To think daughter is ungrateful/expects too much

[Pompom42]

Have a teenage daughter she's 13.
She currently shares a bedroom with her younger sister. The younger sister is 3 but isn't really sleeping in there atm she still sleeps in my room with me.
We have a 2 bed bungalow which is not tiny but not large either. But we are all on the one floor so I appreciate we do get in each other's way at times.
Just recently she keeps saying to me "wish I didn't have to share a room with my sister".
Whilst it isn't ideal as I said youngest isn't sleeping in there. It's a nice room and was all decorated and new beds etc 2 years ago.
Now she's started saying "this house is tiny, when can we move?"
"All my friends houses are bigger, this house is really really tiny compared to theres"
I've said to her tonight I can't afford anything else. We live in a naice area and at the time it was this house or nothing. We have a drive and a garden and it's in a pretty village.
For some reason it's made me feel really upset. AIBU in thinking she's spoilt? Or is this normal teenage behaviour?
What about years ago when you had families of 6 children all living in a 3 bed house.
What can I say to her?

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe

Off-thread comment.

I've just noticed your username and now I am shuddering. This is EXACTLY why I can't sleep at night unless almost every portion of my anatomy (other than my nose, for breathing reasons), is under the bedclothes, no matter how hot the weather.

As you were - back to topic.

Oliversmumsarmy
Making out I rent?
Piss off

I can’t believe the “move house, build an extension, convert the loft” brigade - just how much money do you think is floating around just waiting for a building project to come along. Holidays, nice clothes, decent standard of living benefits everyone in the house, yes it would be lovely if everyone could have their own room but how many times does the OP need to say it’s not possible. That doesn’t mean she’s on the breadline but there are lots of things that would preclude being able to find another bedroom by whatever means.

It won’t do any damage for the two DC to share a room - yes there needs to be some ground rules that help the teenager get some head space but suggesting the person paying for the house moves out of her only private space to give her teenager room is ridiculous. So, so much entitlement on this thread.

ah I see pompom42. could you just re-read how you responded to me previously last night?

why is a shed den not an option? not the right thing in a naice area?

I am not some sort of mummy martyr who eats bread and dripping so my kids can eat at nandos every night. but I do think that teenagers, if you want them to get good GCSE and A level results to set them up for the future, need a proper space to study in. and that could be a bedroom or it could be the dining room or it could be a shed/den or a conservatory. just some space somewhere in the house to study in, that's all.

you have a compromise. she has the small bedroom on her own or she shares with her sister. but give her TIME to make the decision. Not as she is going off to school. sit down. discuss it. give her until the end of the week to decide and if she says she wants the big bedroom then move the 3 year old back in to it to show that you mean what you say.

Obviously everyone else's lives are perfect on MN
No one has more children than they can afford. No one buys things they don't necessarily need.
Everyone else's lives are perfect. It's just mine that isn't and my 13 year old has a terrible life. Because I said I bought her a coat yesterday I'm in the wrong too.
It's a wonder I sleep at night.
We've always lived here I didn't move here intentionally to a naice area, we've been in this area almost 20 years. It's 10 min walk from secondary school.

Schadenfreude Apparently it's what I told a nurse when I came round after surgery years ago. It slightly freaked her out .

whether you rent or own is irrelevant to the issue.

I will share with toddler another year or so then see if my sciatica will allow me a sofa bed in the lounge.

Obviously, this is your decision, but personally I wouldn't. In practical sense, you then can't go to bed until your DD does - or you have to make her go to beds so you can. It's not straightforward.

But perhaps you could follow some other advice, leave your comfortable home in a nice area and move to some absolute shithole where your girls could each have their own room and all you'd need to worry about were the crap schools or an hour's journey each way to a decent one, and your DD not being able to socialise with her friends because she was too far from them.

But hey - she'd have her own room!

mummymeister if you read back I did comment I already have a shed but not for her use. Nothing to do with you why. It has heating in it and carpet and is a music studio.
Please stop commenting now

Can'tsleep*

A music studio is an unusual thing to have in the garden. Is that for your job?

mummymeister she has got somewhere to study. It's a house with two bedrooms, a kitchen and a lounge. There are only three people living there, they're hardly tripping over each other! Right now the 3 yr old doesn't even sleep in that room and when she does older dd will be free to use mums room or the lounge or the kitchen. This is not some terrible circumstance that's going to cause her to fail her exams and limit her life's opportunities!

The OP has a compromise. the eldest goes into the small front room on her own and she and the youngest share the larger back bedroom. the eldest has two choices - larger room and share with sibling, smaller room on your own.

there is no need to put sofa beds in the lounge or convert stuff or build things.

but the OP has to be sensitive to her teen and give her time to decide and also recognise that in 6 months time she might change her mind. or when her GCSE's start she might change her mind.

why is there always a rush to get a decision.

Some people are very black and white. Things aren't always straight forward. OP has already explained that she lived in a 3 bedroom home when she was pregnant with her second child- circumstances changed and she had to move. Things like that could easily happen to any one of us!

Also I'm not sure if she's said but maybe she she can't build an extension because she doesn't actually own the house? Maybe the house next door is very close so there's no space anywhere to extend? Maybe a loft conversion isn't an option because the pitch of the roof is too low? (our house is like this.)

I wonder if an element of this, OP, is that you're struggling to deal with your DD growing up. Some of the things you say when speaking about her sound like the things you'd say about a much younger child - such as she loves the garden and in the summer is out playing in it. Or she wanted bunk beds to share with her sister. That sounds like an 11 year old, not a 13 year old and really won't be true of a 15 year old (how would a 15 year old play in the garden?)

I think maybe you do need to accept that your DD is growing up, you're entering a new stage of life and parenting and need to think realistically about what that entails.

Yes schaden I'll do that.
Some of the comments I agree are ridiculous.
I've lived in this area 20 years or so.
I'm not poor neither am I rich.
I work hard so don't see why we should forgo holidays because MN thinks so.
I know I'll bring my 2 DDs up on a massive council estate with drug dealers and machetes but it'll be ok as eldest has her own room.
Good job she has her own room as she'll be too scared to go out at night on the estate.

It has heating in it and carpet and is a music studio

Yep, I have heard it all now.

stop commenting because I wont agree with you?

I feel sorry for your daughter. I can totally understand why she feels that way and every time someone tells you that you start arguing with them so not really sure why you bothered posting. YABU

If you'd have explained your situation from the start, you'd have had entirely different responses. Not that you're compelled to or anything but the replies you've had have wound you up/upset you. I'm really sorry you've had such a shit time. Sciatica is awful too. I've had it but it's under control now. Strong pain relief, Pilates and tennis ball massage.

CS12345

What situation should I have explained? I feel I put quite a lot in the beginning. Didn't want people not to read as too long

so to those of you saying about money and not affording an extension? Not many of us have a music studio at the bottom of the garden.

I will share with toddler another year or so then see if my sciatica will allow me a sofa bed in the lounge.

That will make the martyrs here very happy, OP. Make sure you come back and report on how right they were about your daughter’s privacy totally being worth a little inconvenient back pain.

To be honest I think you were a little selfish not thinking about this before you got pregnant. She's a teenager, she needs her privacy, needs a quiet place to do her work and that age gap is massive!

Sure she may be sounding rude the way she's saying it but I think she has valid points.

Is a machete wielding estate the only alternative to a naice but rather small bungalow?
I’m assuming the music studio is for work as surely the OP would consider sharing it if not.
I think you don’t need to change your sleeping arrangements half as much as you need to change your attitude to your dd, and to posters on here for that matter!

I'm guessing your music is a hobby as you haven't mentioned this as your job in the past and musicians working in the evenings are usually out past 7.30pm?