To think daughter is ungrateful/expects too much

[Pompom42]

Have a teenage daughter she's 13.
She currently shares a bedroom with her younger sister. The younger sister is 3 but isn't really sleeping in there atm she still sleeps in my room with me.
We have a 2 bed bungalow which is not tiny but not large either. But we are all on the one floor so I appreciate we do get in each other's way at times.
Just recently she keeps saying to me "wish I didn't have to share a room with my sister".
Whilst it isn't ideal as I said youngest isn't sleeping in there. It's a nice room and was all decorated and new beds etc 2 years ago.
Now she's started saying "this house is tiny, when can we move?"
"All my friends houses are bigger, this house is really really tiny compared to theres"
I've said to her tonight I can't afford anything else. We live in a naice area and at the time it was this house or nothing. We have a drive and a garden and it's in a pretty village.
For some reason it's made me feel really upset. AIBU in thinking she's spoilt? Or is this normal teenage behaviour?
What about years ago when you had families of 6 children all living in a 3 bed house.
What can I say to her?

junebirthdaygirl

I think you're right, it will be something else next week.
She's a young 13 I feel, I need to explain to her what my income and outgoings are and this is a normal income for most.
She's not living a deprived life, we have food, a car, a job and go on holidays.
We vary each year from abroad, Butlins, caravan park etc it's not always the same thing.
She's been to Florida 4 years ago she's very lucky. I'm aware all that's been forgotten now.

I think this is very standard from teens at secondary. Most of ds1's friends live in Mahoosive houses and ours is one of the smallest. Even I am aware of it!! But that's the way it is.
Its ok for you to have a conversation with her and explain why things are the way they are.

Also, its HER shed, not for sharing. for her hobby and some pin money as she has another job

FFS how do you know it’s ‘pin money’? It might be necessary to supplement her income to the level she needs. She might be building up a client base so that it becomes her main job. You’re just making things up now.

I can't think of many 13 yr olds who'd not be unhappy about this. And it will only get worse - when she's 17 and her sister is 8. I guess it is fortunate that they are both girls. Imagine how it would be if her sibling was a little boy!

You need to sit down with her and work out a solution together. That will respect her feelings and make her part of the solution.

Growing up I had to share a bedroom with 2 Sisters. An older 1 who smelt as she never washed and a younger one 12 years younger than me.
I hated it as I was very academic focused and struggled as younger 1 went to bed at 7 and older 1 got up for work at 7. I was desperate for privacy. It is what it is she should stop being so entitled! You should not give up your bedroom for her!
I was desperate to go to University and at 18 I finally did and got my own room in halls.

I think all that is a false equivalence though - its not like you build up "points" of treats and holidays then use that against the child later down the line. She had no influence in your spending decisions.

Frankly I think my 12 year old would be happy to not go on family holidays and would rather spend time hanging out with her friends in her own room, I imagine your dd would say the same.

I only read to page 14/13 or something, but you mentioned sharing with your toddler another year then seeing if a sofa bed is suitable due to your sciatica (sorry if spelt incorrectly). If you are still considering that, Would a day bed you can use as a sofa be better for you than a sofa bed as i believe they use real mattresses?

Something like this www.ikea.com/gb/en/products/beds/guest-beds-day-beds/hemnes-day-bed-frame-with-3-drawers-grey-art-60372276/?cid=gb%7Cps%7Cpla%7C%7C%7C%7C&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIrMTx4YO93gIVwud3Ch3arQWrEAQYAyABEgKO7PD_BwE

Most teens are unappreciative.
Ds1 and I had a very interesting conversation after thsi recent October 1/2 term.
I always found him quite entitled and ungrateful till then. All his football mates live in huge houses with parents both earning a fortune. I work 3 days.
He just got back from a Slovakian school exchange programme, where the children are poor and some had bruises from parents. And he went to Auschwitz. He came back more appreciative. Perspective.

Soydora - because the Op said it was pin money and not her main income as she had another job which was full time. So, I know it because the OP said so. Perhaps you need to read the full thread before accusing people of making things up.

"making memories" is what adults say when its something that they want to do and they try and justify it.

When you say her friends share rooms...what is the age difference between them and their siblings? I grew up in the ‘80s and off the top of my head can only think of one family who had kids who shared. They had 3 kids (1 boy, 2 girls) and a three bed semi on the same road as me. The third bedroom was tiny so they used that as an office and converted the attic for the two girls to share, but there was only four years between them. When their brother went to uni (he was about 9 years older than the youngest) the oldest sister moved into his room and went back to sharing in the holidays.

Small houses can be just as nice, but not when you’re living on top of each other. It sounds like none of you have your own space, as I said I lived in a house that sounds very similar to yours and while lovely for a single person, I think it wouldn’t have been liveable in for more than two adults. I live in a smaller house than I used to but we (just me and DH) have enough room that we can do separate things without it impacting on the other. For example, yesterday he watched football in the living room while I listened to a podcast and did a jigsaw in the dining room. If the doors are closed we can’t hear each other’s noise. This wasn’t the case in my bungalow. I appreciate yours may be different but as someone says, bungalows aren’t that well designed for family living.

I do hate it when people expect teens to be grateful for ordinary parenting.

Ungrateful is such a bitter accusation.

Expecting a 13 year old to be grateful for having what to her appears to be the basics is deeply unrealistic and verging on narcissistic tbh.

If we provide our children with something around the average for their peer group (a peer group determined largely by where we live) they won't be grateful, they'll take it as normal, especially when we as parents have made the choices (naice area above a bedroom per child, recording studio for mum instead of study/ den to give teen space from toddler etc).

It doesn't mean they should get away with bratish behaviour, but expecting them to be grateful is a bit rich. More sensible to explain that money only stretches so far, and these are the choices you've made for xyz reasons.

The OP's daughter presumably has upheaval and possibly bereavement impacting on her behaviour just as the OP herself does, and the adult in the situation has to allow for that even though they are impacted themselves sadly.

I know your opinion is that it is ok to share a room and I agree. However what is your loft like? When I was a teen my Dad boarded the loft of our bungalow and we had a window put in. He made wood panelled walls and built in wardrobes with a built in desk. The only access was a loft ladder so it couldn't be classed as a bedroom but it was my own space and I loved it.

KERALA1
No she wouldn't she loves holidays. She has said this.
Then she'd be moaning about that

@Pompom42

You seem very defensive in your replies to myself as well as other posters. Seems more like you just want confirmation that your choices on the housing situation are okay.

I know my situation when I was younger was different to your daughter seeing as you are in a nice area and you do drive, but I was just giving it as an example. I can understand how your daughter feels.

I know the situation is tough and you don't want to move etc but thinking in the longer term, what will you when your daughter is 18 and expected to share with an 8 year old? She may still be in full time education and even if working may not be able to afford a place on her own. It's not uncommon nowadays for kids to be staying with parents for years into adulthood to save for their own place. You may even want her to stay because she is good emotional support, source of childcare etc. Why would you not want a place that has more than enough room for all 3 of year to live comfortably with your own personal space and providing the option for both DD to stay with you into adulthood if required?

At 13, and given the current sleeping arrangements its not urgent for you to move at all, you can explain your situation to your daughter, but I hope you are thinking about these things for the future.

I repeat my question is there somewhere within a couple of miles that is more affordable?

Even if it is ‘pin money’, it supplements her income.

MissCharleyP

Why do we not have our own space?
13 year old is in her room alone atm
I have my room and toddler sleeps in it. Goes bed 630/7 currently

Sorry, trying to keep up with thread but apologies if I’ve skipped anything.
OP, you mentioned tragedy, which to me means a death in the immediate family. If so, she’s also processing grief as well as raging hormones. Be kind to yourself, and to her.

The OP has offered her daughter the single room and she has refused it, so clearly “sharing” with her sister is not impacting on her as much as she makes out otherwise she would jump at the chance. She could ask her again when her little sister actually starts using the bedroom, as that may change her mind.

And apologies for this being completely off topic, but @Oliversmumsarmy:

FWIW I live in a bungalow.

They are the worst designed houses in the world ever. (actual fact)

Please could you give me the source of your “actual fact”?

I think part of the problem is the drip feed, in only responding to some questions and not others so people are filling in the gaps. But to be fair, it would probably be outing to reveal all. From what I have gathered, OPs partner died (sorry if this is the case) so she’s had to downsize, is possibly living in a house owned by relatives, hence can’t just add an extension or convert the loft, or move. She has said several times she’s lived in the area for a long time, she hasn’t chosen a nice area, her teenager has just been comparing friends properties. Apologies if that’s completely wrong, but I’m sure you’ve had a go at posters assuming one way or the other, renting or owning, and have said you can’t move. It would explain why she can afford nice things here and there, but not necessarily afford to just upsize or spend tens of thousands extending. She’s clearly said she uses the music studio shed for teaching, so it’s not as simple as saying she can give that up as a den for teenage DD.

OP I think you have been given as many helpful suggestions now as you’re going to get, so it’s up to you to take that advice or not, and carry on. I think having a calm chat with DD, explaining the realities of where the money goes each month, and the options again. So either she stays in larger room by herself for the time being, but 3 year old joining her soon in the bunk beds, or she has the smaller room to herself, with less space but more privacy. And that’s just the way it is. It’s normal for her to start comparing her house to her friends but try and keep the conversations with her calm and listen to her. Tell her that whining and shouting won’t help but you’re open to having a proper discussion about it.

soydora - did I say it didn't supplement her income?

the Op has made all the choices - about holidays, about sleeping arrangements, about the use of the recording studios, about having sky and other things. then she is shocked and surprised when her teen turns around as says she doesn't like it!

there is absolutely no need for the OP to be a mummy martyr and sleep on a put you up in the lounge. no need at all. she has 2 bedrooms for sleeping in and a recording studio that the teen could use to do homework in but for some reason isn't allowed.

in all of this OP I hope you can see how your selfishness is leading to your teens selfish behavior. she sees it, she copies it.

put yourself in her shoes and discuss it with her. two options - single room alone or big room shared. give her a week to think it over and in the meantime move the younger one into the big room so that she can see what sharing will be like. and be prepared for her view to change.

there is no need to move. there is a need to listen and for life to be a little less about what you want to do with your spare time and sharing the recording studio space. you cant expect her to be unselfish if she perceives that you aren't.

NRPDad

I'm defensive yes as it's upsetting people saying to me I shouldn't be popping out kids and should have thought about having another child. Not saying you said this.
I don't want people to say the living situation is ok.
I just wanted peoples perceptive to say well my kids share and they are 10 years apart etc.
I'm going to give toddler my room and I'll sleep in the lounge.
I didn't choose this house or choose to live here I had a certain amount of say in it yes otherwise I'd have been homeless so figured this was better than that.

Pomp does your younger DD keep her toys in the shared bedroom and have the right to wander in and out and play in there because its her room too, even though she sleeps in your room? Is it in that case privacy and a space she can close the door on your older DD lacks, rather than it being about sleeping alone?

I'm going to give toddler my room and I'll sleep in the lounge.

Without being rude now you're just being silly. A 3 year old doesn't need their own room.

Like many have said you need to move the 3 year old into the larger room with her sister, then in a few weeks ask the eldest if she wants to carry on sharing or if she wants the smaller room to herself. If she wants the smaller one you share the larger with the toddler, if she wants to keep sharing you have the smaller room to yourself.

mummymeister

I'm not selfish and haven't made ALL the choices.
I do well to give them what they have.
I'm happy your life is so perfect.
Don't call me selfish again.
I have a solution now so won't require your input any further

OP - there is absolutely no need for you to sleep in the lounge. None at all. this is what a moody teenager would do - toys out the pram and behave like a martyr.

move the youngest in to her room you stay in the small room. give it a week or whatever then say what is best DD - own small room or sharing the big room. then just review it, every few months.

some people think a 10 year gap to share is fine and some don't. but the only people that matter in this are the 3 of you.

you came on here wanting people to agree with you and they don't. not all of them anyway.