to be unhappy about DH taking our baby abroad?

[SummerForever]

Have name changed here.

AIBU to be unhappy & uncertain about allowing DH to take our 3 month old baby abroad without me?

He’s a fantastic father and there is no issue there.

Trip would be to see his family/my PILs. Short haul flight of 2hrs.

Also his grandmother is going to have her 90th birthday, she has been in poor health for a number of years now so he is concerned that it will be the last time he will get to see her and spend time with her etc.

Also he would like to introduce DS2 to her as it might be last chance. Lots of extended family would like to meet the baby, DH is one of 3 brothers and he has many aunties & uncles.

PILs obviously very keen to see baby again (they came to stay for 1 month when DS2 was a week old).

DH has some leave left and so would like to use it, I’m still on maternity leave so I could technically go as well.

The issue is that the trip would be later this month and so DS1 (aged 6) is in school and would need to be taken out for this.

We have already booked a holiday for next Easter and he will miss 10 days of the school year (long haul trip to USA).

My parents live 4 hours drive away and they both still work so would not be able to come down to look after DS1. More importantly, I would not feel comfortable leaving him here while the 3 of us go off abroad.

AIBU to be telling DH that I just don’t feel comfortable or happy with him taking DS2?

DH is quite upset that I feel this way- I am shocked that he has reacted like this and he is disappointed with my decision etc.

But for me, I think it’s just too soon for the baby to go away without me.

Am I being too clingy? or should I just let him go with DS2?
My gut tells me no but his reaction is making me question my judgement.
DS2 was an IVF baby after a number of years of TTC & miscarriages- I think I might be more over protective of him as a consequence.

What do others think, especially those with a similar aged baby?
I can’t see the wood for the trees!

YANBU to not want to be away from your 3 month old for a week.

However, the trip your DH proposes - for his Grandma's 90th, possibly his last chance to see her and your baby's only chance to meet her is INFINITELY more important than a trip to Disney.

So it should be the priority, and money and days off school should be prioritised for that over Disney.

So if you are (reasonably) not comfortable being away from baby, then you need to cancel Disney and all go to Italy. That is the real question - do you feel more strongly about being away from your baby for a week, or about cancelling Disney. Any other solution (such as not "allowing" baby or DH to go) would be unreasonable, as this trip to Italy is important, time-limited and your DH will deeply regret not going.

Oh, just realised its not Disney. Still the point still stands - it is the US trip that must be cancelled, if that is what it takes, to enable this trip to happen. This trip to Italy is the most important thing (unless you're going to drip feed that you're going to the US to see a terminally ill relative for the last (and baby's first) time.

I think you should all go. I'd really struggle with DP prioritising a Disney trip over a possible only chance for DC to meet my family. You were obviously happy to take Ds out of school for the holiday and to spend a significant sum on that trip. You either need to find a way to do both or sacrifice the Disney trip

Go with them, take DC out of school, reason being grandparent in poor health and visit necessary as a result.

Not a chance I'd have been separated from my 14 week old for a week.

Your dh may be a good father, but how will he cope if the baby is inconsolable because it needs its mum? Yes, equality means he does his fair share, but that doesn't mean he can dictate you handing your child over for a week.

If you aren't comfortable then you have to do what is in the baby's best interests and not take away the primary care giver 14 bloody weeks after birth.

I'd do what others have suggested and go for a long weekend with your older child too. If your dh can't compromise on this, please please don't put his feelings above those of your tiny baby for whom you are their entire world

My DC are just about finished school now and I've never taken them out for a holiday but I wouldn't hesitate for an important relative's 90th birthday, especially if they were in poor health and there was new baby for them to meet.

I wouldn't let the baby go without me but I would make sure DH got this trip. Your priorities seem strange to me

As a dad. Screw equality, mum is mum, especially to someone that tiny. Maybe he goes for full week and you get a flight Friday eve and back Sunday eve. He can do one way with you but parting mum and tiny baby is dam right cruel.

Yanbu.
Your baby is (partly) breastfed he cannot and should not be away from his mum and the comfort of her milk for any length of time. It will be distressing for him.
He will derive no benefit from this trip at all.
This is about adults.
I know I will get a bashing from the equality brigade about dads rights.
But nature designed babies to feed often and frequently to keep them with their mothers for most of the time, especially at night.
I appreciate there is formula milk and my own ds was formula fed. However nature wants babies to be close to their mums because it is best, and a week in my opinion is far too long and will be a distressing separation for you both.

There's no way I would separate a 3month old from their mother ... It's cruel from both viewpoints.
The fact that you are currently still bf at night means you will have to stop doing this before baby travels unless dh wants to risk a nightmarish time with him on his own.
If it's only a two hour flight I'd just go for the weekend.

Big fat nope. No way would that be happening.
Agree with Ferrier - would a Friday afternoon until Sunday evening be an option for all four of you? Or even Thursday evening and Friday off for DS1?

I completely agree with the majority of the pp’s. Go for a long weekend/week all together. DH can stay if he wants to but, this is major event in his family (which you are part of), at 6 years old it isn’t going to have a massive (or any) impact on his education for your ds.

In fact a holiday to Italy and then to the US will be very educational. This is the family you have married into. You need to all go.

It is absolutely to early for you be separated from your baby for a week. Your ds will be fine with missing school.

I’m TA in SEN and in your shoes I’d go.

YANBU for not wanting to be separated.

Your husband INBU for wanting to introduce the baby to his extended family.

YABU for considering taking your DS out of school twice in a year.

I think you have to suck up the financial cost of this one and go at Christmas (like most people have to do when wanting to go abroad as a family with a child in school).

DH can stay longer that should say!

No way would I let my DH take my baby away for a week at that age!

Go with him and take your older child. If the family need to see your baby, they need to see your older child too.

Have a think about the US trip....but at the end of the day the worst that will happen is a fine and your child will miss some school.

Absolutely agree that this is all about what adults want. The baby should be thought of first here, and they would want to stay at home with the primary caregiver, who is also breastfeeding. Why would a baby want to be lugged to Italy to be passed around a load of people they don't know? Luckily OP what you want is also the option that is best for the baby, so YANBU at all.

I felt the same way when mine were small (still a bit now) I worked part time and didn't even like dh taking them out for the day ( what if something happened and I wasn't there? )
But I realised it was my problem and nothing to do with his ability as a parent I'm just a bit over protective. I think if it was for a week abroad I would have moved heaven and earth to be there .

Honestly at 6 he will catch up very quickly. It’s no different than being off with an illness. It isn’t ideal but it’s possibly his last time seeing his great grandma. And actually he might remember it, unlike the 3 month baby. But if you look past the hyperbole of 100% attendance at primary then there are cases that justify being absent. The birthday I would say is one of them.

Go with him, you will miss your baby, but your 6 year old isn’t going to miss much from school at that age tbh. I would just go with him.

What's best for DC? Teeny tiny babies NEED their mums in a way that they don't need their dads.

Honestly, I don't think it really matters what your DH thinks, whether he's a good dad etc. Or even whether you're being clingy. It shouldn't really be about either of you but the very small baby. I. Can't fathom any circumstances that I would have agreed to my DC spending even one night away from me at that age. Stand your ground on this.

Thus is so tricky. I think at that age if you're off on mat leave and the baby is used to being with you all day every day and then is away from you completely and in unfamiliar surroundings then, no matter how great the dad is, the baby will still be stressed.

Could he fly for 5 or 6 days and you go for the middle 3 or 4 so there is only one night apart at either end and your son doesn't miss as much school?

I don't think you are being unreasonable, I would not want to be separated from my 3 month old for one week, in fact I would not want to be separated from my 3 year old for one week, maybe I'm a clingy mum

You’re not unreasonable to feel unhappy about potentially being separated from your (very young) baby.

That aside, I’d suggest both parents consider whether this trip is okay for baby and not base it entirely on how much another adult would like to see them. Some babies would be fine. Others might be very clingy away from mom. As you haven’t stopped breastfeeding yet, I’d also try bottlefeeding EBM or formula milk for an entire day to see how well baby copes with a bottle. It will suck big time if dad checks into the airport and baby is refusing to feed from a bottle. x

@smithsinarazz

You lost any impact you might have had with that totally over the top ludicrous out pouring. The child is with his other parent. Who already does a significant proportion of the parenting. Who already answers the child’s cry and feeds the child.

@Seaweed42 I’m sorry the men in your life have lead you to that conclusion. I do appreciate that travelling with small children alone is tough, but it’s not impossible for either gender.... baby in carrier on front, rucksack with sterilised bottles and pre made formula (if not BF) and sets of clothes nappies packed individually. Passports and money in inside pocket of rucksack. At least there’s no snacks or toys required when tiny!

YANBU to feel you don’t wNt to be separate but you are unreasonable to not bend for one of the suggested compromises. I’m in the minority, I would go.

Some women have to return to work this early or earlier and some travel for work. Those saying they couldn’t leave their 6montb plus for a day, how would you cope if you needed to work to earn money?!

But anyway. Let him go, or take the older child out of school and all go.

tell him you've decided that you don't want to give up on breastfeeding, so you can't be separated. Problem solved.