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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt?

150 replies

Wineloffa · 06/11/2018 17:39

I found out today that I was the only person in the office (bar two temps) who wasn’t invited to a colleague’s wedding. There are 13 in the office. I found this out when someone posted a group pic of everyone at the wedding on our intranet.

I have been working in the office for three years and get on really well with everyone. I feel shocked and hurt and can’t think why I would have been excluded.

Obviously I can’t say anything because the bride is entitled to invite whoever she wants to her wedding and I wouldn’t dream of causing a fuss but I feel it’s changed things for me and things will be different in the office from now on.

I even contributed to a card and a gift and wished her well on her last day. Apparently they’ve all been chatting in a WhatsApp about the wedding for weeks. I feel so silly now..

OP posts:
mimibunz · 06/11/2018 17:42

Not unreasonable at all!! I don’t know what advice to give, OP, but take care of yourself and your feelings. Life is too short to go around thinking you are friends with people who don’t see you the same! Flowers

Funkyslippers · 06/11/2018 17:43

Wow, that's really hurtfull. If it was me I would definitely say something. Once the dust has settled I'd just casually ask the bride if there was a reason you were excluded.

FWIW, where I work we have a policy where if you're going to organise a social event you must not exclude anyone or they have every right to put in an official complaint. I'm not saying you should do this, but might be worth seeing if your company has this policy.

spaghettiforhair · 06/11/2018 17:45

Not unreasonable at all. Don't let it change you and how you are but just have it noted in the back of your head for the future. Remember colleague not friends.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 06/11/2018 17:49

That is hurtful. Flowers

CoraPirbright · 06/11/2018 17:55

Oh OP I am so sorry. I would be very hurt too - I think most people would.

Original poster
Wineloffa · 06/11/2018 17:56

Thanks for all your replies. I don’t think I would actually ever bring it up to be honest but it will take me a while to get over it.

There is a social outing organised for this Saturday but I’m going to cancel myself because I couldn’t face any wedding chat when I hadn’t been invited.

I go out of my way to never exclude people because I would hate people to feel like this. I can’t believe I’m in this position.

OP posts:
nicebitofquiche · 06/11/2018 18:01

I agree with you OP. It's just rude not to invite everyone apart from one. I wouldn't say anything but I'd be plotting some kind of revenge that I would never carry out. Remember what another person said, they aren't your friends, merely colleagues.

Original poster
Wineloffa · 06/11/2018 18:03

Thanks nicebitofquiche. I guess I’m just sad that I’m now working in an office surrounded by people I don’t trust. I enjoy my job and love going in everyday and this has cast a cloud over it.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 06/11/2018 18:05

That is a really mean thing to do, and everyone being complicit in it. I certainly would be less friendly towards her, I don't think I would ask her about it, but it would sour things for me.

DeadBod · 06/11/2018 18:05

I'd be hurt too especially if they've been chatting on a WhatsApp Group. Had no one mentioned the wedding in the office? There would normally be chats about what to wear etc.
Asking why you wasn't invited might bring up further hurt for you Sad

greendale17 · 06/11/2018 18:06

How very hurtful. I would be gutted.

She obviously doesn’t view your friendship as anything other than work

Original poster
Wineloffa · 06/11/2018 18:06

I should just add that I have loads of friends and a healthy social life outside of work so I don’t need these girls to be my friends but it’s nice to get along with your work colleagues.

OP posts:
BasicUsername · 06/11/2018 18:08

Did they all conspire to keep it a secret from you? Had none of them mentioned beforehand that they were going?

Original poster
Wineloffa · 06/11/2018 18:08

Deadbod there wasn’t much chat but I think that’s because they were texting about it which makes it feel like they were trying to keep it a secret. Maybe I’m being paranoid now.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 06/11/2018 18:08

You enjoy your job, and that is the main thing, be professional and polite, and that is it, you are not really friends but people who happen to work together. I would go, hold your head up and go, and if they are talking about the wedding, say shame i was the only one not invited, nevermind. Don't let it cast a cloud, just because some mean thoughtless person in the office did that. Talk to the others you and just be civil and professional to her.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/11/2018 18:10

If op did not know about it until the picture on the intranet, I think they were told to keep quiet by the bride, very nasty, she knew what she was doing was wrong. nobody had your back, or questioned why you were not invited. They might have done, but she might have found an excuse or laugh it off.

ButchyRestingFace · 06/11/2018 18:10

I wouldn’t dream of causing a fuss but I feel it’s changed things for me and things will be different in the office from now on.

How long have you been there? How long has she been there?

Do you have a manager? Did he/she attend?

Original poster
Wineloffa · 06/11/2018 18:10

Well I knew the 3 girls from her team were going but finding out the rest of the office was there was the shock.

OP posts:
ButchyRestingFace · 06/11/2018 18:11

Ignore the first question, you said you'd been there 3 years!

Original poster
Wineloffa · 06/11/2018 18:12

I’ve been there three years. She’s been there five. Yes my manager was there.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 06/11/2018 18:12

Oh op, some people are so nasty, that says a lot about her, than it does you. At least you did not have to spend any money on a gift, outfit and staying the night at an expensive hotel. Go on that outing with your head held high.

Ellisandra · 06/11/2018 18:12

Ouch! That’s a mean thing to do - I’d never leave out just one. How long have the temps been around? If since before the invitations the bride might have seen it as NOT everyone but you. Also, did anyone leave? So originally there was more than you not invited?

I would change my opinion of the bride... but none of the others are fault here - so try not to let yourself give in to those feelings of not trusting all of them.

dontalltalkatonce · 06/11/2018 18:13

Wow! Yeah, I'd cool things off with her. I'd be fucked off if I contributed to the gift, too. Wouldn't do the social thing at the weekend, either.

HollowTalk · 06/11/2018 18:13

I think excluding someone like this counts as bullying. I would go over your boss's head with this. Please don't just put up with it - it's so hurtful.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/11/2018 18:14

I wonder why your manager did not question her, it is about team cohesion, and what she did was bullying by exclusion. I would be more upset at your manager, why don't you talk to your manager about how you are feeling.