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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be disgusted with dd's boyfriend - how do I handle this?

360 replies

HowTheHellDoIHandleThis · 06/11/2018 14:01

I've name-changed as dd knows my username.

She's 16, he's 17.5 and they've been dating for about 6 months. He's been sexually active for a while; he is her first boyfriend and she is absolutely devoted to him.

They both use Instagram but dd has never used Facebook. He does and he doesn't put any security settings on his profile - dd and I looked him up, soon after they first met online (shared interest group chat). He had a few pics of him with previous girlfriends and stuff, nothing much.

Anyway, every now and then I glance at his page - I'm not being a stalker but I am concerned as dd is so smitten and really I know so little about him. He went to a party last weekend and a friend has uploaded a bunch of photographs of him with another girl! They are snogging, all over each other.

WHAT DO I DO?

I actually feel quite sick about it. Dd had severe anxiety earlier this year and was off school for 7 months in total; she was also self-harming. Having him in her life has made her so much happier and more confident but now I think he uses her.

For info, they live about an hour away from each other by train so have no mutual friends, other than those they've shared via Instagram. Dd would never be likely to meet or see any of the people at the party as he always comes here, she never goes there. Now I'm beginning to wonder why ... they discussed it as being because she is very anxious about travelling on her own so it was easier for him to come over. They only meet once a week.

Have I been a total mug in allowing him to be with my dd? I am honestly so stressed, my hands are shaking.

OP posts:
Original poster
HowTheHellDoIHandleThis · 06/11/2018 18:03

SabinaSpellmann thanks. The snogging photos are definitely taken without the boy's awareness - I mean he's fully in there, eyes closed, mouths locked together. He may not even know that somebody photographed him until he saw them on the FB page. It looks like someone just loaded up all their photographs of the evening without any editing as most of them are just blurry drunken snapshots.

OP posts:
bangandthedirtisgon · 06/11/2018 18:03

Statements like this:

"Have I been a total mug in allowing him to be with my dd? "

She's 16. It's not up to you to "allow" him to be with your DD.

Calling her Counsellor and telling the Counsellor something that's DD's business and for DD to tell.

That kinda thing.

loveyoutothemoon · 06/11/2018 18:03

sweeny that's what I meant! Blush

BarMcBarsen · 06/11/2018 18:04

Op - you asked earlier whether you should message her boyfriend!! He's texting you about weekend plans. That's so weird! No boundaries!!!

A million times yes to everything @summergems said.

BarMcBarsen · 06/11/2018 18:05

SO MUCH of what you've said indicates you have no boundaries, or rather, unhealthy ones. As above

Giantbanger · 06/11/2018 18:05

You defibnitely have less boundaries than I have with my DDs - but that might be due to her difficulties and a wish to protect her.

Myshinynewname · 06/11/2018 18:05

I couldn’t not tell her. If you keep it from her but act differently to normal with her BF then when you do tell her she will figure it out. If I had already been cheated on by a BF at 16 the worst thing would be to find out other people had been lying to me too. And the risks of her finding out that you knew today seem very high - the photos have been taken down today/friends may have seen them and see that they were taken down today/your screenshots might be date stamped/her counsellor knows/your DH knows/you’ve ignored BF today. Anyone of those people (or you) could accidentally let slip and I imagine she would be devastated.

Original poster
HowTheHellDoIHandleThis · 06/11/2018 18:06

bangandthedirtisgon you mean no boundaries in terms of being too over-protective? I would see no boundaries as me not caring and just letting this all happen without trying to protect my daughter from hurt.

I don't know if you've had a child who has CAMHS involvement at the medical level? We are instructed to regularly check the room for tablets or sharp objects, to keep an eye on eating and food hiding. These are children at risk. Dd knows that I have to do this and that CAMHS are working with me to get her better.

OP posts:
SummerGems · 06/11/2018 18:07

Yes it’s stalking and creepy as fuck.

Imagine the alternative thread on here: “have just discovered that DD’s bf’s mum regularly checks up on her social media to see what she’s doing and now it’s transpired she’s seen a picture and has encouraged her DS to dump dd.” Can you imagine how that one would go down?

It’s interesting that the OP’s dd has social media accounts which she has not given the OP access to, yet the OP feels permitted to check someone else’s child’s social media accounts?

It’s one thing to have access to your own child’s social media. Quite another to go deliberately looking at someone else’s.

And the OP feels sure that her DD’s friends won’t have seen the pictures. How can she possibly know that? If she has found them, then dd’s Friends, you know, the ones who have access to the accounts the OP doesn’t, may also have done. P

bangandthedirtisgon · 06/11/2018 18:08

With all due respect then it sounds like it's worth considering whether you're allowing advice from CAMHS re self harm and eating to colour your entire relationship with her to the extent that you're now policing every thing she does.

Original poster
HowTheHellDoIHandleThis · 06/11/2018 18:09

BarMcBarson - he has no boundaries for texting me about the weekend you mean? It seems just friendly and normal to me; not now of course but it did before. He was the one who started texting me over the summer when he was on holiday as he was worried about dd. She was having a very low phase and was feeling suicidal. Now he just sends me silly pictures now and then. Dd is in contact with his mum on the same basis. It's not like we are best buddies or anything.

OP posts:
Roussette · 06/11/2018 18:11

OK HowTheHell, yes I get that but really you shouldn't or wouldn't know about him and his friends. These two young people are becoming independent slowly but surely.

Was the photo of just him and this girl or lots of partying people? I'm just wondering what it was actually like.

Giantbanger · 06/11/2018 18:13

As I said, I'm on my DDs facebook, and some of her friends. There are many pics on nights out of hugs and kisses - that doesn't mean any of them are cheating and I think you're guilty of seeing this through the prism of how we might have behaved back in the day - DD and her friends are much more touchy feely and have more mixed friendships than I ever had

Original poster
HowTheHellDoIHandleThis · 06/11/2018 18:13

SummerGems - you can make social media accounts private or open. Have you never looked someone up on FB to see how they're doing or out of curiosity? The boyfriend's mum follows dd on instagram and sent her birthday messages. Is that also stalking or having no boundaries?

bangandthedirtisgon again really exaggerated assumptions. I don't police anything she does but as a potentially suicidal teenager I have a duty to keep her safe. Dd knows about this.

Anyway, this thread has gone from helpful to bashing the OP as so often is the case on MN.

OP posts:
Roussette · 06/11/2018 18:14

I wish you luck with the situation. I'm torn about it TBH. I just think you have to tread very very carefully. I hope it all works out for the best.

Original poster
HowTheHellDoIHandleThis · 06/11/2018 18:15

Rousette I explained the photograph a bit earlier. He's on a sofa, snogging a girl. There's no way it's a kiss between friends like some people are saying; they are properly locked into a full on snog. Then there's another one of him hugging her, still on the sofa, with his eyes closed, looking really happy. They're sitting with their arms and legs entwined.

OP posts:
Racecardriver · 06/11/2018 18:16

I think you are doing the right thing by letting her sit her exams first. In the big scheme of things you know that this really isn’t about deal so it is hardly worth upsetting when she is going to be a bit stressed out anyway. I wouldn’t worry too much. His wait for her to finish her exams then sit her down and tell her gently what you found and leave her to it.

SummerGems · 06/11/2018 18:16

OP, the advice from CAMHS is for you to check dd’s room, not to stalk her friends, boyfriends etc online to see what they’re doing in case you don’t approve.

You are way out of order here. Yes he could make his profile private, however you deliberately went checking, you didn’t just happen upon the profile. Why?

Original poster
HowTheHellDoIHandleThis · 06/11/2018 18:16

I will tread carefully and genuine thanks to the people who have tried to help and have understood how sad the situation is.

OP posts:
NeedObjectivity · 06/11/2018 18:16

If you can keep a poker face (and hang onto the receipt for the top from H&M) then leave it until Thursday. If there is any chance she will know something is up from your demeanor then tell her today or she will feel betrayed and gaslit if you reassure her nothing is wrong.

Roussette · 06/11/2018 18:16

Sorry I posted and then read your description of the pic afterwards.

bertielab · 06/11/2018 18:17

IF my daughter was under CAMHS -yes, I would be wary, I'd look at his page -you are not going through his phone. Yes to wait until Thursday. Yes,, be prepared for her to accept his word over yours.........if you insist she break up.
Give her the facts and the confidence and hopefully she will put him in the trash.

BarMcBarsen · 06/11/2018 18:18

How is looking at her boyfriends Facebook keeping her safe? Do you mean safe from any hurt, full stop? Emotional hurt?

Original poster
HowTheHellDoIHandleThis · 06/11/2018 18:19

SummerGems given how friendly he is in general and how dd is in contact with his mum and given that he has no privacy on his FB profile, I had no reason to believe I was actually creepily stalking in some way. But I don't have to justify my actions to you.

OP posts:
SummerGems · 06/11/2018 18:19

And no, I don’t go looking up DS’ friends to see what they’re up to. Why would I?

BTW, what’s on this snapchat of DD’s that you’re not allowed to see? Don’t you think that’s far more of a concern than a boyfriend who may or may not have been snogging a girl at a party?

I would be far more worried about a locked account of a child who has had suicidal thoughts and CAMHS involvement because I would assume or at least want to know, whether there were posts about their deeper darker thoughts on there which they didn’t want me to see.