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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be unhappy about DH taking our baby abroad?

515 replies

SummerForever · 05/11/2018 13:29

Have name changed here.

AIBU to be unhappy & uncertain about allowing DH to take our 3 month old baby abroad without me?

He’s a fantastic father and there is no issue there.

Trip would be to see his family/my PILs. Short haul flight of 2hrs.

Also his grandmother is going to have her 90th birthday, she has been in poor health for a number of years now so he is concerned that it will be the last time he will get to see her and spend time with her etc.

Also he would like to introduce DS2 to her as it might be last chance. Lots of extended family would like to meet the baby, DH is one of 3 brothers and he has many aunties & uncles.

PILs obviously very keen to see baby again (they came to stay for 1 month when DS2 was a week old).

DH has some leave left and so would like to use it, I’m still on maternity leave so I could technically go as well.

The issue is that the trip would be later this month and so DS1 (aged 6) is in school and would need to be taken out for this.

We have already booked a holiday for next Easter and he will miss 10 days of the school year (long haul trip to USA).

My parents live 4 hours drive away and they both still work so would not be able to come down to look after DS1. More importantly, I would not feel comfortable leaving him here while the 3 of us go off abroad.

AIBU to be telling DH that I just don’t feel comfortable or happy with him taking DS2?

DH is quite upset that I feel this way- I am shocked that he has reacted like this and he is disappointed with my decision etc.

But for me, I think it’s just too soon for the baby to go away without me.

Am I being too clingy? or should I just let him go with DS2?
My gut tells me no but his reaction is making me question my judgement.
DS2 was an IVF baby after a number of years of TTC & miscarriages- I think I might be more over protective of him as a consequence.

What do others think, especially those with a similar aged baby?
I can’t see the wood for the trees!

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 05/11/2018 19:53

but it’s not fine in order for a dying relative to meet ds2?

She’s dying now? Hmm

HettyB · 05/11/2018 19:54

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. I wouldn’t want my DH taking our 3 YEAR old abroad without me, let alone a 3mo.

Orangepear · 05/11/2018 20:02

I am really surprised at how many people think it is okay! I would never do this. 3 months is newborn!

KoshaMangsho · 05/11/2018 20:03

The breastfeeding is a red herring since you were planning to stop anyway.

DH is obviously capable and also a parent. Baby is not going to be neglected and left to cry. Baby will not dad’s smell as well (also again baby is only being breastfed at night).

The whole ‘it’s for the parents’ benefit’ argument is interesting. MN is full of ppl constantly advocating new mums do things for THEIR benefit that don’t really benefit the baby but somehow in this instance the baby trumps all. If this was a woman with severe PND saying that her husband wanted to take the kid to give her a break no one would be saying ‘what a terrible mother, putting your needs above the baby’s.’

However, and this is key, you don’t want to be separated from your baby. And that’s a valid feeling and emotion. There are ways for this trip to work (albeit expensive ones) that allow what both of you want. I would actively consider those. DH’s grandfather died recently and the one thing that gave him a lot of comfort is that he got to see DS2 before he died. And that for the future we have pictures of all them together with DS2 next to him. I assume some day they will have meaning for DS2 even if he has no memories. So don’t underestimate this as well.

KoshaMangsho · 05/11/2018 20:06

Also yes you might well need written permission. Both DH and I have travelled separately sans the other with one or two kids. We have been stopped at Paris border control (me), Heathrow (me and him separately), Canada (him), USA (him) and Berlin (me) and asked for birth certificates and/or letters of permission which we always carry. We are British citizens btw, but the kids and I don’t share a surname.

GettingBackToMe · 05/11/2018 20:06

No way would I have been parted from my 3 month old. Not even overnight, but certainly not for a week!

Its not just about the practical stuff of whether your DH can look after him, or bottle/breast fed, but how you will feel. And how your tiny child will feel.

If it is important for the baby to go, then take the 6 year old out of school and all go together. If he insists on taking the baby without you then he is an arse.

CJsGoldfish · 05/11/2018 20:07

I'd have no problem with this and pretty sure baby will be fine. We parents tend to project our own feelings and issue on to the kids who are generally pretty adaptable. I'd embrace the opportunity to spend one on one time with my other child knowing baby is with the best person they could be with (other than me) but I'm pretty chilled.

Having said that, I understand and realise that not everyone feels the same and if it is not right for you then I'd be looking for a compromise rather than an outright refusal. This is important to your DH so I guess I'd look at going as well.

AnotherEmma · 05/11/2018 20:08

“Some women have to return to work this early or earlier and some travel for work. Those saying they couldn’t leave their 6montb plus for a day, how would you cope if you needed to work to earn money?!”

It’s not the same at all. Working parents still see their children morning, evening and night (assuming they work during the day). Being completely separated from your baby for an entire week is completely different. I doubt many working mothers with such a young baby would agree to a week-long work trip. One or two nights maybe, if absolutely necessary.

braid · 05/11/2018 20:13

I would never have let my 3 month old go away without me, it would have distressed me enormously. I think, if you can, all go. This time with young children never comes again. And you will probably bring joy to your husband's extended family. Good luck!

foggetyfog · 05/11/2018 20:15

I would go with both children and your husband but for a long weekend. The school work a 6 year old misses really doesn't matter - they waste huge amounts of time during the school day - and you can do reading with him at home. A 90th birthday party is a big thing and it's important that you all go if possible. Perhaps your older son could conveniently contract a sickness bug on the thursday night which lasts till monday? The school probably won't care even if they suspect you're lying, it's all about attendance statistics.

frothy · 05/11/2018 20:15

YABU.

He is the father.

Darkbendis · 05/11/2018 20:17

To me, the best solution would be the whole family going for a long weekend. It absolutely won't be the end of the world if your oldest child misses a couple of school days ( even with the holiday booked around Easter).

YANBU for not wanting to be separated from your 3 month old baby for a week, but I understand that your DH is also not BU for wanting to attend such a big family event and introduce the wee one to everyone. I am sure he'd prefer you can all come. We have lots of family abroad too. I know for sure that my DH wouldn't have even considered taking my three month old baby away from me even for a couple of days for this, but he'd have looked at every possible option to arrange it that all of us go, even if it's only for a couple of days.

HermioneWeasley · 05/11/2018 20:20

All of you just go! Ds1 is 6 - it’s not like he’s going to miss splitting the atom.

FWIW I had 5 or 6 weeks away from DS2 when he was 3 months and the aching was intense

Absofrigginlootly · 05/11/2018 20:29

I am with your husband on this. I can’t believe you can’t see how unreasonable you are being.

Only on MN ConfusedHmm and

OP I’ve only read a tiny way down. These threads usually go the same way. Some posters saying NO WAY others telling you you’re being a selfish clingy precious overbearing DM and how dare you not trust your DH, others turning it into a feminist issue like, we’re not in the 1950s anymore, don’t you go thinking your indispensable as the baby’s mother or anything?!

The baby always seems to get lost in all of this. This is waaaaay too young to be separated from you from a week. Especially as still BF. The baby will experience this as a genuine trauma. It could potentially cause an attachment disorder. There is reams of psychological literature on the trauma of maternal separation for infants... young baby’s need their mums. It’s just a biological fact.

MN doesn’t usually want to hear it though

oblada · 05/11/2018 20:30

I wouldn't be separated from my kids at such a young age for such a length of time. It would simply be a no. Even without bf into the equation i don't think a father and a mother are fully equal in the circumstances. A mother has carried the child for 9months. The child is only 3 months old. It's too early, for both mum and child.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 05/11/2018 20:35

Yanbu at all. I can sort of understand why DH would want to do it but I think he's being a bit unreasonable putting you in this situation. It's too young.

LittleBirdBlues · 05/11/2018 20:39

I have a baby hwi had just turned three months. He's my third so not pfb... There is no situation I could imagine which would make me leave him without me for a week. Not a chance in hell.

In fact my four year old son has bend in hospital for ten days and dh has spent every night with him because I won't leave the baby for even just one night.

Personal choice of course, but a week just sounds insane to me. You should all go, with perhaps you and the kids leaking earlier or arriving later so ds1 doesn't miss so much school.

kaytee87 · 05/11/2018 20:44

DS wasn't away from me for the night until he was 14mo.
Honesty I'd think it weird a baby being away from its primary carer for any length of time at 12 weeks.
I left ds for the first time for a few hours when he was 12 weeks and I felt like I just wanted to get back to him.

Mummyshark2018 · 05/11/2018 20:44

OP i assume that you get on with your in laws as they stayed with you for a month. Could you not travel with the baby so that great grandparent sees baby. Could your DH follow you with Dc1 for a weekend?

AnotherEmma · 05/11/2018 20:48

“others turning it into a feminist issue”

Well yes, it is a feminist issue. As a feminist, I think newborn babies need their mothers, mothers’ feelings are important, and a father’s want to take his baby away for a week does not trump a baby’s need for its mother or the mother’s feelings about it.

I very much doubt the YABU camp would all call themselves feminists. But maybe some people like to co-opt the “equality” argument to justify letting men get their own way yet again.

Absofrigginlootly · 05/11/2018 20:54

Yes sorry I should have written feminist in “” because true feminists would indeed see the hugely important and essential role of the mother. I meant those who think equality means everything being exactly the same between men and women where to the exception of the physical act of BF mothers/fathers/paid carers are all on equal footing when it comes to delivering care for the baby. Like it’s only about the physical tasks of feeding/changing nappies etc.

The entirely necessary (from a developmental cognitive neuroscience and evolutionary perspective) maternal loving infant bond is consistently overlooked or undervalued

geekone · 05/11/2018 20:56

Wow these posts always go dark quick.

OP I understand not wanting to be away from your baby. I don’t think your baby will mind or remember or be traumatised, but I couldn’t have.

I think it’s important baby meets 90 year old granny and I think that 6 year old DS should go to the party too as well as you.

Lastly and honestly I think you don’t want to go which is fine but I think for the sake of 90 year old granny and kids you probably should.

That being said talk to your husband tell him your fears and hopefully figure something out together

MemoryOfSleep · 05/11/2018 20:59

Yanbu. Hell would freeze over before I was away from my 3 month old for a week!!!

^ This

Absofrigginlootly · 05/11/2018 21:00

I don’t think your baby will mind or remember or be traumatised

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3115616/

littlecabbage · 05/11/2018 21:01

OP, YANBU.

There is no way I would be separated from my 3 month old baby like this. Your instincts are correct. Your baby has bonded with you and it would be frightening to suddenly not have you around. He knows your smell and the sound of your voice. Yes, he has bonded with your husband too, but as you carried him in your body (research shows that they learn to recognise your voice whilst still in utero), are breastfeeding him and are the primary caregiver, he is far more bonded to you.

Yes, you may be happy to stop breastfeeding, but that doesn’t mean you should suddenly disappear out of his life completely (he has no concept of how long a week is, and there is no way to explain to him that you are coming back). IMO, this is cruel, and being suggested to satisfy your husband and his relatives, without putting the needs of a tiny, vulnerable infant first.

Just no.