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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friendship is now damaged

164 replies

Peaceisbliss · 07/11/2018 14:39

Hi. I'm a first time poster and would really appreciate opinions from others.
Five weeks ago I had a bad fall which resulted in a broken ankle and lower leg.
I was in hospital for 4 days but due to my partner working overseas I was discharged home alone. It was a bit scary but I sucked it up and managed with local friends popping in. My family live 200 miles away and due to issues I simply said I was coping fine but they have rang everyday.
However my oldest friend of 20 years has I feel let me down. They have been too busy to visit and in 5 weeks I've had a couple of texts. I got a bit upset that they couldn't help when I first came home and it did hurt but I've finally accepted it and just concentrated on staying positive. The thing is I've received a text today like nothing is wrong and they have not even asked how I'm doing..just a film recommendation.
I was a bit shocked and so called them out on it. They have form for selfish behaviour which I've always let slide previously due to length of time I've known them.
The excuse was they have been a bit stressed but surely it only takes 5 mins for a quick phone call. For context they work from home and have no kids so not overwhelmed with commitments.
I'm feeling a bit low after confronting them and don't know if it's me over thinking things? But to be blunt I feel I've seen their true colours and I feel the friendship may be over for me. 20years is such a long time but who treats a friend like that. Especially as I've honestly been there for them whenever needed. Feel like a mug.

OP posts:
nokidshere · 07/11/2018 17:49

Oh come on, everyone! If a close friend had broken her ankle and lower leg I would definitely try to help her! She's not being unreasonable expecting that she would be treated as she'd treat others. It's obvious that it's hard to get about, to buy shopping, to wash, etc. What is a friend, if it's not someone who's there when times are tough?

Absolutely this. A friend of 20 yrs not even asking how you are and did you need anything stinks. Bloodyhell, I'd ask an acquaintance with a broken leg if they were ok and was there anything I could do.

And even if they couldn't or didn't want to come over I sure as hell would expect a phone call from them.

Some of you have very strange views of what a friend is. My friends would be at my side or on the phone in a minute if I needed them as I would for them.

Deleriumdreamer · 07/11/2018 17:57

My god, you lot can be really horrible. If my close friend or best friend broke their ankle I’d be texting/Facebook messaging/phoning if I couldn’t get up to see them regularly. Maybe I have a lot of good friendships but we check in with each other even if it’s a text or a Facebook message like “hey, how’s things” it doesn’t take a life time to type out “hey how are you doing today/this week” - is once a week too much for people to take out of their lives for someone’s they’ve known for such a long time. Sure, OP has admitted to being a little sensitive but as she says she’s managing. So no, OP YANBU to expect a little more thought from a 20 year friendship. I would however, not let it ruin it. I would simply explain to them that you felt overwhelmed, a little sensitive and alone and would have heard from them a little more.

TurkeyBear · 07/11/2018 17:58

"She lives and hour away" "We meet once a month"

I think you've confused this friendship for more than what it is OP. She's an old friend not a close or best friend.

gamerchick · 07/11/2018 18:00

My friends would be at my side or on the phone in a minute if I needed them as I would for them

Would you also have a tick box to check everyone did their bit?

Peaceisbliss · 07/11/2018 18:05

Hi. So I have an update.
Just called friend and apologised if I was a bit harsh and I've just been feeling a bit low. Her response was how about I come up for your birthday in 2 weeks for the start of the Christmas markets. I explained I'm on crutches and going out is hard but crowds are not possible and I'd be too nervous I may fall. She said that's a shame as we always go. I bit my tongue and suggested we just have a nice dinner here. She didn't commit so I left it there.
Now I am v pissed off....is it me? That is selfish and I wish I hadn't bothered.

OP posts:
nzeire · 07/11/2018 18:05

It’s certainly what my friend circle does.
I’d feel hurt too, but wouldn’t have said anything, can’t deal with drama

whatsthestory123 · 07/11/2018 18:06

op your friend is crap and she should of been more supportive

Dump her

LostInShoebiz · 07/11/2018 18:07

Please ignore Dr Bullshit further up the thread. Just because her sister was fantastic at five weeks does not mean you ought to be weight bearing unless your real doctor says so.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 07/11/2018 18:08

Sorry you got that response, OP. She’s not a good friend, but at least now you know.

Jlynhope · 07/11/2018 18:08

Ok reading your update your friend sucks.

nokidshere · 07/11/2018 18:13

@gamerchick I don't recall the op saying that she was monitoring who did what? Confused

This is a friend of 20yrs not someone she met yesterday.

Graphista · 07/11/2018 18:16

A crisis is when you find out eh your TRUE friends are.

Those of us long in the tooth have learned this the hard way usually.

On the plus side you also find that people you previously thought of as "not as close" or even "acquaintances" often step up and are brilliant.

"They have form for selfish behaviour which I've always let slide previously due to length of time I've known them." So you knew what they were like really. Being a friend for a long time doesn't necessarily equate to being good friends.

There's also a quote that stuck in my mind from an old sitcom as it's very true. The storyline was the dad catching up with I think an old college friend and the guy was a bit of a douche and did something out of line and the dad was trying to justify staying friends/letting it slide by saying

'but we've been friends 20 years'

and the wife responds 'no you were friends 20 years ago there's a difference' (not exact quotes can't find the scene).

As you get older you need to learn the difference between good friends, old friends and not really friends.

"Tbf I wouldn’t really think that a broken ankle in an otherwise healthy adult would mean they’d need people round to look after them?" You ever had one? Severely restricts mobility which makes everyday tasks difficult PLUS the body is using more energy than usual to repair the damaged parts. Broken bones can make otherwise healthy people run down and more vulnerable to infection, plus it's just more tiring farting around on crutches! A limb being out of action puts a lot more strain on the rest of the body. That is a NASTY injury and will have taken a lot out of op, she's likely still in quite some pain too.

"If you were seriously ill that would be different obviously" this is a serious injury - impacts a great deal on the patient.

Op as your partner is in the forces are you near to their base? Generally welfare services are only offered to spouses but sometimes they are willing to help if you're not married. It's quite a close knit community, if any of his friends/colleagues are about they might be able to help with eg fetching shopping or meds, putting items in easy to reach places for you.

The sheer lack of understanding/empathy from so many posters on this thread is shocking!

I don't think op is at all unreasonable in expecting who she thought was a good friend who SHE has been there for in tough times to AT LEAST take a genuine interest in how she's doing. A phone call only takes 5/10 mins that is not a big ask.

Yanbu to say to her you're hurt at the lack of compassion at a difficult time, but then I'd take it as "now I know what she's really like" and distance myself massively and not do her any more favours. That's the natural consequence of being a shit friend.

"It’s unfortunately not an uncommon reaction to illness. It does kind of separate the wheat from the chaff friend-wise" absolutely!

"All the people here saying to the OP she is being needy and a victim and selfish and needs to get over herself

are showing what poor friends they clearly are themselves." Totally agree! Glad they're not my friends!

Your update re Xmas market - your "friendship" is sadly all about what SHE gets out of the relationship! YOUR birthday YOU'RE injured and she won't even consider a compromise?! I'd fuck her off at this point! She's not a friend

woollyheart · 07/11/2018 18:22

Some friends are more 'fair weather' friends and better just for times you have fun together.

Others turn up when you aren't much fun and need someone to help. I always think that they are the best ones to have.

But you can still have fun with the others - just don't expect to rely on them.

eightoclock · 07/11/2018 18:24

She sounds a bit thoughtless and a call would have been nice, but if you are only in contact once a month and she is an hour away, I would not expect her to drop everything. She probably doesn't realise how debilitating it is.

SpikyHair · 07/11/2018 18:26

Some people just don't like other people needing them

RayRayBidet · 07/11/2018 18:30

A few phone calls would not have been beyond her, no matter how busy she is surely?
OP YADNBU
I think in your shoes (cast) I would feel the same.
Even if she didn't have chance to come over she could have called to cheer you up.

gamerchick · 07/11/2018 18:32

@gamerchick I don't recall the op saying that she was monitoring who did what? confused

This is a friend of 20yrs not someone she met yesterday

Local friends popping in to do what they can, family ringing every day but being fobbed off because 'issues'. But the distant friend who lives an hour a way and only hook up with once a month gets strip's torn off her for not helping?

Yes a phone call would have been nice but not worth getting your arse handed to you.

Peaceisbliss · 07/11/2018 18:37

Gamerchick....my family have not fobbed me off. There are serious reasons they cannot visit at the moment and I do not need to explain them to you.
Please do not pass judgement on something you have no understanding of.
I'm having a tough time and do not need my family being made fun of as well.

OP posts:
Peaceisbliss · 07/11/2018 18:40

This was my first ever post and now I am getting a bit hurt by all the negativity. Nothing like kicking someone when they are down.

OP posts:
missF3dup · 07/11/2018 18:42

I don't think you're been selfish either.
Yeah you'd expect a good friend would text more often and ask how you were. And when they text today you'd of expected how are you etc etc then ask about the film. I think you're right she is a bit selfish.
Hope you feel better soon x

hellraising · 07/11/2018 18:46

I thought you were being unreasonable with your first post, but not the second. I would be hurt at that too! Why can't she come to your house? It seems like she's more interested in the Xmas markets which is awful.

Hope you feel better soon OP x

ApolloandDaphne · 07/11/2018 18:52

She really doesn't sound like a great friend to me. She is refusing to accept that you are on crutches and can't get about and just wants to to do what she wants to do. A good friend would come for a night at the weekend brining wine and dinner, or at least ordering takeaway!

SuperstarDJ · 07/11/2018 19:05

I thought you were being unreasonable with your first post, but not the second. I would be hurt at that too! Why can't she come to your house? It seems like she's more interested in the Xmas markets which is awful

This ^. Sounds as if the friendship isn’t what you thought it was if she doesn’t even want to spend an evening sitting in with you having dinner.

WiddlinDiddlin · 07/11/2018 19:13

OP I do think some folk just like to give someone a kicking when they are down because they can get away with it here..

You weren't expecting your friend to drop everything and come care for you after all, a visit, some time chatting on the phone or skype, some concern.. that would have done.

YANBU.. friend is a twunt, ditch friend, get better ones.

On to practical suggestions - can you afford to get someone in to do a bit of cleaning, maybe move some stuff around so its easier to get about - so you have less to worry about? Not every week perhaps but once or twice?

I really can't cope on my own (physical disabilities) and a good friend who couldnt visit as shes far away with a small child, sent me a coffee maker that I can access via our serving hatch meaning I can now make myself a hot drink whilst OH is out. Little things like that go a long way :D

Whatdoyouthink123 · 07/11/2018 19:14

Op I don’t think YBU to feel a little hurt by your friend. Unfortunately some people are less aware of how others may be feeling - so I guess she probably didn’t mean to upset you, but hasn’t thought how you might be feeling.

On a different note, I remember the first time I posted (diff user name), some people were unnecessarily harsh/over dramatic and i must admit made me feel much worse initially - but try not to let other people’s opinions upset you. It’s very easy to sit in judgement on the internet but at the end of the day you’re the only one who truly knows the situation xx

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