to envy my friends stripped back life?

[lifeontheotherside]

I am just back from visiting my friend over the weekend and was struck by how lovely her life is compared to mine. She lives in an excouncil house in a semi rural area, with beautiful woods and countryside on her doorstep, she doesn't have a job but works from home part time on a hobby that also provides her an income. Her husband has a professional job, earns a good wage and they live well below their means so they always have money for treats and luxuries like a couple of holidays a year, nice skincare, books etc without buying into a lifestyle they don't want. She has quite a stripped down social calander and only makes time for people and things she really likes.

She seems to have the time to bake cakes, cook from scratch daily, read, exercise, have quality time with her husband. She looks about 15 years younger than me and I am the same age! I live in the city and juggle fulltime work, a 5 year old, my relationship, my social life, parents etc all on the fumes of my empty tank. My rent is very expensive for a pokey flat and even though I live in the city I spend hours a day commuting to and from work!

When I get home I don't even want to think about food so my diet is crap and I have no time for the gym. I feel like I am missing my son growing up and the stress of everything I have to do means I often don't enjoy my life very much. I can feel a sense of satisfaction if I meet a deadline or if my son seems happy but its mostly short lived as there is always something else to cope with!

My husband and I don't spend a lot of time together. I tend to veg out infront of some crap telly while he is on his laptop. We both like to be social and put pressure on ourselves to always be out doing something and challenging ourselves but again we just end up dragging ourselves through things we are meant to enjoy rather than truly enjoying it.

For many years I felt my friend was living a very limited life but now I can see that she was trying to make a life that would satisfy her and be a life she could actively enjoy instead of running around always on the go, too busy to really experiance it.

When I look around at my friends and workmates it seems like most people are just always on the go, exhausted, using or food to cope, not having the time or energy to enjoy their loved ones and children or to just be. I envy my friend her ability to see all that at a young age and take her life in a different direction but I think i'd be too scared to follow suit. I know I depend on my job for my identity and self worth, I worry that if our lives slowed down my marriage would fail or that I wouldn't have the inner recources to make a life for myself outside the mainstream life script.

I thought i was succeeding but now at 40 I wonder if I really made any choices at all. Does anyone else feel like this?

Plenty of people who reduce their lifestyle so that they can work less, manage without benefits. I don’t get why some people on this thread are so angry about other people working less.

Many people work hard and struggle through life. Nothing virtuous about that. If you can play with your circumstances to ease your situation (relocate to cheaper area, cut back unnecessary spending or jig working hours to reduce childcare costs) then why not? We have done so, and it’s not at the expense of each other or state benefits.

I don't know if you were talking about me when you said working less to qualify for benefits but I take objection if you were. It'd not me that sets the qualifying criteria for 30 hours and child benefit. I work fewer hours because I like to spend time with the children and progress my career. DH does too so we share things pretty equally. This is a good model for us, and because we both work enough hours we qualify for such things, whereas we wouldn't if one of us worked full time and the other didn't so doing it that way, as more people do, strikes me as quite tax ineffecient as well as potentially unfair. Perhaps such things should be calculated on household income or earnings should be calculated pro rata to the number of hours, but the fact is they're not and there's presumably some public policy reason why.

Except the OPs friend does work. It was the OP who described it as a hobby type job and that has been jumped on as her wafting around and living off her husband, when in actual fact she probably has built a nice, lucrative business for herself.
I have my own business and frequently get comments like that, because all they see is the nice shed in the garden with underfloor heating and scented candles that I use for sports massage. My reality involves cold sports grounds and long hours (and rugby players so not all bad)

Yeah, people seem very attracted to the idea that it's all based around the husband's earnings. To the point that it keeps being said, even after it's been pointed out half a dozen times that the friend earns enough to pay the bills herself.

People get very attached to their stereotypes though, hence all the stuff about businesses run by other women that make no money. Fuck knows why it's so inherently implausible that a creative part time job could pay what might well be a pretty low set of bills, if they live in an ex-council place and they're old enough to have bought before prizes went apeshit. Their basic expenses might easily be in the three figures a month.

Yeah, there's a lot of judgement on this thread, just look at the language used, "wafting about", plus the insistence that OP's friend is living off her husband, just because she works PT from home and has a good work/life balance. Despite protests to the contrary, it does smack of jealousy. "The lady doth protest too much" comes to mind.

motoko no jealousy here, I don't need to work but I find it quite alarming that so many women rely on their husbands for money.

That is not an example I want to set for my daughter.

OP, I feel the same as you. I've started following sites like Nourishing Minimalism and The Minimalists on the Book of Face and that is helping me to make some small changes. The book 'How To Break Up With Your Phone' is starting to help life feel more 'stripped back' too.
Maybe we should start a thread on here for people who want things to feel a bit simpler and less frenetic. Share tips and stuff

^ great idea @OrdinaryGirl

Bold fail, whoops.

Her life does sound lovely

I'm 55 and stepped off the treadmill years ago now. Part-time self-employed, also do 2 days a week as a Library Officer. Stress-free. DP also self-employed but earns a lot more than me as longer hours. He paces his time so we can go for a walk on a nice day, or chill out generally. We have an allotment (20 years ago no way would I have been interested in that), still have holidays via searching out bargains.

I'm not materialistic. It doesn't bother me not having a house full of stuff, latest gadgets, etc. I like nice things, just don't need loads of nice things. No going overboard for Christmas, it's nice family time together house doesn't need to be heaving with food and presents.

We have a good social life together and go out and about. & I still catch up with my girlfriends every couple of months. Leisure time is important

I simply don't want to live a rushed life, be busy every day. I did all that in my 20s and 30s, raising children, full time job with heavy caseload and deadlines.

Learning to say no politely, knowing when enough is enough, is therapeutic.

Having said that we all thrive differently and one size doesn't fit all.

I met up with a friend last week to celebrate her getting a new job paying up to 54K. I still thought wow, I could do with that money...! I wouldn't want the stress that her job entails though (social services) but good on her.

I hope there are bits of your life that you do like OP, and that you'll find a way to focus and enjoy those aspects more.

Which is fine hisaishi, but this particular woman doesn't.

grab from the way the OP was worded, it sounded to me that she very much does.

The OP didn't say either way, but even so, since then it's been clarified that she earns enough to pay the bills herself and if they lost her DH income there'd be fewer treats. That's not relying on a husband for money.

"Once again, if we all earned £12k a year macrame-ing loo seat covers or whatever our favourite “hobby work” is for a few hours a week there would be NO TAX RECEIPTS, NO PUBLIC SERVICES, AND NO CUSTOMERS TO BUY THIS TAT"

So by this logic, I take it that you think the UK should have no creative industries at all. No children's stories, no art galleries, no handmade furniture, no novels, no theatre, no concerts, no pop music. You think each and every item in your house should be factory made, right?

Because pretty much all of the people doing those things will have experience of being sneered at by the likes of you for 'macrame-ing loo seat covers' and having their nice 'hobby work'. It's philistinism at its worst - the epitome of knowing the price of everything but the value of nothing. I'm glad we don't live in your kind of society.

frogsoup

Well said.

I am self employed- working part time from home making craft items.

I regularly meet this attitude.

Because arts and crafts is so unnecessary isn't it, unlike people working in the mobile phone industry, or the cosmetics industry, or working in fashion, hospitality, holiday industrry, cosmetics.......

All these work functions are so much needed aren't they.

People also seem to forget I think that you can't pick and choose only the successful stuff. If you want Harry Potter and multimillions of pounds in tax receipts from that, then you also need to accept not only jk Rowling sitting writing in cafes while on benefits, but all the other aspiring novelists doing the same and writing books that won't become best sellers. Ideally we'd do without macrame loo covers (though i can't get past the breathtaking sneering nastiness of this description). But every artist and craftsperson and musician and illustrator starts by creating crap. It's a necessary step to becoming good.

frogsoup

Again- absolutely.

'macrame-ing loo seat covers', living off benefits or men to support a 'hobby' is what a lot of people seem to think of women not in a 9-5.

IDGAF - I worked hard for years, raised my DCs, started a business eventually, paid taxes never and still don't claim benefits. I knew that in my 50s I wouldn't to be on the career and commuting treadmill so I slowly and gradually aimed towards a life I'd be happier with.

If I were to split with DP I could manage without him by doing an extra day or so work. That's it.

OP has GUESSED what her friend’s earnings might be, based on her friend’s piece rates for items she produces. It’s not known whether or not she is actually financially independent. The odds are much higher that she’s not.

but I find it quite alarming that so many women rely on their husbands for money.

Which OP has pointed out several times is not the case with her friend.

frogsoup exactly. So much shortsightedness, snobbery, and judgement on this thread.

I worked hard for years, raised my DCs, started a business eventually, paid taxes never and still don't claim benefits. I knew that in my 50s I wouldn't to be on the career and commuting treadmill so I slowly and gradually aimed towards a life I'd be happier with.

I could have written this.

My small craft business ( and yes it is macrame toilet seat covers ) makes me a good profit, I pay taxes, I employ other people to do work for me on a contract basis, I will soon need a permanent member of staff.

OP has speculated that it is not the case with her friend: she doesn’t know.

Where does OP say she's guessing based on piece rates? Has she name changed? I thought I had all OP posts highlighted but I don't see that one.

The odds are much higher that she’s not.

This is in itself a guess...

Why is there such vitriol against a woman who hasn't even posted on here?

We have no idea how much this woman earns, OP sounds like she is a high earner so this friends part time 'hobby job' may bring in about £20k and OP would not think it was much if she earned £100k. We have no firm facts here of anything as OP has not provide enough information.

This thread started out interesting. I didn't pick up on any smugness.
It was thought provoking and posters were openly sharing their own set ups and experiences.

But sadly, it has taken a sneery, almost nasty turn. Such unnecessary judgement and assumption.

I would really really like to know what OP's friend's earning hobby JOB is though!

I think the social life aspects is the much more interesting question on this thread. Work is work and we have to balance any number of things when it comes to choosing a career, but the OP also thought her friend was missing out socially by prioritising time in and with a smaller circle of people and now admires it. This is something we could all do if we chose. Would it make us happier? I'm not convinced it would personally but I am prepared to consider the possibility it would