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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be disgusted with dd's boyfriend - how do I handle this?

360 replies

HowTheHellDoIHandleThis · 06/11/2018 14:01

I've name-changed as dd knows my username.

She's 16, he's 17.5 and they've been dating for about 6 months. He's been sexually active for a while; he is her first boyfriend and she is absolutely devoted to him.

They both use Instagram but dd has never used Facebook. He does and he doesn't put any security settings on his profile - dd and I looked him up, soon after they first met online (shared interest group chat). He had a few pics of him with previous girlfriends and stuff, nothing much.

Anyway, every now and then I glance at his page - I'm not being a stalker but I am concerned as dd is so smitten and really I know so little about him. He went to a party last weekend and a friend has uploaded a bunch of photographs of him with another girl! They are snogging, all over each other.

WHAT DO I DO?

I actually feel quite sick about it. Dd had severe anxiety earlier this year and was off school for 7 months in total; she was also self-harming. Having him in her life has made her so much happier and more confident but now I think he uses her.

For info, they live about an hour away from each other by train so have no mutual friends, other than those they've shared via Instagram. Dd would never be likely to meet or see any of the people at the party as he always comes here, she never goes there. Now I'm beginning to wonder why ... they discussed it as being because she is very anxious about travelling on her own so it was easier for him to come over. They only meet once a week.

Have I been a total mug in allowing him to be with my dd? I am honestly so stressed, my hands are shaking.

OP posts:
DanglyBangly · 06/11/2018 15:56

I don’t think I would tell her, to be honest. I think I’d find it humiliating to have my mother involved in my love life like that, and she might be pissed off you were snooping. She might shoot the messenger.

She might give him another chance, or already know, or it might not be what it seems, and you’ll have ruined your relationship with him, and her. They will start hiding things from you.

Or he could turn out to be the shit that it looks like he is, in which case she’ll find out sooner or later. But it’ll happen on her terms. She’ll be upset but it’s part of being a teenager - having your heart broken a few times. You’ll be there to support her.

She never need know that you knew, if you never tell her.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/11/2018 16:01

I wouldn’t assume he will tell her. She isn’t on fb. I would wait and she if she talks to you. Perhaps quiz her lightly on her conversation with him. Then tell her after her mocks.

Roussette · 06/11/2018 16:12

I know it's going to seem like the end of the world to her but in the grand scheme of things, it means she has learnt something from this maybe.

HowTheHell I do mean this kindly but you should not be shaking with stress about this. Of course we want to protect our children all we can, but there will be many more life lessons like this in the future. I have 3 DCs (2 DDs and a DSS) all adult and I have held them at some point whilst they sobbed their hearts out about someone finishing with them and even having to choose to finish with a boyfriend or whatever.

Also... I agree with a PP... OK, you caught a snapshot of him, it looked like a snog, that isn't right, course it isn't, but it could be just a kiss? My DCs friends were a tactile lot, always hugging and kissing each other, but him having taken it down could mean more of course.

Personally, there is no way I would tell her until her exams are done with, why should that toerag affect how she does in an exam? If she suffers from stress, it could really make a difference.

loveyoutothemoon · 06/11/2018 16:12

Tell her tonight. She needs to be tested for STD's. You do it yourself in a toilet cubicle now, so she won't be too embarrassed.

Boreddotcom · 06/11/2018 16:13

Don't wait until after her mocks. With respect your husband's never been a 16 year old girl and isn't really aware of how intensely things feel at that age for a girl.

The longer you wait the more she is going to be looking forward to seeing him she's already bought herself a dress for the next encounter and is probably building it up in her mind, you need to cut it off.

Roussette · 06/11/2018 16:15

I really don't think it's up to Mum to cut it off. It's up to the daughters. Going in like a bull in a china shop will only make things worse.

Roussette · 06/11/2018 16:15

Daughter. Not daughters.

Mishappening · 06/11/2018 16:20

Difficult one - to some degree they need to get their fingers burned and make their own mistakes - we cannot totally protect them from unpleasant life experiences, which may in fact be useful things to learn for the future. Our instinct is of course to protect.

However we cannot get inside the mores of people of her age - maybe she might see a snog as OK? - who knows? May be she knew he had been at this party?

In balance I think you should show her. I remember my DDs as teenagers just putting a toe in the water of sexual relationships - it was very hard to step back sometimes.

Bluelady · 06/11/2018 16:23

If she's had seven months out of school, presumably she's been set back academically already. Why would you risk her screwing her mocks up for the sake of 48 hours? This is about her, put her first and tell her after her exams, her dad s absolutely right - does he not get a say in something so important?

1MillionSelfiesTakenByMyKids · 06/11/2018 16:27

And what if one of her frienfs saw ajd says something tomorrow morning right before the exam? There's no good time but there are worse times...
Better to find out ehilst she's at home in a safe place with a chance to recover a little before her exam

OrdinarySnowflake · 06/11/2018 16:28

If there are no mutual friends, and they aren't at the same schools, then no, don't tell her until after exams. Dial down the drama.

Put her first, her exams are more important than you being angry at her boyfriend.

Oneweekleft · 06/11/2018 16:29

I agree it makes sense to wait until after the mocks are over. It's only going to compound her stress levels if she messes up the mocks due to thinking about the boyfriend. She's not due to see him until the weekend right? When the mocks are over ? So no real risk of harm until then if they are only in touch over the phone. If she says why did you keep it from her just tell her the truth that you wanted her to be able to do her mocks without the stress.

DaffydownClock · 06/11/2018 16:32

I think I'd text him and say you've seen his photos and just when does he intend to tell your DD? Tell him he's got two hours to tell her.
If he doesn't say anything then I'd tell her later tonight.
I've had to support my DD after a horrendous breakup and it's heartbreaking.

Boreddotcom · 06/11/2018 16:35

@Roussette I meant cut off the narrative not the relationship.

She's still vulnerable and she's still the OP child who should tell her and provide some context about relationships.

I will question if she's not ready to hear this type of news before her mock exams then is she ready to be dating when these kind of consequences are a possibility.

Lovemusic33 · 06/11/2018 16:39

I would be tempted to message him too, tell him you have seen the photos on Facebook and was wondering if dd knew what he was up too, I would then try and encourage him to break up with her Sad, if he refuses then it would tell her what you found.

I know it’s not nice but you can’t protect her forever, we all get hurt at least once Sad

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 06/11/2018 16:49

surely better for her to know now, even if she's in the middle of mocks?

better now than later in the year, definitely.

and as for confronting the boyfriend? definitely not.
snooping is bad enough, but explainable, and somewhat justified.

directly interfering would absolutely damage any trust your daughter has in you.

MistyMinge · 06/11/2018 16:50

Her education will shape her future, whereas this boyfriend will eventually be replaced. Tell her after her mocks. Tell her tonight and she'll be in no fit state to go to school, let alone sit exams.

RednotWhite · 06/11/2018 16:51

it didn't seem a big deal really and his mum follows dd on Instagram

Why does his mum follow her on social media? I cant imagine following any of my dc girlfriends on social media and why would i want to?

Is this the norm nowadays?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 06/11/2018 16:51

It has to be your daughters descision. You will have to tell her and let her decide. Messaging him can only make things worse and you are going to be the one thatbears the brunt of her anger and hurt

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 06/11/2018 16:52

Tell her after her mocks. She’s going to be upset whatever happens.
Why risk her doing badly in her exams for her stbxb

LizzieSiddal · 06/11/2018 16:53

If she's had seven months out of school, presumably she's been set back academically already. Why would you risk her screwing her mocks up for the sake of 48 hours? This is about her, put her first and tell her after her exams,

RednotWhite · 06/11/2018 16:53

I also agree completely with Misty why on earth would you telling her in the middle of her mocks? I'm sure she'd like to know, and she will, but just not whilst she is still doing her mocks.Her education is far more important than this silly boy.

LizzieSiddal · 06/11/2018 16:53

Meant to add, I agree with the last post.

ownitfixit · 06/11/2018 16:54

Gosh.. she needs to know but it's so awful.

Storm4star · 06/11/2018 16:54

I would then try and encourage him to break up with her

No, no, no! That would be 100 times worse than just telling her the truth. Mum goes behind her back and gets her bf to break up with her? Sorry but that is a terrible suggestion.