To think daughter is ungrateful/expects too much

[Pompom42]

Have a teenage daughter she's 13.
She currently shares a bedroom with her younger sister. The younger sister is 3 but isn't really sleeping in there atm she still sleeps in my room with me.
We have a 2 bed bungalow which is not tiny but not large either. But we are all on the one floor so I appreciate we do get in each other's way at times.
Just recently she keeps saying to me "wish I didn't have to share a room with my sister".
Whilst it isn't ideal as I said youngest isn't sleeping in there. It's a nice room and was all decorated and new beds etc 2 years ago.
Now she's started saying "this house is tiny, when can we move?"
"All my friends houses are bigger, this house is really really tiny compared to theres"
I've said to her tonight I can't afford anything else. We live in a naice area and at the time it was this house or nothing. We have a drive and a garden and it's in a pretty village.
For some reason it's made me feel really upset. AIBU in thinking she's spoilt? Or is this normal teenage behaviour?
What about years ago when you had families of 6 children all living in a 3 bed house.
What can I say to her?

The real issue could be anything:
had to move to the area to care for ill relative
had to sell a house & move to a bungalow because of a life changing illness/accident
is in witness protection scheme so had no choice in the matter
etc
As the garden is large, I'd consider buying a 10x12 shed or bigger, depending what I could afford, insulating it and turning it into a teenage den for 13 yo and friends to hang out/study in etc. Would not cost much more than £1K incl furninshings, but would be different from her friends arrangements and would be nice enough that they'd want to chill chez Pompom42, meaning 13yo would feel left out. You could encourage 13yo to save pocket money / do chores to kit out her den.

Thanks Ariela
The truth is I was in a 3 bed when pregnant so did think it all through properly.
I'm not "popping out" kids as some have said.
I'm now in a 2 bed bungalow not by choice but out of necessity.
I didn't move here by choice. I've lived in this area 20 years, I didn't purposely move my children to a "naice" area but are very lucky to grow up here.
I have a large shed in the garden that is a music studio.
I have a "normal" job but this is a part time job to make extra money.
It's not a hobby.
I can make money from it.
I've offered daughter smaller room she's said no this morning, I'll ask her again in a week.
In the meantime I will share with toddler in my room then if my sciatica allows I will sleep in the lounge.
I've taken everyone's comments on board but some people are just plain rude or relating it to their own lives.
I can't have an extension and unsure about a loft conversion.

Ariela - I suggested that about 6 pages ago. the OP said then she already had a shed and it was not for her daughter to use. Now she says the shed is heated, insulated and is a recording studio and that there isn't space for another shed. Also, its HER shed, not for sharing. for her hobby and some pin money as she has another job.

If the OP is complaining that her daughter is moaning, aggressive, unwilling to compromise and generally being a pain, perhaps she needs to look at the way she has responded to those of us on this thread who don't agree with her.

I'll ask her again in a week. In the meantime I will share with toddler in my room

No, that's pointless. She isn't going to change her mind if she isn't sharing. You are asking her to swap a large room she has to herself, to a small room she will have to herself.

In order to make a better decision she needs know what it's like to share with her sister if she is in the larger room.

If she wants the larger room she shares, starting now. If she doesn't want to share she has the smaller room.

Icerebel - completely agree. she needs to see what the comparison is. at the moment she is alone in the biggest room so being alone in the smallest room seems like a worse deal. if she shares with the younger girl for a couple of weeks and then the OP asks she will get a better more considered answer from her teen.

teens like time to think things over. snap decisions are invariably not good.

Cancel sky and stop the expensive holiday. A basic loft conversion isn't too much so you'd get it done quite soon with saving that money and as much extra you can put aside too.

“at the moment she is alone in the biggest room.”

Indeed she is (!)

Poor, poor child. I don’t know how the OP sleeps at night.

Perhaps you ought to get a roll mat on the kitchen floor? But then what if the DD wants a drink?

Whichever way you work it, you’ll be an utterly selfish person for daring to inconvenience your child by existing in your own home in the eyes of some of these headcases.

Iaimtomisbehave1

The money isn't an issue. I haven't said anywhere I don't have the money to do it.

SaucyJack

😀

Someone even went as far to say she has been an inconvenience since she was born. At no point have I said that.

Do you’ve got the money to do the loft conversion - why not then? It’ll also make the property more saleable (assuming you’ve bought it).

The money isn't an issue. I haven't said anywhere I don't have the money to do it.

If the money isn't an issue then would there be a possibility of renting a slightly larger house? (I think you said you rent but apologies if not)

I would consider other areas that are more affordable and find a 3 bed to move to.

I was from a poor single parent household living in a rough area in social housing, fortunately an only child, so no room sharing, but I went to a school full of mainly middle class homeowning families. I was embarassed to have any friends over. A lot of them had kitchens or living rooms that were larger than a whole floor of my house. It didn't help that my mum didn't drive so I was always relying on friend's parents to give me lifts to parties etc. I can understand your daughters frustration.

Is there anywhere within a couple of mile that is noticeably more affordable and less 'naice'? (why does everyone on here use this phrase? I don't get it).

Similar gap between me and my sister. We shared a room. I hated it. Once she was actually in the room it meant I couldn't hang out in there in the evening, do homework or have friends over. I felt like I didn't have my own space, and my relationship with my parents really deterioriated, as although it is nice to spend time as a family the dynamic changes when someone, especially a teen, if forced to be with them because they have no-where else in the house to be. It was pretty miserable. Although the three year old isn't in with her yet, it won't be long before she is and you will have to deal with these issues. Any possibility of a loft conversion, or extension? It would increase your property value, and at least your older child would know that it is only until that is done.

NRPDad

I'm not moving out of the area.
I do drive.
My daughter has grown up in this area. Her school is 5 min walk, my job is 5 minutes drive.
It's not embarrassing in this house.
It's a very nice house.
Smaller houses can be just as nice as bigger houses.
In her head her friends have everything.
In reality those parents are tied to massive mortgages so can't holiday etc and they do share rooms.

Then why havnt you done it?

I have 2 boys. I bought a 2 bed bungalow. It only had 1 living room, 1 large kitchen diner, 1 bathroom and 2 double bedrooms. But it's in a good area, with a huge garden and I couldn't get a bigger house for the money I had. But I could buy this house and then do a double extension and loft conversion. It's now 4 bedrooms with one en suite, one jack and Jill style bathroom, and one guest bathroom, 2 living rooms, dining room, library/study, utility, downstairs loo, game room and my work studio.

Nothing wrong with getting a small house, but my priority was turning it into exactly the house I wanted. If money isn't an issue then I really don't understand not doing a simple conversion which is cheap, quick with little disruption.

Smaller houses can be just as nice as bigger houses.

That's true, but I don't know anyone who would choose to live in a small house when they had the option to move into a larger one.

1. A loft extension would - if you can afford the outlay - give you a solution to your immediate problem of accommodation for your DD. It’s a good financial decision too, as it would enhance the value of your bungalow.

1. I’m afraid your teen will carry on being just that. If it isn’t one thing it will be another. But we were all teens once. Don’t expect her to value the things you do just yet. She’ll come round.

Some of the replies on here are very disheartening. You cut your cloth to suit your circumstances, and OP your daughter is behaving appallingly and needs told so, do not pander to her things are they way they are and you should not under any circumstance jeapordise your own health (physical or mental) or security because she feels entitled to her own room (which she is not btw) or a fancy house like her friends. You are creating a rod for your own back if you do so.

Look she is only entering her teenage years, you have years of this ahead. Grow a thick skin and give her a hug and say l know darling its tough. Say it again and again. It will be something else next week.
My dsis has teens who thought at 13 they were deprived that they had to holiday in a caravan..their own well set up caravan. A luxury to a lot of people. My dc complained they never got to camp or go in a caravan as they were forced to go to fancy hotels. Poor miserable things!
With teens you need to let most roll off you and be confident in your own skin.
If she gets a whiff that this is a vunerable area for you she will be in for the kill every time. She wants to stay out late..no..but l have to share a room and have a miserable life.
I did it to my own dm 40 years ago. She would ask me to clean my room and l would create a big drama about sharing with my dsis to divert her off the subject so l could sit on my lazy arse.
Teens complain. Do listen and don't go on about Africa or ungratefulness then. Agree its tough and move on.

IceRebel

When did I say I have the option to move into a larger house? When did I say that. Don't you think if I could I would have? Why didn't I think of that damn.

That's true, but I don't know anyone who would choose to live in a small house when they had the option to move into a larger one

Well that must be because you only mix with the type of people who think like that.

I could afford a much bigger/nicer house than I have, but I choose to stay where I am because my house is big enough and I prefer to have more money for nice things, and also so my necessary outgoings are low, in case I lose my job or whatever.

Not everyone is obsessed with living in the biggest house they could possibly afford. And moving or improving is expensive, time consuming, disruptive, messy and generally unpleasant all round, not everyone enjoys it.

And the OPs not depriving her DD with her current living arrangements. I'm sure she has her reasons for living where she is now and she may reconsider when her younger DD is a bit older, it's up to her.

I guess its personal but for me ensuring my children had their own rooms post 12 ish would be an extremely high priority. I don't think your dd is being unreasonable or bratty to want this. Posters saying she is and harking back to the days we lived 10 to a room and jolly well put up with it are being ridiculous. I think its incredibly important. I would have hated to share at that age - its fine when they are little but as you develop you need your own space and privacy. I would value that over all the other stuff the op mentions.

My dd1 is a similar age at a state school and none of her peers share a room. Their own rooms are very important to them.

A PP with 6 kids crammed in who gaily admitted none of her family "had any personal space" made me wince.

I don't think she is spoilt or ungrateful: she is just entering an age, where peer pressure and peer comparison mean a lot. It doesn't even matter if you can say that there are teenagers and maybe even some of her classmates and friends, who live in either similar or even smaller houses. She will only see what she wants and can see from her own current standpoint.

The other thing to bear in mind is that teenagers need privacy and sharing a room with a 3 year old can be their idea of a nightmare. This isn't just about sleeping arrangements. I assume that sharing a room means that the 3-year old can come in there whenever she wants, keep her toys and other things there? Bear in mind that, in her own bedroom, your teenage daughter may want to keep items that she doesn't want to share with the 3-year old or, in fact, the 3-year old to see at all!

The only thing I can advise you to do is be open and honest about this and have an upfront adult conversation with her about the finances. Tell her exactly what you said to us here, i.e. that the home you have is the only one you can afford and that's unfortunately not going to change in the short term.

Before you have that chat, perhaps, there are compromises that can still be reached. For example, if the 3-year old sleeps with you anyway, then is it an option to move her bed into your bedroom? Is there an option to partition at least one of the bedrooms or another room to create 2 smaller spaces? Finally, is saving up for an extension an option? If the latter is an option, then one of the things to ask your teenage daughter is what sacrifices she would be prepared to make in the things she wants to allow you to save up for the extension?

It's all easier said than done, to be honest, OP, and there are no perfect or ideal answers. Teenagers are tough to deal with. I know that as I have one myself. But I still hope you can find a way to have an open adult conversation with your daughter. She needs to understand that money is at least one of the issues standing in the way of the solutions she is proposing to the separate bedroom problem and she needs to understand that not everybody earns the same amounts of money. She will then either continue complaining or will start thinking about motivating herself to study, get a job and move on. From that point, she will really get the answers as to what it takes to live in a house she wants in the area she considers desirable.

When did I say I have the option to move into a larger house? When did I say that. Don't you think if I could I would have? Why didn't I think of that damn.

You said money wasn't an issue when it came to a loft conversion. Although the area you live in is expensive there will more than likely be other areas nearby that are slightly cheaper. If you don't want to move that's fine, but given finances don't seem to be a worry saving for a slightly larger house could be a feasible option.

You cut your cloth to suit your circumstances

The OP has said she has the money? So this isn’t about affordability.

It’s about the OP choosing to let siblings who are ten years apart share when the eldest doesn’t want to. Ten years is a massive gap and if you can afford to do it differently then why not?

It’s not as if the OP is on the breadline. She can afford fancy holidays abroad and prioritises those, which happen a few times a year, over more living space which is lived in every day (except when on holiday).

That’s why I question the OP’s choices. Making memories is all very well but as many would tell you - some of the best memories cost nothing.