Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be disgusted with dd's boyfriend - how do I handle this?

360 replies

HowTheHellDoIHandleThis · 06/11/2018 14:01

I've name-changed as dd knows my username.

She's 16, he's 17.5 and they've been dating for about 6 months. He's been sexually active for a while; he is her first boyfriend and she is absolutely devoted to him.

They both use Instagram but dd has never used Facebook. He does and he doesn't put any security settings on his profile - dd and I looked him up, soon after they first met online (shared interest group chat). He had a few pics of him with previous girlfriends and stuff, nothing much.

Anyway, every now and then I glance at his page - I'm not being a stalker but I am concerned as dd is so smitten and really I know so little about him. He went to a party last weekend and a friend has uploaded a bunch of photographs of him with another girl! They are snogging, all over each other.

WHAT DO I DO?

I actually feel quite sick about it. Dd had severe anxiety earlier this year and was off school for 7 months in total; she was also self-harming. Having him in her life has made her so much happier and more confident but now I think he uses her.

For info, they live about an hour away from each other by train so have no mutual friends, other than those they've shared via Instagram. Dd would never be likely to meet or see any of the people at the party as he always comes here, she never goes there. Now I'm beginning to wonder why ... they discussed it as being because she is very anxious about travelling on her own so it was easier for him to come over. They only meet once a week.

Have I been a total mug in allowing him to be with my dd? I am honestly so stressed, my hands are shaking.

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 06/11/2018 18:20

OP I understand you want to protect her but you have crossed a line and she really is not going to thank you. How do you propose you are going to answer when she asks why no arrangements for the weekend are being made?

BarMcBarsen · 06/11/2018 18:20

It's sad OP but pretty normal teenager stuff. All part and parcel. Don't blow it out of proportion - surely that will make your dd more anxious

loveyoutothemoon · 06/11/2018 18:20

Oh give over summergems

All she's doing is letting her DD know, she's not telling her to dump him, that's for DD to work out.

Stop being so unrealistic.

SwimmingKaren · 06/11/2018 18:21

It’s not stalking. He’s posting things out viewable to the public for people to see and comment on, op hasn’t been gazing into his bedroom window.

Merryoldgoat · 06/11/2018 18:22

Honestly OP - I don’t know why you’re getting such a hard time.

I’m no counsellor but mock exams are irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. If you think you can reasonably wait until Thursday then do, but if not then tell her kindly and help her however she wants you to.

I used to innocently snog blokes left right and centre at their age but NOT if I had a boyfriend. He knows he’s behaved badly which is why he’s taken them down (obviously) and may regret it, but the finer points are for them to resolve.

Badtasteflump · 06/11/2018 18:22

I understand how worrying this is for you but I have to say I agree (partly) with Summergems.

I can also understand how you want to protect your DD and are worried about her anxiety, but I do think you need to step back. You're not helping her by trying to stage manage her life to stop anything bad happening.

They met over here for the first time. I've chatted to his mum, he's eaten with us, we discussed going on holiday for a week together next spring when dd finishes school after GCSEs.

IMO this all seems way over the top for a fledgling relationship between teenagers. Why do you need to get to know his mum, invite him for meals, etc? And why on earth start talking about arranging holidays together? She's only 16 ffs - what's wrong with her just coming on holiday with her family? It sounds as if this teen romance has been ramped up into something way more serious than it needs to be - which only makes it harder when it ends - as it usually does at that age.

My motto is that I keep right out of my teens relationships. I'm friendly but breezy and casual with boyfriends/girlfriends, because they're not likely to last and I don't want to imply that they should last come hell or high water.

He's cheated? No surprise at all since he's only 17. Yes she needs to dump him and move on, but what happens doesn't mean he's a bastard, just that teenage relationships are usually temporary and your DD should be encouraged not to take them so seriously.

I don't mean to sound harsh btw Sad

AintNobodyHereButUsRavens · 06/11/2018 18:25

What an awful situation Sad I would wait until after her mocks if you and her counsellor think it'll mess them up for her. Just explain that you felt you had to wait until she'd done them so that she could concentrate on them.

RednotWhite · 06/11/2018 18:25

Summergems Please stop, just stop, you're beginning to sound unhinged.

SummerGems · 06/11/2018 18:27

Actually from what the OP said he didn’t post the pictures he was tagged in them. So actualy the person who was posting the pictures could have had a public profile and they would show up on his profile regardless of its status.

It’s absolutely not a good idea to have public fb profiles at that age but plenty of people, even adults do. And if one happens upon them then one might have a look, but other than that I wouldn’t expect someone to go deliberately looking unless they had valid reason for doing so.

Given the OP has given her vulnerable dD the privacy to have locked down social media accounts which only her closest contacts (which apparently do not include the OP but might in fact include said boyfriend) have access to, it seems bizarre that she would then go deliberately looking at the boyfriend’s profile on the off chance.

And given the DD does have locked down social media, it’s entirely possible that there is a lot more the DD is up to that the OP doesn’t know about. She may in fact know about the party. She may know about the snog. She may have seen the pictures even, there’s no way of knowing. Just because she hasn’t told the OP doesn’t mean that she doesn’t know. It’s naive to think that teenagers tell their parents everything. They don’t.

bluebellforest · 06/11/2018 18:27

Flipping hell, you're getting a really hard time here OP.
Mumsnet can be such a weird place sometimes.
I would definitely tell her, if you can wait until after her mocks, that would be good, but if she asks you awkward questions tonight, then I wouldn't lie to her.
All the best x

BarMcBarsen · 06/11/2018 18:29

What @Badtasteflump said!

Ellisandra · 06/11/2018 18:29

Your reasons for telling her tonight are all about you. You don’t think you can hide your feelings. You think you’ll look like the bad guy for not telling her...

You don’t have to wait 2 weeks whilst she’s with him every night. It’s 2 days, when she won’t see him.

She won’t thank you for fucking up her exams! I got dumped as a fully grown adult the day before a work presentation and was pretty bloody angry about that! (the ex was actually very apologetic when I pointed this out!)

Even if she turns her anger on you and says you should have told her immediately, she’ll get over that - and understand why you didn’t.

Please, don’t let her fuck her exams up over this!

Wait too Thu, and be honest. Tell her that you occasionally look him up on fb because you care about her. Don’t minimise it, and if she wants to be angry, accept that. Show her the pictures, then give her space. She may not dump him - don’t criticise her for that, just continue to support her.

Orlandointhewilderness · 06/11/2018 18:32

What a horrible situation for you. Poor lass.

UnicornSlaughters · 06/11/2018 18:32

Christ alive, I swear some people on here argue just for the sake it.

Little prick has cheated and is now trying to cover his tracks by untagging himself from the photos. Your DD deserves to know so she can decide what to do. End of.

Good luck OP, I don't envy your situation one bit.

Rayn · 06/11/2018 18:33

He probably does love your daughter and if alcohol was involved then he may have been drunk! No excuse I know but we all made stupid
Mistakes at that age.
I would let him come over and ask him if he enjoyed his party!! 

Whocansay · 06/11/2018 18:35

The OP has come on here for support. Why the fuck are people being so nasty? She's clearly worried about her child.

If the chance that she will find out sooner is low, I would tell your DD after her mocks. I would also reply to the boy and say you have a family surprise planned at the weekend, so he can't come over.

DanglyBangly · 06/11/2018 18:35

trying to protect my daughter from hurt.

But you can’t do this, however much you want to. We all want to, as parents, but it’s not within our control. All you can do is be there for them.

AGirlinLondon · 06/11/2018 18:36
  1. Wait until after the mocks. For the love of God wait until after the mocks. Doing otherwise only makes you feel better, not her.
  1. Are you absolutely sure these are recent photos - since they’ve been together? I agree with others who say that if they’re available to anyone - and probably tagged - it’s amazing word hasn’t got back
  1. Regardless of your approach - just be prepared that this is a door that can never be closed once it’s opened. I would have FREAKED OUT if my mum approached me and said she’d been through 80 photos on my teenage boyfriend’s Facebook and presented them to me as evidence. Your intentions are good but be prepared for a lengthy recovery period.
toxic44 · 06/11/2018 18:36

I would think this nasty little lad is very good at sounding in love and devoted. Your poor girl will hurt when she knows but it will probably be easier for her coming from you than her finding out the hard way.

BewareOfDragons · 06/11/2018 18:37

I agree with her CAHMs counsellor: wait until Thursday evening, after her GCSEs to say anything.

And then you have a discussion. Tell her that sometimes in life people come across information about other people's relationships that they really wish they hadn't. Or discover something that they know will make others view them as the 'bad guy' , even though they're just the reluctant messenger. Remind her you love her. And that you believes she deserves only the best in life and to be treated with dignity and respect by everyone important in her life, including you. And including her boyfriend.

And then tell her what you've seen and screen shotted. And that you think everyone has the right to make their own decision about their relationship, but they should also do it with all the information at hand.

He's clearly cheated on her. That says negative things about him, not her. She deserves better. But she now needs to make that decision for herself.

SummerGems · 06/11/2018 18:38

Mocks absolutely are important. They give the child some indication of what kind of grades they might expect in their actual GCSE’s. If there’s a 6th form attached to the school it may give an idea as to whether or not they will meet the requirements for that particular college, iyswim. It’s not a definitive but the reality is that this is the first real experience children of this age get to sit exams in a proper exam environment, with study leave, being out of the classroom, with all the rules of exams etc.

In the scheme of things they don’t count towards the future but they do give some idea of how it’s going to be in a real exam environment. As a child who has had time out because of her MH I imagine that she will already be feeling under pressure to perform to the best of her abilities in her mock exams. If she is volatile this could well be impacted by an upset now.

wewillrememberthem · 06/11/2018 18:40

As you spoke to her counsellor, I'd take that advice and sit on your hands until after her mocks.

magoria · 06/11/2018 18:42

I don't think you did anything wrong looking.

Your DD is only 16 and has been struggling with things. You are a mum and yes she is growing up but you still want to protect her.

You are not going to protect her from hurt. This is going to hurt tonight or Thursday. At least DD will know that he is a cheating skuzz and she is better off without him.

If you can wait until after the mocks I think it would be better for her.

Also one last thing. If they are sleeping together she may want to consider a STI check up as now she won't know what he has been up to.

YearOfYouRemember · 06/11/2018 18:44

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, OP. I understand many things you've said and I think if you can it would be best to wait until after her exam. He's not worth knocking her confidence going into the next mocks , is what I'd say if she's cross you didn't tell her sooner. Say not replied re weekend plans as you're not sure what's happening yet. Maybe you and DH have plans…

MrsPerfect12 · 06/11/2018 18:46

Hi OP, so sorry you are dealing with this. I would agree with waiting until exams are over. I would also make arrangements for the weekend with the STBXB keeping everything as normal as possible then when you tell your DD you can cancel those plans. Then no lies to tell. Your daughter doesn’t actually need to know when you seen the photos, could make out it was on the Thursday when you tell her. Her BF is unlikely to state that you must of found them before he deleted them! Good luck. Xx