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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be unhappy about DH taking our baby abroad?

515 replies

SummerForever · 05/11/2018 13:29

Have name changed here.

AIBU to be unhappy & uncertain about allowing DH to take our 3 month old baby abroad without me?

He’s a fantastic father and there is no issue there.

Trip would be to see his family/my PILs. Short haul flight of 2hrs.

Also his grandmother is going to have her 90th birthday, she has been in poor health for a number of years now so he is concerned that it will be the last time he will get to see her and spend time with her etc.

Also he would like to introduce DS2 to her as it might be last chance. Lots of extended family would like to meet the baby, DH is one of 3 brothers and he has many aunties & uncles.

PILs obviously very keen to see baby again (they came to stay for 1 month when DS2 was a week old).

DH has some leave left and so would like to use it, I’m still on maternity leave so I could technically go as well.

The issue is that the trip would be later this month and so DS1 (aged 6) is in school and would need to be taken out for this.

We have already booked a holiday for next Easter and he will miss 10 days of the school year (long haul trip to USA).

My parents live 4 hours drive away and they both still work so would not be able to come down to look after DS1. More importantly, I would not feel comfortable leaving him here while the 3 of us go off abroad.

AIBU to be telling DH that I just don’t feel comfortable or happy with him taking DS2?

DH is quite upset that I feel this way- I am shocked that he has reacted like this and he is disappointed with my decision etc.

But for me, I think it’s just too soon for the baby to go away without me.

Am I being too clingy? or should I just let him go with DS2?
My gut tells me no but his reaction is making me question my judgement.
DS2 was an IVF baby after a number of years of TTC & miscarriages- I think I might be more over protective of him as a consequence.

What do others think, especially those with a similar aged baby?
I can’t see the wood for the trees!

OP posts:
Kool4katz · 06/11/2018 22:55

Why can’t you just do a long week-end as a family with DS1 and DS2, go Friday and return Monday? Presumably, the essential part is for GGran to meet DS2. The extended relatives can meet DS2 at a later date.

ColdCottage · 06/11/2018 23:01

I wouldn't want to be away for my baby at that age for more than 24h let alone a week. Maybe at 6-8 months a few days would be fine but 3 months is still so tiny.

Don't feel guilty and always follow your gut.

JessieMayBurton · 06/11/2018 23:35

My boy is 17 months and I still wouldn’t let him go. So you’re not being over protective at all, go with your gut xx

RubyBoots7 · 06/11/2018 23:48

YANBU at all.
I wouldnt be away from my baby for a week now, and they are much older than your dc. I'm saying this as a Mum who has left the baby with their Dad or others overnight and once for a weekend. I trust their Dad and the others who looked after dc completely.
I'd hate it but more importantly, I'm thinking about how it would feel for the baby to have their primary caregiver suddenly disappear for a week, esp when they are just coming out of the third trimester. I can understand why your DH wants to go for the visit but I think it's in the baby's best interests not to be separated from you like that. So the answer for me would be for you to go, either for a shorter time with the baby, or have to take your son out of school. Not ideal, but best option imo.

manicmij · 07/11/2018 00:42

Wouldn't give it a second thought given all the family reasons you mention. A week isn't long. Just consider you could be hospitalised for say a broken leg for a week, would you not expect to be separated from baby then. You praise your DH and there will be doting relatives to do caring. Enjoy your time with DD2.

Eatmycheese · 07/11/2018 00:49

No, I would not want to be apart from my three month old baby for a week for this reason. So YANBU

Nonomore2 · 07/11/2018 00:58

A baby this young has no understanding that you will come back. You will have just disappeared from their world for 7 whole days. I know it is sometimes unavoidable but this situation is a choice..
i would not even consider it. My baby is 5 months old.
I’m surprised your husband thought you’d just easily agree- I think it was obvious it would be a hard decision

RockinHippy · 07/11/2018 01:13

Honestly, go, take your 6 year old too. The school will accept a family members 90th birthday, especially in the circumstances, as a valid reason for term time holiday

Nonomore2 · 07/11/2018 01:14

I was trying not to be too dramatic so toned my language down but on reflection i’ll Say what I really think..
please don’t let it happen. The idea of a 3 month old crying for their mummy for 7 days and suffering that kind of world-imploding sense of loss NEEDLESSLY is awful.

RockinHippy · 07/11/2018 01:16

& no, YADNBU, I couldn't have been away from mine at that age & quite a bit longer. It's biology

stayathomer · 07/11/2018 06:19

Your 6yo isn't going to experience anything life changing in school in one week, just make sure this is the only year that you take out for holidays. Neither of you are being unreasonable but I think if the roles were reversed you'd take both your 6yo and 3mth old without thinking. I really strongly think a 3month old shouldn't go without mother so tbh I think you have to go, your DH deserves for his family to meet the baby

AvoidingDM · 07/11/2018 07:44

Just consider you could be hospitalised for say a broken leg for a week, would you not expect to be separated from baby then

Actually there is a huge difference, hospitals have visiting times and I'm sure they'd do what they could to minimise the stress to both mum and baby ie extended visiting times with gran parents helping.

3 months is tiny. Most parents are barely ready to have an evening out never mind holiday for a week.

AroundTheWorldIn80Days · 07/11/2018 07:54

If I was in your position I would want to go with them and would take your 6 year old out of school. It will be a bit awkward as you already have 10 days booked but I would talk to the headteacher and explain the situation. It may be authorised. If not, then it will be likely you will be fined for one of the trips as when it goes over 10 days the LEA tends to take it more seriously ime. However, it is just a fine (£60 per parent per week usually so £120 per week in your instance) and I would argue that would be worth the trip if it is that important to your husband. It’s not like it’s a trip that will happen every year and I’m sure your 6 year old would really enjoy seeing his family too and have some lovely memories of the trip.

canyouhearthedrums · 07/11/2018 08:02

I'm surprised you're ok with your ds1 missing 10 days next year but reluctant to let him miss 5 this year. I would all go, make a bit of a holiday out of it. You r IL's sound like they're invested in your dc which is lovely. I would tell the sch ool apologetically that you have to take ds1 out as his ggm is ill and you want her to meet ds2.

Tessabelle1 · 07/11/2018 08:06

How on earth do the babies of single fathers manage without this vital mothers input? Are you all claiming those children are in some way damaged goods? Three month old babies are only particularly bothered they get fed, changed and loved, there will be no long lasting damage caused by a week of being cared for by Dad and the extended family. (and yes, I have four kids, all of whom prefer Daddy at times!)

timeisnotaline · 07/11/2018 08:11

Your dh is away. He can go away without baby and not worry too much. This is probably contributing to him not understand that it’s not the same, that you can’t even think about being away from your baby for a whole week. I wouldn’t leave my baby for a night when they are under 6m, I just couldn’t and dh wouldn’t expect me to. You are the primary caregiver and shouldn’t be separated from your baby without severe need. I understand wanting to see his gran but her birthday will not be the best occasion. If she is frail she will be struggling to get through the night, to follow conversations and remember names. If she isn’t struggling health wise going a little later would be fine.
I find it very uncaring of your husband to just think it should be fine.

Twofingers · 07/11/2018 08:14

Your baby may experience the separation as a trauma.
For your six year old going abroad with his family will be far more beneficial than a week in school.

HSMMaCM · 07/11/2018 08:15

Tessabelle this baby is breast fed, so harder to detach from the mother.

Either all go, or DH shows grandma videos, or a Skype chat, or maybe your DS could stay with a school friend for a week.

user1499173618 · 07/11/2018 08:18

If you have been with your baby everyday since birth, a week apart is way too much for both of you. Please don’t attempt to be led astray here.

user1499173618 · 07/11/2018 08:21

Why don’t you talk this through with your HV or GP? They may help you work out a solution that everyone understands.

Witchesbritches · 07/11/2018 08:59

You praise your DH and there will be doting relatives to do caring

Holy fuck. Honestly. Do you realise it’s 2018?

‘Praise the DH?’ What for?
‘Doting relatives to do caring’. Why? Because, god forbid, a man couldn’t do it?

Praise the selfish idiot for thinking it’s fine to take a 3 month old baby away from it’s mum to show it off to family, but leave the mum at home to look after the 6 year old who you don’t want to take out of school?

Annette69 · 07/11/2018 09:15

Tess - a 3 month old baby does not prefer Daddy as he sadly has no breasts.

Carrie80 · 07/11/2018 09:17

If this was the other way round there would be no problem he is the father you can not go so why should he miss out.

Tessabelle1 · 07/11/2018 09:18

I'm not saying the OP should let Dad take the baby if she is unhappy, I'm saying the ridiculous notion that babies will be damaged in some way by being away from Mum is harmful! Mum's have enough guilt to deal with as it is, on another thread a Dad was saying Mum shouldn't leave the baby napping to have a shower ffs! If you're happy to leave baby with Dad there's absolutely no harm will befall your child, pleas stop trying to make Mum's who may already feel overwhelmed feel like crap for wanting a break!

Bananacakes · 07/11/2018 09:39

I have a similar aged baby and I would not be separated for a night let alone a week. Not because I’m mean but because it’s my baby and I would not be ready. I think it’s unreasonable for him to expect that.
Regarding your son. He’s 6. Surely it’s better for him to see a 90 yr old for possibly the last time? Your Easter holiday is months off and the worst they can do is fine you, but technically they won’t fine you unless you miss 10 sessions in a 70 day period so could you maybe leave after he’s registered on a Monday morning? School is important but your child is 6. Not doing their GCSEs.