To think daughter is ungrateful/expects too much

[Pompom42]

Have a teenage daughter she's 13.
She currently shares a bedroom with her younger sister. The younger sister is 3 but isn't really sleeping in there atm she still sleeps in my room with me.
We have a 2 bed bungalow which is not tiny but not large either. But we are all on the one floor so I appreciate we do get in each other's way at times.
Just recently she keeps saying to me "wish I didn't have to share a room with my sister".
Whilst it isn't ideal as I said youngest isn't sleeping in there. It's a nice room and was all decorated and new beds etc 2 years ago.
Now she's started saying "this house is tiny, when can we move?"
"All my friends houses are bigger, this house is really really tiny compared to theres"
I've said to her tonight I can't afford anything else. We live in a naice area and at the time it was this house or nothing. We have a drive and a garden and it's in a pretty village.
For some reason it's made me feel really upset. AIBU in thinking she's spoilt? Or is this normal teenage behaviour?
What about years ago when you had families of 6 children all living in a 3 bed house.
What can I say to her?

@Mummymeister

You cant support someone who is rude to you because you disagree with them.

When was OP rude to you? She asked you to stop posting because you called her selfish. OP is willing to sleep on the sofa so she's not selfish.

Well said donkey

and this, with bells on
what to say to DD "yes it would be lovely to have rooms each" etc - so acknowledging her feelings but without it being her fault or your fault. Noone likes to be told they are spoilt or ungrateful. You could deal with her in a way that acknowledged her desires without feeling you had to provide all the solutions to them.

@DonkeyHotei

FFS can you PLEASE, OP, stop telling @mummymeister to stop commenting?!?

She only told her to stop commenting once, and that was after mummy called her selfish. Stop implying OP said this more than once.

What's the point in hounding an OP, they'll just abandon the thread. If someone doesn't want me on their thread related to their personal circumstances, I would just stop posting. But mummy won't let this go.

Antigon

I don't think it's fair for people to swear at me. I don't swear at all so don't like it.
I think it's wrong.
I also object to being called selfish.
I feel like I'm being hounded now and that's how this thread is going as everyone thinks I haven't done enough/doing enough/not listening/not getting an extension or loft conversion.
You are right time for me to abandon the thread.

Apologies if I’ve missed it, but what is your 13 year old’s solution to the issue, given the parameters?

OP, not everything thinks that. For whatever reason, this is your and your children's home for now. There may be other reasons why you're attached to this house which you don't feel able to share here and that's fine. Don't abandon the thread if you are finding it useful in any way.

The OP may have used the exact words "Stop commenting" only once, but the message to @mummymeister to basically STFU was articulated clearly and repeatedly. I heard it loudly enough and I'm objecting to her being silenced. Look, I'm a dickhead, and the vast majority of the mumsnet massive don't agree with me on most of my posts. But it's my right to speak, and same goes for meister and anyone else. Just like it's OP's right to disagree/ignore etc. As for feeling hounded, I find that I only feel hounded myself when the majority are in disagreement with a POV of mine. And when that happens, chances are I need to listen, especially if I care enough to ask the question. As you said OP, "everyone else everyone thinks I haven't done enough". Nail on head right there?

The OP may have used the exact words "Stop commenting" only once, but the message to @mummymeister to basically STFU was articulated clearly and repeatedly. I heard it loudly enough and I'm objecting to her being silenced.

But look at from OP's perspective. She is a single parent with two jobs, has provided a nice two bed home, holidays, Sky, Netflix and apart from the material aspect, to all intents and purposes this is a happy home.

And then someone calls you selfish because you won't move home or put your DD in a shed (that the DD doesn't want to be in anyway) or put DD in the front room. Is it any wonder she asked her to stop commenting?!

That's not silencing someone that's just asking for the onslaught to stop!

For what it's worth I think mummy does make some good points but there was no need to call OP rude when the 'stop commenting' comment was in response to being called selfish.

I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to tell someone that they are selfish. I am probably selfish in more ways than I care to have listed. And I hate it when it's spelled out to me that I've done or said anything wrong. It hurts. But when someone says it, it may be true, and if lots of people say it, then I have to consider whether it's very likely that it's true. And, fwiw, the whole room thing: we live in a box and have no money. But that isn't my teen's problem, it's mine. My teen DC needs a room, hence I share with the one in single digits.

I’m going to weigh in as 14 years ago I was a 13 year old girl with a 3 year old brother and honestly I was exactly the same my mum ended up getting one of those bunk beds with a double on the bottom and shared with him until he was 7 then she got a sofa bed and slept in the living room until I moved out at 20 she was a trooper and I love that she did that so I could have space as a teenage girl your daughter probably needs her privacy

It's absolutely normal teenage behaviour. Her brain is going through huge changes as she shifts allegiance from adults in her life to peers. How she looks to her peers becomes all consuming - more important than anything else. As does any avoidance of anything that might be considered embarrassing. Have a read of Sarah-Jayne Blakemore's book "Inventing Ourselves" on the teenage brain. It's really fascinating.

That is a large age gap but I think a lot of people had to share. There was admittedly only 4.5 years between my sister and I but we did share up until she was 16 and I was 11. We both hated it but would never have dreamed of telling my parents they needed to move. We both did loudly voice our disgust with the arrangement on many occasions however. We were lucky as we had a 3 bed and once my brothed moved out we got our own rooms. Then I missed sharing a little bit.

My dds are sharing till they move out. 7 year she gap I'm afraid they will have to deal with it.

I have 2 sons and a daughter. My dd is 18 and has her own room. My 2 sons share a room they are 12 and 6. My 12 year old wants to move into the loft. Move to a bigger house and is always encouraging his 18yr old sister to move out. I don't think they understand how much stuff costs. It does get me frustrated at times because obviously if I had the money I would love a 4 bedroom house so they all had their own rooms.

My dds 12, 11 and 4 share a room. Ds 12 and ds 8 share a room. No privacy, no room but that’s the way it is.
They’d love their own rooms and space. I’d love to give it to them. Unfortunately life doesn’t always work as you would like

@Dontjudge

But sensible people don't have 5 kids if they can't house them properly. Advice from people who've had multiple children when they don't have the space for them isn't the most reliable advice.

It doesn’t sound like you spoil her, but she’s being very ungrateful! She’s old enough to understand that you can’t just move cos she doesn’t like it. She definitely needs to learn that she may not live in a huge house but probably has a lot more than other kids. Just tell her family is more important than material stuff and she’ll just have to deal with it

I slept on a sofa bed in the main room for nearly three years so each child could have a bedroom in the tiny house I rented post-separation. It was easier for all of us that children had their own room/space where they could basically work and live and go when they needed to be alone or calm down or time out or whatever. And I had all my own space during day when they were at school and in the evenings to work and be. Was perfect. Only thing I would add was that I had other tiny room to put all my stuff in, so it was contained.

She's just being a typical ungrateful teenager. Don't listen to half the twats on here, it won't hurt her to share. You are doing your best and your daughter will realise when she's older xx

She’s not spoilt, your home sounds lovely but it’s not ideal for her, she may be thinking omg if I get a bf come for tea, do I have to bring him into a room I share (obv too young for any silliness) but she probably also wants her girl friends to stay over, talk boys, have her own space etc. Sometimes she just needs gently reminding of the positives. It’s normal to want your own space so I don’t think she’s being unreasonable she just needs to know what is possible and what isn’t. X

@Iaimto extremely rude and judgemental.
My children are properly housed, clothed and fed. They aren’t spoiled, pampered or made to feel inferior. My point to OP was we can’t always have what we’d like in life. As long as kids have a roof and food they’ll survive sharing a room!

How many self entitled judges on this thread!
Mummy
Probably your parents spoilt you so much that you think it is normal behaviour to indulge any little wish of your teenager... you do sound spoiled and wanting your way even now on this thread! How pushy you sound ... and you don’t know the OP and have no stake in this!

OP I totally get what you are trying to say.
My sister lives in a big house and in a lovely area but my teenage niece went into a strop as she wanted to go to a private school as all friends go to private school. My sister can not afford it, and my niece is bereft that all her chances are scuppered in life because she’s attending the outstanding local state secondary school.
Where do you stop?
There will always be somebody better off than them.

My sister and I shared until she got married. I am the youngest, 8 years gap. She used to look after me and we have a special bond now. it’s all about perspective and how you see things. They are same sex so nothing wrong with sharing.
If you don’t give her a reality checks now she will think that by simply complaining everybody will fall over to accommodate her.
You sound like a great mum and she will come to appreciate all the love and sacrifices you have made for her.
Hang in there!

I have exactly the same problem with my 13yr old son. All his friends live in big houses and have nice cars. We have a nice car but not the big house, I live in a terraced property as I'm unable to work due to health. I think all teens go through this stage. Just have to make them see the value of money & if she does well in school tell her she can have what house she wants when she's an adult lol.. another thing is they might have big house's but is it a happy one, that's what's important.. just entertain her her qualms and don't let it get you down Hunni.

@Dontjudge

5 kids in 2 bedrooms. And it's not from twins or triplets which you can't plan for. So it was a decision you made; and you're going to have 5 large teenagers squeezed into 2 bedrooms (that's if you stop at 5). That's not good for anyone. And you chose it, and still think it's a good idea. So I question your judgement.

Bubblegum unicorn
Your mum sounds great. However she had a point as I don’t think teenager boy and teenage girl should ever share! They need the privacy and be able to dress / undress without feeling self conscious.