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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think daughter is ungrateful/expects too much

865 replies

Pompom42 · 04/11/2018 20:19

Have a teenage daughter she's 13.
She currently shares a bedroom with her younger sister. The younger sister is 3 but isn't really sleeping in there atm she still sleeps in my room with me.
We have a 2 bed bungalow which is not tiny but not large either. But we are all on the one floor so I appreciate we do get in each other's way at times.
Just recently she keeps saying to me "wish I didn't have to share a room with my sister".
Whilst it isn't ideal as I said youngest isn't sleeping in there. It's a nice room and was all decorated and new beds etc 2 years ago.
Now she's started saying "this house is tiny, when can we move?"
"All my friends houses are bigger, this house is really really tiny compared to theres"
I've said to her tonight I can't afford anything else. We live in a naice area and at the time it was this house or nothing. We have a drive and a garden and it's in a pretty village.
For some reason it's made me feel really upset. AIBU in thinking she's spoilt? Or is this normal teenage behaviour?
What about years ago when you had families of 6 children all living in a 3 bed house.
What can I say to her?

OP posts:
Pompom42 · 05/11/2018 19:49

jiroej
If that's the case why does the council and HA say that children have to be over 16 before they get their own room.
I just googled NSPCC
It clearly states over the age of 10 for opposite sex NOT same sex

OP posts:
Pompom42 · 05/11/2018 19:50

jiroej

Mine are same sex

OP posts:
Pompom42 · 05/11/2018 19:51

Schaden

Yes I'm hoping we can laugh about it. Who knows what the future holds?
I'm hoping we won't be here in 4 years time but things change as I'm well aware of

OP posts:
cheval · 05/11/2018 19:51

Back in the day, my teenage school friend shared a bedroom with her younger brother with just a flimsy curtain separating their beds. We and she never thought it was a problem. But it was the bad old 70s. Her parents were teachers, so presumably knew what they were doing...

jiroej · 05/11/2018 19:53

Yes if they are different genders, I was replying to @SaucyJack

pollymere · 05/11/2018 19:53

Buy her a curtain to go around her bed. Mine craves "privacy" and lives in her bed. It's just space to be she's craving.

Pompom42 · 05/11/2018 19:53

I was lucky to have my own room growing up, none of my friends did. I appreciate they didn't have a 10 year gap though.
I just didn't think it'd be a problem until yesterday and hasn't been a problem up until now as youngest been in with me anyway

OP posts:
Palaver1 · 05/11/2018 19:54

Your doing your best they can share.Doesnt matter.We are making it matter,making a big thing out of it . in my line of work you just dont want to see whats happening in the real.world. its a very sensitive age but unfortunately all fingers arent equal. Your in charge you pay the bills you deserve a space as well
Make the decisoon she either moves into the smaller room.or shares in the big room.
Explain the situation but you make the decisions al the best

BITCAT · 05/11/2018 19:55

OP My daughter 17 now has only just had her own room due to her brother moving out. My almost 13 year old now has her own room too. No its not ideal for any teenager to share with a much younger child, but unfortunately we can not magic money or an extra room out of thin air. I had the same moaning for ages..but she new there was nothing i could do. Her brother was 3 years older and i only had 4 bedrooms with 4 children. So 1 bedroom for me and partner, one each for the boys and the girls had the biggest room at the top. The only reason she now has her own space is her brother moving out, he has moved back in briefly and is using our sofa bed but will be moving out again soon.
I guess you just have to explain in a way they can understand that other families might have more money, different circumstances etc..and that this is your circumstance and currently there is no way of getting around it. Like my daughter im sure she will realise you did your best.
I have the best relationship with my 17year old dd1 and i am sure it will work itself out.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 05/11/2018 19:55

The NSPCC advises that children of different genders over the age of 10 don't share a room.

That is true - but sometimes people don't have the option. There are plenty of families who can't move in to larger properties for whatever reason. I think that they advise this to reduce the incidence of incest.

However the situation doesn't arise because Pompom's children are both girls.

A 13-year-old will be demanding to be treated as an adult one minute, and be acting like a toddler the next - it is a horrible and difficult age for all concerned.

Pompoms - you will just be past it with DD1, and then DD@ will start.

Don't bother to thank me for reminding you of this - I can imagine how grateful you are Grin

Pompom42 · 05/11/2018 19:55

pollymere

It isn't just space though. Saying she wants a double bed in there now as a programme she watches on Netflix all the teenagers apparently have double beds.
"Lives in her bed" sorry but that sounds weird to me.
It's a bunk bed also I'm not sure a curtain around her bed is the solution when the bed belongs to both of them.

OP posts:
LucheroTena · 05/11/2018 19:56

This thread is nuts. Loads of siblings share. Op a compromise would be for you to switch rooms, she has the little one and you share with younger sibling until younger sibling is 8 or so.

I had to share with my mother!!! Until I was 19!!! We moved back with grandparents when she divorced. Only got my own room once my grandparents died, then I quickly moved out to university. As non ideal as it was I don’t think I was irreparably psychologically harmed.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 05/11/2018 19:59

Op a compromise would be for you to switch rooms, she has the little one and you share with younger sibling until younger sibling is 8 or so

We've been over this ground Niles

Pompom42 · 05/11/2018 19:59

IheartNiles

I've offered her this today and she doesn't want smaller room as it's at the front of the house. She's scared she says. Been a lot of burglaries around here lately (I know they don't always come through the front)

OP posts:
Aria999 · 05/11/2018 19:59

Alexambidextra: yeah sorry was multi tasking and didn't really think it through 

SparklyUnicornPoo · 05/11/2018 20:00

There is 10 years between me and next sister which means at 13 just as I wanted privacy my sister was just starting to be a pain in the arse, plus I had got used to having my own room, it was ok when she was a baby because babies are cute and don't touch things and they don't talk all the time, so really it was still my room, just with another bed in it but at 3 she started wandering through and asking me what I was doing and touching my things and breathing too loudly I used to regularly pay her in sweets/biscuits to go away and bug someone else.

DD is being a little ungrateful but she is 13, most kids are a bit self-centered and ungrateful at that age and to be fair to her I think most kids come out with the 'but all my friends...' whether its about a nicer house, better holidays, being allowed to stay up later or whatever, doesn't even necessarily need to be true and I very much doubt she's ever stopped to think about all the things she gets that some of her friends don't.

cardibach · 05/11/2018 20:01

Pompom you said the room was a large double. In that case I’d separate the bunks so they can have separate ‘areas’ in the room and she can make her stay more grown up. It also gives the possibility of screens or curtains for privacy. I know you see your 3 yr old is barely in there, but that won’t last. Ina year or so they will be sharing full time. You need a solution.

SaucyJack · 05/11/2018 20:02

“Yes if they are different genders, I was replying to @SaucyJack

Yes, I know the NSPCC advise against it. But the NSPCC aren’t paying for it, so if parents can’t afford to move- then boys and girls will still have to share just like the OP’s daughters.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 05/11/2018 20:03

growing up we lived in a 3 bed semi, twas a very nice house with a living room and a 'lounge' that was only used for xmas and other special events Smile my 2 brothers (4 year age gap) shared a room and I being the only girl had the box room, whenever grandma stayed over I slept on a camp bed in mum and dads room. when friends stayed over we were allowed to sleep on the floor in the lounge. when grandma was too old /ill to live alone she moved into my bedroom and I had the camp bed in mum and dads room for around a year or possibly more until she died. Never did we complain, assume we should turn the lounge into a bedroom, turn mum and dad out to the sofas or anything, we just accepted that was how things were! of course we didn't have central heating and TV's in rooms etc so didn't have the need to be so separate from the family holed up in our rooms the way my kids do, we spent much more time together in the nice warm living room. I do think we have all got very precious in later years, yes its lovely to be able to afford a house with a room for all, a playroom, dining room, futility room, laundry, conservatory, garden and drive but hell's bells, there are loads of us who can't afford such perfection and kids grow up perfectly well and happy.

BITCAT · 05/11/2018 20:03

You need to explain that a program about american rich teenagers isnt the same as your situation and is how it works in reality.
Its a drama..pretty little liars both my girls watch it but they are well aware its not real.
Many kids dont have a bed nevermind a room, remind her of that.
Never did me any harm sharing a room well past 16..no i didnt like it but there was no alternative. I had a bed, clean clothes food..nothing to complain about really.

Pompom42 · 05/11/2018 20:04

cardibach

Bunk beds won't separate it's a complete made unit. Had it especially made with hidden storage all in it. Doesn't have a ladder but a built in set of stairs.
Measured and built for that room.

OP posts:
Aragog · 05/11/2018 20:05

I don't think she's spoilt. I don't really think she's being unpleasant or trying to upset you, nor being particularly ungrateful either.

She's a teenager. A young one at that. Her hormones are all over the place. Her brain development is going through lots of changes. Her emotional maturity is developing still, and they tend to still be impulsive and emotional, sometimes more so than they were a little younger.

I imagine she will crave space and privacy at times. She will find these things hard to express. Young teens may look like young adults but their maturity is no where near fully grown, and they just don't behave and act in the ways we would want them too. Often young teens don't really know what they want, and they certainly can't often explain it to others very easily. Sometimes its like they are over grown toddlers. Other times like smaller grown ups.

I am sure she loves her siblings lots. It isn't about that. Its about space and privacy, especially as a teenager. 13y is right on that cusp - she will want space to be on her own, space to call her own, etc. That is normal. However, it isn't always possible for every child to have a room of their own. Sit her down and explain why. I wouldn't go down the whole "well in the olden days ..... " type route though. It never works with a child/teenager.

Sometimes I think its also okay for her to have a little whinge, so long as she keeps it to a minimum and also accepts that it isn't going to change so she needs to get on with it. Just let her sometimes have a moment to have a moan about it, agree with her that it would be nice to have a room of her own, but that it just isn't possible.

I shared with a little sister. She was 9 years younger than me. I loved her dearly. However, sometimes I would have loved a room of my own, like my brother had, like lots of friends had. I knew it couldn't be helped. I knew I was more fortunate than many other children across the world. I knew I was fortunate to have a nice home, a safe place to be, my own bed, etc. But also, sometimes I was just a teenager and craving my own space.

Is the room large enough to create a bit of a divide? Maybe using room dividers or IKEA Kallax style dividers? If so, you could split the room that way, and have hers in the more private half of the room, further from the door, where she can keep her stuff, have her pictures/posters up, have her own 'personal' space to herself. If not, could a curtain be hung round her bed area, so she can shut herself away from the rest of the world when she needs time apart?

Teenagers do need privacy and space to be on their own, and with friends. As she gets older she will also need quiet areas to work and study too. You also need to consider different sleep patterns too and if the room works for that as well, especially as both girls age - 13y and 3y will seem a much smaller age gap than 16y and 6y, or 18y and 8y.

You just need to think about how that can be achieved in some way.

I would not, however, give up my own room. No one needs to be sleeping in the living room in this situation.

Pompom42 · 05/11/2018 20:06

BITCAT

Yes I said to her what teenager do you know who has a double bed?
She said this one and that one. I think it's because maybe it used to be their parents rooms and when they decorated the room they just left the old bed and didn't bother to buy a new single bed so to speak.

OP posts:
Rachelover40 · 05/11/2018 20:07

You say no-one goes in her room when she is getting dressed/undressed but there's more to having your own room and privacy than the state of undress. It would be her space and that's important at her age.

It gets worse, she even has to share a wardrobe with a three year old!

A 4ft bed would be ideal for a teenager but even a three foot bed would be OK if she had her own room.

I had a cousin who at 12 had to share with a baby sister and she never ceased to resent it.

You still haven't said why a loft conversion is out of the question.

Aragog · 05/11/2018 20:09

It's a bunk bed also I'm not sure a curtain around her bed is the solution when the bed belongs to both of them.

If the bunk beds can't separate or replaced with singles, then I assume she is in the top bunk. A shorter curtain that goes around just her bed area might work.

Or when she is a bit older and the little one can go in the top, a curtain round the bottom bunk - this would be easier to fit than above I suspect.

Not all teenagers have double beds. Many are in rooms too small for that to start with. DD does have a double bed but most of her friends don't.

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