to envy my friends stripped back life?

[lifeontheotherside]

I am just back from visiting my friend over the weekend and was struck by how lovely her life is compared to mine. She lives in an excouncil house in a semi rural area, with beautiful woods and countryside on her doorstep, she doesn't have a job but works from home part time on a hobby that also provides her an income. Her husband has a professional job, earns a good wage and they live well below their means so they always have money for treats and luxuries like a couple of holidays a year, nice skincare, books etc without buying into a lifestyle they don't want. She has quite a stripped down social calander and only makes time for people and things she really likes.

She seems to have the time to bake cakes, cook from scratch daily, read, exercise, have quality time with her husband. She looks about 15 years younger than me and I am the same age! I live in the city and juggle fulltime work, a 5 year old, my relationship, my social life, parents etc all on the fumes of my empty tank. My rent is very expensive for a pokey flat and even though I live in the city I spend hours a day commuting to and from work!

When I get home I don't even want to think about food so my diet is crap and I have no time for the gym. I feel like I am missing my son growing up and the stress of everything I have to do means I often don't enjoy my life very much. I can feel a sense of satisfaction if I meet a deadline or if my son seems happy but its mostly short lived as there is always something else to cope with!

My husband and I don't spend a lot of time together. I tend to veg out infront of some crap telly while he is on his laptop. We both like to be social and put pressure on ourselves to always be out doing something and challenging ourselves but again we just end up dragging ourselves through things we are meant to enjoy rather than truly enjoying it.

For many years I felt my friend was living a very limited life but now I can see that she was trying to make a life that would satisfy her and be a life she could actively enjoy instead of running around always on the go, too busy to really experiance it.

When I look around at my friends and workmates it seems like most people are just always on the go, exhausted, using or food to cope, not having the time or energy to enjoy their loved ones and children or to just be. I envy my friend her ability to see all that at a young age and take her life in a different direction but I think i'd be too scared to follow suit. I know I depend on my job for my identity and self worth, I worry that if our lives slowed down my marriage would fail or that I wouldn't have the inner recources to make a life for myself outside the mainstream life script.

I thought i was succeeding but now at 40 I wonder if I really made any choices at all. Does anyone else feel like this?

It all depends a lot on how it is presented. One person's 'stripped back life' could easily be seen by someone else as bored and isolated. Some of the things you mention are easily achievable, sending more time with your DH, switching off the telly and baking in the evening instead. Others will take longer to achieve, eg reduced hours, living in the country. But if you want what she has, there isn't anything stopping you, start planning now and it could be you in five years.

It’s about prioritising (and not working).

I put self care before my social life because I’m no good to anyone without it.

Forgot to say- I couldn’t not work. I would be bored within a month.

Some of this is choice, some of this is luck.

Housing costs are astronomical in lots of places, and council houses in very short supply. Many people couldn't afford to buy, ex-council or not. Renting keeps you quite poor as you have to have deposits/move out if the landlord says so. If you bought at a good time, had money to pay down the mortgage, you will be able to step back earlier than those who didn't/haven't done that.

She has a richer (not rich, just richer!) husband. Again, not something you can necessarily plan for!

I think she would find it hard to pay for all that without her husband's salary (paying off mortgage, higher standard of living).

I wouldn't get a council house if I just stopped working or went part-time with my hobby! I would go on a list for 5-10 years unless priority housed- and that's a cheap B and B round here.

I'm not saying this isn't all doable- clearly it is, but it's not just a question of deciding to downsize. You have to plan and to some extent depend on others/luck to have the opportunity at the right time to do so. You definitely could emulate some of her lifestyle though, in terms of looking at your career, doing more as a family etc.

I'm assuming that she doesn't have children as you didn't mention any in your post

If that's the case, having no children combined with a husband who earns enough to support her, then it's no surprise she has a nice life with plenty of time and money

Another assuming that she has no DC. DC really change everything and suck every bit of life from you.

I think it's all about attitude. You could easily live in your friend's situation and be miserable. If you can find a way to be content with what you have, whatever it is, then you're happy.
The simple pleasures of sky gazing, people watching etc are available wherever you are. You just need to bother appreciating them.

I've chosen this sort of lifestyle. My husband and I both work part time, we get by on very little money but we're happy - the family isn't constantly going off in different directions every day and coming home exhausted to eat and go to bed and not see each other. I couldn't live like that, it would be dreadful. As much as I would get shot down for this, money isn't everything. Big houses, new cars, careers, doesn't hold any status with me if you're not actually happy.

Her hobby job is something creative but don't want to be too identifying.

I do think kids are aging, I aged rapidly since having my son, always thought it would improve once he was older but I seem to have eye bags that are aren't shifting now!

I think myself and my husband still harbour dreams of hitting the "big time" whatever the hell that is and trying to make something happen when realistically we should be trying to make a good life for ourselves now rather than saying one day we'll make it and then we'll be happy.

Just because someone doesn't have children does not mean that they have an lovely stress free life without any real problems. Some of the posts on here are very belittling to childless people.

OP, I think you should start with making small changes to your life rather than wondering, helplessly, how on earth to create a totally different life.

It is surprising how quickly they can add up to a different and better life - not necessarily the same as your friend's life but closer to the life you want to lead.

I don't think you're comparing like with like when one is a parent and one childfree. Plus other peoples' lives are never as rosy as you think they are.

I think our society makes ppl who are not super ambitious feel like they are flawed. It's like if you're not busy 24/7 building your career and aspiring to get to the top, being 'productive' etc. then you're not a worthy person. Sometimes I wonder whether we're all just distracting ourselves from things we don't want to think about.

I was really ill for a few years and then got even more ill so decided to change my life. I went to the gym every day, cooked, cleaned, pottered to poundshops and was generally happy and healthy. So I decided I was ready to return to the rat race. Which I did. I'm now signed off sick, struggling financially as all my benefits obviously left and I'm up shit creek without a paddle. I wish I had never gone back. I was constantly rushing, constantly stressed, constantly drinking when I wasn't working and just basically ran myself into the ground. I'm now in the position though that I need to get a job again to afford even the most basic of necessities. I'm so stressed you wouldn't believe. If you can manage a slower pace of life, do it. I'm so god-damned tired.

I think her life is pretty good, she is very perceptive and started out in a very exciting, well paid career but was able to look beyond the success and money and see the depression, the heavy drinking, the marriage breakdowns and she said no thanks to it.

I still want that prestige even though I know deep down its not really worth much.

This is such an interesting subject. Your friend’s lifestyle is my absolute aspiration. It has to suit your personality and personal priorities though. Your choices might be absolutely right for you and your family and you may be bored senseless with a quieter life.

DH and I have made choices over the years which means we fall into a slightly “simpler” way of life than most of our family and friends, choices we’re often asked to justify. We have very clear short/ medium and long term goals for where we wish life to take us though and over the years the people in our lives who may not understand it at least accept our plans as right for us.

Treacletoots
What a lovely life you have now. You must have so much peace in your life,
We also moved out of town to a village,,,the village grew and I developed osteo arthritis so we moved again to another village with a bungalow.
There are no shops, apart from a gun shop. Hardly any buses but the train station is about 12 mins walk away,,,We are developing a veg patch, baking bread , making pasta,,,,Its so much less stressful,,Its all i need for my old age,,

Have you spoken to your husband about this? It seems like you have had a bit of a wake up call/food for thought about how you might tweak your own lifestyle but, since you sound like you are happily married, that would need to be a joint decision. Perhaps he’ll have some small practical suggestions that you haven’t thought of, even if a wholesale lifestyle change is off the cards.

My husband and I are seriously thinking about him going down to 4 days a week (I work 3) as we have managed to pay down quite a lot of mortgage and our toddler DS is now our main focus instead of travel/partying. My Dad died young (early fifties) having spent most of his life planning to slow down some day but never did, so I am very keenly aware that life is too short to be unhappy if you can avoid it. Feeling that you are missing out on your son growing up is a big one, you won’t get that time back.

That is a good description of my life, except I have a toddler. It's good, but it's not perfect - I clean up a lot of poop and there are times that I miss having spare cash for new clothes whenever I want them, or whatever. And our ex-council house is small and unpretty, though in a lovely rural spot. But the payoff is time at home with ds. It's a question of finding your own balance whatever that is, and having the motivation to go for it, even if that means walking away from the things we're meant to want, like lots of money or big important jobs.

But do remember, no life is perfect... not even your friend's

This is kind of the lifestyle I'm in the process of creating for myself (I'm mid-30s and don't plan to have kids), including planning the escape from London to a cheaper, quieter part of the country.

I'm forever having people tell me I'm going to miss out on things and many seem surprised I'm not more ambitious career-wise as I don't want to work 50 hour weeks and travel the world... And others ask if I'm sure I don't want kids. I do sometimes go through all the different "what if" scenarios in my mind - as we only live once, it does feel like one way or another we always miss out on something due to the choices we make and probably at times the grass looks greener...

I wouldn't automatically assume her life is stress-free though, you only see what she shows you after all.

Could you (both) take a bit of parental leave to recharge your batteries and spend time with your son, and use it to make a plan for some changes? Maybe ask work for a flexible working arrangement that allows you to work from home sometimes and cut out the commute?

This thread is interesting. My life is similar to yours OP, though I work part time, and I'm wondering if now is the time to cash in some of my early ambition and make life work for me. I don't see choices I've made to date as being the wrong ones though - just maybe not ones I want to be tied to forever. The barriers that I see are the DC though - if I parents back now I am turning down the opportunity to set them up financially. Also my friends and support networks are here in the city and my pared down life would mean cashing in the house and moving somewhere cheaper.

@lifeontheotherside

As random as this is, may I recommend reading Psychologies mag for little fixes to make your every day life feel less “wargh” and The Idler; a wonderful periodical that’s full of whimsy and is very anti-work work work.

These for me are my little escapes to the “other side” away from phones, email, commuting, endless emails and life’s demands.

I know lots of people who have kids and have a paired back life. I really think it’s a bit stupid to say you can’t do it with kids!
You can’t do it with kids if you’re desperate to send them to private school and ski holidays and buy them lots of toys.
But if you think you’re family get their love and enjoyment from going for walks or going to the allotment digging for vegetables then you don’t need a lot.

I also have friends who are so desperate to give their kids so much materially that they wouldn’t even know what a wood looks like

I also have a 5yr old and I swing wildly between 'I need to do something for ME' and planning a social life and then 'shit I'm too knackered for all this', and making no plans for a while.
Then being all 'I never get to do stuff' and making plans again etc etc...

I think it's just life isn't it? I am not addicted to 'busy' and I do want to do a bit more, but young children do take a lot of your emotional energy.

I am literally the same as the friend of the OP.

I am in my early 50's, I live in a little 2 bed cottage in the sticks, mortgage free, 5 minutes walk from miles of woodland, 10 minutes walk from the river, and I retired at 50. I had a busy, hectic, professional job for 30 years that was OK for the first 20 years but too much for the last 10.

I have 2 kids (both grown and left home now,) and worked through having them, and through the deaths of both parents, (and caring for them when they were ailing and frail.)

I had the opportunity to retire early and I did. At 50. I now have no kids at home, no parents to care for, and no job to go to. After 3 decades of work, career, stress, juggling, caring for kids, caring for older family members (me and DH cared for his parents too for several years til they died 10 years ago,) I am now free..... free as a bird! No job to go to, no mortgage, and no responsibilities.

I have never been happier. I am still in good health, and I spend my days doing jigsaws and crossword puzzles, reading, working on the novel I have been meaning to write for 20 years, cycling, swimming, walking round the woodlands and river bank, meeting adult DC for lunch once a week, meeting close friends for lunch, joining in with the odd village event, and bingeing on netflix programmes, whilst knocking back a couple of glasses of wine.

I know some women my age (or within 3 years of it,) who work, some in jobs they hate, but all in jobs that are hectic, and they really genuinely envy me. Some flat out admit it, and some don't admit it, but make spiteful, catty remarks about how they 'can't understand how I can just not work. and surely I must get bored!

I never ever get bored, and can quite easily 'not work' thanks. I've paid my dues and earned my stripes. It's my time now. DH is retiring in 2 years. (At 55.) Then we will go on a world cruise. The one woman I know is so bitter and jealous, that she will probably have a meltdown when I tell her we're going on a world cruise.

But yep, you could not pay me enough now to return to work. And I genuinely feel sorry for people who still have many years of it left.

Oh, and I had 2 kids (in my mid 20's) and it didn't age me. I don't look any older than my age. In fact, on a good day, I look 5-7 years younger. Maybe it's because I was quite young-ish when I had them. I know a woman who had no kids and is 3 years younger than me, and she looks older than me. So it doesn't always follow that kids age you.

I have to say my life IS stress-free and has been for several years. (Since I finished work!)

It could change again in the future at some time, but right now, life is amazing.