Friendship is now damaged

[Peaceisbliss]

Hi. I'm a first time poster and would really appreciate opinions from others.
Five weeks ago I had a bad fall which resulted in a broken ankle and lower leg.
I was in hospital for 4 days but due to my partner working overseas I was discharged home alone. It was a bit scary but I sucked it up and managed with local friends popping in. My family live 200 miles away and due to issues I simply said I was coping fine but they have rang everyday.
However my oldest friend of 20 years has I feel let me down. They have been too busy to visit and in 5 weeks I've had a couple of texts. I got a bit upset that they couldn't help when I first came home and it did hurt but I've finally accepted it and just concentrated on staying positive. The thing is I've received a text today like nothing is wrong and they have not even asked how I'm doing..just a film recommendation.
I was a bit shocked and so called them out on it. They have form for selfish behaviour which I've always let slide previously due to length of time I've known them.
The excuse was they have been a bit stressed but surely it only takes 5 mins for a quick phone call. For context they work from home and have no kids so not overwhelmed with commitments.
I'm feeling a bit low after confronting them and don't know if it's me over thinking things? But to be blunt I feel I've seen their true colours and I feel the friendship may be over for me. 20years is such a long time but who treats a friend like that. Especially as I've honestly been there for them whenever needed. Feel like a mug.

I didn't need looking after. But I'm on crutches so meal prep, making drinks and washing is a challenge. I can't carry anything. But I'm managing. Maybe I am being over sensitive

Tbh it sounds like you could do with a bit of help but plenty of people wouldn't get that. Unless you have been on double crutches, you just don't get how debilitating it is.

You can't even carry a cup of tea to a comfortable chair!

I think if it is upsetting you there is no point in "calling someone out" on anything. The thing to do is to be really direct and explain why you are finding it difficult and you could use a bit of help.

Be precise about the help you need and the time you need it - shopping, unpacking, tea making and so on.

YANBU to be upset but YABU to expect people to be sensitive to things they have no experience of and/or to be mind readers.

I think you had every right to expect a bit more support and it's fair enough to bring it up with her. It's better than stewing. I think a lot of people if they haven't been in a similar situation, just don't know how vulnerable it can make you feel. I have a long term disability and at the beginning it was a massive shock how on my own I essentially was. Even now I have some good friends and I have very low expectations of them. People do not get it. The ones who do have had something similar to what you're experiencing and know full well how much that little but more care helps.

I'm a bit torn because when I broke my leg I had young kids and I just had to get on with it, I had a little bit help the first week but after that I got about on my bum, used bags to carry stuff. When I got used to the cast I was able to get about quite canny.

You're 5 weeks in. Come on lass you should have developed some sort of coping with it by now.

Your bloke should have come home or you could have asked a family member to come and visit instead of saying you're fine.

I disagree with a lot of the posters I do think my expectation of a good friend of 20 years if they lived anyway local would be much higher than 2/3 texts in 5 weeks, but sometimes we treat our oldest friends the worst because we falsely believe if they really want something they will ask us, they will pick up the phone, as they know us so long, so I think you are right to be hurt but don't feel you have to end the friendship, maybe this is just a bad period for both of you and if you value your friend than maybe you just need to be the one making the calls, accept this was not their finest hour and maybe focus more on what makes them a friend for the last 20 years minus the last 5 weeks.

I’m with you on this OP. A friend of mine has a broken wrist and I call in a few time s a week to see if she needs shopping etc. I don’t think you ABU.

I don't know, it depends on a lot of things. You say she's your oldest friend but is she a close friend, do you see her often, is she really local to you, is she your "best" friend as well as your oldest friend? But agree it's shit if she doesn't even ask how you are.

Thanks plane. I tried the alcohol thing. Discovered it is dangerous to be in charge of crutches after a couple of glasses!

For context they work from home and have no kids so not overwhelmed with commitments

I am sorry but work from home is work and the absence of kids does not mean that someone can't be overwhelmed with commitments!

On a different note, how close are you with this friend? Yes, 20 years is a long time to know someone but how regularly do you see each other and do things together? Also what do you mean by being there for them in the past?

OP I think you’re perfectly valid to feel a bit sad that your friend had only asked how you are once and not bothered to phone you/visit/check in with you. That’s not great for a close friend of 20 years - especially if they knew you’d had a bad break and were home alone.

I didn’t get the impression you expected to be waited on hand and foot. But I agree a bit of concern would have been nice.

My husband nearly died earlier this year and was in ICU for 2 weeks - while I was trying to hold it all together for the kids and work and be at the hospital, my friend texted, “hope DH is getting better, would you mind feeding my cat over the holiday?”. We don’t really bother with them these days!

This always happens on these threads. You get a rush of people who think it’s totally unreasonable to expect a bit of concern from an old friend after a nasty and painful accident.

Luckily this is usually followed by some more sympathetic and measured responses.

YANBU At all. Four days in hospital implies a nasty injury, possibly with surgery? You will have had issues with all aspects of life from food prep, shopping, showering and basically everything. Not to mention feeling low and fed up.

A decent friend would be in very regular contact, offering help and generally offering support and cheer. She didn’t offer any of the above and from the sounds of it actively avoided you. It’s unfortunately not an uncommon reaction to illness. It does kind of separate the wheat from the chaff friend-wise.

She’s a fair weather friend. She needed calling out on it. If she doesn’t apologise and come round with flowers and wine- doubtful- then sadly you write her off as someone who wasn’t quite as good a friend as you thought. It’s shit and it happens. Sorry.

Get better soon. Have you got stuck into some good boxsets and got some other stuff done?

And completely missing the point here but why are you still on crutches 5 weeks after breaking your ankle? My sister had a mahor accident and broke her hip and thigh bone and 5 weeks after that even she wasn't
on crutches all the time. Maybe think about trying to go without them for a bit here and there?

She is my oldest friend and almost like family. I was very close to her Dad who has now passed. We meet up monthly as she is an hour drive away but it's just hit a nerve today. Possibly just because I can't get out and about and distract myself. Il probably let it slide but it's true you find out who your friends are when you need a bit of support.

Did they text you in the beginning to ask if you needed any help?

I know some people find this weird but I can't remember the last time I had a phone conversation with anyone! All of my communication with friends and family is by WhatsApp or text. A phone call might not have occurred to them.

But I would have certainly text in the beginning saying let me know if you need some batch cooking dropped round, as we all did recently when a friend gave birth.

i wouldnt necessarily rush round to help but id definitely see how my friend was. People on here always say "oh it doesnt matter they forget your birthday/go out/come see you/call you"...but ermm thats a friend.
They should have checked on you agreed.

A hours drive is significantly different than living nearby just round the corner which is what you’d previously implied. If you still need help rely more on your family, partner and others who are nearer.

If you want her help just ask her for it rather than waiting to be asked.

BTW, working from home means exactly that. It doesn’t mean nipping out to see a friend for a couple of hours.

I have broken my tibia and fibular also. They were pinned. I've been told 12 weeks before any weight bearing and then 4 weeks of physio. It is a complicated spiral fracture.

We meet up monthly as she is an hour drive away but it's just hit a nerve today

I am really sorry that you feel that this is the end of your friendship or that it might be but it sounds to me like you may well have been drifting apart for a while now. Meeting up monthly does not necessarily mean a very close relationship or any kind of close bond. I have ex colleagues with whom I meet monthly just because we got on well.

It would have been nice, of course, if she visited or checked up on you but it really seems to me that what you see as your closest friendship may not necessarily be all that anymore. Plus s/he lives an hour away, which is quite a distance to go.

I am not justifying anything or judging you. Just saying that this relationship may not be as close a friendship as you think it was.

OP sorry to hear of your accident. Ankle and leg break hope your well on the way to recovery.

I think your friend could have at least called/Skype you a few times. Or say sorry cant manage to see you deadlines looming etc.

A couple of texts over weeks is a bit shameful of them.

I don’t think it’s too much to expect a ‘hows it going’ text, tbh.

I don't think you've been selfish. Breaking a bone isn't something that happens every day so I think a friend should be a little more attentive.

I recently had no contact with a 30 years of knowing them (off for about seven due to nothing bad) for over six months. This was due to something serious happening I didn't want to tell them. They broke the silence first and we've messaged since in the 2-3 years since but it's not the same anymore. She's not answered my last few messages so I'm left feeling confused.

I feel for you, OP.

BTW, working from home means exactly that. It doesn’t mean nipping out to see a friend for a couple of hours

Completely agree and it would be more than a couple of hours in this case as the friend lives an hour away!

Did you ask her for help? She's an hour away and might have a lot going on or just not really grasp what you were going through. If you asked her to pop over and give you a hand and she ignored it then yanbu but if you're just upset that she didn't just know she should've been over helping out or whatever then that's not very fair. Just because she's not got kids it doesn't mean she can't have stuff going on in her own life and i work from home - it doesn't mean i can drive am hour to see a friend during the day.

Shes not bothered about you then really is she? If someone cares about a friend, then they try to offer some support really in times of need, Not just sending a couple of texts which is basically one step above nothing.
I'd downgrade her to acquaintance level and you know what to do don't you? when she has a problem leave her to it.

I do think you're being a bit needy and unreasonable. My mother broke her ankle at 80yrs old and she coped just fine once she had it plastered.
After 5 weeks - why wouldn't you be fine?
Don't lose a friend over this - you are being a bit over-sensitive. If you wanted the friend to do something specific you should have asked. They presumed you are ok - you are ok, just a bit down and so it seems like a big deal. let it go.

Hmmm. Did you mention to her specifically what you could and couldn't do? Did you mention you were struggling?

I ask because I have a (male) friend of 20 years. He's quite 'high maintenance' but he's also gives me a lot back and we love each other a lot. I have a dh and family (and work from home incidentally!) - my friend lives alone.
One night I was just getting out of the bath and my friend rang to say he thought he'd broken his ankle. However, he has form for random statements and surreal ideas and when he laughed straight after I asked him if he was joking. He said yes! Then no! Then laughed again. I said I wasn't sure if I believed him. He then told me he was getting the bus to the hospital (laughing again).

I ended up laughing it off and carried on getting ready for bed.

A few weeks later (not unusual for us to not speak for a few weeks) he rang to say how his foot was doing. He HAD broken his ankle. He'd got the bloody bus with it. He said he was upset I didn't offer to drive him.
What I needed him to do was to not joke about and seriously ASK me if I would drive him to the hospital. I had no real idea of what he wanted or even if it was true and I just wanted to get into my pyjamas.
He tells everyone now the story of how I wanted a bath more than drive to hospital and I made him get the bus when he had a broken ankle!

We're still good friends. I will go out of my way to help him with anything and he knows it. Just sometimes I need him to tell me clearly what he wants from me!

I would cut your friend some slack to be honest OP.