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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be unhappy about DH taking our baby abroad?

515 replies

SummerForever · 05/11/2018 13:29

Have name changed here.

AIBU to be unhappy & uncertain about allowing DH to take our 3 month old baby abroad without me?

He’s a fantastic father and there is no issue there.

Trip would be to see his family/my PILs. Short haul flight of 2hrs.

Also his grandmother is going to have her 90th birthday, she has been in poor health for a number of years now so he is concerned that it will be the last time he will get to see her and spend time with her etc.

Also he would like to introduce DS2 to her as it might be last chance. Lots of extended family would like to meet the baby, DH is one of 3 brothers and he has many aunties & uncles.

PILs obviously very keen to see baby again (they came to stay for 1 month when DS2 was a week old).

DH has some leave left and so would like to use it, I’m still on maternity leave so I could technically go as well.

The issue is that the trip would be later this month and so DS1 (aged 6) is in school and would need to be taken out for this.

We have already booked a holiday for next Easter and he will miss 10 days of the school year (long haul trip to USA).

My parents live 4 hours drive away and they both still work so would not be able to come down to look after DS1. More importantly, I would not feel comfortable leaving him here while the 3 of us go off abroad.

AIBU to be telling DH that I just don’t feel comfortable or happy with him taking DS2?

DH is quite upset that I feel this way- I am shocked that he has reacted like this and he is disappointed with my decision etc.

But for me, I think it’s just too soon for the baby to go away without me.

Am I being too clingy? or should I just let him go with DS2?
My gut tells me no but his reaction is making me question my judgement.
DS2 was an IVF baby after a number of years of TTC & miscarriages- I think I might be more over protective of him as a consequence.

What do others think, especially those with a similar aged baby?
I can’t see the wood for the trees!

OP posts:
3WildOnes · 06/11/2018 19:10

I wouldn’t spend a night away from my baby at that age through choice let alone a whole week. I think an extended separation at 12 weeks could negatively impact attachment.

Rayn · 06/11/2018 19:10

I agree that the baby needs
Mum. The bonding process is still establishing at that age. The first nine months are so important.

Frazzledstar1 · 06/11/2018 19:28

Could you not compromise and you go with dc1 for part of the week? Just take him out of school for 1 or 2 days? Or could dh just go for a long weekend rather than a week?

Fowles94 · 06/11/2018 19:42

It's not just your baby it's his too but a week is a long time xx

Desperado40 · 06/11/2018 19:58

Strange for your dh to even suggest that tbh. He is not a primary caregiver at the moment. It’s one thing leaving baby in his care at home, another, dragging a baby to a foreign country for a week without mum. Sod the extended family-sorry but to your baby they are a bunch of strangers at the moment, and why would you leave the baby to be cared by them without you around. I wouldn’t at that age. Also, do you know and trust that all the dh family who would potentially look after your small baby have the same parenting outlook as you?
Sorry, but your dh sounds selfish to me. My family lives abroad-I personally didn’t feel up for travelling with a small baby to see them and they understood that.

Sara107 · 06/11/2018 20:13

I would find it very odd to separate a breast fed baby from his Mum for a week. Even if you have a lot of expressed milk frozen, how would dh keep if frozen for a two hour flight? Including travel to the airport, 2 hr checkin and then travel at the other end plus any delays he could be travelling a long time. The milk would have to go as checked in baggage, suppose it got lost?

TPOD74 · 06/11/2018 20:16

Yes

AperolSprizting · 06/11/2018 20:20

For the love of all that is sacred of course you’re not being unreasonable!!!! Why on earth would any Mother even consider sending their 3 month old baby abroad for over a week. The poor baby. Sorry but anyone even slightly encouraging OP to do that needs to reevaluate their lives. I haven’t even got time to type all the reasons why this would be a terrible idea. Have the people who are suggesting it had babies?!? My lo is 14 weeks and it makes my heart hurt to think of him being without me for a week. Crazy! Then there’s all the practicalities. Sure I’ve left him with my DH for a morning or afternoon a few times since 8 weeks but wouldn’t even be considering overnight without me.

I do however think you’re being unreasonable about not taking your eldest child out. He’s 6, I hardly think a weeks going to be make or break at that age. But the best compromise would be a long weekend as people have said. You might find a week or more of family time a bit ‘much’ anyway!

Hope you get sorted. And do not be made to feel bad for not wanting to leave your baby.

cherish123 · 06/11/2018 20:36

You can't really take a six yr old out of school twice. Could DH go in the school hols with you and both kids. I know it's a party. I would not want DH to but then I took my DC (1yr old) abroad without DH, so I cannot really complain.

Teacher22 · 06/11/2018 20:40

Go with your DH and don’t let the baby out of your sight. If you cannot, don’t let him take the baby.

babbscrabbs · 06/11/2018 20:41

I'd take the six year old out with you and all go, but try to limit it to maybe 2-3 days off school.

Armadillostoes · 06/11/2018 20:46

I think that the 90 year old.grandmother is a relevant consideration, although at 3 months old the baby is very young to be away from you. Why not just compromise and take the 6 year old out of school? Six is old enough that they might remember having met a great grandparent in later years. That surely is worth missing school for as a potential last opportunity?

olympicsrock · 06/11/2018 20:47

No way would I have been away from my three month old baby for more than 8 hours! Utter madness, I’m sure he would cope but you and your baby may be distressed. Not necessary.

NotBeforeCoffee · 06/11/2018 20:52

I would not have been separated from my 3 month old!
As you are breastfeeding, the separation will also have a negative affect on your supply

HarveyNickNacks · 06/11/2018 21:04

Blimey. So much unnecessary angst. Just take your 6 year old out of school and go as a family.

My DS, aged 8, missed nearly a year of school due to a serious illness. He caught up without too much difficulty. The really serious stuff doesn't start until they get to high school. And he's got ten years before he'll be taking GCSEs or whatever they'll be called by then.

Seriously, just go.

Mummyof0ne · 06/11/2018 21:15

No you are not being unreasonable

HauntedPencil · 06/11/2018 21:16

I think that there are compelling reasons he'd want to go, take your elder child out of school and go.

Pinotwoman82 · 06/11/2018 21:21

Oh please all go, at 6 he won’t miss anything vital, if it was year 5 or year 6 it would be different? you never know what’s round the corner, all go and enjoy it

homebirds · 06/11/2018 21:41

No way!!! As pp said let him go for week and take the dc for the weekend.

howrudeforme · 06/11/2018 21:46

Hmm so when you planned big US trip borne of dh cousin and dh friend wedding did he not at any point think about the time ds1 needed off school given his gran had a big bd coming up.

The fact you’re considering stopping bfeeding is being used by him.

No way I’d want my 3 month old away from me. You suggest he’d rather take baby on his own. Go with them and take ds2 and just stay long weekend.

No doubt dcousin, dsiblings, duncles will all be having events he’ll want to attend. You need to go as a family.

You’re amazing you hosted pils for one month! I had my mil over for 3 weeks and it was the opposite of helpful.

Compromise on this by going together. Baby doesn’t go without you.

Then gently draw up boundaries. I don’t think this is a one off.

When did ds1 first travel without you?

alisonrs · 06/11/2018 21:49

I hate to say this as I obviously don't know you and I don't know what country your other half is going to but you should think about the fact that some men take their children to visit their families and they then never return after abducting their children. It's a hard truth and one that women think will never happen to them.......
I for one would never leave my 3 month old baby to go on such a trip without me. YANBU!

Naturalspirit82 · 06/11/2018 22:10

I would not be separated from my baby x

Annette69 · 06/11/2018 22:30

Hi, I think your husband should go for the week. You leave your 6 year old with friends or family and you go out with the baby Fri-Sunday. If all else fails, he goes on his own and you Face Time with the baby. I wouldn’t let my husband carry the baby round in the sling as was so worried he would fall, let alone take him away for a week !!

Maryann1975 · 06/11/2018 22:39

No way would I have let dh take the dc away for a week at that age. Nor would he have asked as he would have known I couldn’t cope without the baby. I hadn’t even had an evening out when dc1 was 3 months old because I couldn’t stand to leave her. Dh was really supportive of this.
Either take older dc out of school or go for a weekend instead.

nellieellie · 06/11/2018 22:49

I have 2 DCs. There is absolutely no way on earth, I’d have agreed to separation from either at that age. It’s not a question of trusting the DH, it’s about the bond between mother and child. If you’re breastfeeding, a week away could seriously compromise supply so that you can’t do it afterwards. Your DH is being VVU. Either go all together, taking your 6 yr old out of school, or don’t go at all.