to envy my friends stripped back life?

[lifeontheotherside]

I am just back from visiting my friend over the weekend and was struck by how lovely her life is compared to mine. She lives in an excouncil house in a semi rural area, with beautiful woods and countryside on her doorstep, she doesn't have a job but works from home part time on a hobby that also provides her an income. Her husband has a professional job, earns a good wage and they live well below their means so they always have money for treats and luxuries like a couple of holidays a year, nice skincare, books etc without buying into a lifestyle they don't want. She has quite a stripped down social calander and only makes time for people and things she really likes.

She seems to have the time to bake cakes, cook from scratch daily, read, exercise, have quality time with her husband. She looks about 15 years younger than me and I am the same age! I live in the city and juggle fulltime work, a 5 year old, my relationship, my social life, parents etc all on the fumes of my empty tank. My rent is very expensive for a pokey flat and even though I live in the city I spend hours a day commuting to and from work!

When I get home I don't even want to think about food so my diet is crap and I have no time for the gym. I feel like I am missing my son growing up and the stress of everything I have to do means I often don't enjoy my life very much. I can feel a sense of satisfaction if I meet a deadline or if my son seems happy but its mostly short lived as there is always something else to cope with!

My husband and I don't spend a lot of time together. I tend to veg out infront of some crap telly while he is on his laptop. We both like to be social and put pressure on ourselves to always be out doing something and challenging ourselves but again we just end up dragging ourselves through things we are meant to enjoy rather than truly enjoying it.

For many years I felt my friend was living a very limited life but now I can see that she was trying to make a life that would satisfy her and be a life she could actively enjoy instead of running around always on the go, too busy to really experiance it.

When I look around at my friends and workmates it seems like most people are just always on the go, exhausted, using or food to cope, not having the time or energy to enjoy their loved ones and children or to just be. I envy my friend her ability to see all that at a young age and take her life in a different direction but I think i'd be too scared to follow suit. I know I depend on my job for my identity and self worth, I worry that if our lives slowed down my marriage would fail or that I wouldn't have the inner recources to make a life for myself outside the mainstream life script.

I thought i was succeeding but now at 40 I wonder if I really made any choices at all. Does anyone else feel like this?

You’re seriously telling leigh she can either walk away from or reduce her responsibility towards her terminally ill mother? Ffs. Give your head a wobble.

Is this a joke? You walk away from sick family?

You probably wouldn't but you could cut back on your responsibilities towards them in a way you can't with children.

You can walk away from depression and loneliness?

No you can't, but you wouldn't have to face any concern about how it could be affecting your children.

How do you walk away from bills and work?

Again, you can't but if you did, you'd only be hurting yourself. If you have children the sense of responsibility towards them is an added worry.

You also have freedom to work when and where you want.

I’d also love to know how you can avoid doing your housework

You can't but if you did, you'd only be hurting yourself whereas if you don't keep your home hygienic or the laundry done and you have children, it adversely affects them.

Not to mention, kids create huge amounts of extra housework.

You also have freedom to work when and where you want.

Utter bullocks.

No of course you wouldn't but in all these situations, there exist ways to either walk away or par back your responsibilities without your life being destroyed forever

Then why suggest that I could?

I didn't mention paring back my life. I was responding to you goady comment about joe people like me have no mental load or stress. Those are just a few of my responsibilities as a middle aged adult. Childless people do not suddenly lose all responsibility for normal life just because we have been unable to reproduce ( or in some cases don't feel the need to reproduce). We are still functioning members of this society on whom people rely. Why is that so hard to understand?

And fyi my life has already been destroyed by my infertility and then by my husband's suicide because of infertility and this society's judgement of him as somehow defective because we couldn't have children

You probably wouldn't but you could cut back on your responsibilities towards them

No, you fucking can't. Not if you are a decent human being who gives a shit about the woman who raised your beloved late husband single handedly in abject poverty for many years. And she isn't just sick. She is dying. She has possibly a year left if we are very lucky and the chemo works. What do you suggest I do? Throw her in a care home?

Leighhalfpennysthigh

I'm sorry to hear about what you've gone through. I wasn't suggesting you were immune to responsibilities, stress or worry...I was discussing in relation to the op, that children restrict your life like nothing else.

Fwiw, both my parents are dead, but I know if they were alive, I wouldn't have abandoned them but I could have walked away from them if I really had to in a way I could never with my children.

Former you're not coming across well with your comments.
I have children but know lots of childless couples/single people who are in that situation because of infertility problems or choice. I've watched all of them go through the mill at points in their lives and I would never say that their experience in life is easier than mine.

Fwiw, both my parents are dead, but I know if they were alive, I wouldn't have abandoned them but I could have walked away from them if I really had to in a way I could never with my children.

And no parents ever walk away from their children!?

I know where you are coming from formerbabe

When my Dad was dying I spent 3 months caring for him. my parents lived miles away and no way could I have done it if dh wasn't able to scale back and look after the kids.
Yes you can give up work, study, other commitments to care for older relatives. You can't give up your kids to do it though.

I'm not saying childless people don't have issues or problems, but it's not the same as having responsibility for children

The grass is always greener

You need to look at your own life and see what you can cut that takes time but doesn't pay you with any pleasure back

Learn to say no to invites etc that you don't want to go to

Spend more quality time with your DH , learn to talk with him and share interests that you can do together , they need not be expensive , something like watching a movie classic then talking about it , doing a jigsaw , board game , planning a city trip together

Mindless tv and mindless laptop time is relationship invasion , try to cut it down and share some interest time together

Plan and eat healthier meals - that's an energy giver rather than an energy zapper

Swim / go for walks together as a family that way you get exercise and bonding time

Try and build regular good habits rather than bad short cuts

I have children but know lots of childless couples/single people who are in that situation because of infertility problems or choice. I've watched all of them go through the mill at points in their lives and I would never say that their experience in life is easier than mine

I completely agree. My point was more about freedom. In general, those without children have more freedom to do as they wish...of course, if the one thing they want to do is have a child, then the freedom doesn't really exist.

And no parents ever walk away from their children!?

Men do.

Staggeringly tiny numbers of mothers walk away from their children. Even mothers who hate parenthood, stick it out.

Re my sham mum who followed my Dad abroad and I suspect did many of the actions some folks now look down on in 'only' managing a household (btw she bought their present house and often had to manage two houses one in the UK being rented out and one abroad.), she always said and still says now in her eighties "How so very lucky we all of us were to go to all those places, (under developed tropical countries)..All the things we saw and all the things we did". OK we had no TV no films but she seemed to have bought in into their joint decision.

I was discussing in relation to the op, that children restrict your life like nothing else

And I, and all people,like me, never said they don't. Just that we have mental load too.

Good post by pickleup. I would agree that this.

I am not talking about SAHPs doing childcare. I am not talking about people who’ve worked for fifty years and deserve a relaxing retirement. I’m not saying that rampant consumerism is a good thing - we could all do with less plastic tat and nobody needs a new car every year.

What I am saying is that if I chose to become workless or almost workless I would not be boasting about it or virtue signalling on MN. I certainly wouldn’t be denigrating the lives of people who work full time and enable me to enjoy my idle lifestyle “free from the bondage of work”.

I think I would keep a bloody low profile and if I said anything, it would be apologetic.

Except the OPs friend does work. It was the OP who described it as a hobby type job and that has been jumped on as her wafting around and living off her husband, when in actual fact she probably has built a nice, lucrative business for herself.
I have my own business and frequently get comments like that, because all they see is the nice shed in the garden with underfloor heating and scented candles that I use for sports massage. My reality involves cold sports grounds and long hours (and rugby players so not all bad)

Good lord the judgement on here. What does it matter to folk how the OP's friend manages her life?! Sounds to me like she's content so good on her!

The majority need to work full-time to support themselves but since having DC and cutting back on my own work I have noticed a trend of how many say to me "oh I'm jealous, we just couldn't afford to do that". Whilst they redo their kitchen, upgrade their cars and have several holidays a year. All of which if they cut out they could easily afford to reduce hours. They just don't want to as we live in a consumerist society and people think they need all this stuff. Not everyone of course, but large numbers could reduce their outgoings and have a better work/life balance if they decided it was worth the sacrifice of holidays, better/bigger houses, cars, electronics etc etc.

It's a question of priorities. If your priority is to live in London or the south east, go on expensive, exotic holidays, have a large house, all the latest tech and expensive cars, you're not going to be able to cut down your hours and take things a bit easier.

Yes Motoko but the people I've experienced in the last few years profess to wanting to focus more on family, less work stress etc, they tell me they're jealous that I'm "able to" when the reality is they're also able to, but are unwilling to make any sacrifices!

I feel this thread has gone a bit off the point. For me it comes down to this: For many years I felt my friend was living a very limited life - the OP thought the out-of-town ex-council house and stay-at-home lifestyle lacked glamour in comparison to her own hectic city social life and status job. Now five years down the line and with a small child in tow the imagined glamour of a rented flat in the city is starting to pall as is the prospect of working (and commuting) all hours to pay for it. Suddenly a home of her own and time to spend there as a family looks very appealing. She's gone from feeling slightly smug and superior in relation to her friend to wondering why she didn't have the foresight to set her life on a similar track. She thought she wanted one thing, but now her priorities have changed I wonder if I really made any choices at all. It's not as simple as giving up work and living off her husband, she's worrying that if they both slowed down their marriage might not stand it - and I think this is what she really envies about her friend.

Exactly ginyogarepeat, as I said, it's a question of priorities. They could do it, but they don't want to give anything up to get it, so it's a lower priority to them.

There’s a bit of a difference between achieving a better work/like balance by giving up a few luxuries or novelties in order to work a four day week/have one parent stay at home doing childcare (fair enough), and this ridiculous notion propagated in this thread that the less work you do the better - the ultimate goal being to be “free from the bondage of work”.

Once again, if we all earned £12k a year macrame-ing loo seat covers or whatever our favourite “hobby work” is for a few hours a week there would be NO TAX RECEIPTS, NO PUBLIC SERVICES, AND NO CUSTOMERS TO BUY THIS TAT

Lillian The point some of us are making is that the OPs contentment could very well be at the expense of her DHs who is working FT plus her friend doesn't have DC.

Contentment is very hard to achieve. DH and I have achieved it and for us it's not wafting about the place baking cakes. You really have to look at yourself and be honest about what makes you individually and as a couple happy. Once you have DC contentment for my family has been about DH and I thinking and learning about what makes us happy individually, as a couple and as a family. It's much harder to achieve now and it keeps changing as the DV change.

I really don't believe you can be content if your basic needs aren't met. Purposely working less so you can qualify for benefits isn't something I think anyone should be proud of. Benefits are there for those who can't provide for themselves, not for those who want to waft. It's the same as people who pass assets to their DC to avoid care home fees. Just no. It's fraud. Don't take from the poor.

not mung beans. People save up and live off the interest. Plenty of people doing it.