To think daughter is ungrateful/expects too much

[Pompom42]

Have a teenage daughter she's 13.
She currently shares a bedroom with her younger sister. The younger sister is 3 but isn't really sleeping in there atm she still sleeps in my room with me.
We have a 2 bed bungalow which is not tiny but not large either. But we are all on the one floor so I appreciate we do get in each other's way at times.
Just recently she keeps saying to me "wish I didn't have to share a room with my sister".
Whilst it isn't ideal as I said youngest isn't sleeping in there. It's a nice room and was all decorated and new beds etc 2 years ago.
Now she's started saying "this house is tiny, when can we move?"
"All my friends houses are bigger, this house is really really tiny compared to theres"
I've said to her tonight I can't afford anything else. We live in a naice area and at the time it was this house or nothing. We have a drive and a garden and it's in a pretty village.
For some reason it's made me feel really upset. AIBU in thinking she's spoilt? Or is this normal teenage behaviour?
What about years ago when you had families of 6 children all living in a 3 bed house.
What can I say to her?

I have a 14 year old son, whilst we don't have any issues with bedroom space, now his mates are here all the time, my living space was getting taken over. I can't afford to move or have an extension. Instead I have bought a fairly large shed, got an electricity supply in and will be insulating it over the next few months.
Its not been cheap, but no where near the cost of extending. I see it as an investment, its very popular with his friends, they have sleepovers, they are separate but on the premises. And importantly for me off the streets. My son understands that this the cost of this is that for the next two years there will be no big holidays, skinnier Christmases etc.
He also has to make me a cup of tea for every pound I've spent on it !

I don't think she is being ungrateful, what she's feeling is perfectly reasonable I suppose. It is quite a small house and she does have to share a room with a toddler. None of these things are ideal and tbh if I were her I would feel the same. There's nothing unreasonable about feeling those things, however she's got to understand that the situation is what it is and you can't afford a bigger house.

I think a 13 year old sharing with a 3 year old isn't really workable long term, soon they will be 15 and 5, 15 year olds want to go to bed at 10, 5 year olds at 7. At 14/15 she might want to be revising or working for her gcses after 7 but she can't because her sister will be asleep. Young children wet the bed, young children have nightmare, young children can also wake up really really early.

She might want to call her boyfriend or friends in the evenings, or watch t.v. in her room which she can't do. She won't have any personal space, and that can feel quite claustrophic when you are in a small house and theres no where to escape to.

I do feel for her, sadly there probably isn't a lot that can be done. I suspect as well if you used to live in a 3 bed house with your partner and then have downsized plus she now has a toddler in her room she is feeling that change, and that is coming out. At 13 teenagers feelings can sometimes seem unreasonable to adults but they aren't unreasonable feelings for a teenager to have.

Your house sounds like one I rented a few years ago; lovely and in a nice area, garden and driveway for three cars but the space inside was well, not spacious! I was on my own and I could just about see how a couple or a couple with a baby/toddler could live there but no way more than that. You couldn’t even have watched TV separately as it was so small, that if one person was watching in the living room (for example), the sound would be in every room in the house.

Your DD is not spoilt/unreasonable, as other PPs have said she isn’t. The day is not too far off when she’ll be going out of an evening with friends/boyfriend - that aside, surely you don’t expect her to go bed the same time as her sister so that she won’t wake her? Where can she do her homework without being interrupted? You say she begged you for a sibling, then act all “Well you ASKED me for a sibling” and seem baffled that she doesn’t like having to share her space. It’s not practical or sustainable in the long term.

My DB had just moved to a 4 bed as my younger DNs room was too small for her to be able to play/have friends round/do her homework.

Rereading your first post OP, I’m not sure you actually wanted any practical advice, just ways to cope with your dd’s attitude. You have two children and a dog in what sounds like a fairly small house. There may need to be some compromises and creative thinking somewhere from someone.

Now you've said there was no relationship breakdown we know, but until this point given the information you have provided I can see how other posters have assumed that's what happened.

I have the same age gap.
DS2 (now 9) slept in my room (it's quite large and has an alcove where he bed fits quite nicely) until his older bro went to Uni.

When DS1 is at Uni DS2 goes into his room (and I get my room back...hoorah!), and during the holidays DS2 moves back in with me.

For my little family I felt it was more important for DS1 to have his own space. DS2 has known nothing different.

I am a single parent so that might make a difference.

A 13 year old sharing with a 3 year old is not ideal in the least

I don't think she is spoilt. I think she is just becoming more aware of the world around her, and who has what and who doesn't. I do think it must be hard for a 13 year old to share with a 3 year old, that is a large age gap. It is a lot rarer for siblings to share rooms these days, when I was growing up it was just one of those thing & no one blinked an eye. I can guarantee the order of your priority list - drive, garden, number of bedrooms is totally opposite to your daughters. Kids have a lot to deal with, so I'd cut her some slack.

No one NEEDS their own room it’s just nice to have one. Don’t take it to heart op at that age everything seems so much bigger and far more embarrassing that it actually is. Just tell her that it is what it is and when she’s older and rich she can buy you a bigger house. We shared through to adulthood no harm done. Yes we would have liked our own space but it’s not essential

I think given the situation the only sensible suggestion is asking you eldest if she would like the smaller room to herself, or to share the larger one with her sister.

I would put money on her choosing the smaller one, but if she chooses to share then she can't moan (as much) as it's her choice.

I agree with the posters who don't think she's unreasonable, or at least certainly not unusual, to want her own room. Perspective is hard for all of us, let alone 13-year-olds. And it's entirely normal to want what your friends have. So, no, not spoiled, and certainly not unusual. Perhaps a little thoughtless, but that's the definition of a 13-year-old.

Not to mention that a younger sibling, particularly one with such an age gap, causes all sorts of difficult adjustments. She may well recognize that your youngest is soon going to be sharing more and more of her space, just at the moment when she's seeking greater independence and privacy. Frankly, I wouldn't want to be a 15-year-old sharing with a 5-year-old, which is what she's facing.

Sometimes circumstances change and we have to adapt - its not ideal but kids don't generally get ill ALL the time and if OP is single then if small child ill they usually end up in with you anyway.

I would say older child needs their own space for study/hanging out. Would there be a way to make this happen - sturdy shed with electrics or loft hang out space (not nec a bedroom) where three yr old doesn't have access etc.

It isn't ideal but people need to realise its not about giving children everything they want sometimes they have to make do and its a balance. A 10 yr age gap is quite big but still doable.

Also another thought would be to give them the biggest room between them - making it easier to subdivide albeit on a temp basis. I think I would be tempted to have smaller child in with me on a truckle style mini bed in their own corner.

Don’t stress, she could be saying much worse things about you or her sister or anything else! She’s just expressing herself you don’t need to find a solution. Honestly, the time will fly, you will all adapt and problem solve as you need to about beds and space etc. If she keeps going on, remind her its hurtful and she needs to understand that there are limits on what we all own.

I don't think she sounds spoiled and I wouldn't automatically assume that she knows it's not financially possible for you to move, in fact I think she's at an age now where you can have frank conversations with her about finances and the cost of things and how important it is to live within your means. Financial education is important for teenagers and also teaching the message that she will be happier in life if she enjoys the things she has rather than envying others for their possessions. If she sounds ungrateful to you then you need to teach her why she should be grateful and whta a big responsibility you ahve in taking care of your family.

That said, I completely understand that as a teenager she really wants her own space and privacy, I spent countless hours in my room as a teenager and it was my haven. For a teenager some private space allows her to experiment with makeup and clothes, have phone conversations with her friends, have a cry, sulk, to think and be self absorbed and at a certain point perhaps er, masturbate... and a million other things for which we take having privacy for granted. So even if it isn't possible for her to have her own room, you can surely sympathise with her and see beyond her just appearing to be ungrateful.

No one is being unreasonable here, it's just the way it is.
Could you convert the loft to another bedroom?

Also saying she begged for a sibling, presumably she was at most 8 or 9 at the time. You can't say that a child wanting a sibling then means they know and accept all the negative things that come with that. It was you who made the decision to have a child not her.

I loved my brother as a child (atill do of course!) but he could be really really annoying sometimes, and the thought of sharing with a 3 year old him as a teenager doesn't bear thinking about. It was bad enough sharing with him on holiday when we were a similar age. Just because she wants a sibling doesn't mean that she won't get irritated or annoyed with them, doesn't mean she wants to share a room with them and it doesn't mean that living in a small house with them and no where to escape won't feel claustrophic

I'd be concerned about it in a few years time, when your eldest is preparing for her GCSEs. The little one will need to go to bed earlier, the elder will need somewhere quiet to revise.

Asking for a sibling has nothing to do with it . I can't quite believe you think that's a reason she shouldn't complain about having to share.

people being very harsh here - sounds like you're all doing your best. If you can get some sort of room divider at least at pillow level? Depends on the width of the room, but some sort of shelving etc would be good if their pillow ends of the bed are next to each other - that's the "basic" privacy. It's hard being a teenager and they all want their own private nest, but soon she'll realise that the other families aren't necessarily all rosy. Alternatively (as you know her) - if she's really being so unaware, you'll just have to point out to her that what she wants is very expensive. At thirteen she may not yet be aware at the crazy costs of housing. She knows how great her mother is, so can't understand why you're not as well off as others if you see what I mean? The big life is unfair thing... give her a couple of years and she'll start realising how lucky she is xxxx

I'd point out to her how lucky she is to have somewhere to live, meals provided and a family around her. I'd make her watch some documentaries about how plenty of other people have to live, in shanty towns, in favellas etc. Plenty of kids share. I was in a dorm room. I didn't have my own room until I was 18. And no the other girls weren't always my age, as I got older I was put in a dorm with much much younger girls and was in charge of them and they weren't even siblings. It didn't kill me, it won't kill her. I'm not surprised you're upset, I would be. She's a very lucky girl and she could do with developing a sense of perspective abut the life that you've provided for her. I don't think some of the suggestions on here to give up your room are at all helpful. It's no wonder we're raising a generation of entitled kids when there is an attitude that the offspring's needs must be met before all others. It's like anything, if you're whole life was yachts. Michelin restaurants and the finest hotels, how much would you value those things? They wouldn't be in any way special. I value my own space now because it took time and effort to achieve it. It's just a life lesson she needs to learn and as she gets older and earns her own money and has her own kids I'm sure she will start to appreciate all you've done.

THIS

Op please don't consider moving onto a camp bed in the living room, that is nuts! She may want privacy that doesn't mean she NEEDS it.

There are many things we all and l am sure you, want but cannot have, ose this as a budgeting exercise, go through your income and expenditure and ask her to contribute her ideas and priorities, but explain that you make the final decision.

Personally l agree trips and holidays make fantastic memories, and your house sounds fine.
I had to share with my brother until the age of 8, then had a really tiny room, barely room for a single bed and tiny wardrobe with an ill fitting door, no privacy there, but l was aware, my very hard working parents couldn't afford a larger house so never complained, l would have had a very sharp reply had l dared to!!

I now live in a large house and appreciate it every day.

13 and 3 May not be ideal but it's doable.

A 15 year old sharing with a 5 year old who wants to play with her toys whilst she's trying to study for GCSE?

Completely impractical and completely unfair on both.

The sofa bed comment though what a joke, two adults should rough it to give in to a teenager? Lol.

You ARE going to have to come up with a long term plan to change the living set up though OP, it's not sustainable through her exam years and although it's just whinging now she'll soon actually be in the right.

where does your partner sleep if you and 3 yo sleep in the single bedroom? Confused!

Please do not give up your bedroom.

My friend converted one room into two with a false wall, it made two much smaller rooms but the kids got their privacy. I think they had bunk beds with the lower or upper one converted into some sort of storage space etc. It was temporary so did not affect the home but give the privacy of an own room.

Your 13 year old needs a room to herself without a 3 year old in it. There is nothing “ungrateful/expects too much” about it!

Amazing to think there there are people around who are this divorced from the actual lived reality for so many people. Must be lovely up there on the cloud.

@Pompom42. If you used to live in a 3 bed house with your partner and there has been no relationship breakdown, does partner sleep in small room with you and 3 year old?

A 15 year old sharing with a 5 year old who wants to play with her toys whilst she's trying to study for GCSE?

But this is how lots of families live. People figure it out. The 15 year old studies in her mother's bedroom. The 5 year old plays with her toys in the living room. Most people don't have the luxury of separate spaces for everyone in the family and so figure it out with a bit of give and take.