Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to envy my friends stripped back life?

458 replies

lifeontheotherside · 05/11/2018 15:25

I am just back from visiting my friend over the weekend and was struck by how lovely her life is compared to mine. She lives in an excouncil house in a semi rural area, with beautiful woods and countryside on her doorstep, she doesn't have a job but works from home part time on a hobby that also provides her an income. Her husband has a professional job, earns a good wage and they live well below their means so they always have money for treats and luxuries like a couple of holidays a year, nice skincare, books etc without buying into a lifestyle they don't want. She has quite a stripped down social calander and only makes time for people and things she really likes.

She seems to have the time to bake cakes, cook from scratch daily, read, exercise, have quality time with her husband. She looks about 15 years younger than me and I am the same age! I live in the city and juggle fulltime work, a 5 year old, my relationship, my social life, parents etc all on the fumes of my empty tank. My rent is very expensive for a pokey flat and even though I live in the city I spend hours a day commuting to and from work!

When I get home I don't even want to think about food so my diet is crap and I have no time for the gym. I feel like I am missing my son growing up and the stress of everything I have to do means I often don't enjoy my life very much. I can feel a sense of satisfaction if I meet a deadline or if my son seems happy but its mostly short lived as there is always something else to cope with!

My husband and I don't spend a lot of time together. I tend to veg out infront of some crap telly while he is on his laptop. We both like to be social and put pressure on ourselves to always be out doing something and challenging ourselves but again we just end up dragging ourselves through things we are meant to enjoy rather than truly enjoying it.

For many years I felt my friend was living a very limited life but now I can see that she was trying to make a life that would satisfy her and be a life she could actively enjoy instead of running around always on the go, too busy to really experiance it.

When I look around at my friends and workmates it seems like most people are just always on the go, exhausted, using or food to cope, not having the time or energy to enjoy their loved ones and children or to just be. I envy my friend her ability to see all that at a young age and take her life in a different direction but I think i'd be too scared to follow suit. I know I depend on my job for my identity and self worth, I worry that if our lives slowed down my marriage would fail or that I wouldn't have the inner recources to make a life for myself outside the mainstream life script.

I thought i was succeeding but now at 40 I wonder if I really made any choices at all. Does anyone else feel like this?

OP posts:
frogsoup · 09/11/2018 11:15

"The odds are much higher that she’s not."

That's sadly probably true. But like I said, you can't have it both ways. If you want a creative industry (and it's one of the UK's biggest exports, so not a bad idea all in all, as well as all the ancillary benefits of,you know, nurturing cultural activities for the general good of society, and because the arts are what make life worth living), then you need to accept that most such endeavours won't turn much of a profit, and certainly not initially. Most music teachers make a pittance. If you want your kids to learn instruments, then accept that you either pay more or accept the teacher may need topups via the benefits system. Likewise, if you like beautiful handmade plates, accept that they'll cost more than if you buy them from IKEA. And that the person making them might be 'sponging' off their partner in order that the rest of us can still appreciate craft skill and the enrichment it can bring to all our lives.

Alternatively, reduce everything to a balance sheet and enjoy your life devoid of music, art, literature, theatre etc. Terrific.

RomanyRoots · 09/11/2018 11:33

Purposely working less so you can qualify for benefits isn't something I think anyone should be proud of. Benefits are there for those who can't provide for themselves, not for those who want to waft. It's the same as people who pass assets to their DC to avoid care home fees. Just no. It's fraud. Don't take from the poor.

Whilst it's available why shouldn't people take the benefit.
Then contentment is easy to achieve, Bingo.

frogsoup · 09/11/2018 11:47

I'm sure you'd have said jk Rowling was 'wafting'...

Want2bSupermum · 09/11/2018 13:12

Jk Rowling didn't purposefully go on benefits. From the time of the book being an idea to being published she lost her mother (who had been sick for years with MS) had a baby, lived through her marriage falling apart and lost her job. The benefits were there to help her in a time of need and since achieving financial freedom she has continued working, with a lot of philanthropic work as well as writing.

Her writing was never her sole source of income. She had a job with amnesty international.

RomanyRoots · 09/11/2018 13:18

Jk Rowling didn't purposefully go on benefits.

Where does the OP say her friend was on benefits? I missed that bit.

RomanyRoots · 09/11/2018 13:23

Longest

I don't have a lot of friends I can count them on one hand. They are there if I need them and likewise.
I don't meet up with them and they live all over the county, so just keep in touch occasionally.
I've never had colleagues to go out with and apart from the theatre, or dd concerts, I don't really go out much at all.
I haven't always been the same, and until having dc I'd rather be in a room full of strangers than on my own. Now, it's the reverse and I prefer my own company to socialising.

Jambob · 09/11/2018 14:24

Hi, I thinks its really good that you want a change in pace and there is nothing wrong with that. Slowing down doesn't equal boring and I think you have recognized that. What you can start to do is say no to doing something all the time (spend time with friends but maybe once a month instead of every week/weekend).

If you husband gets home maybe he can do something to help get the ball rolling with dinner prep or if he's rubbish at that sort of thing then look up quick to make healthy meals and aim to make them at least 3 times a week if that's achievable. When the little one is in bed you could do some quick exercise before before spending time with your husband. I use YouTube a lot and need to get back on it! Look up Blogilates turbo workouts (some workouts are only 3 minutes long but they are non stop so you feel toned afterwards). Set yourself a small number of goals and build from there. London has a number of wonderful parks. Going for a walk on a Sunday together as a family is a great way to spend time together and you will all feel better for having been outside even if it is just for an hour. I hope you get the life you want , you just need to breakaway from the rat race regardless of what others are doing around you. :-)

Want2bSupermum · 09/11/2018 18:50

romany I was responding to frog who said people would say JK Rowling was wafting when she was on benefits. JK Rowling has spoken about how hard that part of her life was and I think it's an insult to say that time of her life was spent wafting. Her life fell apart and benefits were there to help her at a tough point in her life. She did not purposefully choose a life of benefits. She used that time productively to write a book. Her Mh also improved by writing the book. Others in her situation getting a qualification or experience so they can earn enough to support themselves are also not wafting.

Other posters are saying they are better off earning less to qualify for benefits. IMO benefits are there to help those in need, people like JK Rowling, and shouldn't be used to prop up people who choose an easier life of hobbies.

longestlurkerever · 09/11/2018 18:58

I'm not sure anyone has said that though, unless you mean me? Child benefit and the free 30 hours are available to people earning less than £50ish and £100k respectively. It's not reserved for poor people. Until relatively recently child benefit wasn't means tested at all.

longestlurkerever · 09/11/2018 18:58

And self evidently is only available to people who are bringing up children, as well as working.

frogsoup · 09/11/2018 20:55

Clearly JK Rowling wasn't wafting! That wasn't my word. I was saying that it's very easy to define creative work as 'wafting', or sneer at it as 'macrameing toilet seat covers', as a number of people have done, and that it's not on to retrospectively say 'it's ok, she was being productive' just because she happened to write good books that made a lot of money. Writing a novel is pretty much the definition of 'wafting' as it's been defined on this thread - i.e. doing part-time creative work like the OPs friend. If someone posted on AIBU 'I'm claiming benefits and using the time to write a novel', they'd get absolutely slated. Likewise if I said 'oh yes, I spend my time painting landscapes', I'd get sneered at for my feckless, entitled wafting. Of course, I might be the next Howard Hodgkin and make squillions, in which case clearly it'd be fine by you, 'no no, landscape painting is definitely a productive use of time and great for mental health'. But the point is that you can't pick and choose. Lots of people need to work in creative pursuits and fail to make even half a decent living at it in order to get those big success stories.

frogsoup · 09/11/2018 20:57

And if you do one thing for most of your waking hours and try to make money out of it, the one thing it isn't is a hobby. That designation as used on this thread is just another way of putting down women trying to make a living out of a creative activity.

RomanyRoots · 09/11/2018 23:00

Want2b

I know what you are saying, but it isn't so black and white.
Some people never get that break, and spend their lifetime managing just about without it. They work just as hard, have as much talent and drive, but not the luck.
I used to think my dh was a wafter, until I spent a week in his world, I was bloody exhausted. This was many years ago now and he's still exactly the same.
I know a lot of people think there's nothing to it and you should do it as a hobby rather than trying to make money. Get a proper job were his mums words Sad she did relent and apologise.

speakout · 10/11/2018 07:37

Making money from a hobby is an interesting concept. I had a couple of thoughts.

Ideally we are working in an area that interests us- whether that is for an employer or not
I worked in a scientific field for many years, as a child I was fired up by scientific ideas, at secondary school I absorbed science information like a sponge and did a degree in that area. I went on to work in a science environment doing work I enjoyed.

I could argue that I was paid to do a " hobby".

I would have been rubbish as an actuary or a political analyst as I find these subjects dull, but others may thrive surrounded by these subjects.

The idea of making money from a hobby is not well understood,.

I " make money from a hobby", I work from home.

It may have started as a hobby , and it is an area that I enjoy, but a hobby suggests a very relaxed way of working- which my work is not.

The idea that we put the kettle on, flick though pinterest, get out some glue or wool, faff about a bit, make something pretty, put on some glitter job done.

The reality is quite different.
My product range contains about 80 items. Twenty or so are my biggest sellers.
I am constantly developing new products, trying new ideas, some don'e work, some do.

In a week I make and sell 300 items. This means - although hand made- batch production, at this point it is not a " hobby". Although the aesthetics is always pleasant there is a big degree of repetitive work, and everything has to be packed and posted, customer queries answered, a constant round of ordering materials online, trips to local suppliers and deliveries.
My hobby has led to my work.
My work is not my hobby. It is my work. My immediate neighbours think I either don't work, or see me wandering around the woods with a camera around my neck thinking I must be one of those "kept women"- no doubt!!

To denigrate that to the idea of " macrame toilet seat covers" is insulting and misogynistic.

Mothers often find it hard to gain a foothold and stay on track in employment. In my case a sickly child and no family support meant it was difficult for me to resume my career after having children.

Women who are savvy enough to find ways of working from home or find a part or full time income as self employed should be congratulated- not denigrated.

And to write these activities off because they may be creative in nature is ignorant.

Does anyone actually "need" perfume or eye liner or an apple watch?

And yet somehow people working for Marc Jacobs or Apple are deemed to have " proper" jobs- because why? Because they are working for "proper" male structured companies in the "real " world?

Please don't denigrate other women like this.
Women who try to do things for themselves should be supported , not denigrated and mocked.

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 10/11/2018 08:11

Very true speakout, and I say that as someone who isn't remotely creative. A macrame bog seat would be well beyond my capabilities! There've been some very disheartening assumptions in this thread. Living in such a sexist society really does a number on us in so many ways.

speakout · 10/11/2018 08:20

PawneeParksDept

Thank you.

And again the macrame bog seat- so what if someone makes and sells these?
Not my thing but not to be denigrated.

Sugarformyhoney · 10/11/2018 08:21

I left a better paid, stressful job for a term time only job with less pay. We live in a small, rented house but it’s beautiful and we don’t have a big income.. works for us all and I couldn’t be happier

frogsoup · 10/11/2018 08:43

Beautifully out speakout. I'm at an earlier stage in the process (not selling yet) but the idea that what I do is a hobby is so insulting. I get into my studio every morning whether I feel like it or not. I go back after the kids are in bed and often work until 1am. I probably average 45 hours a week even though I only have the time between school runs (9.30-2.30) to myself, the rest is evenings and weekends. I'm actively developing my skills and constantly pushing past my comfort zone. It's hugely rewarding but incredibly hard work, and it takes up a huge proportion of my brain space. I hope I can turn it into a paying career and am taking slow but steady steps towards that goal.

If it was a hobby, I'd have stuck at my two hour weekly evening class!!! I take really deep objection to the idea I'm fucking 'wafting'. It's total mysogyny. Yes I'm enabled by my husband working full time, but equally he's enabled by my doing 100% of the childcare and home tasks during the week. I'm trying to create a new career for myself that fits around those care responsibilities, because they aren't going away.

longestlurkerever · 10/11/2018 08:58

To be fair to pickle, I don't that she was saying that all creative jobs are wafting, but rather that any air of smug superiority from people who are wafting (ie not actually feeling any responsibility to make any kind of independent living) was misplaced. And there was an air of smug superiority coming through some of the posts.

VintageFur · 10/11/2018 09:01

speakout so true. Buy a t-shirt from gap = totally normal. Go on Etsy and buy a hand-printed t-shirt from a lady in cromarty = totally fucking weird with her pretend business. Hmm

frogsoup · 10/11/2018 09:09

I think it's more than that though longestlurker. The attitude for me is summed up in the term 'mumpreneur'. You don't get dadpreneurs. They have proper businesses.Hmm If for whatever reason (kids or otherwise) you can't do normal full time hours, then the reality is that any home business is going to have a hard time making you financially independent. But then the reason most people start them up is because they can't work normal, full time hours, so...

I get that the person in the op is doing this through choice rather than necessity, but then who gets to define 'necessity'? If it works for them, why sneer?

longestlurkerever · 10/11/2018 09:16

I wouldn't sneer. But if any of those people started to be smug about how their lives were superior to someone else's then i might get a bit eye rolly. Especially if they were pyramid businesses getting by on pressuring friends to "support local business" and so on. People doing their best to make the most of life within whatever constraints they have, no sneering from me.

LasMeninas · 10/11/2018 09:17

Well said, speakout!!

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 10/11/2018 09:22

TBF if it's a pyramid scheme or similar, it's likely going to be costing the family money, rather than making it. There's a discussion to be had about times when people earning smallish amounts are reliant on the family's other income and times when they manage to get expenses down low enough that the modest income covers it. But pretty much the only people earning enough to cover even bare bones bills from MLM are the ones who get in right at the start! And the majority lose money from it.

frogsoup · 10/11/2018 09:26

MLM is a very different kettle of fish, that's not a 'hobby business' by any stretch of the imagination! Or indeed any kind of business at all.

Swipe left for the next trending thread