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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel hurt?

150 replies

Wineloffa · 06/11/2018 17:39

I found out today that I was the only person in the office (bar two temps) who wasn’t invited to a colleague’s wedding. There are 13 in the office. I found this out when someone posted a group pic of everyone at the wedding on our intranet.

I have been working in the office for three years and get on really well with everyone. I feel shocked and hurt and can’t think why I would have been excluded.

Obviously I can’t say anything because the bride is entitled to invite whoever she wants to her wedding and I wouldn’t dream of causing a fuss but I feel it’s changed things for me and things will be different in the office from now on.

I even contributed to a card and a gift and wished her well on her last day. Apparently they’ve all been chatting in a WhatsApp about the wedding for weeks. I feel so silly now..

OP posts:
Original poster
Wineloffa · 06/11/2018 21:15

It was 3 people, me and 2 temps.

I really don’t want to go in and stamp my feet over it. Maybe in a few weeks when the dust settles I will quietly mention to the bride that I was surprised to see the pic on the intranet and hurt that I wasn’t invited. Who knows, she might even have a rational explanation..

OP posts:
Alfie190 · 06/11/2018 21:25

Leaving one person out of social events is definitely widely considered as work place bullying.

I think it is absolutely appalling that your manager went to this event knowing that you were not invited. I am a senior manager and I would have boycotted had I known about something like this and I am sure they did know.

TrueLoveWays · 06/11/2018 21:26

Nasty cruel behaviour
Awful way to treat a colleague

CarrotandSwede · 06/11/2018 21:32

How horrible. I wouldn’t trust any of them again.

AddictedToSkittles · 06/11/2018 21:34

I'd definitely ask the bride outright if you've offended her and why you weren't invited. What a shitty thing for her to do!

bigballss · 06/11/2018 21:38

Sending hugs @Wineloffa Thanks

HollowTalk · 06/11/2018 21:45

I wouldn't speak to the bride about it. It's her decision. I would speak to my manager's manager about it. OP, this is a really serious matter. You need to deal with it.

theOtherPamAyres · 06/11/2018 22:25

There are at least two things going on here.

  1. The brides decision about wedding guests.
Nothing you can do about that, in my view. It was her call. Cross her off your Christmas card list and move on.
  1. Your colleagues' behaviour: the secrecy, the exclusion, the conspiracy of silence.

This is the real issue, for me. There was no reason for it - unless everyone including your manager was sworn to silence (and why would they do that, knowing that you would see the wedding photos at some stage?) You're a grown-up and would have taken the lack of an invite in your stride, but the whispering behind your back on WhatsApp was the cruellest part.

I think your manager has some work to do in re-establishing your trust and assuring you that you are an important part of the team/office. At some stage, the manager will have to justify that unnecessary and demeaning way of excluding you.

Flowers
SongsWithoutWords · 07/11/2018 06:19

Horrendous feeling, you really have my sympathy. It takes us straight back to childhood doesn't it - that stinging feeling of exclusion, almost shame when the realisation dawns. I really wish people wouldn't do this, it is so unnecessarily hurtful.

The only reason I can think of is she was limited on numbers and she decided to only invite those people from work who went on her hen do - if all the others went? No excuse but I can see her justifying it to herself - 'these people made the effort to come to my hen do' (even though you physically couldn't). They would justify the chat as being an extension of the work 'hen do' chat.

I had a similar situation when I was the only one in a small friendship group left out of the wedding party - when they even included my husband in the wedding party. They all got ready together, there were gifts given out publicly to them all and it was like this smug little group that I was excluded from. It was a destination wedding and I was at a loose end during rehearsals and everything else. I am still friends with the bride but I have never felt the same about her since then. Some people really lack empathy and only think of their own needs.

DisappearingGirl · 07/11/2018 09:06

The bride is apparently lovely. I doubt anyone would think she’s a bitch. I don’t even think she’s a bitch despite how upset I am over this!

Sorry, didn't mean to be overly harsh! I still think it was either mean or very thoughtless.

I don't think you necessarily have to mention it if it's not your style. You can choose to rise above it. It's still very hurtful though.

Songs I thought that - maybe a convenient excuse to limit numbers?

Annechristmas · 07/11/2018 09:12

OP Did everyone else go on the hen do?

DerelictWreck · 07/11/2018 09:25

It seems really weird that you would be invited to the Hen but not the wedding?

SongsWithoutWords · 07/11/2018 09:37

It seems really weird that you would be invited to the Hen but not the wedding?

To be honest I think Op was invited to Hen, didn't go (totally valid reasons), Bride was really tight on numbers and needed to cut down the initial list. Work friends are usually the first to get cut in my experience. Op not attending the hen would give her justification not to invite her - 'well she didn't come to the hen, so can't expect to come to the wedding etc.' Harder to drop the others if they went - 'she made the effort and spent money to come on my Hen, I can't drop her!!'

Then she didn't want to have that awkward conversation so just ignored it.

It doesn't stop the hurt though.

tiggerkid · 07/11/2018 09:49

It's quite natural to feel as you do and quite odd for the colleague not to invite you when she invited practically everyone else. Just put it down to experience and move on. Nothing you can do anyway. If you really want to make a comment, then you could just casually say something like, "Just seen the photos from your wedding. Congratulations. Looks like you had a lovely day" and see if she says anything but that will be quite awkward, to be honest, as it's clear that she intentionally excluded you and the other colleague. Not pleasant but hope you can move on. Sod them. You probably wouldn't want to be at a wedding of the person, who doesn't like you for whatever reason anyway! Cake

Pigsears · 07/11/2018 09:59

Invite the 2 temps out for an alternative wedding breakfast.... and post a picture on fb...
It's awkward. And a bit strange. From your posts you sound more than capable to style it out. Flowers

Mookatron · 07/11/2018 10:08

I think excluding you is horrid, the WhatsApp group is mean - but it's the picture on the work intranet that absolutely turns it into a professional issue. In case you change your mind about talking to your manager. Flowers

itshappened · 07/11/2018 10:18

whatever you do, don't show anyone in work that you are remotely bothered. its a very strange thing for the bride to do... i didn't invite anyone from my work to my wedding, as i knew i didn't want my whole team there, and wanted to avoid making anyone feel uncomfortable or show any favouritism. they have kept it a secret from you for the whole time, and its rude and cruel to have deliberately kept you in the dark.

just keep your distance for a while and don't mention anything about the wedding from now on. you have lots of real friends, they are simply your colleagues.

Original poster
Wineloffa · 07/11/2018 10:52

I’m still feeling upset today but everyone in here is so nice. I’m finding it hard to believe this was deliberate. I’m hoping it’s some sort of misunderstanding. Not sure how to find out though without it looking like I’m injured by this.

OP posts:
toherdoor · 07/11/2018 11:15

It's ok if they know you're injured op. It was a really shit thing to do and they should feel bad about it. I had this years ago at a job where I worked in a close team that were very social. I fell pregnant and was then excluded from everything. Couldn't wait to get out of there.

@SongsWithoutWords why did your husband accept a place in the wedding party?

Aeroflotgirl · 07/11/2018 11:26

I agree, it is fine if they see you hurt. I bet they are nice, they know that they were complicit in excluding you from what became a work event. They are just 2 faced op, now that you have the measure of them, I would place them in the category of randoms that you work with, not friends. They are not friends anyway, unless you see them outside work, and meet up with them. I would personally be hurt by what has happened if I were in your position, but not as hurt if a good friend that that to me.

You said you enjoy your job, and you like it, I personally would not go to HR or rock the boat for that one thing, if it continued, yes I would. But I would give less of myself to them, be professional, polite, and view them as just colleagues, not friends. Just give for collections if you want to, and give the amount knowing this in mind.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/11/2018 11:27

Mentally and emotionally distance yourself from them at work, and do the job to the best of your ability. They are not your friends, you have friends who love and care for you, they are not them. Keep telling yourself that.

Singlenotsingle · 07/11/2018 11:40

I think at some stage you'll have to have a quiet word with the bride and ask her why you weren't invited. Otherwise it'll nag away at you forevermore. Agree, it was a horrible and unkind thing to do.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/11/2018 11:41

They were nice to your face, whilst doing this behind your back, it's called being 2 faced.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/11/2018 11:54

If there is wedding talk in the office, I would certainly make an offhand remark on the lines of "oh shame I missed such a lovely day, as I was the only permanent staff not to be invited". I have seen this happen a few times on Mumsnet, I don't know the mentality of these brides. There was one a couple of years ago where the op worked in a car showroom, and all bridges colleagues on the shop floor were invited, she was the only one left out, barr the technicians. She helped bride with her wedding planning, and was on a more friend basis with the bride, it was nasty.

I wonder what happened to her and the situation with the bride when she came back off her honeymoon.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/11/2018 11:58

It must take an incredibly twisted and nasty individual to do a thing like that!

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