AIBU to be disgusted with dd's boyfriend - how do I handle this?

[HowTheHellDoIHandleThis]

I've name-changed as dd knows my username.

She's 16, he's 17.5 and they've been dating for about 6 months. He's been sexually active for a while; he is her first boyfriend and she is absolutely devoted to him.

They both use Instagram but dd has never used Facebook. He does and he doesn't put any security settings on his profile - dd and I looked him up, soon after they first met online (shared interest group chat). He had a few pics of him with previous girlfriends and stuff, nothing much.

Anyway, every now and then I glance at his page - I'm not being a stalker but I am concerned as dd is so smitten and really I know so little about him. He went to a party last weekend and a friend has uploaded a bunch of photographs of him with another girl! They are snogging, all over each other.

WHAT DO I DO?

I actually feel quite sick about it. Dd had severe anxiety earlier this year and was off school for 7 months in total; she was also self-harming. Having him in her life has made her so much happier and more confident but now I think he uses her.

For info, they live about an hour away from each other by train so have no mutual friends, other than those they've shared via Instagram. Dd would never be likely to meet or see any of the people at the party as he always comes here, she never goes there. Now I'm beginning to wonder why ... they discussed it as being because she is very anxious about travelling on her own so it was easier for him to come over. They only meet once a week.

Have I been a total mug in allowing him to be with my dd? I am honestly so stressed, my hands are shaking.

Hang on; how come she hasn't found the pics?

My Dneice is a similar age and her BF is 18. He regularly cheats and my neice turns a blind eye. There is so much on offer for young men and young ladies seem to except it.. it is like free love from the 60s.

And if she ever finds out you knew a few days before you told her, just say that her exams are more important than a cheating boyfriend.

AcrossthePond55 she does have a team at CAMHS and I emailed her counsellor an hour ago, who phoned me back. She recommended that I don't tell her until after the GCSE mocks because ruining those will add to depression further down the line. She sees her tomorrow actually.

Meanwhile the boyfriend has texted me about arrangements for him coming over on Saturday. Dh usually picks him up from the station. That's obviously not going to happen as dh is more likely to want to throw him under the train.

Dd called me to say she's nipping to H&M to buy the boyfriend a t-shirt that he wanted in the sale but had no money for. The horrible irony of it all. I told her that she shouldn't buy presents at random as she might get taken for granted. She replied, "xxx would never do that." This is going to hit her very hard.

ownitfixit she never goes on Facebook.

Tomatoesrock really? I would hate that to be dd's reality.

Aside from her mocks, if you tell her on Friday evening at least she has the weekend to have a good cry and stay at home. Also, you and your DH will be on hand to comfort her. Hopefully by the Monday she might be able to face school.

How awful. Honestly I'd tell her. I get that the mocks are now but I'd feel horribly betrayed if I knew you'd known for days and not said anything.

If you have seen the photos, chances are her friends have too.

You need to tell her asap.

Then be supportive with however she chooses to handle it.

Good luck.

Oh dear, what a difficult situation. I appreciate it is her mocks but I would tell her now, she still has time to pick herself up for the next set after xmas.

Someone else could have seen the pics and might tell your dd. News gets round so fast.

for your dd.

Aww I feel really sad for her. I would go with what the counsellor suggests. You're clearly a really loving and supportive mum so she will be ok. There's likely to be quite a few tears and anger at first, but she will get through this.

I would wait until after her mocks. I hope she is as ok as she can be under the circumstances.

Your poor dd, Hope all goes well when you tell her.

What an awful situation

I know I'm going against the grain here and going against the opinion of a trained counsellor but I really think that if you treat her like a child then she is going to react like a child.

She needs to come to her own conclusion that her exams I'm more important than some boy.

When she finds out that you knew about this but did not do anything for 2 days because you and all the other adults in her life for her thought mock exams were more important then telling her the truth I genuinely believe she is going to react worse.

You're already going to have to start lying to her and other people about this situation as you said her boyfriend is now asking for a lift this weekend. It was going to get out of control and instead of putting you in the position of confidante, it's going to make you appear to be just as culpable i.e shoot the messenger.

Honestly, I hope it all works out for you and her. It's a really rubbish and like no one wants to see their teen depressed. Best of luck.

What a horrid situation. I feel for your poor dd.

I agree with pp and would tell her now.

But she is a child.

Either way I think Op will be in the wrong & her daughter will take it badly so she surely might as well let her daughter have a good crack at her mocks?

I'm so sorry I can't reply individually to everything that's been said. I really appreciate all the advice.

I think I can't win whatever I do - tell her today and she'll be in pieces, probably up all night, do terribly in her mocks tomorrow and Thursday and then have that to worry about as well. OR I don't tell her until Thursday evening and run the risk of her feeling betrayed by me.

I feel the former is better because in the future she will see that I made a decision with her best interests at heart.

I'm not worried that someone she knows will see the photos and tell her as they have no mutual friends and if they do, then I don't need to say anything about me having seen them and I will just deal with that.

diddl yes, crossed posts.That is what I think too.

I would be tempted to message him too, tell him you have seen the photos on Facebook and was wondering if dd knew what he was up too, I would then try and encourage him to break up with her sad, if he refuses then it would tell her what you found

Good grief, NO. My DDs would've gone batshit crazy if I'd interfered like that.

I know what I would've done. I've had similar situations with boyfriends who messed my DDs around. I would be asking lots of leading questions just like you have done OP. Saying about buying the Tshirt etc.

All this over involvement in a teenager’s life is completely out of order,and hysterical.

Shaking with anger and stress? Regularly snooping on the boyfriend’s facebook,and it doesn’t matter how you dress it up, it’s snooping with no valid reason for having done so. If your mum was snooping on your partner’s Facebook account would you appreciate it? I don’t think so.

This is a child who has had seven months off school with anxiety, and you are making things worse for her not better. She’s sixteen. She needs to learn for herself that relationships come and go, that things happen which she might not have anticipated, that she needs to be able to confront situations and make decisions for herself about the future of her relationships.

I get that you want to be there for her, but she is old enough to have a sexual relationship, as such she is old enough to be able to make her own decisions about where her relationships go.

You have absolutely no idea what went on at this party. Yes it looks like snogging from the pictures, but you weren’t there, DD wasn’t there, if he gives her another version it’s up to her to decide whether or not to believe him, not you.

All this talk of giving her the weekend to get over the relationship,of giving the boy ultimatums etc etc is complete overkill.

There is no way of knowing that she will end the relationship. She might not. He might not have cheated. The fact that you say he’s had a sexual relationship before is irrelevant.

You need to take a massive step back and keep out of it entirely. However much you want to make her decisions for her you can’t. This isn’t your business, however much you want it to be.

And wanting to tell a young girl with serious MH issues the night before mock exams that she’s being cheated on by a boyfriend and you found out by betraying her trust and snooping on his social media because you felt the need to be overly interfeering into her life will do far more damage than good.

Stay out of it entirely. I wouldn’t tell her at all. Just be there for her if the relationship ends, which it might not.

And yes, I have a sixteen year old so I know what that’s like, but you have to let her forge her own path in life. They’re sixteen. Not adults with homes and families and marriages and so on.

The thing is, they seemed so genuinely loved up and he seemed such a nice boy.

She had another boy interested in her about a year ago now, from a social anxiety group she attended. And he was so creepy and controlling. I never left them alone together at all and dd made it very clear to me and him that he wasn't a boyfriend, he was just a friend. Eventually he got too insistent and so she cut off all contact with him.

So when she met this boy, she was very cautious. They were just messaging and talking for ages before either of them said they fancied each other. They met over here for the first time. I've chatted to his mum, he's eaten with us, we discussed going on holiday for a week together next spring when dd finishes school after GCSEs.

So it all feels extremely unreal that he's done this. I can't imagine how it will totally floor dd.

I do agree that if he convinces her it was nothing & they stay together then your looking at his FB will be a huge betrayal to her.

Perhaps saying nothing might be the way to go?

What's your relationship like with the school? I'd be wary of keeping it from her as I think she will be angry about that. Is there any trusted adults at school who can support her thru it and try and keep her spirits up as much as possible?

I couldn't not say anything to my daughter.

I think you have to leave it. I really do.

I remember one of my DDs hooking up with someone I just Did Not Trust. There was nothing I could do except be there for her.