Friendship is now damaged

[Peaceisbliss]

Hi. I'm a first time poster and would really appreciate opinions from others.
Five weeks ago I had a bad fall which resulted in a broken ankle and lower leg.
I was in hospital for 4 days but due to my partner working overseas I was discharged home alone. It was a bit scary but I sucked it up and managed with local friends popping in. My family live 200 miles away and due to issues I simply said I was coping fine but they have rang everyday.
However my oldest friend of 20 years has I feel let me down. They have been too busy to visit and in 5 weeks I've had a couple of texts. I got a bit upset that they couldn't help when I first came home and it did hurt but I've finally accepted it and just concentrated on staying positive. The thing is I've received a text today like nothing is wrong and they have not even asked how I'm doing..just a film recommendation.
I was a bit shocked and so called them out on it. They have form for selfish behaviour which I've always let slide previously due to length of time I've known them.
The excuse was they have been a bit stressed but surely it only takes 5 mins for a quick phone call. For context they work from home and have no kids so not overwhelmed with commitments.
I'm feeling a bit low after confronting them and don't know if it's me over thinking things? But to be blunt I feel I've seen their true colours and I feel the friendship may be over for me. 20years is such a long time but who treats a friend like that. Especially as I've honestly been there for them whenever needed. Feel like a mug.

OP I broke my wrist this year. It was shite. I work from also with no children. Yes after a short period you are 'ok' as such. However I found the phyiscal limitations that I was not used extermely frustrating and it really did take it's toll on me in that way. So I kind of get where you.

But I think your friend is not in the wrong.

*work from home
*where you are

Until it happens to you, people don't realise.

I must have sh it friends which I never knew until this thread.
No one came to help me when I was pregnant with a broken arm, not even family.

I just wore hats (couldn't brush my hair or the It back with one hand), went braless and ate rice cakes for 6 weeks.

I did ask the man in the shop to open a bottle of water for me though

I agree it’s a bit shit, op. She could have at least phoned you a couple of times. At the very least! It might have been difficult for her to visit, but if you were my friend I would have visited if I could have.
I have had the experience of having to use crutches recently though, and like you say, it’s difficult to carry anything. I was using a large backpack to carry stuff around the house. Obviously you can’t do that with drinks though. Do you have a flask or drinks bottle you could put hot and cold drinks in, then carry them in a backpack? It’s shit, annoying and difficult though, I know

Sorry it’s been a tough few weeks for you OP.
Unless your friend has upset you previously, I think you shouldn’t be too quick to write her off in this instance. Does she realise how alone you feel and how much you’d like her help? Maybe you need to spell it out?
I can think of a couple of friends who went though near death experiences who really downplayed their illness at the time. It was only several years later when they felt able to talk about their experiences that I realised I could have done more at the time to help them out.
Your friend may have been thoughtless this time, but equally people are not mind readers. We need to ask for help from our dearest friends when we need it

OP I think you are getting a massively hard time here!!! Yes you probably'should' be able to cope, but surely this is what friends are for? Yes the distance is an issue but it certainly doesn't mean she can't ring you, and at least have visited once. Your update makes her sounds even worse - unfortunately I think you have overestimated her.

I broke my wrist a couple of years ago - nowhere near as bad as yours, and I had dh and two teens at home, but couldn't drive. One local friend took me out for lunch and shopping once a week, another over an hour away came twice and I had lots of invitations for coffee/walks etc and people just checking if I needed anything.

Yes I literally could have coped, but surely being a bit thoughtful and helpful is what being a good friend is a about. Sounds like your friend isn't one.

I am going through a tough long term family health situation and have lots of friends offering moral support and checking on me even though they don't know the people directly involved. I am doing the same with another friend.

I just thought that's what friends did. Having read this thread I'm now pretty sure most of my friends aren't on it because responses would have been very different!! And I am an independent, Low maintenance person, but someone going out of their way to support me means a lot.

OP I think you have learnt a lesson here, hope things look up soon and carry on leaning on those you can, you must be proper fed up.

My close friend who lives about 45min drive away had her tonsils out and I was over popping in with ice cream and to keep her company so personally I don't think you are being unreasonable.

If I had a broken ankle and one of my close friends didn't acknowledge it or even offer to come visit I would be hurt as well.

Gamerchick....my family have not fobbed me off

I never said they did.

When I was on crutches I learnt three valuable lessons.

I learned who was a fair weather friend. Being unable to go out clubbing all night anymore weeded out several long-term friends. Those that helped with transport or checking I got home safety were a Godsend. I stopped putting myself out so much for friends that didn't support me when I needed their help.

I learnt my partner was oblivious to what help I needed. It wasn't that he didn't care - he just didn't recognise my need for help. I needed to spell out clearly what help I needed.

I learned how difficult being on crutches is and how kind strangers could be. I gained an insight into how people with impaired mobility struggle on a day to day basis and why disabled parking and seats for the elderly is needed.

Your not being oversensitive. A GOOD friend would have enquired how you were doing. I only need to look slightly paler than normal or sneeze twice and my friends are ready to call 999 (they're not used to people with autoimmune disorders). I took slightly ill with a chest infection/asthma attack my housemate/friend messaged a guy friend who's working at the opposite end of the country at the moment and he asked her to find out if I wanted him to come back till I was better. For context I've known him and her (and my other friends who were all ready to come to hospital in the ambulance and take turns sitting with me for just over and just under a year) My best friend who lives over six hours away was calling/messaging none stop when I wasn't on the phone to my mother.

OP, I can resonate with feeling low after surgery and then being stuck at home and being limited in how much you can do - and yes - even though it's possible to adapt, everything takes much longer and it's frustrating to not be able to do everything as ably.

In contrast to your friend, mine, who lives 40 mins away was over, making me lunch, offering to take the children and checking up on me. On the other hand, some good mum friends, who I've invested considerable emotional support and energy in, who knew when my op was, didn't ask after me once. I've just realised that while they're still friends, I'll not be putting so much effort in anymore and prioritising those friends who look out for each other.

I hope you're on the mend soon.

Only on mn would people say they wouldn’t be upset if a friend of over 20 years didn’t contact them to check in after a broken leg. I mean what the hell are friends for? I know if my best friend was in this situation, I would be round here so see if she was ok. If I couldn’t physically go, I’d be ringing at least every couple of days so see how they were. I can’t believe a close friend wouldn’t call even once to check you’re ok.

I think those who say they wouldn't be upset in the circumstances described are not really being honest. There's this pressure on MN to sound cool, as if nothing could possibly upset us, and we really don't need the support of our friends and family. In reality, we all need support sometimes and in true friendships there's give and take on both sides.

Your friend's response re the Christmas market is very telling and very disappointing. There's no way you should be walking round crowds.

When I had my accident-serious, half my calf was traumatically removed-I was screaming for the nurse to bring the bed pan, I mean, properly screaming on the first night. Being suddenly unable to walk is devastating. I remember my dh walking in front of me to protect me every time we went out for months.

You do have to get inventive on how to transport stuff. One of those little shopping trolleys like my gran used to have is extremely useful.

Ah, you've been mobbed by the miserable 'just get on with it!' fuckers. Probably the same ones who insist noadult should expect any acknowledgement of their birthday ever, not even 'happy birthday' or you're being 'entitled'. Your friend was a bit shit over this and it's reasonable to feel disappointed.

Sorry you're having a bad time op and some people are so unsympathetic - ankle/tib/fib is very nasty. When I had a related injury I was lent a two tier trolley on wheels like those for older people to walk and push. That made a real difference. Maybe try and get one? Phone occupational therapy at hospital?

It is very true that if you haven't experienced this kind of thing, you can never imagine it. I broke my foot a few winters ago. And not as bad as the OP either. I always thought if I ever broke a leg or something, I'd quite like the opportunity for an excuse to sit on my arse for a bit.

Well, I found it horrendous. Using crutches is bloody difficult. I about got used to them. Eventually. I live on my own and things like trying to have a wash was extremely hard. Trying to negotiate stepping in the shower or sitting on a chair by the side of the bath to lower yourself in (after dragging said chair in from dining room-luckily, I'm in a flat!) using crutches?! Yes, it's not the end of the world and not permanent, but took friggin ages. Anyway, bloody difficult and it wears you out. But the emotional impact too is immense. It's weird. Can't even explain it. But I felt very low, and yes, you learn who your friends are. I had family members not even checking how I was, which I'll never forget. I don't think people realise.
So, no, OP, you are not wrong to feel hurt.

I can't imagine not offering to help a friend out who had a broken ankle. Might not be life threatening, but still not easy to deal with. Not a real friend I'd say

I'd imagine your friend rightly presumes that, as an adult, you are capable of looking after yourself

Would you seriously make that assumption without at least picking up the phone to talk to your friend, @Rhiannon13? After all, anyone with half a brain realises that there's a difference between, say, a straightforward fracture where the patient is able to weight-bear, and a complex fracture where the patient has to be on crutches, has the bones pinned, has been in hospital for some time and may be in serious pain.

Plus, as a friend, it's not just a matter of whether OP can look after herself, is it? It's a matter of offering a bit of sympathy and moral support to a friend whose partner isn't around to support her after going through a pretty horrible experience. It's a pretty poor friend who won't make a bit of time for that much at least.

If she's known someone before with a broken ankle who was fine then she wouldn't stop and think that your injury might be different

Wouldn't she? You'd surely have to be spectacularly dim to assume that every broken ankle is identical.

I'd imagine your friend rightly presumes that, as an adult, you are capable of looking after yourself

I'm sure people just come out with this shit to try and prove how 'hard' they are.

In the real world, people care about their friends. They offer help if someone is struggling without thinking 'well they can just look after themselves' and if they can't physically help out they at least want to call and ask after their friend who has had an accident.

I am more than capable of looking after myself when my anxiety isn't great, yet my closet friends still check in with me now and then to let me know they care. It costs nothing to let a friend know you are thinking about them when things aren't great for them.

Life is far too short for crap friends. Remember this is MN though, where many posters act as hard as nails and believe that no one should ever help anyone out ever.

But surely you could still be a good friend if you showed concern at the time of the injury but were too busy to physically go and help out.
I consider myself a good friend and after 5 weeks I wouldn’t think that every message I sent would need to reference their injury!

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable op. Can see how you maybe feeling a bit hurt especially as a broken ankle and leg is not that small an injury. Maybe your friend just isn’t aware how low you’re feeling.. some people are less fussed about illness/injury or maybe she’s never broken anything before and therefore can’t empathise..
ring her up and have a (nice) chat. This isn’t worth losing a friendship over!

Wow only read the first page. What nasty replies. Yanbu op. If I had a friend in your situation I would certainly make an effort to pop round and help out. That's what good friends are all about surely?

I don't think yabu at all!! When my Best Friends wife was taken critically ill a couple of years ago. The first thing I did once he'd got back from the hospital that night was phone him to see how he was and to see how his wife was doing. Told him that if at any time he needed me during the night then to phone me. Even if it was just to cry down the phone to me!! The second thing i did on the following day was get in the car and drive the 98 miles over to where he lives, booked a hotel. Sat with him, went out and got stuff from the supermarket, offered to collect him from the Hospital because he hadn't taken his car, let him talk, let him use my shoulder to cry on, cuddled him. I was even going to go back up a week later and batch cook him some meals because I knew he was barely eating anything from worrying so much. Unfortunately though I too ended up very poorly in hospital for 7 days and had a TIA not long after I was discharged but even though his wife was still in hospital he still found time to see how I was doing and vice versa!! Sometimes it's times like these you find out who your true friends are!!

I'm sorry you're having a hard time, a few years ago I ripped my tendon and had an air boot on. It was much harder than I thought so can sympathise with you. Your friend probably doesn't realise the impact it's having on you unless you tell her. My lifesaver was hiring a knee scooter www.wheelfreedom.com/products/knee-scooter/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI8t7P76bE3gIVG0sNCh0cKwogEAAYASAAEgL9JfD_BwE . It was a godsend, my daughter was starting school 2 days after I injured myself and the school is closeby, I was able to scoot down to school (ok, a few people took the micky, but who cares - injured footballers use them!) It was great in the kitchen so you could carry some small items. Good luck x