To think daughter is ungrateful/expects too much

[Pompom42]

Have a teenage daughter she's 13.
She currently shares a bedroom with her younger sister. The younger sister is 3 but isn't really sleeping in there atm she still sleeps in my room with me.
We have a 2 bed bungalow which is not tiny but not large either. But we are all on the one floor so I appreciate we do get in each other's way at times.
Just recently she keeps saying to me "wish I didn't have to share a room with my sister".
Whilst it isn't ideal as I said youngest isn't sleeping in there. It's a nice room and was all decorated and new beds etc 2 years ago.
Now she's started saying "this house is tiny, when can we move?"
"All my friends houses are bigger, this house is really really tiny compared to theres"
I've said to her tonight I can't afford anything else. We live in a naice area and at the time it was this house or nothing. We have a drive and a garden and it's in a pretty village.
For some reason it's made me feel really upset. AIBU in thinking she's spoilt? Or is this normal teenage behaviour?
What about years ago when you had families of 6 children all living in a 3 bed house.
What can I say to her?

Is it possible to partition the room?
I grew up in a council house and shared with two brothers.
Once I hit puberty, mum put up a stud wall and gave me my own tiny little box room. I loved it! I still had to walk through my brother’s room to access it and it certainly wasn’t sound proof lol! But it was a cheap and easy solution!
They are also pretty easy to take down in the event your do not own your home.
On the other hand I also think teens in general have a sense of entitlement. My 16 year old is dreadful for it and does the exact same thing of comparing what she has with her friends.
I blame the social media phenomenon!
It’s FOMO and who get get the most likes and who is the best. Who has the most and what’s ‘trending’.
It’s sad but it’s part of society and culture now. I remain boundaried with my daughter. If it’s reasonable we can talk about it. If she’s taking the p**s it’s a firm no from me.
Here, I think your daughter is being reasonable, but there is no way you should be on a sofa bed in the living room. Everyone in the household has needs!
Perhaps if you have the bigger room this could be partitioned and you have the smaller one? Or as I said earlier do the girls room if that’s possible.
If you can’t then she will have to understand that you are doing the best you can and perhaps you can agree one night a week where she can have mates round and the your other little girl can have one night in bed with you? So she feels at least she has free reign of the room for her one special night. Alternatively I used to give my daughter the downstairs to do makeovers and watch movies with her friends, whilst I stayed upstairs for a treat every now and then. There must be some way she can feel understood and I guess compensated so for her it feels more fair.
But not at the expense of everyone else.
Good luck, teenager girls are demanding and sassy! but they are worth it.

There is 11 years between me and my sister. She had a small single room and I was in with my parents in a double too. With a screen across which was basically a curtain across the room to partition my bed off. Until I was 9. You could do this if you move to the bigger room then your DD can have the single to herself. By the time DD2 is grown you may have moved house or DD1 will be at Uni or moved out!

Omg, just saw a suggestion you get a sofa bed in the living room and give a room to each of your girls. There is so much wrong with that idea which helps to fuel kids entitlement these days.
Yes it is normal (selfish) teenage behaviour and don’t expect that attitude to change any time soon.
Ask your child if she’d be happy to move to a new area (new school, new friends) in order to move to a bigger house that’s affordable,
Give ‘em the facts

@Iaimto

I have a set of twins if you actually look at ages and they definitely won’t be 5 large teenagers given the gaps.
They’re happy, healthy children who’ve been through a lot. I’m proud of our little, safe house where they can play, socialise and be themselves. They’re excelling in school and quite happy

Years ago lol, we're a family of six living in a 2 bed home!! My two teenage sons share a room, my two younger girls share a room, and me and my husband had to buy a sofa bed for the front room, which, after 9:30 is our bedroom! been this way now for 10 years!
Its not ideal, my back sometimes aches like heck, but I do it so the kids have their own space :-) x
I came here though because it was the Village I had grown up in, and yes, I could have plumped for a larger home in a much cheaper town maybe, but I wanted the safest nicest place for my children to grow and play.

My kids know that I work hard to make sure they never go without, and while we might not have the 6 bedroomed farmhouse his best friend has, at least he has somewhere to lay his head at night safely!

If they complain now, I smile and tell them they know where the door is! They like me cooking too much to go yet though lol.

If you ever did want to put up a partition OP, these look like quite an easy solution, and should be just as easy to take down again if and when you’re finished with them.

"Now she's started saying "this house is tiny, when can we move?""

My answer would be "There will be plenty of room once you move out. When will you be going?"

I don't think she's particularly ungrateful, she's just naïve and a teenager. It's what they do. "Comparison is the thief of joy."

I think it's fine of her to moan but there is nothing that can be done. It's a bit of a life lesson really.

@Dontjudge

Your first 2 were twins though, so that's not an excuse. You had 2... lovely, maybe go for a third... But you went for 3 more. If the last 2 were twins then you can say "we planned for 4 but got 5". That's not what happened to you though. You kept going.

In 6 years, you will have 2 18 year olds, a 17 year old, a 14 year old and a 10 year old. They all need room; studying, hobbies, privacy. And they won't get it. But you still think it's fine. That's why I don't trust your judgement. If you could at least admit it will be an issue then at least you'd be thinking logically.

I think she isn’t unreasonable to be unhappy about it but obviously you can’t just magically change it. It will take some honest conversations where you explain to her exactly why you can’t afford somewhere bigger. My children also share a room my son is 10 and my daughter is 6 and it isn’t ideal even though we’ve tried to use a kallax unit to try and split the room in half for them. He’s getting to the smelly preteen stage and wants to be left to do things quietly alone and she is young and incredibly girly and requires entertaining. It results in many many physical fights but we just have to explain to them again and again that we know it isn’t nice and it isn’t fair but unfortunately at the moment we just can’t afford something bigger but in a few years we will hopefully be able to move to somewhere bigger but these things take a lot of time and saving etc.

My 14 year old shares a bedroom with her 10 and 4 year old sisters. When her other sister is away she can use her room but doesn’t like it as it’s too quiet 🤫

Most people can work out a compromise.

I think, given that OP has had the little one sleeping in her room for a while is the way to to for now. Two doubles if they fit or one double and a single.

Then save up for a loft conversion if that is possible.

(I am probably one of those neanderthals who hasn't RTFT, Yikes!)

This kind of situation isn't something to plan for, and it's not really enjoyable for the children, especially not teenagers. It's something to put up with, but certainly not something to recommend.

I feel that's too big an age gap to share a room. That basically makes her her sister's carer when they are in the room together.
She needs privacy and peace to do schoolwork.
Fair enough if there is no solution but I can understand her being pissed off.

For goodness sake, children do not NEED their own room. Plenty of children have to share and the OP's daughter is an ungrateful brat.

I shared a bedroom with 2 sisters, one 3 years younger than me and the other 9 years younger. I don't remember ever moaning about it. It is just the way it was and I was grateful that at least I got the proper bed while my two sisters had to have bunk beds. We lived like that until I left home at 22.

Before loads of you come back and say that was years ago blah blah. Yes it was but many children today have to share rooms. When did pandering to children become the norm? Never read so many stupid comments - you should sleep on a sofa bed in the living room, you should share with the young one so spoilt brat can have her own room, you should move, you should have an extension built. Do any of you live in the real world?

I am pretty sure the OP would love to move to a bigger house or be able to afford to have an extension or loft extension. It seems as though some of you think it would only cost a few hundred pounds to extend.

I can see why so many youngsters have such entitled attitudes

@Pompom42

You've had some really unnecessary responses on here...

Have actually read the whole thread before I responded...

Your sound like you're between a rock and a hard place, you've offered her a solution which she doesn't want, so I would leave the ball in her court. At 13 she'll have all sorts of ideas about what is and isn't fair, some of which will be reasonable and others won't.

Keep taking and listening to her, remember that she won't always like situations, but you sound like you are doing your best to provide a nice life for your family, and in the light of recent tragedy. Be kind to yourself as well as her.

While I know lots have weighed in with their personal views I'll add another...I was once of 5 kids (and 6 at one point as we also had a foster brother for a while) in a 2.5 bed house (the.5 was a tiny room off another bedroom). Was it ideal? No. Did we all grow up fine? Yes. Do I now like to have my own space as a result? Definitely...and I've worked hard to get it. Everyone will have their own set of circumstances, but I would go by the old adage that if you're worrying about whether you're doing your best, you probably are. Please give yourself a break x

Do a room divider in some way , it must be awful for her a teenager having to let a toddler in her room.Even a bookcase where Toddler is told not to go beyond it.

That basically makes her her sister's carer when they are in the room together

Except that this never happens because the 3 YO almost never goes in the 13 YOs room.

Are some people missing that the 13 YO has a double bedroom to herself, except perhaps her sister's clothes, and the OP and the 3 YO sleep in the smaller room?

I had to share a room up until i left home..so do many children. Unfortunately that is life and its not that easy to just get somewhere bigger, it costs money. Money doesnt grow on trees and i would expect at 13 to understand that a bit more. It certainly does sound a bit spoilt and unrealistic to me. Many many siblings have to share, regardless to the age gap.

Note the word "when". If it never happens then why not just say it's her own room?
Sounds like 4 year old has two rooms

Agree with the people who've suggested showing her your budget, and explain about house prices too. Also point out to her that she's very lucky not to be sharing her room in a tower block in a poor residential area ...

I would just talk to her.do you also have time for just the two of you? She is just expressing her feelings as a teenager would.As I was childminding for most of my childrens lives there were times they didnt want other children around but I explained the alternative of me going out to work and they were okay.Once I did go out to work they missed having children around

FFS
It’s been a while since I’ve seen a thread with so many mean comments.
The OP has obviously had a negative change in circumstances, necessitating a downsize.
She chose an affordable house in a nice area, that they know, not disrupting schools etc.
She has taken the smallest room.
She is sharing the smaller room with a 3 yr old.
She has a lounge where the children keep their stuff, so not an adult space.
The children have a nice garden with a trampoline.
They have nice clothes and holidays.
The 13 yr is perfectly able to share her bedroom. She does not need her own space to study or socialise.
Yes she’s being ungrateful and selfish and expecting too much. But that doesn’t mean she’s going to turn into a psychopath, she’s just a teenager. By nature they are generally a bit thoughtless and think of themselves first.
And as for putting a 13 out in the garden study?? Really?

She needs a long conversation about the real world and privilege. That’s all

BarbaraofSeville

This is exactly right. I have a double bed In The single room and me and youngest DD both sleep in the double bed. As it's a single room there's a tiny slither of space to walk around the bed.
Eldest DD sleeps in the bunk bed in the double room. We all agreed on bunk beds because at the time the floor space was worthy to her as she practices ballet etc so it was the floor space that was more important.
For context eldest DD slept in my bed until she was around 10/11 even though she had her own room.
She said on Netflix program she watches Pretty Little Liars I think it is all the girls have double beds in their rooms.
I said it isn't possible and I can sell the bunk beds and put 2x single beds in there but she will lose the floor space. Same goes for double bed in there.
I offered her the single room on her own but she is scared of sleeping at front of the house alone as separating the rooms is a large hallways cupboard and a bathroom.
The 3 year old has all her underwear, clothes and shoes in the room but that's all.
So 1/2 wardrobe each plus 2 shelves of cupboard space.
Eldest has all the rest.
There's a space for her to do homework and we have friends for sleepover once a week or she goes to them.