to be unhappy about DH taking our baby abroad?

[SummerForever]

Have name changed here.

AIBU to be unhappy & uncertain about allowing DH to take our 3 month old baby abroad without me?

He’s a fantastic father and there is no issue there.

Trip would be to see his family/my PILs. Short haul flight of 2hrs.

Also his grandmother is going to have her 90th birthday, she has been in poor health for a number of years now so he is concerned that it will be the last time he will get to see her and spend time with her etc.

Also he would like to introduce DS2 to her as it might be last chance. Lots of extended family would like to meet the baby, DH is one of 3 brothers and he has many aunties & uncles.

PILs obviously very keen to see baby again (they came to stay for 1 month when DS2 was a week old).

DH has some leave left and so would like to use it, I’m still on maternity leave so I could technically go as well.

The issue is that the trip would be later this month and so DS1 (aged 6) is in school and would need to be taken out for this.

We have already booked a holiday for next Easter and he will miss 10 days of the school year (long haul trip to USA).

My parents live 4 hours drive away and they both still work so would not be able to come down to look after DS1. More importantly, I would not feel comfortable leaving him here while the 3 of us go off abroad.

AIBU to be telling DH that I just don’t feel comfortable or happy with him taking DS2?

DH is quite upset that I feel this way- I am shocked that he has reacted like this and he is disappointed with my decision etc.

But for me, I think it’s just too soon for the baby to go away without me.

Am I being too clingy? or should I just let him go with DS2?
My gut tells me no but his reaction is making me question my judgement.
DS2 was an IVF baby after a number of years of TTC & miscarriages- I think I might be more over protective of him as a consequence.

What do others think, especially those with a similar aged baby?
I can’t see the wood for the trees!

Jesus, it's a human baby, not a dog, FFS!

A newborn can be equally bonded to both parents. As both of us were around full time for my daughters few few months, and we bottle fed, neither of us were primary caregiver. It was 50-50, and our daughter treated us exactly the same. Some days I'd be the primary caregiver if he went out, and other days him, if I went out.

So I think the 'dad's can only be primary carer if mum is not in the scene' is rubbish. Just because it's not how many people do things doesn't mean it's not possible.

Yip thats right Delta dogs have more rights than people. Fucked up world we live in!

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3223373/

Attachment to the mother begins in utero.

People want father's and mothers to be interchangeable, but to a newborn they are not. Biology cannot be changed just through force of will.

Obviously as the baby gets older both parents are equally important. The tiny baby phase is unique.

Nope, not buying it. Aside from BF, there is no reason why the mother and not the father needs to be the primary care-giver. It's convenient for the patriarchy, though, that's for sure.

My first DS was separated from me after birth as I was unwell and spent an extended period in hospital. His father was his primary caregiver during this period. DS suffered no ill effects of this, neither at the time, nor after!

MN bingo... and we’re back to “feminist issue”

Let’s just ignore hundreds of thousands of years of evolution shall we??

How is a father caring for his child, ignoring evolution, exactly?

Delta I'm not sure the patriarchy would be against allowing fathers to remove babies from mothers. Seems to be a way of controlling women in some cultures - some Islamic cultures award custody to fathers of boys from 2 years old and girls from 7. Just another way of scaring women into appeasing men so as not to loose their children.

Object permanence develops between 4 and 7 months old typically. Babies from 6 or 7 months have a sense of themselves as separate from their mothers. That coincides with weaning onto solids and water alongside milk and with crawling / commando crawling and being able to move physically under their own steam away from the mother.

From 6 or 7 months both parents are / can be equal, but before 5 or 6 months the baby is uniquely bonded to the mother in whose womb it grew under normal circumstances.

Insisting a mother who is breastfeeding (even if not exclusively) a child under 6 months be chilled out about the child's father removing the baby from her for a week when it is not in any way essential nor in the baby's interest is not pro woman or pro baby, it's treating the baby as a prop for the father and putting his wants above what is better for the baby and disregarding the fact the separation will be fairly traumatic for mother and child. The father has already admitted he gives no fucks about being away from the baby for a week, and wants to ignore biology and the invetro and breastfeeding hormonal and biological bond because he doesn't have them therefore they aren't important.

Where is the scientific evidence that says a baby is uniquely and exclusively bonded to ONLY the mother, until they are 6 months old? And that separation causes trauma to the infant?

(The previous linked article isn't it).

I am not going to lie
My dh is wonderful, but I wouldn’t have wanted him to take a three month old abroad without me

I guess the millions of women who return to work before their babies are 6 months old are guilty of severing this ’unique bond’ and traumatising their children then.

I think the recent debate here shows that some women really don't seem to like the view of men being equal parents from birth. I think some mums want their child to have a stronger bond with them, and feel threatened by the idea that a baby can bond equally well with both parents.

Well we did do the early months without one of us being primary, and our child IS bonded to both of us equally, so that shows it is possible at least...

Christ delta do some actual research rather than just spouting your opinions.

Piss off @toherdoor

My opinions are as valid as anyone else's on an open public forum. And I’ve read the research and also what masquerades as research; I’m a scientist by profession.

I can’t leave my 4 month old for an evening. No way would anyone, even her father, be able to take her away from me for a week.

@Sleeplikeasloth

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head.

Yeah nah, you piss off. You're confusing opinion with fact, and feminism with biology.

I’m a scientist by profession.

Sure you are 😂

Au contraire, it's you confusing them.

@sleeplikeasloth the majority of babies will be bonded closer to their mum though. OP said shes on maternity leave, unless dad is also off work then she will be the babies consistent caregiver.

My DD2 wouldn't have cared who she was with, as she was in hospital most of the first 6 months and could only be held once a day for the first 6 weeks in NICU so didn't form a typical bond, but in a healthy baby who has had a normal start to life their bond will be with their primary carer.
My oldest and youngest would cry if I wasn't the one holding them once they were tired despite DP being very involved in evenings and weekends. They were used to me being their comfort throughout the day so when they were tired wanted what was most familiar to them, its natural and trying to say that there is no difference in bond between a baby and the person theyre with 24/7 and the parent who is there 50% or less of their awake time doesn't make any sense.

Yeah, sorry if that doesn't chime in with your pre-conceived ideas about women and mothers, but I am.

Look, I can kind of understand that the barefoot pregnant brigade need to validate their existence in some way, and saying that mothers have some special, magical connections with babies that simply cannot and are not present for fathers, is a way of doing it.

Yeah that's what it is 

Good one, scientist.

DeltaG - for a scientist, you are very prone to logical fallacies.

You don't sound like a scientist...

I'm a pediatric neurology specialist who moonlights as an elite maternity nanny with 40 years experience myself no I'm not

Well, hey, nobody's perfect. And I flawless logical reasoning doesn't seem to a strong point of this thread.