AIBU to be disgusted with dd's boyfriend - how do I handle this?

[HowTheHellDoIHandleThis]

I've name-changed as dd knows my username.

She's 16, he's 17.5 and they've been dating for about 6 months. He's been sexually active for a while; he is her first boyfriend and she is absolutely devoted to him.

They both use Instagram but dd has never used Facebook. He does and he doesn't put any security settings on his profile - dd and I looked him up, soon after they first met online (shared interest group chat). He had a few pics of him with previous girlfriends and stuff, nothing much.

Anyway, every now and then I glance at his page - I'm not being a stalker but I am concerned as dd is so smitten and really I know so little about him. He went to a party last weekend and a friend has uploaded a bunch of photographs of him with another girl! They are snogging, all over each other.

WHAT DO I DO?

I actually feel quite sick about it. Dd had severe anxiety earlier this year and was off school for 7 months in total; she was also self-harming. Having him in her life has made her so much happier and more confident but now I think he uses her.

For info, they live about an hour away from each other by train so have no mutual friends, other than those they've shared via Instagram. Dd would never be likely to meet or see any of the people at the party as he always comes here, she never goes there. Now I'm beginning to wonder why ... they discussed it as being because she is very anxious about travelling on her own so it was easier for him to come over. They only meet once a week.

Have I been a total mug in allowing him to be with my dd? I am honestly so stressed, my hands are shaking.

If you looked at my DDs facebook you'd think she was a lesbian because she is snogging her friends in nearly every pic especially on a nighrt out.

You need to be sure before you say anything OP and I agree that stalking his FB is a bit odd

SummerGems a lot of what you're referring to are suggestions from PPs, not me.

I am genuinely very upset for dd and worried about her. She's been suffering from depression and anxiety for some time, to the point of being unable to go to school. This sort of thing could be devastating for her. You might practise tough love and that's your choice but it's not mine.

And I must add I would also naturally look at my dd's profile. Nothing wrong with that.

I don't equate what Summergems is suggesting with "tough love". It's about boundaries. You seem to have none.

Is it stalking someone's Facebook if you just look at their public profile pictures now and then? I think this is probably the third time I've looked at it in 3 months. The first time was with dd.

I am of the attitude that if you have a social media profile which is not private in any way, then you wouldn't put anything on it that you don't want to be seen?

Just show her and she can make the decision. You owe it to her.

Wait till mocks are over. It makes no sense to mess up your daughter's life even further.

No it's not stalking, ignore the people who say it is!

Of course you are going to worry about your DD. Especially as she has had depression and this will hit her hard.

But I still think you just have to be there, with loving arms, when these sort of things happen. Not engineer a break up by telling her what you've seen. My DDs are older and FB wasn't so prevelant, so I had to go with my gut feeling with their boyfriends, take them as they were, pick up the pieces when it all went wrong if it all went wrong etc.

@loveyoutothemoon it was her dds boyfriend not her dds profile

Tell her after her mocks don't let him ruin that to. I was quite young when I had my first relationship and was devastated when it ended when I was 16 I went into a very deep depression for a couple of weeks but I soon got over it you learn to live with these things things, I was heartbroken she will be for the first few days you're her mum and this needs to be done tell her after Thursday be open with her and just allow her to do what she needs to do don't suggest or push anything on her she might want to hear him out at the weekend

I also suffered with depression from 15 and saw CAHMS

Oddly, I don't look at any of dd's profiles because she uses instagram and Snapchat which I don't use ever. I know she has two accounts because she told me - one her general account, which she probably wouldn't mind me seeing (it's the one that the boyfriend's mum follows of hers) and the other is a 'spam' account (whatever that means) where she only shares things with a very few people who are very close to her. I totally respect that.

In some ways it's totally unfortunate that I logged onto his account today. It was a random decision and I'd be much happier this evening if I hadn't. I wonder what other things have happened that I haven't seen. But it's interesting he's taken those photographs down. I think the ones of him slipped in with loads of pictures from the party. I know him so little that I don't know how much he's even told his friends about dd. She's never socialised with any of them as she's too shy. But they must have seen pictures of her with him on his instagram or Snapchat?

If you tell her, wait till after her mocks. I'm so uneasy with the current culture. My dad used to spy on me, follow me and try and listen in on my phone call. I found it deeply disturbing. I suppose it's normal now.

I would wait til the mock exams are done this week, then tell her.

Your DH is right. Why the hurry to tell her? It’s going to hurt whenever she finds out. If she also stuffs up her exams that’s another blow to her confidence.

I know its a minor detail, but did he actually post the pictures or did someone tag him in them?

Im guessing hes been tagged in the pics, seen them amd deleted the tag because of the content.

Not excusing what hes done obviously but i suppose its the difference as to how blatent he has been/tried to cover his tracks.

But OP you say you know him so little, yet he's eating at your house, you've chatted to his Mum, there's talk of a family holiday with him. That is a LOT.

Namechange1781 thanks. I think I will tell her after Thursday. She might guess I'm being a bit off or different though I'll try to hide it.

I also think she'll be talking to him this evening and he will mention that he messaged me about this weekend and she'll ask why I didn't reply. So it will all be a bit awkward and I don't want to pile up lie upon lie.

bangandthedirtisgon I don't know where you get the mind-reading skills to assess that I have no boundaries.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

"You can break it to her with more dignity, kindness and tact than he will."

I agree. Poor her, poor you.

You'll do your best to build her up and help her realise that in this instance it really isn't her and it really is him! They are both so young to be totally committed.

I wouldn’t tell her until after her GCSE results. She’s under enough pressure and she is a teenager. Right now she probably thinks he’s more important than anything else. Including her education.

Not mindreading, just forming a view of you based on how you're coming across on this thread.

Rousette - yes, it seems contradictory. I know him quite well when he's here but I know nothing about his home life or friends. I chatted with the mum twice on the phone about practical arrangements really - funnily enough she described how kind he is and how he tends to get his heart broken by girls. Seems weird thinking back.

DiamondsInTheMud yes, he was tagged but not in individual photographs, in the whole album which was shared to his page. There were nearly 80 photographs in it but the one of him was really near to the first few. I actually accept that it was probably unfair of me to look at them, none of my business, but knowing how much dd has put her faith in him, I guess I was looking for reassurance. But I didn't get it so more fool me!

Op, don’t listen to the twats saying that you’re ‘stalking’. You’re not doing it 24/7 and I’d do the exact same, regardless if a boy seemed nice or not. Him snogging a girl is not okay, mate or not. They also held long enough for a photo to be taken so it couldn’t have been accidental.

There’s going to be no good time to tell her something like this. My issue here would be she’d still be texting him etc Just seems so unfair on her.

bangandthedirtisgon what have I said that indicates that I have no boundaries? I'm genuinely interested because I think of myself as having strong boundaries in terms of right and wrong.