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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be unhappy about DH taking our baby abroad?

515 replies

SummerForever · 05/11/2018 13:29

Have name changed here.

AIBU to be unhappy & uncertain about allowing DH to take our 3 month old baby abroad without me?

He’s a fantastic father and there is no issue there.

Trip would be to see his family/my PILs. Short haul flight of 2hrs.

Also his grandmother is going to have her 90th birthday, she has been in poor health for a number of years now so he is concerned that it will be the last time he will get to see her and spend time with her etc.

Also he would like to introduce DS2 to her as it might be last chance. Lots of extended family would like to meet the baby, DH is one of 3 brothers and he has many aunties & uncles.

PILs obviously very keen to see baby again (they came to stay for 1 month when DS2 was a week old).

DH has some leave left and so would like to use it, I’m still on maternity leave so I could technically go as well.

The issue is that the trip would be later this month and so DS1 (aged 6) is in school and would need to be taken out for this.

We have already booked a holiday for next Easter and he will miss 10 days of the school year (long haul trip to USA).

My parents live 4 hours drive away and they both still work so would not be able to come down to look after DS1. More importantly, I would not feel comfortable leaving him here while the 3 of us go off abroad.

AIBU to be telling DH that I just don’t feel comfortable or happy with him taking DS2?

DH is quite upset that I feel this way- I am shocked that he has reacted like this and he is disappointed with my decision etc.

But for me, I think it’s just too soon for the baby to go away without me.

Am I being too clingy? or should I just let him go with DS2?
My gut tells me no but his reaction is making me question my judgement.
DS2 was an IVF baby after a number of years of TTC & miscarriages- I think I might be more over protective of him as a consequence.

What do others think, especially those with a similar aged baby?
I can’t see the wood for the trees!

OP posts:
MaryShelley1818 · 05/11/2018 17:09

A week would be too long for me.
I went away for 3nts to Spain to celebrate my significant Birthday with friends when DS was 5mths old and that was the maximum I could have done x

MrsA2015 · 05/11/2018 17:11

NO way

amicissimma · 05/11/2018 17:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

reallybadidea · 05/11/2018 17:12

How old would the baby be when they go? If you're primary carer then I think it's really quite cruel to separate a young baby. He really should have thought of this before you booked the Easter holiday though.

goodnessgrace · 05/11/2018 17:12

Yes YABU.

You should go too, along with eldest DC - is it their grandmother too? If so it's equally as important for them to see GP.

And as a previous poster said... you have no qualms taking eldest out of school for Disney but not to see a dying relative...?

Evilspiritgin · 05/11/2018 17:13

I think you should take dc out of school and go with them, how old will the baby be when he’s wanting to go? As I’m read op as the baby’s 3 months now

Purpleartichoke · 05/11/2018 17:14

I would not agree with my spouse taking an infant abroad. My spouse wouldn’t be ok with me doing that either. A week in the life of an infant is huge.

There is also a good chance a week assay will destroy breastfeeding. A family visit is not worth that risk.

fishonabicycle · 05/11/2018 17:18

I had to spend two nights away from my 3 month old - it was really difficult and I cried quite a bit. A week is too long - surely a quick weekend trip for all of you would be the answer? Your husband could stay longer if he wants.

BlackType · 05/11/2018 17:18

I think the OP's husband is being very selfish. He's putting her in a position where she ends up having no choice but to flog to Italy with a small baby and another child, just to keep the peace. Not only would I not have been separated from any of my DC when they were babies (or older, come to that), but I could have thought of little worse than flying anywhere with them while knackered, combi-feeding, etc. I had very small age gaps between mine, so it was possibly an even worse idea - but babies and small children need routine, not flights, strangers, and general upset. Nobody's stopping the OP's husband from going to see his family.

goldentrianglex · 05/11/2018 17:24

AnotherOriginalUsername has the best idea

QueenofmyPrinces · 05/11/2018 17:26

There is no way I could do this - no way.

I personally don’t think a baby that young should be away from its primary caregiver for that length of time unless absolutely unavoidable.

AnotherEmma · 05/11/2018 17:29

YANBU. I can’t believe some people are saying YABU (oh wait... this is Mumsnet! 🙄)

I’m as feminist as they come, but there is a biological reason that babies have a stronger bond with their mother in the beginning, and this makes it much harder for mothers to be separated from their babies than fathers. This is not to say that they shouldn’t share the parenting and mothers shouldn’t leave their babies at all - far from it - but if a mother isn’t comfortable being separated from her baby, that’s absolutely fine and natural.

Aside from biology, if the mother is taking maternity leave and the father is working, this makes her the primary carer, and a week is a very long time for a 3 month old to be separated from its primary carer.

OP, you should take your 6yo out of school and all go together, as many PPs have said. Your DH is wrong to guilt/pressure you about letting him take the baby without you.

GabriellaMontez · 05/11/2018 17:31

What a cruel thing to do to a 3 month old baby. Yanbu.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/11/2018 17:31

@BlackType it is not being selfish to wish to visit your grandparent for their 90th birthday. Neither is it selfish to want them to meet their great grandchild, especially if it may be the only chance they get.

Seaweed42 · 05/11/2018 17:31

"He must be good at asking strangers for help is he? Because I don't know many men who are

How bloody patronising @seaweed42."

You are quite right. I put my hands up Blush. What I said was patronising, and based on my own (limited) experience of men. I was also basing this on my own experience of it being a fairly daunting task bringing a 3-month old anywhere on your own on a trip like that through airports etc, and how much you rely on getting help from people around you.

Fairenuff · 05/11/2018 17:34

The fact that you don't want to be separated from your baby is final and should not be questioned. It is not an option for you.

Start from there and decide whether you all go or whether dh goes on his own.

Personally I would take my child out of school so that we could all go.

thegrinningfox · 05/11/2018 17:40

I took my dc out to see my family when they were that young so I cannot see why he shoudnt.
But even bettet I’d take ds1 out or school and go. Out school Was very suoportive of children with half of their family abroad and would facilitate m

RedSkyLastNight · 05/11/2018 17:49

But the Disney trip was presumably booked before this

Yes, if only they'd known that Great Gran would be turning 90 this year before they booked it! Oh, hang on ...

reluctantlondoner · 05/11/2018 18:02

Absolutely no way should your baby be separated from you so young. Cruel for you and the baby. Work our a way to see his family without you being separated from the baby. I couldn't even leave my baby for a day at that age, never mind a week!

IdblowJonSnow · 05/11/2018 18:40

I would imagine a baby would be traumatised by being away from its mum at that age? And distressing for you. Go altogether for a long wkend and your husband can stay longer if he wishes. Or say it makes sense to go when the party isn't on as she'll presumably have lots of other people there anyway? I think even as a dad or a mum , one shouldn't be taking a very young baby away from its other parent for a full week for everyone's sake.

Original poster
SummerForever · 05/11/2018 18:42

Evening all, thank you for all your thoughts & opinions- really giving me some food for thought!

Typing this one handed.

Our tip next Easter is to the east coast USA- nowhere near either Disneys, not sure where that came from??- we have two weddings to attend and decided to make a big trip of it.

It's reassuring that other women feel equally uneasy about letting their baby go for this length of time and not just me being overly precious.

To clarify- I am the primary caregiver currently on maternity leave, baby will be 14 weeks at time of travel.

DH is an excellent father (he knows this and I tell him so) and does his fair share of parenting duties. There is no concern about his ability to look after DS2.

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 05/11/2018 18:44

I would take the 6yo out of school and explain the situation. It’s likely the trip will be authorised.

BlackType · 05/11/2018 18:52

@sweeneytoddsrazor Sorry - I didn't mean the husband was selfish for wanting to see his grandmother. Far from it! I meant he was being selfish for putting the OP in a position where she's damned/unhappy whatever she does.

BlueJava · 05/11/2018 18:53

I think you both need to get in to the habit of booking holidays in school holiday time - for all of you. 10 days away at Easter is a long time for a 6 year old, and then you are also considering taking him out of school at Xmas or holidaying separately (surely the family would also want to see you and both DCs)

Why not plan when you all go together, much better for their education in the long run.

needsanewname · 05/11/2018 18:55

Whilst I can see both sides here, I also have a 3 month old and I couldn't do it. She stays away 1 night every couple of weeks or so with MIL but that's about as much as I can take and I'm there first thing in the morning picking her up!