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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be unhappy about DH taking our baby abroad?

515 replies

SummerForever · 05/11/2018 13:29

Have name changed here.

AIBU to be unhappy & uncertain about allowing DH to take our 3 month old baby abroad without me?

He’s a fantastic father and there is no issue there.

Trip would be to see his family/my PILs. Short haul flight of 2hrs.

Also his grandmother is going to have her 90th birthday, she has been in poor health for a number of years now so he is concerned that it will be the last time he will get to see her and spend time with her etc.

Also he would like to introduce DS2 to her as it might be last chance. Lots of extended family would like to meet the baby, DH is one of 3 brothers and he has many aunties & uncles.

PILs obviously very keen to see baby again (they came to stay for 1 month when DS2 was a week old).

DH has some leave left and so would like to use it, I’m still on maternity leave so I could technically go as well.

The issue is that the trip would be later this month and so DS1 (aged 6) is in school and would need to be taken out for this.

We have already booked a holiday for next Easter and he will miss 10 days of the school year (long haul trip to USA).

My parents live 4 hours drive away and they both still work so would not be able to come down to look after DS1. More importantly, I would not feel comfortable leaving him here while the 3 of us go off abroad.

AIBU to be telling DH that I just don’t feel comfortable or happy with him taking DS2?

DH is quite upset that I feel this way- I am shocked that he has reacted like this and he is disappointed with my decision etc.

But for me, I think it’s just too soon for the baby to go away without me.

Am I being too clingy? or should I just let him go with DS2?
My gut tells me no but his reaction is making me question my judgement.
DS2 was an IVF baby after a number of years of TTC & miscarriages- I think I might be more over protective of him as a consequence.

What do others think, especially those with a similar aged baby?
I can’t see the wood for the trees!

OP posts:
Absofrigginlootly · 06/11/2018 14:33

Even women in prison aren't seperated from babies because of the damage to infants.

Excellent point. Surely without such compelling evidence about the damaging effects of maternal separation on newborns the state wouldn’t fund the additional costs of mother and baby units in prisons and would just hand the baby over to the next available care giver (father, grandparents, the next door neighbours aunt?) since care givers are - apparently - interchangeable in the eyes of the baby

GabriellaMontez · 06/11/2018 14:41

I'd like to know great grandma's thoughts on separating 12 week old babies from their mums.

Harebellmeadow · 06/11/2018 15:32

No way would i let DH take my baby away for a week till it was three.

Harebellmeadow · 06/11/2018 15:34

Three years old. Not months.
Major Attachment issues. Breastfeeding will be disturbed. And the baby too. Really unfair. And rather selfish of your DH and his family.
I would be screaming and weeping the whole week, a 3 month old is still within the fourth trimester and ought not without emergency reasons be separated from its mother.

PoisonousSmurf · 06/11/2018 15:36

Anyway, I thought that both parents had to be present when traveling with a child and if the other parent was away they had to write a letter of permission.

GaryWilmottsTeeth · 06/11/2018 15:50

I had to spend 3 days/2nights away from DD when she was 10 weeks old. It wasn't nice at all. She was at home with DH and my DM and I knew she was being very well cared for, but she wasn't with me

I felt unsettled the whole time.

Cherries101 · 06/11/2018 15:54

If a baby that young needs to see a dying family member then mummy should go with it not daddy.

Santaisgettingbusy · 06/11/2018 16:46

So ds 1 can't miss school but you /ds2 can miss each other? He is fucking weird!!

Quartz2208 · 06/11/2018 17:15

He is being selfish I think but I suspect that is the way of your relationship

It’s too much and the trip will only really benefit him showing off his child. I think you are right to say no

Mummadeeze · 06/11/2018 17:35

You are not being unreasonable. I would find it weird if you were happy to take a week away from your 3 month old baby. I would go for the cheapest part of the Xmas holidays as a family if I were you.

Tessabelle1 · 06/11/2018 17:38

So you say he's a great Dad then basically say he wouldn't cope without you? If you would go on your own then trust your husband and enjoy the extra time with your first DC

Theluckynumberthree · 06/11/2018 17:52

I wouldn’t let my 3 month go either- abroad or this country for a week without me

beefybb · 06/11/2018 18:05

No way 3 MTHS old baby can't be away from mum no way would my children even my 9 yr old go to another country with out me I couldn't sleep for worry

thewrinklefairy · 06/11/2018 18:07

You should teach your children the importance of family traditions and relationships - not sure that he is going to learn as much in a Christmas term at school.
I would go and take DS1 out of school - let both your children and your DH enjoy the company of family. Not many things more important to teach at this age, in my opinion.
I would definitely go as a family.

Original poster
SummerForever · 06/11/2018 18:10

He is a fantastic dad and I've got no concerns about how he will cope- there will be extended family there etc.

As I talked about upthread, it's more to do with the fact that DS2 will not be with me for that length of time.

I'm not calling into question whether DH/anybody else is capable of changing a nappy, feeding a baby.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts & opinions, really interesting to read over them.

OP posts:
Tomboytown · 06/11/2018 18:20

He can be the best Dad in the world, but if the baby has just given up breast feeding and away from his Mum, he’s likely to be unsettled for a long trip. I know the flights only 2 hours, but add on 2 hours for checkin, travel to and from airports, being with unfamiliar people. I think he’ll need you.
However, in your position,I’d go. I’d cut it to a long weekend, or even the weekend, if the issue is ds1 schooling.

perfectstorm · 06/11/2018 18:21

I think focus on the needs of the baby. I can't see how it's in the best interests of a 3 month old baby to suddenly spend a week parted from his mother. The reality is that a baby is intensely closely bonded with their mum at that age, especially as you've been on maternity leave and the SAHP, and breastfeeding.

I appreciate that the extended family would love to see the baby, but as they seem okay with not seeing the 6 year old I'm sure they will cope - your IL have after all spent one of the three months of your baby's life in the same house. I'm not so sure the baby will cope unscathed. That's a huge length of time for a very, very small baby.

I wouldn't do it. It just doesn't seem child-centred to me at all. It's totally about the wants of the adults and not at all about the needs of an infant.

incywincybitofa · 06/11/2018 18:21

I think it is important for DS2 to have you and you to have him. And the reluctance to be away from him is a primal response from you, and part of the bonding.
After you explained about the wedding what struck me is this;
Your DH's friend is getting married and his cousin, so you both decided to go and make a family holiday of it, all very reasonable.
Grandma's birthday isn't a moveable feast or a one off event, your DH must have realised that grandma would be turning 90 and having a party and that might be the only chance for her to meet DS2 and, see you all one last time.
Back then was probably when your DH should have raised this. Given that he didn't, it is a bit unfair to try and guilt you into agreeing to this because suddenly he feels bad.

perfectstorm · 06/11/2018 18:31

Incidentally: DH and I will clearly need to discuss this further- he is away abroad on a work trip this week I think that's quite telling, really. It explains part of why he doesn't understand the issue - he can be away from the baby and there's no issue - but also explains why there IS a problem, in that you are the primary attachment figure and your baby's security.

Some people have different set-ups and that's fine. Some have full shared care, some have a father as the SAHP. You don't.

I also find it interesting that when a MIL wants a baby this age overnight, the almost unanimous view is always that the best interests of the baby are the focus and being parted from you isn't in those interests. So I don't get why a week abroad away from you is? It's also the case that when a couple split and a very small breastfed baby is at issue, the recommended contact arrangements are little and often, so the baby isn't away from their mother too long. Again, where the interests of the baby take precedence over the wants of the parents, parting mother and child for any length of time is frowned upon. The contact split lengthens as the child grows, and can manage apart.

I think your instincts are already telling you the answer, here.

Uniquack · 06/11/2018 18:41

Yanbu. Hell would freeze over before I was away from my 3 month old for a week!!!

^^ This

GlomOfNit · 06/11/2018 18:45

So you're mixed-feeding - which means that, to your very young baby, at least part of the time he gets access to mummysmell, mummymilk, mummyholding. That's extremely important and no amount of being handed round the grannies and aunties is going to make him feel better about NO MUMMY for a whole week. How do you expect a 3 month old baby to process the concept that mummy who has always been there is no longer there? Or that this new state of affairs isn't permanent?

You also mention that your DH has said 'well, you were going to give up bf anyway' - this isn't an uncommon scenario, where the dad 'decides' that enough is enough and maybe even engineers circumstances where you'd have to stop. Don't take any of that shit, OP! You have a special bond with your baby because you are breastfeeding, and it can't be replicated by other blood relatives. And stopping abruptly might lead to blocked ducts, mastitis etc. That's aside from both of you feeling bloody awful at the separation! I wouldn't be considering it for a minute.

From personal experience, families in 'traditional' southern European societies can sometimes be quite overbearing and want to 'own' the baby a lot - sod the mother - and I think this may be happening here. Your DH isn't the only parent and the baby isn't a trophy to be brought home and paraded.

badg3r · 06/11/2018 18:52

I would not have been able to do this. 3 months is so young, they need you at that age and there is no benefit to this trip for your DC2 but many many negatives. Maybe you can all go for the weekend?

cushioncovers · 06/11/2018 18:54

Nope there's no way I would of let my baby be away from me for a week.

Bonnieb168 · 06/11/2018 18:56

You are definitely not being unreasonable - i don't think theres anyway I'd let my baby be seperated from me for a week at that age! My 4 year old went camping with his grandparents for a week this year and that was bad enough for me! But I am probably an overly anxious parent!

Mumoflove · 06/11/2018 19:04

The baby is too young to be separated from his mother. Enough said.