to envy my friends stripped back life?

[lifeontheotherside]

I am just back from visiting my friend over the weekend and was struck by how lovely her life is compared to mine. She lives in an excouncil house in a semi rural area, with beautiful woods and countryside on her doorstep, she doesn't have a job but works from home part time on a hobby that also provides her an income. Her husband has a professional job, earns a good wage and they live well below their means so they always have money for treats and luxuries like a couple of holidays a year, nice skincare, books etc without buying into a lifestyle they don't want. She has quite a stripped down social calander and only makes time for people and things she really likes.

She seems to have the time to bake cakes, cook from scratch daily, read, exercise, have quality time with her husband. She looks about 15 years younger than me and I am the same age! I live in the city and juggle fulltime work, a 5 year old, my relationship, my social life, parents etc all on the fumes of my empty tank. My rent is very expensive for a pokey flat and even though I live in the city I spend hours a day commuting to and from work!

When I get home I don't even want to think about food so my diet is crap and I have no time for the gym. I feel like I am missing my son growing up and the stress of everything I have to do means I often don't enjoy my life very much. I can feel a sense of satisfaction if I meet a deadline or if my son seems happy but its mostly short lived as there is always something else to cope with!

My husband and I don't spend a lot of time together. I tend to veg out infront of some crap telly while he is on his laptop. We both like to be social and put pressure on ourselves to always be out doing something and challenging ourselves but again we just end up dragging ourselves through things we are meant to enjoy rather than truly enjoying it.

For many years I felt my friend was living a very limited life but now I can see that she was trying to make a life that would satisfy her and be a life she could actively enjoy instead of running around always on the go, too busy to really experiance it.

When I look around at my friends and workmates it seems like most people are just always on the go, exhausted, using or food to cope, not having the time or energy to enjoy their loved ones and children or to just be. I envy my friend her ability to see all that at a young age and take her life in a different direction but I think i'd be too scared to follow suit. I know I depend on my job for my identity and self worth, I worry that if our lives slowed down my marriage would fail or that I wouldn't have the inner recources to make a life for myself outside the mainstream life script.

I thought i was succeeding but now at 40 I wonder if I really made any choices at all. Does anyone else feel like this?

Formerbabe I've worked part time with DH in his business since my youngest was in preschool. No one takes the piss in our house. But two full time jobs would be too much for our family to run as smoothly as we like it to.

The lady in the OP earns money though (presumably she is an artist of some kind). If it works for them, and they are both happy with each other's contribution, I don't see a problem with it.

tinkly so you're not living off your husband, you work, so it's not the same at all.

I personally would not be happy with my husband staying at home while I work. I would feel that he was taking advantage of me. It seems like he is the breadwinner and she just earns some pocket money. I mean. Fuck that, seriously. It's such a lazy, entitled, spongy way to live and I'd honestly be embarrassed to admit that was my life.

@TinklyLittleLaugh

Formerbabe I've worked part time with DH in his business since my youngest was in preschool. No one takes the piss in our house. But two full time jobs would be too much for our family to run as smoothly as we like it to.

No, you misunderstood my post.

I was saying a woman without children who doesn't work when her husband does is taking the piss.

Clearly I don't think sahm or women with children working part time are taking the mickey. I am a sahm!

There's a lot of judgement in this thread.

Gosh, just told dh I'm a lazy sponger and should be ashamed of myself.
He laughed.
He believes my contribution has really boosted our finances, and it's not about earning all the time, moreover what you spend.
Working for an employer can cost you to work, it isn't free.
Having children and working is also expensive if you need childcare.
He thinks people are very stupid to pay to work, and appreciates I was the one caring for the kids whilst he worked.

Hisaishi

I'm not working outside the home now either, because when my 14 year old dd is at home during her long school holidays , I want to be here for her. We have 4 years before she is off to study I'm not wasting those by working for somebody else in your words "Fuck that"

@RomanyRoots

You have children. Myself and other posters were talking about women who don't have children but stay at home rather than working.

romany sigh, again, not what we're talking about.

The person the OP is talking about doesn't have DC. She wafts about all day taking care of her Mh etc.

The Op has a 5 year old child. There is no wafting or spending the day finding yourself. I have a 5 year old. I spend my day running around after him or paying someone to do it while I work. You can't compare the two lives. You just aren't going to be able to have anything like the life she has until your DC are finished with their education. That's at least another 15 years for the OP.

A SAHP is working. They are working in the home and the pay is indirect. A OPs friend is working very minimally while her OH works FT making good money. Glad it works out for them. Happy it's not me.

I'm like your friend. I work part-time so have a good work life-balance My sole mission in life is to slow down and enjoy it, and we are looking for a place in the countryside where we can live in even more peace and quiet.

My husband doesn't work at all so we don;t have loads of money but it's enough and we do have a lovely house with everything we need. He does a lot of the housework so I'm not frazzled when I come in.

We are mostly vegetarian so just cook meals from the organic box delivery we get and don't eat any ready made crap.

I don't understand why when in the 21st century we have all the conveniences we could possibly need, we all working so hard and killing ourselves with stress?

My advice is to get your priorities in order before it's too late. Life is short. Don't spend it working for money to buy shit you don't need.

The more you strip back your life the better it is.

@Want2bSupermum That's not true.. we have a very lovely paired back life on a single income. (£17k in case you're wondering)

I work around 8-10 x 12-hour days per month and the rest of the time I'm off 'wafting about', mainly in the garden.

I'm not 'running about' after my DD7 but do I have plenty of time to hang out with her. I have time for myself and time for my husband too. We have everything we need, we eat good food, the house is tidy.

I see it as getting my priorities in the right order. It seems to me that people are working hard to make money to fund lifestyles that involve excessive consumption. I don't need a bigger house, better car, more clothes or to upgrade anything basically! I have what I need and so I choose to have less money but much more time. To make such a choice is possible for people with kids, in face it's actually easier.

In my old life we both worked long hours, we're frazzled, spent little quality time with dd. It was shit.

Yes, I understand that the OP friend doesn't have children, but she is working.
She isn't sponging of anyone. If we all have to work ft and the same salary as are partners not to be scroungers, then there are a lot of scroungers about then.
The OP clearly states her friend can afford to pay her bills herself.

leapfrog

Yours sound like my family. Some people don't understand how we can live on so little.
I can't compare working with dc to not working with dc as haven't done the former.
However, I do agree with your philosophy as we have thought the same from when I first became pg. There was never a thought of me continuing work, the kids became my priority. They have had everything they needed and a few wants too. We have never had new cars, moved to nicer area, several takeaways a week, hardly ever buy a coffee when out. It's surprising how well you can live on very little if you want to.
I like adding up how much I save per month bargain hunting, rather than once a week spending more in a supermarket.
Not working allows me to do this, living close to town means I can cover most shops and be home within the hour

There is often an interesting angle to this sort of debate that comes from a kind of protestant work ethic that people should be working productively either inside or outside of the home. I agree there's a potential equality issue but I work part time and have organised my life so this is affordable. Assuming this remains affordable I have absolutely no intention of increasing my hours ever again, unless it was for a short term project to finance a proper break, and I would encourage DH to take the same approach. He already works part time but more hours than me (his choice). Our earnings are pretty equal.

Is making money from a hobby the new "pin" money? It actually sounds as if she's got a good and lucrative business going rather than just a hobby. It is a bit patronising to suggest that she is dependent on her husband. Surely they just have a really good partnership that works for them?

I know this is only possible because I earn fairly well but it does surprise me how few people opt for the two part time earner model though. Aside from anything else it's more tax efficient- I am entitled to the free 30 hours and child benefit and we both pay lower rate tax. It also means I feel naff all guilt about how I spend my time out of the office.

There's a lot of judgement in this thread.

I hardly post on here but I do laugh to myself how opinionated and judgmental some people are. I'm studying again whilst working part time and plan to work full time for the next 20 years but I have been a SAHM too.

People need different amounts of money to be happy. If you want to be Tom/Barbara or Margo/Jeremy (The Good Life - showing my age) it's absolutely fine.

Oh come on, there is hardly any 'mental load' for a healthy adult-only household as compared to one with children in it.

Just off the top,of my head...

Elderly parents
House needing work done
Garden needing work done
Housework
Bills to pay
Work
Pets
Ill health
Family (shock horror we do have family)
Loneliness
Depression
Trying to find time to have a social life to try and ease the loneliness
Trying the hell that is internet dating to try and ease the loneliness

leapfrog I guess my experience of parenting is very different to others because I have 3DC, two of whom have autism. They are hard work. For me working is a break and it's been very good for my MH to continue working on my career.

I will say my DS is very different to my DD. DS, while he does have a sensory issue, is very much the stereotype. He needs to be running about outside. I take him out to the woods and let him run wild. We go exploring, following nature trails, walk the dog, work in the garden. DD wants to be inside sipping on a hot chocolate working on an art project or practicing her yoga or ballet (she doesn't have classes in either but gives herself lessons!).

We have 3DC and our home is always busy while the DC are awake. It's not relaxing for me. As soon as they go down at 7pm I have my oils burning and I dim the lights. The silence is golden.

romany When you have DC it's expensive to live in a less desirable area. We moved to a better area that is much higher priced than where we used to live. Ironically we spend less now than we did in the poorer area. There are so many more things going on for the DC right on our doorstep. The schools are also much better in terms of diversity and range of subjects offered. My commute is also shorter meaning less stress and more time with the family.

Elderly parents
House needing work done
Garden needing work done
Housework
Bills to pay
Work
Pets
Ill health
Family (shock horror we do have family)
Loneliness
Depression
Trying to find time to have a social life to try and ease the loneliness
Trying the hell that is internet dating to try and ease the loneliness

I have several of these issues too as do most parents but I can still tell you that my DC take up 90% of my brain space and time.

Not to mention, nearly everything on that list you could walk away from if you had to. Having dependent children is a unique responsibility in that it is virtually impossible to walk away from.

Not to mention, nearly everything on that list you could walk away from if you had to*

I'll tell my elderly father and my terminally ill mother in law that I'm just going to walk away from them then, shall I?

Or my business which provides work for 5 people?

Or shall I just abandon my dogs and leave my house and go and live on the streets?

Luckybird07 “There is an entire community of people who have been smart enough to work out that if you just buy what you need and live frugally you can retire in your 30s... I envy your friend because she has pulled off the freedom from the bondage of work”

Come out of fantasy land

I’m glad we don’t live in communist state so individuals have the freedom to choose to become workless at 30, 40 or even 50. But there’s nothing admirable about people who do that, just like there’s nothing particularly admirable about people who win £10k on a scratch card.

People who do this either

1. have married, inherited or been born into wealth (earned by other people)
2. by lucky circumstance live off vanishingly rare gold plated DB pension schemes, funded by people who DO work
3. live off benefits paid for by people who DO work or
4. live off rental income (paid by people who DO work) from other properties they own, often inherited or bought with inherited money

I know some people who made serious money in their 20s, 30s and early 40s - some entrepreneurs, some in finance. A couple are now doing more philanthropic work, but not ONE has chosen to be retire and be workless.

And thank God for that, because without the taxes they and other workers pay, who the hell would fund children to be educated, roads to be mended, the NHS to be run, farms to be subsidised, coastline to be protected, flood damage to be reinsured and all the other basic things that make these workless people’s quality of life worth living?

I am not talking about SAHPs doing childcare. I am not talking about people who’ve worked for fifty years and deserve a relaxing retirement. I’m not saying that rampant consumerism is a good thing - we could all do with less plastic tat and nobody needs a new car every year.

What I am saying is that if I chose to become workless or almost workless I would not be boasting about it or virtue signalling on MN. I certainly wouldn’t be denigrating the lives of people who work full time and enable me to enjoy my idle lifestyle “free from the bondage of work”.

I think I would keep a bloody low profile and if I said anything, it would be apologetic.

Not to mention, nearly everything on that list you could walk away from if you had to.

Is this a joke? You walk away from sick family? You can walk away from depression and loneliness? How do you walk away from bills and work? I’d also love to know how you can avoid doing your housework.

I'll tell my elderly father and my terminally ill mother in law that I'm just going to walk away from them then, shall I?

Or my business which provides work for 5 people?

Or shall I just abandon my dogs

No of course you wouldn't but in all these situations, there exist ways to either walk away or par back your responsibilities without your life being destroyed forever.