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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be unhappy about DH taking our baby abroad?

515 replies

SummerForever · 05/11/2018 13:29

Have name changed here.

AIBU to be unhappy & uncertain about allowing DH to take our 3 month old baby abroad without me?

He’s a fantastic father and there is no issue there.

Trip would be to see his family/my PILs. Short haul flight of 2hrs.

Also his grandmother is going to have her 90th birthday, she has been in poor health for a number of years now so he is concerned that it will be the last time he will get to see her and spend time with her etc.

Also he would like to introduce DS2 to her as it might be last chance. Lots of extended family would like to meet the baby, DH is one of 3 brothers and he has many aunties & uncles.

PILs obviously very keen to see baby again (they came to stay for 1 month when DS2 was a week old).

DH has some leave left and so would like to use it, I’m still on maternity leave so I could technically go as well.

The issue is that the trip would be later this month and so DS1 (aged 6) is in school and would need to be taken out for this.

We have already booked a holiday for next Easter and he will miss 10 days of the school year (long haul trip to USA).

My parents live 4 hours drive away and they both still work so would not be able to come down to look after DS1. More importantly, I would not feel comfortable leaving him here while the 3 of us go off abroad.

AIBU to be telling DH that I just don’t feel comfortable or happy with him taking DS2?

DH is quite upset that I feel this way- I am shocked that he has reacted like this and he is disappointed with my decision etc.

But for me, I think it’s just too soon for the baby to go away without me.

Am I being too clingy? or should I just let him go with DS2?
My gut tells me no but his reaction is making me question my judgement.
DS2 was an IVF baby after a number of years of TTC & miscarriages- I think I might be more over protective of him as a consequence.

What do others think, especially those with a similar aged baby?
I can’t see the wood for the trees!

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 09/11/2018 13:34

Could you go with your ds1 from Friday to Monday so ds1 only misses 2 days off school. And then do stays the extra 3 days?

Absofrigginlootly · 09/11/2018 13:38

Yes they can be.

If no one else is available even wolves can be the primary attachment figure for a human infant ffs

I have never said that father cannot be the primary attachment figure.

What I am saying is that in mammals nature has designed that the mother is supposed to be the primary attachment figure in infancy. And separation from the primary attachment figure is traumatic for the infant.

As is the case in the OPs family - which is the point of the thread, no?

3WildOnes · 09/11/2018 13:45

In the Ops case and in most cases in our culture the mother is the primary caregiver. Of course it doesn’t have to be the mother, but it usually is. A three month old baby is so small and has spent nine months living inside its mother I definitely think it could be traumatic to be separated for an extended period.

DeltaG · 09/11/2018 14:02

Your logic flawed; you're saying that 1) in mammals the primary caregiver is the mother, 2) humans are mammals, 3) separation from the primary caregiver is traumatic, so ergo 4) separation of human babies from their mother is traumatic.

No, sorry. And neither can wolves be primary caregivers for human babies 🤯

3WildOnes · 09/11/2018 14:09

I think Abso is just saying that in most cases the mother is the primary care giver, as in line with the rest of the natural world.
I think if the father had taken leave and fed the baby and the mother had returned to work then it would be traumatic for the baby to be separated from the father for a long period of time. S he would be the primary caregiver. But this is very rarely the case.

Absofrigginlootly · 09/11/2018 14:19

I was being facetious.... there have been cases of feral children being raised by wolves hasnt there?

That’s by the by.

I feel like this is turning into semantics and I feel I’ve made my opinion as clear as I can so I’m going to bid you adeiu Smile

Original poster
SummerForever · 09/11/2018 21:38

Wow my original question has certainly generated some interesting debate and reference to various evidence, studies etc

I dunno, all I know is that I've cared for my DS2 constantly since he was born and I just do not feel ready to have an enforced separation for 1 week.

DH gets back a bit later tonight, we'll be discussing things more tomorrow.

From the few evening chats we've had this week, I feel like we're going round in circles.

He feels like he's missed out on the early months as he's been so busy with work and says he'd like some time to bond as well.

I understand where he's coming from but I just don't feel it's the right moment- DS2 is just far too young at the moment.

I've tentatively suggested a long weekend, but DH is concerned with cost (as am I) and to be blunt, I get the feeling he would like to go alone with DS2 and for me to remain here with DS1.

He's put it to me that I could have a chilled out week to myself etc
I do understand, but again it all feels too soon and slightly forced on me.

Thank you all for your input thoughts & opinions. Am sure I'll be back posting over the weekend.

OP posts:
Absofrigginlootly · 09/11/2018 21:45

He feels like he's missed out on the early months as he's been so busy with work and says he'd like some time to bond as well.

The time to bond is when the baby is happy and comfortable. Will be happily chilled out being held by him, smiling etc. It is not when the baby is traumatised by being separated from his primary care giver.

He's put it to me that I could have a chilled out week to myself etc. I do understand, but again it all feels too soon and slightly forced on me.

He doesn’t seem to understand how it works at all. Does he think you’ll be all relaxed and care free enjoying your baby free “holiday”?? I would be beside myself, climbing the walls and pacing like a caged animal if separated for a prolonged period from my newborn baby.

Don’t do it!

Absofrigginlootly · 09/11/2018 21:47

And not because I’m a controlling anxious mother but because that’s a normal response to a well bonded mother being separated from her newborn baby

Quartz2208 · 09/11/2018 21:54

Hold on just because he has missed out he now wants you too

Im not sure I like this at all OP it sounds off say NO

AvoidingDM · 09/11/2018 22:13

What Absofrigginglootly just said. No chance will you be relaxed without your baby.

Baby's want their mum. You are the person LO knows and trusts 100%.

Both my kids have a good bond with their Dad. When DS1 was born DH was away most weeks for 3 nights.

He needs to do stuff with both kids when he is around. Not march of with LO leaving you both stressed out

AvoidingDM · 09/11/2018 22:17

Not to mention how upset your 6yo is going to be. He's probably still coming to grips with the competition for attention and Daddy is only wanting his brother not him. How to destroy the bond there.

Santaispolishinghissleigh · 09/11/2018 22:37

Visiting family isn't bonding time for him is it? Doubt he will get much of a look in tbh.

AvoidingDM · 10/11/2018 07:04

Op I'm overly invested in this because I know I could not let my 18mth old to go away for a week. 7yo yes.

My LO has just been in hospital, strange place, unwell, unhappy, every wakened moment he wanted to be in my arms (or DH if he was there). I came back from the loo to find him in a nurses arms still crying. As he was discharged I ended up getting help to the car as other parents couldn't bare to listen to him cry while I packed up and did a double run with bags then him.

I honestly don't think your DH has thought through any of it. He's seeing it as you've had 121 time, I want 121 time. Has he had any time 121 with LO? What's the plan B if baby just won't settle, cry himself to sleep? It's not like you'd be a 15min drive away.

I can't imagine how my eldest would have taken to being told 'Baby's going on holiday with Daddy, you can't go because of school'. At 3 months the novelty of being a big brother was wearing off, the reality of having to share attention was kicking in.

Absofrigginlootly · 10/11/2018 08:09

I feel overly invested too probably because I have a similar aged baby and would be heartbroken to be separated from him for a week. I also agree with AvoidingDM that older sibling will be upset by this too, my DD certainly would be.

What’s most concerning from your posts is almost this tone of passive resignation, as though you don’t feel like you can disagree and assert yourself with your DH. I get the feeling you don’t feel like you can stop this from happening?? I hope I’m wrong Sad Thinking of that poor confused newborn suddenly separated from its mother, surrounded by strange places, people, the sensations of a plane and it’s primary source of security, love and comfort gone really upsets me. Because despite what some people have said babies are not a sack of unaware, unfeeling potatoes

DeltaG · 10/11/2018 08:12

@AvoidingDM

You cannot make blanket statements like 'babies want their mum'. It depends on a whole range of factors. DH's cousins were adopted at birth and they didn't want their biological mother, they wanted their adopted parents, who were the primary caregivers.

DeltaG · 10/11/2018 08:14

Logical fallacy bingo eh? Latest one; appeal to emotion.

Absofrigginlootly · 10/11/2018 08:20

DH's cousins were adopted at birth and they didn't want their biological mother, they wanted their adopted parents, who were the primary caregivers.

Yes exactly. And in this case the mum is the primary care giver

AvoidingDM · 10/11/2018 08:25

Delta stop trying to pick holes in things people say.
Can you imagine one adoptive parent saying to the other adoptive parent- sod you I'm fucking off on holiday with baby and you not coming?
I'm sure SS would have something to say. In fact in Scotland the legal paperwork probably wouldn't even be completed at 13weeks so no passport.

GabriellaMontez · 10/11/2018 09:09

Chilled out week???!!! When your baby is hundreds of miles away ? What planet is he on.

You talk about what a good dad he is but honestly, this pressure to take the baby abroad for a week after you've said you wouldn't be comfortable isn't the behaviour of a good dad or husband.

user1499173618 · 10/11/2018 09:12

The point is, Delta, that the OP is her DS2’s primary caregiver. This cannot be changed. She and him will have horrendous separation anxiety if they are forced to spend a week apart.

Absofrigginlootly · 10/11/2018 16:47

OP did you speak to your DH today? Hope it went well

thegrinningfox · 10/11/2018 18:01

Onee of the sddest threads I have read in a while

Harebellmeadow · 10/11/2018 20:46

Please dont do it. It sounds as if you will
be distraught and this could have longer term emotional implications for everyone. You atr fully entitled to say no.

TheSheepofWallSt · 10/11/2018 21:26

this thread makes me queasy

OP I hope your H listens to you; this feels like an abusive situation if he doesn't - forcefully separating, or pressuring a mother to separate from a newborn baby is inhuman.