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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt?

150 replies

Wineloffa · 06/11/2018 17:39

I found out today that I was the only person in the office (bar two temps) who wasn’t invited to a colleague’s wedding. There are 13 in the office. I found this out when someone posted a group pic of everyone at the wedding on our intranet.

I have been working in the office for three years and get on really well with everyone. I feel shocked and hurt and can’t think why I would have been excluded.

Obviously I can’t say anything because the bride is entitled to invite whoever she wants to her wedding and I wouldn’t dream of causing a fuss but I feel it’s changed things for me and things will be different in the office from now on.

I even contributed to a card and a gift and wished her well on her last day. Apparently they’ve all been chatting in a WhatsApp about the wedding for weeks. I feel so silly now..

OP posts:
Original poster
Wineloffa · 06/11/2018 18:33

I just can’t understand why she wouldn’t invite me. I’m racking my brains to think if I’ve ever offended her or done something to warrant it. I should say that I do drink and love a good night out!

OP posts:
Devillanelle · 06/11/2018 18:35

Are you totally sure there wasn't an open invite to the evening do for the office and you didn't pick up on it or something? I can't believe someone would really do this, it must be a mix up.

SpikyHair · 06/11/2018 18:35

Are they all much younger or older than you? Not that it's an excuse

Original poster
Wineloffa · 06/11/2018 18:36

I did wonder about an open invite that maybe I missed (I doubt it though!) but wouldn’t someone at least ask me if I was going or prompt me to rsvp?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wineloffa · 06/11/2018 18:37

No we are all roughly the same age 30s and 40s.

OP posts:
MrsStrowman · 06/11/2018 18:39

This may be a little passive active but rather than go over in your head why, I'd just ask 'have I upset you in some way? I'm sorry if I have but I genuinely can't think of how', when she asks what you're talking about you just say you assumed you must have as everyone else was invited to the wedding

UnicornSlaughters · 06/11/2018 18:39

What a nasty twunt. I'm sorry OP x

MrsStrowman · 06/11/2018 18:39

Passive aggressive

LucieMorningstar · 06/11/2018 18:40

There was a similar post a few months back of a very similar scenario. I’d love to know what’s happened since (so if anyone knows, do share!).

Op, chin up. These people are not worth the effort but I completely understand why you’re upset.

Bahhhhhumbug · 06/11/2018 18:41

Yes l agree that exluding just one or even a couple of people is marginalisation which is a recognised form of bullying. This happened on my ward when l worked in the NHS and it was none other than the ward sisters party that one nurse out of about 16 wasn't invited. All the clerical and domestic were invited too. I complained and encouraged the non invitee to complain and l also refused to go and said why. We were both in the union and they represented her and the sister was disciplined, sent on a people skills course and effectively demoted. Definitely seek union advice if you are a member and if not speak to hr or your manager's manager.

SpaceCannotBeLeftBlank · 06/11/2018 18:44

A very similar thing happened to me a few years ago. The bride invited (among other members of our team, including my boss) one of my direct reports whom I managed. My DR didn’t mention it to me, obviously. That was the real kicker when I eventually did find out via social media. I felt not only excluded but that my professional authority had somehow been undermined by having one of my junior team keep a secret from me.

I was gracious. I commented on the pics about how beautiful the bride looked and how happy they looked as a couple. All I could do was suck it up and style it out, but I was gutted and left as soon as I could.

Weirdly, I hear via the grapevine that none of the team who went to the wedding really know or talk to each other any more.

SpaceCannotBeLeftBlank · 06/11/2018 18:45

And I think the reason I was left out was because I didn’t go to the engagement party. I had a legit reason but she took that as a snub.

Original poster
Wineloffa · 06/11/2018 18:48

Hi spacecannotbeleftblank I was invited to the hen but couldn’t go as was out of the country (legit excuse). Do you think this might be the reason? She seemed fine about it at the time though!

OP posts:
Booskina · 06/11/2018 18:50

My god, who would invite that many colleagues to their wedding ?

misses point of thread

ButchyRestingFace · 06/11/2018 18:50

I did wonder about an open invite that maybe I missed (I doubt it though!) but wouldn’t someone at least ask me if I was going or prompt me to rsvp?

That's what makes me wonder if bridey TOLD the others you'd been invited and couldn't make it.

Gemini69 · 06/11/2018 18:50

this is such nasty office behaviour.. just appalling.. I wouldn't attend anything arranged by your office ever again either OP.. Flowers

Booskina · 06/11/2018 18:50

Also OP missing out on hen do is not an excuse.

akerman · 06/11/2018 18:54

Horrible behaviour, OP. It happened to me once, in that three of us out of a group of 25 were left out of a colleague's leaving drinks. She's asked a few people to arrange her party and a couple had refused because they were uncomfortable with her request to leave three of us out, but our boss was happy to oblige!! It's a very nasty feeling indeed. Is there a colleague you could ask about why you were left out like this?

UrsulaPandress · 06/11/2018 18:54

I remember the other thread too. Similar set up but before the wedding. Wonder what happened.

SpaceCannotBeLeftBlank · 06/11/2018 18:56

Maybe OP. Once you’re out of the loop you’re out of the loop for good?

Before that I would’ve said I was ‘one of the gang’. I think my boss was an asshole for letting it happen too. But he was spineless and just wanted an easy life in all aspects.

Original poster
Wineloffa · 06/11/2018 19:00

I’m honestly too upset to approach any of them right now so I’ll just have to suck it up. I’m going to have a bath and a glass of wine and try and forget about it. I feel pathetic and too embarrassed to even tell my husband which is why I’ve posted on here. It’s like being 14 and back at school.

Thank you for all your kind replies and advice. I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 06/11/2018 19:05

It is just nasty, you love your job, and that is the main thing, go to the outing, and hold your head up high. Don't second guess, you never know what goes on through the mind of mean people.

eggsandwich · 06/11/2018 19:10

I would make a point of asking them how the wedding went and see if anyone asks why I didn’t attend.

If they ask why you wasn’t there, then you know that they think you were invited but couldn’t attend, but I would clearly spell it out to them that you wasn’t invited and listen to the awkward silence but I would be incline to laugh and say so in light of that I’m incline to ask for a refund of my contribution towards the brides gift.

Original poster
Wineloffa · 06/11/2018 19:10

Thanks Aetoflotgirl but I’m not going to go on Saturday I really couldn’t face it.

OP posts:
AmIRightOrAMeringue · 06/11/2018 19:13

It may well be because you couldn't go to the hen - I only say that as it seems odd to invite to the hen then not the wedding!

I think I'd mention to my manager. Along the lines of 'I realise this wasn't an official work event but it crosses over a bit since the whole of work bar me were there...and I am worried I've upset or offended her, do you know why I wasn't invited or of she has an issue with me, as if so I'd rather sort it out so it doesn't affect work'