to be unhappy about DH taking our baby abroad?

[SummerForever]

Have name changed here.

AIBU to be unhappy & uncertain about allowing DH to take our 3 month old baby abroad without me?

He’s a fantastic father and there is no issue there.

Trip would be to see his family/my PILs. Short haul flight of 2hrs.

Also his grandmother is going to have her 90th birthday, she has been in poor health for a number of years now so he is concerned that it will be the last time he will get to see her and spend time with her etc.

Also he would like to introduce DS2 to her as it might be last chance. Lots of extended family would like to meet the baby, DH is one of 3 brothers and he has many aunties & uncles.

PILs obviously very keen to see baby again (they came to stay for 1 month when DS2 was a week old).

DH has some leave left and so would like to use it, I’m still on maternity leave so I could technically go as well.

The issue is that the trip would be later this month and so DS1 (aged 6) is in school and would need to be taken out for this.

We have already booked a holiday for next Easter and he will miss 10 days of the school year (long haul trip to USA).

My parents live 4 hours drive away and they both still work so would not be able to come down to look after DS1. More importantly, I would not feel comfortable leaving him here while the 3 of us go off abroad.

AIBU to be telling DH that I just don’t feel comfortable or happy with him taking DS2?

DH is quite upset that I feel this way- I am shocked that he has reacted like this and he is disappointed with my decision etc.

But for me, I think it’s just too soon for the baby to go away without me.

Am I being too clingy? or should I just let him go with DS2?
My gut tells me no but his reaction is making me question my judgement.
DS2 was an IVF baby after a number of years of TTC & miscarriages- I think I might be more over protective of him as a consequence.

What do others think, especially those with a similar aged baby?
I can’t see the wood for the trees!

@SummerForever Hope everything's ok x

If you were to ask Social Services about this, they would STRONGLY advise against this. For the baby's sake as well as the mother's sake....

Op please come back and tell use he's seen sense. Thinking about you

I have read this through and honestly I question DHs motives here. Why is he so keen to go alone? Why can't he spend time at home with you and the baby, given that he's clearly able to get a week off work quite easily.

Oh FGS, I have already said that I'm taking generally and not about the OP's specific situation. I commented upthread that in her situation, I didn't think it was a good idea. RTFT before jumping in with assumptions.

You don't need to persuade him or blind him with science. You don't need to give reasons to justify your feelings. Just tell him that you won't be separated from your baby, you do not give him permission to do that. End of. Any decent man would get it straight away.

This bears repeating:

OP is on maternity leave.
Her husband is working and currently away for work.
Of course she is the primary fucking caregiver.

Yes the father COULD be the primary caregiver if he was on parental leave and the mother was dead or ill or absent or working long hours and/or away.

BUT HE’S NOT.

The parents could be equal caregivers if they literally split everything down the middle, equal time looking after baby, equal split of night wakings, etc.

BUT THEY’RE NOT.

OP, please put your foot down. Now is not the time.

Hello everyone

Thank you for all your posts with thoughts & opinions, it's been good to get different perspectives on this.

One thing I realise through all of this, is to follow my gut instinct.

Some people have said oh just let him go with DS2, he's equally qualified to look after him etc

But I realise that I'm really not comfortable with this- and I'm not prepared to do it just to please everyone else.

I'm quite a people pleaser and will go to lengths to avoid conflict & arguing (a result of having grown up listening to my parents row & constantly argue about everything!)

Also, although my relationship with my MIL is fairly ok, I think part of DH's keenness to take DS2 is so that his mum can have some time with him without me around. And I think she might be driving his persistence.

I know I sound a bit paranoid and maybe unfair but that's how I feel.

I feel threatened by the thought of my baby going away for the week, even if it will be with loving family.

So I've made it clear to DH- he will not be taking DS2 without me.
I think he sees where I'm coming from, he's not that happy but I don't think he's going to fight me about it anymore.

But he's made it clear that he's going to tell all his family that I wouldn't allow him to take DS2.

I've said fine, tell them that- and if his relatives have half an ounce of sense, they will realise why the baby's mother does not wish to be separated from him.

Surely it would be more weird if he turned up with DS2 and not me?

Not sure if this is the last of the debate.

A wider issue is that I feel so very sad that we have argued so much since the birth of DS2, we were never like this with DS1.

Surely things are meant to be more relaxed second time around?!

I feel like I've been expected to be much more chilled out this time around, but I'm not and that to me has made me feel bad.

So DH need to work at sorting out our relationship and adjusting to a 'new normal', that's another pressure playing on my mind.

Good on you OP!!!!!!! Really pleased you've made the right decision xx

In your MILs I would be saying to DH not to bring him without you tbh. I hope she doesn't hold this against you OP and if she does then it doesn't cast her in a good light.

Good for you OP. I’m so pleased you found the strength to stand your ground and advocate for your newborn baby!

But he's made it clear that he's going to tell all his family that I wouldn't allow him to take DS2. what is he 8?! So he’s going to tell on you to mummy?? He’s sounds like a child throwing a strop for not being able to play with a toy
I agree with a PP and from what you’ve written he doesn’t sound like a very empathetic and supportive father and husband right now

Summer, I'm really glad you have made your stance. If he wants to tell his family "Baby isn't coming because Summer said No" So what! Anybody says a word ask them when were they first seperated from their babies for a week?

I can tell you my oldest is 7 the longest we've been apart is 3 days due to a hospital admission. I can't think when else we have been apart so long. I can also tell you the first time I left both my babies, and their first over nights.

We found the first few months tough going from only child to 2 children. Like you our second was much wanted and long awaited. The oldest found it hard when everybody was cooing over the baby and he was no longer centre of attention. I really wish you much getting things sorted with your DH.

I'm so glad you trusted your instincts on this one, Summer.

Just to say that me and my DH really struggled after our second baby. We argued a lot and it was really hard. First baby was much easier on our relationship.

But we did come through it. Think it’s probably quite common.

How often do the in-laws see the baby? Both my husband and I live abroad and have to fly back for any grandparent time; you realize quickly that any meeting could be the last :(

Of course, I took my DC to see my family without DH (20 hour flight) at 3 months for 3 weeks, he didn’t like it, but knew it was important to me. I’ve done it once more in the following months.

If the extended family is there, I don’t see the problem as the baby will have lots of caregivers and at that age do not really discriminate much.

Of course he feels strongly to bring his baby home. When is the next time he will get that opportunity?

I agree I wouldn't consider it for a 12 week old baby. They don't understand what's going on, other than everything they know is different and mummy isn't there.

I think the American trip is relevant because you both knew you'd be having a baby when deciding to spend holiday time/money on the trip. It was more important to you both to have the weddings/extended trip than taking the children to his family in Italy. Otherwise the Italy trip would be booked first, and the USA being the can we/can't we decision.

It was more important to you both to have the weddings/extended trip than taking the children to his family in Italy. Otherwise the Italy trip would be booked first, and the USA being the can we/can't we decision

Also this. Seems to me that the in-laws would take the priority during the first year or so.

Pineapple the huge difference is that you were / are probably your baby's primary care giver Summers DH isn't the baby's primary care giver.

As primary care giver when did you have a week or more apart from your child?

If the extended family is there, I don’t see the problem as the baby will have lots of caregivers and at that age do not really discriminate much.

This again

Yes babies do discriminate. It’s not about there being people there to care for the baby (change nappies etc) it’s about the emotional bond between a baby and it’s prim care giver. Separation from this person is traumatic for the baby

How can so many parents be so ignorant of babies basic emotional needs???

*primary not prim

Absofrigginglootly It's beyond belief isn't it how many people are willing to put family wants before a baby or mums (primary carer - better clarify ffs!) needs.

I actually wonder if people are just trying to stir things up or are they really that selfish. If they are that selfish no wonder there are so many MIL/DIL battles.

Another one who finds the level of ignorance on this thread about babies’ bonds with their primary caregiver(s) absolutely staggering.

Developmental neuroscience shows how important those early maternal bonds are for frontal lobe development (empathy, love, reciprocity, morality etc).... maybe those lacking in empathy on this thread had attachment problems - certainly the case for my mil... she has the emotional intelligence and empathy of a brick and a very damaging childhood. AvoidingDM she is exactly the sort of mil you read about on here and interestingly was constantly trying to separate me from my newborn DD....! (We are NC now for many many (abusive) reasons)

Separation from this person is traumatic for the baby. How can so many parents be so ignorant of babies basic emotional needs???

Would you condemn people for putting their child into daycare this early? Six weeks maternity leave is quite common in the US after all.

And wtaf? The father will be with the baby! The baby will be with family as well! It’s not like the baby will be languishing in an orphanage for a week. He’ll be loved and cared for by relatives.

One week is not a lot to ask, is my point. The baby will not be emotionally damaged as he will be with his father and loving relatives.

She’s BU—I was desperate for my baby to meet my family (and my very elderly grandparents), who cannot travel overseas due to their advanced age. This is my perspective as someone who lives very, very far from their family.

@PineapplePower

So how old were your DC when your DH took them abroad for a visit without you?