Friendship is now damaged

[Peaceisbliss]

Hi. I'm a first time poster and would really appreciate opinions from others.
Five weeks ago I had a bad fall which resulted in a broken ankle and lower leg.
I was in hospital for 4 days but due to my partner working overseas I was discharged home alone. It was a bit scary but I sucked it up and managed with local friends popping in. My family live 200 miles away and due to issues I simply said I was coping fine but they have rang everyday.
However my oldest friend of 20 years has I feel let me down. They have been too busy to visit and in 5 weeks I've had a couple of texts. I got a bit upset that they couldn't help when I first came home and it did hurt but I've finally accepted it and just concentrated on staying positive. The thing is I've received a text today like nothing is wrong and they have not even asked how I'm doing..just a film recommendation.
I was a bit shocked and so called them out on it. They have form for selfish behaviour which I've always let slide previously due to length of time I've known them.
The excuse was they have been a bit stressed but surely it only takes 5 mins for a quick phone call. For context they work from home and have no kids so not overwhelmed with commitments.
I'm feeling a bit low after confronting them and don't know if it's me over thinking things? But to be blunt I feel I've seen their true colours and I feel the friendship may be over for me. 20years is such a long time but who treats a friend like that. Especially as I've honestly been there for them whenever needed. Feel like a mug.

Did you actually ask for help, it's sounding like you're the kind of person who says I'm fine, when actually they'd like some help.
But yes I'd expect a bit of tlc from a friend.

That is a nasty accident and very bad injury, no wonder you feel low. You are taking these responses better than I would!

All the people here saying to the OP she is being needy and a victim and selfish and needs to get over herself are showing what poor friends they clearly are themselves.

If this was my friend alone with such a bad injury, I would be offering support, via telephone if I couldn't manage practical support. I would like to think I would realise someone recovering from a serious injury and operation would feel down and fed up and may be struggling, not just physically. I would certainly be sending chocolate or flowers, as would my friends for me. We are kind to each other and support each other in everyday life, let alone when things like this happen. Isn't that what friendship is about? Would people really tell their friends to stop being such a needy victim?!

I'm actually disabled and use crutches all the time, it's really tiring and everything takes so much effort and is so awkward. I actually think in some ways though it's harder for people who end up on them suddenly and post operatively. Of course it's hard and of course you can moan! Please don't carry flasks of tea around your neck though. I find an apron with pockets tied around your waist is a godsend for carrying stuff. Contigo travel mugs are very leakproof, IME.

There was a good thread a while back from someone wanting advice on how to manage solo and none weight bearing. I'm on the app atm but I'll see if I can find it and link it later.

Other things I find useful are Netflix, Prime Now (if you have it for quick deliveries of stuff mainly ice cream and chocolate, a kindle if you can and like reading - you get free magazines with AmazonPrime which is useful if it's hard to concentrate for too long. A travel kettle near your sofa/bed - which you can fill from bottles of water you carry in your apron It could be time to take up a new sedentary hobby - sewing decorations for Christmas, or something like that, it would also give you a nice sense of achievement. A total luxury is a Tassimo or coffee machine near your nest! I sincerely hope you feel better soon and can disregard the wanky responses here.

Actually, sewing decorations for Christmas sounds a touch wanky too I better start an AIBU thread so people can stick the boot in to me for being such a dick

As usual, there are some utterly ridiculous comments on here. Just because you know someone who broke their ankle and was skipping around within a month, it does not make you an instant expert on every type of ankle injury. A straightforward fracture of the fibula is massively different from a spiral fracture of the ankle, tibia and fibula - and does it occur to any of you that, just possibly, OP's doctors who have told her she can't weight-bear for twelve weeks know a bit more about it than you?

Equally, until you have had to spend a long time on crutches without being able to weight-bear, you have no idea how restrictive and debilitating it is.

As for everyone getting so worked up about the horror of expecting a person who works from home to take some time out to show concern for a friend: really, how difficult would it be at some point over five weeks to pick up the phone for a chat? If friend's work is such that she is literally working 18 hour days 7 days a week, it's reasonable to expect that OP would know about it.

Oh dear. Your friend couldn't have known how much you wanted het support. Send her a message. Apologise and say you were in pain and a bit short.
If you do want support from your friends its much easier to ask for it than suffer in silence like a martyr until you explode at them. She is not a mind reader.

If friend's work is such that she is literally working 18 hour days 7 days a week, it's reasonable to expect that OP would know about it.

How? they meet up monthly and are an hour away. Maybe shit is happening in her friends life as well.

Sounds to me like the friendship is probably over anyway on both sides.

Thank you so much Fortnitels...ive got a little rucksack that I'm using a thermos cup in and put my food in a Tupperware box. Any suggestions would be great though.
I can't let daft responses get to me as I've remained positive up to now. I'm also a big believer in don't judge til you've walked my path.
Like I said earlier it's definitely made me realise how much we take being able bodied for granted. If this injury makes me a more empathetic person then I'd rather focus on positives like that.

When it comes to people quibbling about the remote possibility that friend was working unbelievably long hours without bothering to mention it at any point (maybe to explain to OP why she hadn't been in touch?), this thread is coming close to jumping the shark.

For context they work from home

Selfish sods, sitting around drinking coffee all day . OP, I wouldn't go out of my way to help you either with that attitude. I'd imagine your friend rightly presumes that, as an adult, you are capable of looking after yourself.

I’m sorry but I don’t agree with pp’s saying you shouldn’t expect her to help or show concern.

I know everyone is different but I can’t think of any of my friends who wouldn’t be offering to help out or any of my friends I wouldn’t do the same for.

A broken ankle isn’t the end of the world but it’s bloody painful and makes getting around s very hard. I’d have brought food, asked what you needed from the shops etc if I lived near enough and if not I’d be in touch to see how you were and arrange to visit if at all possible. And that’s any friend not just a close one who was like family.

Peaceisbliss I know how you feel. I broke my leg badly a few years ago, several screws and plates later and I was discharged...except I was non-weight bearing so could literally only do limited things for myself that didn't require me to carry anything or rely on me placing weight on my completely fucked up leg.

I lived alone at the time and a couple of friends really rallied around me to make sure I was getting at least one decent meal a day and do silly things like collecting some shopping (pre-internet shopping days) or for one incredibly close friend helping me in and out of the shower once a week so I could try and improve on the top and tail method that was barely keeping me in a civil appearance smell.

It was only a broken leg but I'd had 4 surgeries and almost died in 2 of them. Emotionally/mentally it knocked me down really hard, yet my oldest and I thought most reliable friend didn't make the slightest effort to check on me. Even their parents came to see me in hospital because we'd been friends for that long but there was no sniff of her.

It became a thorn in the side of our friendship. I felt badly let down and they just couldn't see what the fuss was all about. Sadly it signalled an end to the friendship we once had and now we're just passing acquaintances.

Hope your leg heals well and just go with your instinct on how to handle your friend.

I see the 'I broke both my legs and still climbed a mountain carrying my 5 kids so quit moaning' brigade are out! Different people cope with things in different ways.

I think it depends OP.

If the roles had been reversed, do you think she would have expected you to help or is she more private?

Does she live near? And for me crucially did you tell her you were struggling? Some people break bones and aren't in much pain or its mangeable and they have a cast that they can bear weight on. Other people will struggle on crutches depending on where they live and how much pain they're in etc. If she knew you were struggling and lives nearby and didn't offer to help then I'd say YANBU to be upset with her.

However I don't think this warrants ending the friendship. You say she is selfish but if you accept that and act the same way back (don't put yourself out for her) you might not be as close as you were but it's still possible to enjoy her company

I understand that life gets busy but I would be disappointed if my close friend didn't come and see me at any point in this situation. I would do it for a friend and have no time for friends who wouldn't do the same for me. I would not expect a lot of help or anything but I rate kindness in friendships and OP your friend hasn't show any. Even a bloody phone call would be something.

For context they work from home and have no kids so not overwhelmed with commitments

I WFH and have no kids and have an absolute fuckload of commitments and am often very stressed.

Not saying that this doesn't mean she shouldn't have called etc. But I would just ask yourself if you have different expectations because of her set up and be aware of this when you communicate with her!

I had a very bad ankle injury 11 years ago; I was on crutches for 3 months after tearing ligaments and aggravating an old fracture which led to bruising to the bone. For the first couple of weeks I couldn't do anything for myself and I was grateful to have my DH, it would have been very hard if I'd been on my own like the OP is. (Actually he didn't really help in the way I would have liked, by at least doing a little of the cleaning that I couldn't do!)

I can understand the disappointment in her friend, especially as when she did text it was only to ask for a film recommendation. Although I personally can't imagine actually letting her know how I felt, it would have rankled.

Jesus Christ, the OP just wants her 'friend' to show a bit of concern which doesn't sound unreasonable....

And as for the PP who suggested she try and manage without her crutches a bit here and there, words fail me! @Bettyswollocks would you like to tell us where you got your medical degree from and when you managed to visit the OP to make your diagnosis??

I actually can see the bigger picture here. It’s not just about your ankle but their selfishness over the years; the injury has just highlighted it more than usual. I can understand why you are disgruntled with them xx

I broke me ankle last year and my friends rallied round. It was surprisingly hard to get around and uncomfortable. I was surprised how many people cared, TBH. Had lots of offers of visitors. But then I have 3 childten and am really plugged in to the community through them.

If my DH had been away I know people would have been even more supportive. Your friend has let you down. I am sorry. It is fucking miserable.

OP, you're not wrong to want more support but neither is your friend wrong in thinking it isn't a big deal. If she's known someone before with a broken ankle who was fine then she wouldn't stop and think that your injury might be different. It's just that you both have different expectations and experiences.

Read the first few messages and can’t believe what people are saying, I have broken my ankle and it’s quite tough to do stuff for yourself, impossible to drive, even simple things like getting dressed is a pain. Yes, you know you will get better, but for quite a while it seems hard going. For a start you can’t drive!
I would really feel let down if my friend hadn’t offered to help. Poor you, she wasn’t worth having as a friend!

YANBU OP. For a friend going back that far I don't think it's unreasonable to think they might care enough about you to see how you're doing. And if massively stressed out / busy it wouldn't have hurt to say "I'd love to pop over but really I have to explain why I can't, but I hope you're ok and I'm thinking of you"

Hope you're on the mend soon. Tupperware box - great idea!

It sounds to me as if you don't get anything from the friendship and your low point has simply highlighted that for you. People change and grow, and sometimes their past friendships fall to the wayside. Maybe you were overdue a 'life laundry'

I can understand you are feeling low, but remember that sometimes people who 'manage' get left to do exactly that because they never ask for help and others don't realise that they're struggling.

I hope you and your leg feel better soon.

Completely detailing but the original post was strange to read...why do you refer to your friend as 'they/them' instead of 'him/her'? Bizarre question I know but it struck me...

You’re bound to feel low after such a horrible experience, and then coming home to cope alone. You may be being a touch over-sensitive but who wouldn’t in your situation?

The friendship may not be irretrievable, it depends how your friend reacts now you have called her out on it.

As she lives an hour away I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect a lot of physical support, and she probably assumes you have people closer who could help you out. If your usual pattern is not to have much contact between meet ups it may just be a case of out of sight, out of mind.

However, if she’s a good friend she will feel sorry for letting you down and make a bit more effort to keep in touch. If she doesn’t, well there’s your answer.