AIBU to be disgusted with dd's boyfriend - how do I handle this?

[HowTheHellDoIHandleThis]

I've name-changed as dd knows my username.

She's 16, he's 17.5 and they've been dating for about 6 months. He's been sexually active for a while; he is her first boyfriend and she is absolutely devoted to him.

They both use Instagram but dd has never used Facebook. He does and he doesn't put any security settings on his profile - dd and I looked him up, soon after they first met online (shared interest group chat). He had a few pics of him with previous girlfriends and stuff, nothing much.

Anyway, every now and then I glance at his page - I'm not being a stalker but I am concerned as dd is so smitten and really I know so little about him. He went to a party last weekend and a friend has uploaded a bunch of photographs of him with another girl! They are snogging, all over each other.

WHAT DO I DO?

I actually feel quite sick about it. Dd had severe anxiety earlier this year and was off school for 7 months in total; she was also self-harming. Having him in her life has made her so much happier and more confident but now I think he uses her.

For info, they live about an hour away from each other by train so have no mutual friends, other than those they've shared via Instagram. Dd would never be likely to meet or see any of the people at the party as he always comes here, she never goes there. Now I'm beginning to wonder why ... they discussed it as being because she is very anxious about travelling on her own so it was easier for him to come over. They only meet once a week.

Have I been a total mug in allowing him to be with my dd? I am honestly so stressed, my hands are shaking.

I think you’re getting an unfair roasting here OP! If she was your friend and you’d seen pictures like this you’d be told to tell her ASAP.

FWIW, Id tell her but be prepared to be seen as the bad guy - she is 16 after all!

AGirlinLondon in the photo he was wearing a t-shirt that DD bought him

People are calling him the STXB but what if he’s not?

I’m aware that many don’t agree that the OP shouldn’t tell her, but telling her has far wider implications than not,and the OP needs to give that some serious thought before just telling without deciding how she will move forward after this.

Because the fact here is that the OP has had this boy into their home, allowed him over for dinner etc which tbh isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but there’s every chance that the DD could decide that she’ll forgive him and they’ll move forward, or that he might give her another version of events which she believes,and she may decide to stay in the relationship. What then?

People can say that the OP can refuse to have him over to the house after this but the implications of doing that are that they’ll just get together away from home. She’s sixteen, he’s seventeen and old enough to get a driving licence. They’re old enough to be having sex and they may well do that away from home now.

If she feels betrayed over her mum having looked at his social media she may close up towards the OP, and as much as I don’t agree with the OP having gone looking there’s now every chance that he’ll lock down his social media altogether and the OP will be on the outside of everything and powerless to do or even think anything as she may not be kept in the loop.

It simply isn’t as simple as telling the DD and sitting back to pick up the pieces when she dumps him. She may dump him, but she equally may not. It’s just not that straightforward.

SummerGems but the DD deserves to know that her boyfriend has snogged another girl. And why shouldn't OP be the one to tell her?

I’ll hold my hands up and say I’ve looked up other people’s FB profiles. I have foster kids and yes, I have looked up my kids’ parents on FB. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it really.

Anyway, with regard to your situation you said the bf texted you when your daughter was struggling with depression. That’s a lot for a 17 year old to deal with in a partner. Is it possible their relationship is a bit ‘hard work’ and so he went a bit wild at the party? It might be that he’s now reevaluating his relationship with your Dd and might come at the weekend to end things himself. Or he could really regret what happened at the party and know he wants to be with your daughter.

I do think you’re probably over investing a little in this relationship. Personally I wouldn’t be planning future holidays with a 16 year old’s bf/gf as I would be assuming it would have fizzled out by then. Lots of teenage flings do and that’s totally normal.

I hope she does well in her mocks and is then able to deal with what’s happened.

You're not stalking op. You and your daughter looked him up when they first got together and a public profile is for anyone to see.

I can understand your worry, your daughter has her own problems and is vulnerable. However I do think you should talk to her about this and weather the flak, you're being caring. Not much you can do though and his snogging pictures may not be as serious as they appear.

The decision at this point for me would be easy. I'd do what her care team recommended. They know her and her history, and you trust them.

As far as when you do tell her, if she gets upset that you didn't say anything earlier, cite her upcoming exams and that her care team felt it best to wait. Apologize to her if you need to for waiting but tell her you had her best interests at heart.

As far as him coming this weekend, unfortunately you'll probably have to grit your teeth and bear it. And pray that there's a rail strike. Could you come up with a spur of the moment weekend 'family treat' that could reasonably exclude him? Theme park? Shopping trip overnight?

You need to tell her.
In the 1980s (pre internet and social media) my DF caught my then boyfriend with another girl - full on snogging. My DF had stopped the car thinking it was me and was going to offer me a lift home. He didn’t tell me about it. I ended up marrying that boyfriend and found out he was a serial two-timer during our boyfriend/girlfriend time. Had multiple affairs throughout our marriage. He is now my ex. Friends and other people who I trusted , in my mind also became untrustworthy.
Spare your daughter that heartache. Give her some self worth.

kitsandkids I confess I have wondered if dd is “too much” at times. The boyfriend has no known anxiety or depression and seems v straightforward and down to earth. I’m sure dd loves that about him.

Still photos can be very misleading. What looks like a snog could have been a momentary kiss on the lips, just captured at the exact moment. Don’t build it up in your mind while you are waiting to tell her, show her the screenshot and let her draw her own conclusions. And don’t do it till she’s finished her exams.

I don’t think you did anything wrong either. You sound like a caring, supportive mum.

Well that’s a lesson for all. Don’t snoop in other peoples love lives. It never ends well.

Before you tell her you probably need to talk a few things over with your OH. What if bf says it was a drunken snog and he is sorry. How are you going to react to him if she forgives him? How do you think she will feel knowing, you, dad and her cahms worker all know? This is aĺl going to be on top of you being shot as the messenger. And then how are you both going to react when all their sm is locked down tight and you are kept in the dark.

SummerGems you seem kind of muddled up in what you're saying. So I should look on dd's private profiles but I shouldn't look on a public profile? In actual fact I trust dd - as much as you can trust a teenager. She has Snapchat, she has Instagram (2 accounts). I don't need to see either. We've been through a lot together during her mental health crisis and if there's one thing I know for sure, she doesn't share it publicly. She knows I respect her boundaries (which I seem to remember you accusing me of NOT doing) and we have a relationship that if she is in danger (again) she will tell me. That's worked for a while. I do not know how this latest upset will affect her and that's why I'm worried.

For everyone saying things like I 'invited the bf for dinner' and I'm over the top, it's just not like that in our home. I come from a big Jewish family - we cook, we offer food. You don't have to take it. Usually I get a text from dd saying 'can we have something to eat?' and so I make them something. It's fine and very relaxed. The plans to go on holiday are really cooked up by dd and her bf, wanting to do something together. Dh and I took it with a pinch of salt.

FWIW OP, you sound like a great mum. I'd just ignore those who are accusing you of stalking. Just be there for your DD when the sh1t hits the fan. Good luck.

sweeneytoddsrazor if dd decides to forgive him, if he has an excuse and he is the nice guy we thought he was who got pissed at a party and snogged a girl, so be it. It will be for dd to decide and, in a way, it will give her a bit of distance so maybe not a bad thing? Maybe she'll still date him but decide he's not the one for her after all as I know that trust is important. But I DO know that she will be very hurt, whatever his excuse.

summergems aĺl this talk of stalking and betraying is completely melodramatic! His profile on facebook is not private, that's his own choice.There are plenty of people I could look up on facebook and read about its not stalking.

As for the daughter thinking her mother has betrayed her, I doubt it. If she had looked at his phone or hired a private investigator then yes that's crossed a boundary but any other human being in the world could have looked up his facebook page and found those photos

She is a 16 year old vulnerable child and it's perfectly appropriate for her mother to do what she can to protect her.

I probably agree to tell her thursday. people saying she will be annoyed you didnt tell her sooner are obviously correct but that doesn't mean it isn't the right thing. it's nothing to do with being her mother, if I found out a friend's DH was cheating and she had a job interview tomorrow I would wait until thursday to tell her. its the same thing.

Thanks Firstbornunicorn I'm not taking the stalking accusation seriously as it's so stupid. We all look at Facebook OPEN profiles of people we know / work with / new partners of our friends. If it's closed and you pretended to be someone to infiltrate it, then that would be dodgy.

garethsouthgatesmrs thanks. I feel the same. I would tell a friend. Why wouldn't I tell my daughter?

But would you randomly look at a friends boyfriends open Facebook when you know the friend never goes on Facebook.
That’s why it feels very strange, it’s something she doesn’t do. Yes you decided to do it. The thinking behind that action is what worries me.

I honestly can't understand why some people are attacking the OP and banging on and on about boundaries. WTH?

I would absolutely occasionally check on my DDs' b/fs' social media accounts, and I would let DDs know I was doing it also. I've been screwed around by men so often, and DDs know it. If I can stop them from going through what I've been through then I will.

Why does the OP's concern for her DD mean she doesn't have any boundaries ffs. It sounds to me like she has her DD's best interests at heart.

for you OP.

Holdingonbarely but it's not the main point here. She doesn't do FB because she thinks it's for 'old people.' Not for an ethical reason. If she discovered he had a private instagram account and he's her boyfriend, she'd probably be on it in a shot.

Op you sound a fab Mum and I can empathise with the feeding people part as I am Asian. My heart breaks for your poor DD. She should definitely hear it from you. You are only trying to protect her. Best of luck 💐

Thank you Uniquack I suspect most people are the same but they're just pretending they aren't. We all care for the well-being of our loved ones.

My dc are still young but I can already totally understand the temptation to check on DD's bfs/gfs, especially if they're in long distance relationships without any mutual friends. It's human curiosity as well as parental concern!

I think you're doing the right thing to tell her after her mocks. There is no need to tell her immediately. Her mocks are more important in the grand scheme of things.

Good luck OP. You sound like a wonderful mum!