To think daughter is ungrateful/expects too much

[Pompom42]

Have a teenage daughter she's 13.
She currently shares a bedroom with her younger sister. The younger sister is 3 but isn't really sleeping in there atm she still sleeps in my room with me.
We have a 2 bed bungalow which is not tiny but not large either. But we are all on the one floor so I appreciate we do get in each other's way at times.
Just recently she keeps saying to me "wish I didn't have to share a room with my sister".
Whilst it isn't ideal as I said youngest isn't sleeping in there. It's a nice room and was all decorated and new beds etc 2 years ago.
Now she's started saying "this house is tiny, when can we move?"
"All my friends houses are bigger, this house is really really tiny compared to theres"
I've said to her tonight I can't afford anything else. We live in a naice area and at the time it was this house or nothing. We have a drive and a garden and it's in a pretty village.
For some reason it's made me feel really upset. AIBU in thinking she's spoilt? Or is this normal teenage behaviour?
What about years ago when you had families of 6 children all living in a 3 bed house.
What can I say to her?

IceRebel

The 3 year old doesn't want to sleep in that room atm. She's quite happy with mummy. When she's ready I will

...and you wonder why your teen is rude, expects too much and is ungrateful.

you don't have a solution. you have a martyrdom. well done you.

Has anyone considered the OP may need a bungalow? - bungalows tend to be smaller than houses and more expensive.

She is getting an unbelievable amount of grief on here and ridiculous expectations that she can simply just move, onwards and upwards or move into the living room.

Late to the thread but could someone explain why the recording studio is sacrosanct? Surely the ideal solution is to make that the elder daughter's room? Problem solved.

blueskiesandforests

No toys in the bedroom. All in the lounge.
They have bunk beds in there. A 2 seater chair, a tv on the wall, chest of drawers and a large freestanding mirror with storage behind the mirror.
Plenty of floor space as that was the reason for getting bunk beds, eldest wanted more floor space as 2 single beds in the room would have meant less floor space but could have put a divider up.
3 year old has never slept in the room, they sometimes sit in there and watch a film together.

Bluelady

It's a form of income

Music studio sounds more like a nicely decorated large shed, good enough for a bit of work and teaching, not as a permanent bedroom. If the teenager doesn’t want to sleep in a room at the front of the house, why would she like a garden shed?

mummymeister
Please stop commenting

SingaporeSlinky

Yes
There's a bit of damp in there too

“Surely the ideal solution is to make that the elder daughter's room? Problem solved.”

Actually, there are very few people who would see locking a just 13 year old of the house at night to sleep in tarted-up shed as the perfect solution.

Op, look, you don't need to sleep in the Living room for goodness sake, but do accept that instead of calling your own child horrible things like ungrateful that it's fairly normal behaviour for a thirteen year old not to particularly wish to share a room with a three year old and sleep in a bunk bed. In fact it would be more unusual if she proactively wanted it

It is what it is, don't get your knickers in a twist. Plenty of kids share. And yes, probably most of them would prefer they didn't, particularly, if there is a big age gap.

SaucyJack

Yes, she's easily scared too. This is why she doesn't want to sleep in front bedroom. Been loads of burglaries around here lately. I had my car broken into on the drive aswell about 5 months ago. In the summer she wouldn't be able to sleep in front bedroom with window open.

Pompom42 I was basing my (possibly incorrect) assumption on my previous experience of living in a 2 bed bungalow. It was tiny, I said I appreciate yours may not be as small. My kitchen was about 8’ by 6’, living room and dining room were combined (but a large room - it was the whole front of the house. Main bedroom fitted a double bed, wardrobe, drawers and a TV, second bedroom fitted single bed with single wardrobe, bathroom was off the hallway between bed 2 and living room). All I was meaning was that there is no room that isn’t always in use IYSWIM? And as I said, if I had the TV on in the living room, it could be heard all over the house, so no option for anyone else to watch something different in a different room, for me it wasn’t an issue but I could see how it could be with multiple people (whoever they may be).

I think you’re making the best of your situation and I apologise if some of my previous posts seem harsh. 10 years is a big gap though and won’t be practical in the long term. As I said earlier my DB has just moved so my DN can have a decent sized room (she had her own room at their old house but it was too small for her to do anything other than sleep in). My DBs DSD is in her 2nd year of uni but lives at home and commutes to save money, even if she lived out she would still have needed somewhere to stay, they know it is likely she won’t fully move out for another 5/6 years and it wasn’t fair to expect my DN to be in a tiny room into her teens.

Iamyourequal and IceRebel you do realise that your career on MN is doomed to failure ? Far too bloody sensible. Do you not realise that children MUST be pandered to at every request and not giving them their own bedroom is tantamount to condemning your child to a lifetime of psychological disturbance. (Even though she clearly DOES have her own room).

No wonder the country is full of self absorbed , entitled people who feel exhausted by the very suggestion of 'making do' or 'doing something for others' - when their parents have reinforced the belief that their needs must be subjugated in favour of their children. At all times.

On planet normal - parents do the best they can with the resources they have. The children are grateful.
Pp suggestion that Mum and 3yr old share big room if daughters sharing doesn't work is sensible and practical.

Did wonder if their might be room in the roof for a study - if not an actual bedroom. Would provide an 'escape' from annoying 6/7 yr old for 14/15yr old.

OP don’t sleep in the front room. Just explain to your dd the reasons you can’t microbe house, and she’ll have to suck it up and deal with it. By pandering to her like sleeping in the front room will only encourage this entitled behaviour she’s got. Plenty of siblings share rooms. My DD’s hate sharing a room when we go on holiday, do I said they either share it or we don’t go, simple! Surprising how quickly they changed their minds. There were trying it on basically, which is probably what your dd is doing

Could you save on some of that and build her a small cabin in the garden?

If OP's daughter doesn't want to sleep alone at the front of the house, I'd be surprised if she would want to sleep in a shed, no matter how comfy it was.

Iamyourequal and IceRebel you do realise that your career on MN is doomed to failure ? Far too bloody sensible.

Haha not often i'm called sensible. But if my career on her is doomed does that mean I have to go to Netmums

MissCharleyP

Yes it's a bit like that. Single bedroom and kitchen at front of house, bathroom halfway down the hall. Large bedroom and lounge at the back of the house. Garden is entered through the lounge too.
It's not tiny but not big.
I've been in smaller 2 bed starter homes where you couldn't move and I've been in massive bungalows.
Good thing is it's in a nice village with fab networks and it has a garden. I have a dog so was worried about him.
I have a drive to which I know a teenager won't care about that.
In the single room I have a double bed and small wardrobe but only a tiny amount of walking space next to the bed.
I'm in 2 minds to be grateful for what we have and to make the best out of a bad situation or to try and sort it out

I think if I were in your shoes (and we’re seriously pushed for space too, with large age gap between DC) I would continue to share a room with the younger DC, not expect the teenager to share her room. As a teenager it’s nice to have some privacy, somewhere to chat to friends and somewhere to study that doesn’t have to be shared with a little one. We’re room sharing with youngest for foreseeable future. It’s ok, she doesn’t need her own room yet, she’s happy with us and I don’t think it would be fair to our eldest otherwise.

OP - I think part of why people are getting frustrated with you is that you haven't realised that your DD is now a teenager and you're still judging her like the child she used to be.

Maybe she used to love holidays. Teenagers tend to be not so keen on family holidays.
£120 on a coat sounds very generous. Did she want a coat and will she wear it? I don't know any teenagers that wear coats ...
She loves the trampoline - I doubt she will play on it next summer, except perhaps to play with her sister.

I have a 12 year old and a 14 year old. As others have said, they need a place to "hide" and a place to study where they won't be disturbed.
Ideally you'd be able to provide this for her.
DD has a friend that lives in a 1 bed bungalow with her dad and grandmother. They've partitioned off the bedroom and living room to make 3 small bedrooms. Friend's room is tidy (it's a cabin bed and storage under and not much else, but she has a space to call her own.

if my career on her is doomed does that mean I have to go to Netmums

WASH YOUR MOUTH OUT!

Involve her in discussions of the mechanics of finance, wages, budgeting, mortgages.

Show her that at the moment moving isn’t a feasible option.

What about a loft conversion? Cheaper than moving. She could help plan it.

OP - I don't think there is much to be said here to be honest. Whatever reaffirmations you receive will be completely objective - there is no wrong or right.

Neither of you are wrong.
Yes, most teenagers can be selfish.
Yes, obviously most teenagers would prefer not to share a room with a toddler.

That's just how it is. You can't expect her to be happy with it, but you can't do anything about it, so that's that. Just one of those things.

I shared a room, as I've said before - and so have many others on this thread.

I would have LOVED my own space, but it wasn't a possibility, and I'm sure the same can be said of all of us.

And yet look how psychologically well-balanced we all are . . . .

People who are complaining that if OP has the money she should extend/ build on etc - don't forget that it isn'tjust money involved. In some areas, many buildings are listed and can't be altered, in others it isn't easy to get planning permission, or there may not be enough space.

Stop picking on Pompoms she's doing her best to cope with a teenager and a toddler on her own and just wanted to vet, get some reassurance and perhaps be given some helpful advice.

*vent, not vet