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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to have to rush to say 'hello' to DH?

151 replies

SadAboutTheBoy · 07/11/2018 17:53

Context: 3 floor house. I have a study/workroom in the attic where I spend a lot of my time for house admin on computer/ sewing machine/ studying (I am doing some distance learning courses).

When DH comes in from work (as he has just done...) he gets huffy if I don't go downstairs to say 'hello' almost immediately Hmm

I always shout down 'hello' and usually will wander down when I've finished whatever I was busy with - never usually more than about 10-15 mins - and will pour a glass of wine or something.

He says it makes him feel 'unwelcome' and also complains if the lights haven't been put on/ the house is dark downstairs.

?? Surely this is a bit controlling ?? A bit 50s Stepford Wifey ??

OP posts:
teaandtoast · 07/11/2018 19:22

Get him mountaineering lessons for Christmas.

Petitepamplemousse · 07/11/2018 19:23

I think it’s rude not to greet your partner when they come home. I always would, and would be a little sad if mine didn’t come down to greet me.

Pissedoffdotcom · 07/11/2018 19:30

Simple solution for you OP...move to a flat 😂 soon as the door opens you can see pretty much every room, takes 10 steps at most to see a person.

When DP was on lates I would wait up for him & have the kettle on. He used to ring me on his journey home so I knew when he was outside & would be waiting at the door. Not because i'm subservient to him, we are a partnership. I did it because I was genuinely pleased to see him. It works in our relationship. DP didn't expect it however, so on days he walked in & I was engrossed in something else, he would come straight in & say hi. I think the expectation is what would piss me off

YeahCorvid · 07/11/2018 19:31

If you say hi, and if you would look up and smile and look happy if he came to see you, YANBU.

But. My ex used to sit in the sitting room with his feet on the sofa and his back to the door. when I came home and said hi, he wouldn't even look up. It made me feel like shit. He used to just sit there with his feet up like I didn't exist. I hope you don't do this to each other (I am sure you don't)

BlueJava · 07/11/2018 19:33

How could you OP? You should rush down the stairs and fling your arms round him... or even install a fireman's pole through the 3 floors of your house and slide down the very minute you hear his key in the lock. Or he could come up :)

LasMeninas · 07/11/2018 19:39

Yeah that's pretty weird.

With us, the one of us coming home would usually come find the other to say "hi, I'm home", I guess.

BewareOfDragons · 07/11/2018 19:47

FFS. Tell him you're still 'at work' when he gets home, so no, you're not leaving the office early because he can't cope without a welcoming parade.

Just because you're doing your work and things at home doesn't mean you're not working. And you shouldn't have to drop everything because The Man has entered the house.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 07/11/2018 19:50

I don't like coming home to a dark house - if there's no lights on I can't see to put the key in the lock. So I got a light and a timer switch. I do leave the lights on if I think about it and someone is coming home later than me though. The wanting you to rush down is a bit off, if you're in the middle of something I would just shout I'd be down in 10 after finishing reading a chapter or something

AnonyMousee · 07/11/2018 19:54

Jesus, if he is capable of opening the front door he is capable of turning a light switch on. What strange behaviour.

LucieMorningstar · 07/11/2018 19:59

There’s only one solution - big photo of your face opposite the front door with ‘HELLO!’ written big and bright to match. Jobs a gooden 👍🏻

Namelessinseattle · 07/11/2018 19:59

It’s the exact opposite in my house and my parents. Whoever’s coming home seeks out whoever’s in the house to say hello. Which I think makes more sense. Stick your head into the room someone’s in say hi and go about your business. My dh is home late tonight I’m gonna greet him and see what he says. (Just to be clear greet in this context is get up of the couch and meet him in the hall? do I then follow him or go back to the couch?)

Pissedoffdotcom · 07/11/2018 20:01

You have to greet him at the door with a big smile. Offer to take his things. Then follow him around like a lost puppy before making him a brew

MixedMaritalArts · 07/11/2018 20:07

Good golly I’d get some kind of sensor on the door, put an Alexa by the door. Alexa play “ hail to the Chief “

ComeTheFuck0nBridget · 07/11/2018 20:14

I do think you're being a touch mean OP. If you're a SAHM then surely you could do all your bits and pieces before he comes home? I work and it is far lovelier to come home if DH has got back first, lights/heating on, dogs already been out, someone is pleased to see me, etc.

Namelessinseattle · 07/11/2018 20:24

So, I got up and met him in the hall. It did not go well, I said hi, he looked confused and walked passed me, then he came back and we had an awkward moment (with a kiss) then he went into the kitchen and I followed him. So he thinks I’ve lost it. He’s now upstairs getting changed and I’m back on the couch and peace and tranquility havve been restored.

dudsville · 07/11/2018 20:28

I used to greet partner upon arrival home, I think it's a nice way to be. But I learned that he didn't do the same. I figured I could ask him to switch to my way or I could switch to his without a big to do. There's plenty of love between us so I let it go.

StripySocksAndDocs · 07/11/2018 20:33

The lights on thing is odd (mind you i think I'd be the opposite, if I came home to everyone upstairs and all lights on downstairs I'd switch them off!)

As for having to come from another level of the house immediately to greet him. That's not on my radar either. In our house I think (I say think, there's no 'rules') immediate greeting to the arrived one occurs only when they seen immediately. If no one's around I tend to shout hello and I'll get a response. People might come downstairs and say hello. If no one arrives then the arriver generally finds others in the house and say 'whatcha doin'?'. Or something like that. Think if a family member has been away (overnight) the family does come to greet.

I'd say expecting a welcoming reception on your arrival home is odd. But there's a good few on this thread that think it's needed!!!

Original poster
SadAboutTheBoy · 07/11/2018 20:34

OK, I'm not sure quite why it matters exactly what I'm doing, but since folk asked I tend to run my days like this:

Morning: Basic housework/laundry/food shopping and prep for evening meal

Afternoon : all my other stuff, which includes a few hours per week for DH's business, some charity marketing work, any issues regarding a rental property we own (tax returns, repairs etc), managing our finances (banking/investments etc), work for my two uni courses (which yes, are a personal interest, but still have a workload and deadlines associated with them). So, not 'paid employment' in the traditional sense, but stuff that contributes to the family.

I think it's the assumption from DH that whatever I'm busy doing is not as important as him arriving home, y'know, in a "Behold, the hunter-gatherer has returned!" sort of way Grin.

For the record, I'm not always upstairs when he comes home - sometimes I'm already in the kitchen, making dinner.
Oh, and just to confirm - we DO have outside and hall light on a timer, so it's not as if the house is pitch black!

OP posts:
Original poster
SadAboutTheBoy · 07/11/2018 20:37

ComeThe - If you're a SAHM then surely you could do all your bits and pieces before he comes home?

But surely you can see what's wrong with this statement? It's demeaning all the stuff I do as just 'bits and pieces' - yes, I suspect that's what DH thinks too!

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 07/11/2018 20:39

God, am I a Step Ford wife? I tend to get up and greet my dh when he comes in. If he comes in, he'll come and find me, although I'm generally on the ground floor. Generally when I come home, he's making tea!

HurrahMoaningMyrtle · 07/11/2018 20:39

isleepinahedgefund

😂😂😂

Junkmail · 07/11/2018 20:48

Christ. Tell him to fuck off with this. I also have a house over three floors and my office is at the top. I yell down and that’s that. My husband is a grown man capable of climbing stairs to see me. What is your OH expecting? You to rush to his side?? Presumably he’s not been at war and has working arms for turning a light switch on. Honestly how weird that it’s your job to welcome him home??

leccybill · 07/11/2018 20:53

Yep, still looking at your list and thinking 'I do all that and work 50 hours a week' 🤔

Original poster
SadAboutTheBoy · 07/11/2018 21:05

leccybill - Yep, still looking at your list and thinking 'I do all that and work 50 hours a week

Here, have a medal Grin

How do you manage an undergraduate degree and work 50 hours a week? (My coursework is meant to amount to 40 hours a week, but I tend to manage it in 25-50).

OP posts:
Anewchapter · 07/11/2018 21:06

I almost wish I’d had a DH that got the hump when I didn’t herald his arrival. My exH was a master at opening the back door silently so if I was upstairs I had no idea he was even in the house. Controlling and creepy. Still did it even though he knew it freaked me out.