to be unhappy about DH taking our baby abroad?

[SummerForever]

Have name changed here.

AIBU to be unhappy & uncertain about allowing DH to take our 3 month old baby abroad without me?

He’s a fantastic father and there is no issue there.

Trip would be to see his family/my PILs. Short haul flight of 2hrs.

Also his grandmother is going to have her 90th birthday, she has been in poor health for a number of years now so he is concerned that it will be the last time he will get to see her and spend time with her etc.

Also he would like to introduce DS2 to her as it might be last chance. Lots of extended family would like to meet the baby, DH is one of 3 brothers and he has many aunties & uncles.

PILs obviously very keen to see baby again (they came to stay for 1 month when DS2 was a week old).

DH has some leave left and so would like to use it, I’m still on maternity leave so I could technically go as well.

The issue is that the trip would be later this month and so DS1 (aged 6) is in school and would need to be taken out for this.

We have already booked a holiday for next Easter and he will miss 10 days of the school year (long haul trip to USA).

My parents live 4 hours drive away and they both still work so would not be able to come down to look after DS1. More importantly, I would not feel comfortable leaving him here while the 3 of us go off abroad.

AIBU to be telling DH that I just don’t feel comfortable or happy with him taking DS2?

DH is quite upset that I feel this way- I am shocked that he has reacted like this and he is disappointed with my decision etc.

But for me, I think it’s just too soon for the baby to go away without me.

Am I being too clingy? or should I just let him go with DS2?
My gut tells me no but his reaction is making me question my judgement.
DS2 was an IVF baby after a number of years of TTC & miscarriages- I think I might be more over protective of him as a consequence.

What do others think, especially those with a similar aged baby?
I can’t see the wood for the trees!

Nope

See also

www.psychologicalscience.org/publications/observer/obsonline/how-mother-child-separation-causes-neurobiological-vulnerability-into-adulthood.html

No way would I be apart from my baby for that length of time. I suggest you compromise and go for the 90th party over a long weekend, that way the 6 year old only needs to miss a couple of days of school. Your husband can then go early or stay later if he wishes.

I’d take the oldest out of school

Ask the school if DS can go due to a dying relative?

The baby will experience this as a genuine trauma. It could potentially cause an attachment disorder. There is reams of psychological literature on the trauma of maternal separation for infants... young baby’s need their mums. It’s just a biological fact

Please don't let this rubbish influence you OP. The baby will not be traumatised over this. Spending a week with your husband won't cause a disorder.
Not to say YOUR feelings don't count because they do. Baby WILL be fine for a week so your decision shouldn't be based on the guilt others try and place on you or feel themselves.

MN doesn’t usually want to hear it though
Probably because it's not true.
Yes, there are many studies on the effects of separation but not so much 'normal' family situations such as these.

It’s not rubbish. I’ve studied psychology to postgraduate level and worked as a qualified HCP in children and family services.... I didn’t say it would definitely cause an attachment disorder, just that it could (which it could).

Bring separated for a week from its primary care giver will be traumatic for a 14 week old infant.

No feelings of guilt on my side either, I’m a sahm

Just take the 6 year old out of school for a week. That will cause the least amount of damage / upheaval
Take some books / homework with so he's doesn't fall too far behind

No way I would have been parted from my baby at that age for a week! The thought makes me feel sick and he is 12 now!

It doesn’t matter how great s dad your DH is, you are quite understandably uncomfortable with the idea and as both mum and primary carer that trumps all.

I think I would have felt like my heart had been ripped out if I were parted from my tiny baby. I was BF so never an option for me.

Tbh, I am not sure about the fuss about great gran meeting baby. Baby won’t remember. Is she really that bothered? It would be nice but couldn’t you go in school hols? Maybe Feb half term would be cheaper than Xmas? Otherwise, as others suggest, go for a shorter break.

I’ve studied psychology to postgraduate level
Currently studying (but not postgrad) and I disagree.

Bring separated for a week from its primary care giver will be traumatic for a 14 week old infant

COULD be, depending on circumstances. Important point that 'circumstances' bit.

How can your husband not care about his own baby being suddenly without his Mum at 14 weeks old for a whole week? And you already have a child so he knows how things work with small babies and their Mums. Unbelievably selfish on his part. I couldn't even comprehend how you could try to have a reasonable conversation with someone who shows so little regard for his own tiny baby.

The baby won’t rememeber is a red herring. I don’t remember 2/4 of my grandparents who died before I was 3. I still treasure the pictures (not many) I have with them. And I love hearing stories about them.
Family occasions and ties are important. I can understand not wanting to be separated from one’s baby, but to dismiss the long term importance of these memories is also callous. As I said earlier, multiple middle grounds have been suggested.

My baby is 8 months and there is no way I would be separated from him. You are not being unreasonable. I’d go with your hubby

A 3 month old wants its mother more than it wants to take an overseas trip to meet elderly relatives. I'd even go so far as to say the former is a genuine need.

If it were me, I'd take the older one out of school and the whole family go.

Spare I disagree. I think all babies will find a week long maternal separation traumatic. I don’t think there is any “could find it” there.

Please feel free to seek the opinion of one of your lecturers/researchers specialising in child development or cognitive neuroscience

Surely you’ve read or been taught the heartbreaking research with rhesus monkeys? Studying attachment in humanninfants is difficult because it’s obviously unethical to deliberately separate mother and child (because it has negative repercussions!!)

But the awful things they’ve done to monkey infants and then studied their brains is pretty compelling

Then there’s studies like those I linked to above... perhaps as you’re currently studying you have proper funded access to the library online journals rather than what’s available via google.... have a look at the evidence

These are interesting reading....

www.peterhaiman.com/articles/effectsOfSeparationOnYoungChildren.shtml

www.theguardian.com/social-care-network/2012/sep/12/secure-early-bonding-essential-babies

It's a 2 hour flight. Take the 6 year old out school and spend family time together.

I'm absolutely horrified reading how casually some posters can dismiss how important it is to the DH to have contact with his 90 year old grandmother and have her touch base with the youngest in her line.

After all, if it wasn't for grandma, none of them would be here.

SummerForever isn't questioning her DH's ability to look after DS only that she can't envisage being separated from him for a week.

When my DGS was 3 months old he was separated from his whole family for 3 weeks. He spent this time in hospital attached to tubes, having tests etc. etc. His just turned 2 year old sister's world was also turned upside down for this time. Yes, he had a family member by his side the whole time (not allowed to touch him). Everyone took turns, grandparents, Mum, Dad, relatives, friends.

It broke my heart at the time to see the little 2 year old going backwards and forwards to hospitals to see her new baby brother and her Mum and Dad.

These two little ones are 12 and 14 now and the most beautiful and loving children. Both highly academic and extremely close to their own grandparents and great grandparents.

A week away with a loving family isn't going to cause trauma for a 14 week baby. Or detachment anxiety.

I think the focus is on the wrong person here... it isn't about you and how you feel it's about how the baby will cope being away from their mother... if they have never been away from you for long periods they may find being away from you for a week really difficult, I haven't read all the comments but also if you're breastfeeding and this is all going well, and the baby is benefitting from your breast milk etc then that's another reason why perhaps not. It's a tricky one as your child's father does probably deserve equal rights to show the baby off to family etc, but again this is secondary to what your baby's needs are. The baby comes first. Then your feelings and your partners. If there are genuinely no reasons as to how the baby can be negatively effected and it's just because you don't feel comfortable or will miss the baby then you should consider letting them go on the trip. It'll be mega hard and I sympathise with that but if the baby isn't going to be negatively effected then that isn't really a reason.

DS a similar age now to how old your DS would be at this trip and I'd honestly have no problem with it if I knew the caregiver was competent. I'm sure it depends on the baby. Mine is bottle fed and content with just about anyone honestly.

I like the idea of going for a long weekend and leaving the baby with DH for a couple extra days.

I think you'd be risking breastfeeding if you take a week away from the baby.

no way would I be separated from my 3 month old for a week. That's mad. I can't believe your DH suggested it.

To be clear, I think it's mad to be separated by a flight from your newborn. Period.

I think it will be traumatic for you, let alone the poor baby.

However, if you allow yourself to be guilt tripped by your DH - it's a 2 hour flight, why can't he go for one day? If it's so important that the baby meets his family member then a day should be enough and worth the cost.

A week is absolutely ducking ridiculous and I cannot believe a single person here agrees with your DH.

Op no way would I be separated from my 3 or 4 month old baby.

How's this for an alternative, if its that important to DH that baby meets GG. Why don't you take the baby and DH can look after the 6yo?

Alternatively you take 6yo out of school. The 6yo might actually get something out of the trip where baby without mum will be a stress ball.

While i get the MN Dads are equal parents etc etc but to a 3 month old who grew in your tummy who head your voice and heartbeat for 9mths, who's still getting to know the big world, baby needs his mum and BS to anybody who says otherwise.

Heard your voice not head

@TooMuchTidying

Op is already stopping breast feeding for other reasons.