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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friendship is now damaged

164 replies

Peaceisbliss · 07/11/2018 14:39

Hi. I'm a first time poster and would really appreciate opinions from others.
Five weeks ago I had a bad fall which resulted in a broken ankle and lower leg.
I was in hospital for 4 days but due to my partner working overseas I was discharged home alone. It was a bit scary but I sucked it up and managed with local friends popping in. My family live 200 miles away and due to issues I simply said I was coping fine but they have rang everyday.
However my oldest friend of 20 years has I feel let me down. They have been too busy to visit and in 5 weeks I've had a couple of texts. I got a bit upset that they couldn't help when I first came home and it did hurt but I've finally accepted it and just concentrated on staying positive. The thing is I've received a text today like nothing is wrong and they have not even asked how I'm doing..just a film recommendation.
I was a bit shocked and so called them out on it. They have form for selfish behaviour which I've always let slide previously due to length of time I've known them.
The excuse was they have been a bit stressed but surely it only takes 5 mins for a quick phone call. For context they work from home and have no kids so not overwhelmed with commitments.
I'm feeling a bit low after confronting them and don't know if it's me over thinking things? But to be blunt I feel I've seen their true colours and I feel the friendship may be over for me. 20years is such a long time but who treats a friend like that. Especially as I've honestly been there for them whenever needed. Feel like a mug.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peaceisbliss · 07/11/2018 15:35

Thanks for all of your replies. I have taken it all onboard. But believe me I'm by no means feeling sorry for myself. I'm still getting a shower and putting on my make up.
It is what it is and I will never take my legs for granted again. Mine will heal many are not so fortunate. It has certainly taught me to be far more empathetic to those with life changing disability.
Not sure how il deal with my friend but I'm not going to dwell.

OP posts:
RangeRider · 07/11/2018 15:37

You can't even carry a cup of tea to a comfortable chair!
You make a flask of tea (you can order a flask online if you don't have one), put it and your mug in a bag hung round your neck / shoulder, and make your way to your chair. Most things are possible if you really think about it.

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 07/11/2018 15:42

OMG you are not needy. Ff! Being on crutches when you haven't been before is hard work.

And it's not '5 weeks in, so you should be fine'. You are fine. You coped. But your feelings are hurt that your friend showed so little concern during the 5 weeks leading up to this text. I get it. And you're allowed to feel hurt.

If I'm being kind, maybe something happened in her life that is bad and she can't tell you yet. I spent 6 months in hospital and one of my closest friends didn't visit for the first 4. But then she told me that during that time she had found out her son was being molested and it put it into perspective.
But, you are not wrong for how you feel and it is pretty debilitating when you've broken bones.
PS: for some reason I fall over all the time with my crutches but am surprisingly good when I've had a few glasses of wine Blush Grin

Lulu1919 · 07/11/2018 15:42

If my friend had a broken ankle and leg I would visit ....at least once to take a card or some small gift or offer help ....it’s what friends do ... the op didn’t say she expected them to drop everything and look after her...24/7
sorry I think it’s unkind not to pop in or offer to

KurriKurri · 07/11/2018 15:45

Hi OP - I currently dealing with an injury that is taking for ever to heal - I can manage fine (it is on my abdomen, so mobility fine etc) but I do get very frustrated and down about it sometimes - I feel fed up and wish it would hurry up and heal so I could get back to normal. I'm sure you feel the same way. It's not just practical support you need, it's a bit of a listening ear when you are fed up.

I've had lots of friends phone me (as I would them if situation reviersed) just for a chat and to ask how I am. It's not a question of people running round you, but if you can't go out and do as much as you could, it's nice for people jst to ring and chat, ask if there's anything they can do - even if the answer is 'no I'm fine'.
That's how I treat my friends and that's how they treat me - it's just a bit of kindness and concern, and if someone doesn't have that when you are unwell, then they aren't much of a friend. (I would also have offered to do your shopping, drive you wherever, etc etc.)

No one is so busy they can't ring/text or message.
Hope you are feeling better soon. Smile

WheredidtheMortificadosGo · 07/11/2018 15:46

You make a flask of tea (you can order a flask online if you don't have one), put it and your mug in a bag hung round your neck / shoulder, and make your way to your chair. Most things are possible if you really think about it.

Nice idea but I'm sorry but this doesn't work for everyone. It may do if you are young and your only injury is a minor break.

Depending on the nature of your injury and how stable you are carrying a flask of tea round your neck or shoulder in a bag may be very inadvisable.

For some people, risking any kind of instability and another fall alone is too high risk. Flasks can be fairly heavy and bash against you as you move.

thereallochnessmonster · 07/11/2018 15:48

God, there are some heartless people on this thread! Let's see how you'd all cope with a complex leg fracture! No, you'd all be fine, making tea in flasks, carrying it round your neck, etc, etc.

OP, YANBU at all. Sounds like your friend has been selfish and lazy. Not what you expect from a good friend of such long standing. I'd be hurt too.

Best wishes for a speedy recovery.

roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 07/11/2018 15:49

There are 2 sorts of friends. Friends that would help you out whatever and try and make life easier especially if you're having a bad time of it. Breaking an ankle is shit- it's happened to me. And then there are friends who disappear whenever there are things to be done. Interestingly the latter are usually the ones who become more visible if they need help. How long you've known them for or how good a friend they are tend to be irrelevant IME.

mcmooberry · 07/11/2018 15:51

Well I don't think you are being unreasonable to expect such a longstanding friend to do a bit more in this situation, ok if she is an hour away maybe not a daily visit but I am sure she could have come over after work one day or at the weekend to make some food for you or whatever. Very poor behaviour and no excuse for it am not surprised you are put out and don't feel bad about pointing it out to her.

jarhead123 · 07/11/2018 15:52

I was disappointed with my friend when similar happened to me.

I broke my foot and she never visited, asked how I was etc. She didn't seem to realise how hard life was for me for a bit. She'd always been selfish and this was the final nail in the coffin.

We don't really speak now.

NamelessEnsign · 07/11/2018 15:53

I’m sorry to hear you’ve been injured, OP, and that you felt let down by your friend.

My partner is also military. He was away when I was on crutches, and we had an 18 month old. It wasn’t fun, but I didn’t get any help from friends or family - you just have to muddle through.

If you were in hospital for four days, I assume you had surgery - I felt really low after having a GA (not for the ankle - for something else), and fragile for a long time. So it’s not just as simple as being on crutches, and I can see why you felt a little abandoned.

Rabbitjam · 07/11/2018 15:58

I don't think you're being unreasonable. That's quite a big thing to go through.

As for pp being bothered about op use of "they", what on earth has gender got to do with the behaviour of her friend?

KurriKurri · 07/11/2018 15:59

As far as I can tell from the OP - her family live a long way away, her DH is in the military - she HAS been muddling through and managing herself (not sure if she has been hanging duffle bags with coffee flasks round her neck, balancing plates of steak and kidney pie on her head, and juggling a bowl of rice pudding along on her plastered foot - but I'm sure she'll take all the helpful suggestions on board).

She just wanted her friend to ring her a few times and offer a bit of sympathy - not a huge ask surely froma friend fo 20yrs.

dorisdog · 07/11/2018 15:59

Off point, but to those moaning about the poster using 'they' - why on earth are you so bothered? Maybe the friend is non binary!

OP - echo a bit what others have said. I might not think a broken ankle is a huge deal, but maybe just talk to them about it, f it bothered you? A good friend should be able to take an honest conversation. x

Grace212 · 07/11/2018 16:03

I think yanbu at all

My own experience is that some people just don't think how it can be with an injury, they're often not worth holding on to, in my experience.

JellieEllie · 07/11/2018 16:03

Oh OP I think you have had a lot of mean comments.
I personally don't think YABU because what person who claimed to be a best friend wouldn't come and visit/call when they find out you had a fall or got ill. Especially with you being alone as well.
It may only be a broken ankle but still, she's meant to be your best friend. Wouldn't have hurt her to just make an effort. I think she's selfish.

bubbles108 · 07/11/2018 16:03

Your oldest friend could have done more to help and certainly could have shown more interest in you post hospital and cared more.

But you say your oldest friend has form and has been selfish before

I never understand why people expect other people to change.

PEOPLE RARELY CHANGE ... and they never change unless they want to

agedknees · 07/11/2018 16:06

Fractured ankle plus fractured tib and fib? That’s one hell of an accident, you poor thing.

I think yanbu. Bone pain is nasty. I think your friend could have at least visited once.

LaDilettante · 07/11/2018 16:08

YANBU. Your friend could have at least offered to drop by and see if you needed anything. Sure, you’re managing one way or another but bing on crutches is hard and you feel pretty shitty th next few days after an accident. My best friend has a chronic illness and I still ask her if she wants me to drop by, do her shopping etc when she gets ill. I live an hour away from her, have work and a child but I still offer.

All the best with your recovery...

SassitudeandSparkle · 07/11/2018 16:12

OP, I'm getting the feeling that you'd like to see her more often than once a month really and you were hoping this would be a reason for her to come over.

I think she could have texted more yes, but living an hour away means that she's not really able to pop in like your more local friends.

I hope your recovery continues well (because it sounds painful, even without the added hindrence of the crutches to deal with!) and that your other friends continue to support you through this.

explodingkitten · 07/11/2018 16:12

I wouldn't think a broken ankle would make someone need help, sorry.

Original poster
Peaceisbliss · 07/11/2018 16:14

Thanks for your support. Yes it's my ankle and tibia and fib. A word of warning to you all..dont forget you have mopped the floor when you dash to the fridge..and then trip over your Henry Hoover. IT DOES NOT end well. Feel better I've got it out of my system by coming on here. Mixed responses are fine...Smile

OP posts:
LoisEinhorn · 07/11/2018 16:15

Blimey there are some hard people on here.
I would definitely be round a friends house to help out and cheer them up.
I bet it's painful to get around without having to try and get washing sorted etc.
OP I can understand why you are feeling let down. Even if they are busy, taking some time out to phone and check in on you isnt hard.
Hope you heal quickly x

AnastasiaaBeaverhousen · 07/11/2018 16:16

For context they work from home and have no kids so not overwhelmed with commitments.

Oh, do bore off. I wouldn't go rushing round to help you either if this is your attitude toward her life.

NotAnotherParkingFine · 07/11/2018 16:19

YANBU at all. It's just normal behaviour to ask after a friend when they have an accident or injury isn't it? Some posters on here seem to delight in character assassination and deliberately mis-reading the original post. The poster hasn't said she wants or needs help, but is simply sad that a close friend of 20 years standing has shown little or no interest in how she is doing.

I'm hobbling around on a badly sprained ankle at the moment and I'm having to fend off various friends who seem determined to come round to help me. I don't need help, but it's so lovely to know that they care about me, and I've only got a sprain!!

Hope you recover soon OP.

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