To think daughter is ungrateful/expects too much

[Pompom42]

Have a teenage daughter she's 13.
She currently shares a bedroom with her younger sister. The younger sister is 3 but isn't really sleeping in there atm she still sleeps in my room with me.
We have a 2 bed bungalow which is not tiny but not large either. But we are all on the one floor so I appreciate we do get in each other's way at times.
Just recently she keeps saying to me "wish I didn't have to share a room with my sister".
Whilst it isn't ideal as I said youngest isn't sleeping in there. It's a nice room and was all decorated and new beds etc 2 years ago.
Now she's started saying "this house is tiny, when can we move?"
"All my friends houses are bigger, this house is really really tiny compared to theres"
I've said to her tonight I can't afford anything else. We live in a naice area and at the time it was this house or nothing. We have a drive and a garden and it's in a pretty village.
For some reason it's made me feel really upset. AIBU in thinking she's spoilt? Or is this normal teenage behaviour?
What about years ago when you had families of 6 children all living in a 3 bed house.
What can I say to her?

You are getting a hard time here but to be fair from the beginning you only seem interested in replies that say it's fine to share and she's spoilt.
She's not she's being a normal teenager who wants her own space and it will get worse as she grows up more and has to stare with a 7 year old when she's 17.

Your circumstances meant you had to move there but at the same time it doesn't stop your dd from wanting something else. Listen to her and talk to her don't think she's got a bad attitude because that will come across to her.

And yes it does seem like you are saying you cannot afford xyz but at the same time you say you spend x amount of money on beds, coats and holidays and have a music studio this is why people are saying your priorities are skewed.

It's your own business what you spend your money on but if there's a way to cut back to make things easier for your family for the future then you should think about doing that.

I was (kind of) like your DD last year. We moved from not a great area to my hometown. I hated it, hated that I could no longer be in London in half an hour, hated that I had to drive everywhere (public transport isn’t great), hated that I had no job. On the plus side, we have no mortgage which means we can have nice holidays and two cars. If I want to go to London (or anywhere) we just plan a bit further in advance. It took my husband being seriously ill earlier this year to realise I would give everything up and live in a box if he’d get better (thankfully he’s on the mend). I feel ashamed of how bratty I was (I’m 38) but as an adult I have the capacity to realise, teens don’t.

Please talk to your daughter at adult level. My parents were always “Do you have any idea how much xxxx costs us?”....while at the same time not telling me their financial situation as that was “none of my business”. Sit down and explain to her what you’ve told us here, “It costs me £xxxx to take you on holiday, I use the money from teaching music so that we can do xxxx”

I can’t believe how some people have treated OP on this thread. OP should sleep on a sofa bed?! Because a 13 year old wants her own room?? Wow.

Yes, look at alternative to the situation such as a room divider? But because OP can’t move house - people equate this to her daughter in the future possibly failing GCSEs - I don’t know what planet some of you are on?!

OP - I shared a room with my sister forever. Not quite as a big an age gap, but we both got very good GCSEs and A levels. Were there points where I would have liked my own room - yes. We were in a flat and would also have loved a garden - parents couldn’t move.

Do I look back and think I have been damaged not having my own room? Absolutely not.

I think your daughter will realise what a lovely childhood she’s having - when she’s older. Feels like the end of the world now, but you’re the adult, she’s not going to be harmed long term nor educationally.

Honestly, cannot believe some of the accusations on here to OP. Some of you should be ashamed. This is allegedly a site to support parents. Not ask how dare she have had a second child or buy a coat.

And hats off to the poster who has NEVER bought a coat. Absolutely ridiculous.

RedSkyLastNight

I know she's a teenager thank you. I'm fully aware. We are very close. How wrong you are to say I'm not accepting of it. She loves holidays thank you, she enjoys going with her little sister and we have a good time. Her friends go on holiday too. She wears coats yes, nothing to do with you how much I spent on it.
Wish I'd never mentioned the cost, the fact I bought her a coat for £120 doesn't change the situation.

ineedtostopbeingsolazy

Sorry but you're wrong. No where have I said I can't afford X, Y and Z
I haven't said I can't afford this and it's can't afford that.
Please don't comment unless you know what you're talking about

You cant support someone who is rude to you because you disagree with them. Giving support doesn't mean hand patting and doing the "there, there hun" crap. she asked a question we answered it. she drip fed information and then becomes aggressive to anyone except those that agree with what she says.

Now we get the martyrdom of sleeping on a sofa in the lounge with sciatica. Totally and utterly unnecessary.

if you don't want to hear an answer, don't ask the question. simple really.

mummymeister

I did not drip feed information at all.
I said in the beginning it's a bungalow etc
God forbid anyone that doesn't listen to you.

You’re doing a great job Pom with a teenager. Guess what - you’re allowed to buy her a coat, and go on holidays. At the end of the day, she’s a 13 year old that’s loved and cared for and that’s what will stick with her when she’s grown. Not ideal that she has to share - but there we go we don’t live in the ideal world but the real one.

Pompom42. you have dripfed. look back through the thread. lots of people suggesting a den/shed outside. then you say you already have one and its a recording studios that you use. lots of people asked about extending with a conservatory or into the loft and the assumption was you hadn't done this due to finances. then you say, no, not finances.

I will say it again. there is no need for you to sleep on the sofa. there is no need to make your sciatica worse.

I have a very healthy relationship with all of my children. I don't go in for the making memories crap. I ask, I negotiate and I give my kids time and space both actual space and space to think and decide. Because that's what teens need.

You are just rude to people who don't agree with you. I am not. take it or leave it. its an internet forum

I had a friend at school who was one of seven. The house was not big enough for everyone to have his or her own room, so they build partition walls in each bedroom. The rooms were tiny but everyone had his or her own. I think it worked really well

OP forgive me if I'm out of line here, but there seems to be a lot of pain , physical and emotional, behind your posts. Perhaps even a quiet desperation for DD to acknowledge that you have done your best?

She doesn't sound ungrateful, she's 13, life and expectations and pressures on youngsters are very different from a generation ago. She's just feeling her way and hasn't learned how the world works yet.

Would teenage DD sleep in the front single room if she felt more secure? Can you get security alarms fitted, good window locks, etc? Alternatively, can that be your living room, and the two larger rooms are bedrooms?

We have enough rooms, but in a long thin house. I would love to have a driveway for cars and a garage.

I had to share with my sister. As we got older (and kept quarrelling!), my parents got a builder to put up a cheap (hardboard) partition down the middle with a gap at one end for my sister to get through the innermost half (hers). The partition stopped a foot or so from the ceiling. We were then able to decorate each half according to our own wishes (including our side of the partition.

OP I’m sorry but if you’re paying for Sky and Netflix and multiple holidays and bloody £120 coats then you need to re-examine your priorities. You have said that your toddler is currently sleeping with you but that is not going to be a permanent situation is it?

You’ve also said there was no relationship breakdown but haven’t answered when people have asked you if your partner also lives with you. Has he passed away? Is that why you had to move?

If finances aren’t an issue and you own the house, I’d look at reconfiguring the layout. What if your oldest stays another 10 years or more? Even if a loft conversion or extension isn’t possible, I bet you could still get 3 smallish bedrooms in. How about having the kitchen in the front bedroom (I wouldn’t want either dc sleeping here if security a concern). You may even add value if it’s a popular area. Make sure one bedroom fits those bunk beds though ;)

OP - I'm in a similar situation, albeit a boy and girl 10 years apart. They both have a bedroom and I sleep in the lounge.

Sofa beds are extremely uncomfortable and I suffer with back and hip pain too, but I've recently bought a daybed that looks like a sofa during the day with loads of cushions on it, but has a proper mattress - it's really comfortable and I've found it a good compromise. That might be a better solution than a traditional sofa bed?

there was a poster - Colditz I think - who commented further back about what to say to DD "yes it would be lovely to have rooms each" etc - so acknowledging her feelings but without it being her fault or your fault. Noone likes to be told they are spoilt or ungrateful. You could deal with her in a way that acknowledged her desires without feeling you had to provide all the solutions to them.

Not that it's any help but my sisters shared until one left home aged 21. They rowed so often about 'their' side of the room that may parents drew a chalk line down the middle and told them to get on with it. They each decorated their half with posters etc.
Then they rowed about the bloody door.

Lots of kids share. It's not a third world thing. It's not a huge family thing. It's just a thing. No biggie.

AngeloMysterioso

I haven't said I'm struggling for money. It's a coat not an Apple Mac.
If I was living on the breadline I could understand these comments but I'm not.
Just trying to give my children a happy life.

I have always shared with my sister who is 5 years younger than me. When I turned 13 my mum put our wardrobes down the middle of our bedroom to give me a little bit of privacy. I had a tiny alcove on one side with a bed and my sister did on the other. I had to walk through her section so it felt like my own space. I loved it. I put posters up and had a little rug. Could that be an option?

If you’re not struggling for money then why are you living in a home that isn’t realistically big enough for an adult, a toddler, a teenager and a dog?

Are you ever going to answer the questions about your DP or just continue to ignore them?

angelo - lots of us have asked questions that have been ignored. the classic is about the shed idea. if you read the thread back you will see what I mean. And then on page 20 the OP says "oh yes and by the way the reason I have a garden is because we also have a dog" so of course all of us suggesting building in the garden based on there being no dog, can now see why the OP would want a garden if she has a dog. But that apparently isn't drip feeding.

if this is the worst of your teens behaviour in the coming years then you can count yourself lucky as most teenagers are challenging and some more so than others. she said it to make you feel upset because she knew it would. Not asking you to agree with me OP - there is no reason why you should give a shiny shit about my view of life. what I am asking is that you stop for a minute and give your teen the time and space to consider the options. or rather not all the options but the ones that you are prepared to offer.

kitchen and single room at front and lounge and large bedroom at back. Bathroom in the middle.

I see your DD has refused the single room because its at the front of the house. Can you swap the single room around with the lounge so both your bedrooms are at the back. Then you & youngest can share the 'old lounge' as a new bedroom and your teenager stays where she is.

OP I thing genuinely you are reflecting the things you are grateful for into her ie holidays etc. Honestly as a teenager I would have rather had my only room 365 days of the year than holidays. You keep saying money isn't an issue so move or do a loft conversion. Your house isn't big enough for your family. You are buying 4 holidays a year and expansive coats - I think you have your priorities wrong and they are over riding her needs as a developing adult.

FFS can you PLEASE, OP, stop telling @mummymeister to stop commenting?!? If she wants to fucking well comment, she can! Bejeezus....I feel like I'm in the fucking playground actually saying this to you, like you don't get how a forum works! You can't expect someone to shut up just because you say so. Quite frankly (and I don't know mummymeister from fucking Adam irl) her comments are a voice of sanity alongside yours but that's just my imho and it's not worth the paper it's written on because I'm a random off the internet. However, YOU bloody well asked if you wbu making your teen share with a tot. Most thought you were, some didn't. Either don't ask, or ask but ignore the responses...all that is fine. But stop telling ppl not to speak just because you don't like their answers to the question you put out to a load of randoms on the net! Twattish.

thank you Donkey. I was beginning to think it was me!

I honestly don't know why people post if they don't want other peoples opinions. Perhaps the thread will be useful to someone else in a similar position who is a bit more open to considering some of the suggestions made.

In 3 years time the landscape will look very different because the stress around GCSE's makes even the most reasonable teen go a bit off the plot. Heading things off at the pass is always a better idea isn't it?