To think daughter is ungrateful/expects too much

[Pompom42]

Have a teenage daughter she's 13.
She currently shares a bedroom with her younger sister. The younger sister is 3 but isn't really sleeping in there atm she still sleeps in my room with me.
We have a 2 bed bungalow which is not tiny but not large either. But we are all on the one floor so I appreciate we do get in each other's way at times.
Just recently she keeps saying to me "wish I didn't have to share a room with my sister".
Whilst it isn't ideal as I said youngest isn't sleeping in there. It's a nice room and was all decorated and new beds etc 2 years ago.
Now she's started saying "this house is tiny, when can we move?"
"All my friends houses are bigger, this house is really really tiny compared to theres"
I've said to her tonight I can't afford anything else. We live in a naice area and at the time it was this house or nothing. We have a drive and a garden and it's in a pretty village.
For some reason it's made me feel really upset. AIBU in thinking she's spoilt? Or is this normal teenage behaviour?
What about years ago when you had families of 6 children all living in a 3 bed house.
What can I say to her?

There were 6 kids and 2 adults in a 3 bedroom council house when I was growing up. I had bunk beds and a cot in my bedroom. It was horrible. No space for anything.
We didn't have any space anywhere, my mom started watching soaps at 7pm meaning we had to stay in our bedrooms, with a toddler we couldn't wake up or disturb it was pretty crappy.
On one hand alot of people have it worse than your daughter, on the other hand if she's not happy with something she's allowed to tell you, she's 13, just sit down and have a proper adult discussion about the logistics and practicalities of it and that she will have to share.
I would have loved my own room, as the eldest I moved out at 18 to get my own space. Followed by the others.
Now there just 2 adults and 2 kids loving there and it's actually annoying sometimes to see the youngest get lots more money, space and time with their parents that I never got.

She already has a nice house in an expensive area

That is too small for the families needs.

I think the suggestion that the OP sit down with her DD and show where the money is going might backfire as the income seems to be able to sustain a life style only could afford and op could move to a cheaper area. If she wanted to.

Sharing a room is great if there is a small age gap but in this instance I can see why it is not working.

Whilst DD does have a room to herself ATM it isn't a permanent solution. At some point she is going to have to share

If she wanted to have a sleepover how would that work out in a shared room.

What would happen if she doesn't go to uni and ends up staying and sharing a room with her sister untill she is 25.

What would happen if she wants to bring her bf to stay.

Whilst it is great to live for today ultimately the future needs to be thought of.

FWIW I live in a bungalow.

They are the worst designed houses in the world ever. (actual fact)

About 4 years ago I redesigned mine, without altering the footprint to change it from 2 beds 1 bathroom to 4 beds 2 bathrooms because DD and ds were getting to that age they needed to have their own rooms.

DD and ds loved sharing when they were younger but got to an age when they needed their own privacy.

What can you say to her?

Say sorry.

Say "I know it's not ideal sharing with a toddler, you're really good for not waking her up"

Say "YOur sister will grow up knowing there's a big sister around to look after her"

Say "I wish I could give you a room to yourself. That would be nice, wouldn't it? I haven't got that sort of money though, I'm sorry."

For god's sake, don't blame her. There's nothing wrong with her having wishes, don't make her feel like a shitty person for wanting privacy at an age when most 13 year olds DO have it.

Op could you swap bedrooms so that DD can have you room and you share with youngest?

Op.

Last night your being very aggressive in your response when people are trying to help you

Teens are difficult yes. I have a 12 yr old 13 in a few weeks myself.

She constantly moans about being hard done by. She isn't!!!

It's the Age and the times we live in. It's not right but she should learn.

I also have a 13 year old daughter and a 3 year old daughter. Our youngest stays I with us. I will not put them in the same room. It wasn't my eldest choice to have a little sibling so why should she have to share her private space with her?
As a teen I also had younger siblings with the same age gap and had to share, I hated it. Nowhere to go that was mine and no privacy. I won't do that to my own children it's unfair.

I live in a small 3 bed house with 6 kids my oldest daughter of 21 has just moved out but I had 3 girls in biggest room ages being 21 19 10 and I have 2 boys 17 15 in another room and me and husband in the box room with 4 year old girl not once did my 21 year old moan about sharing my 19 year old has a little moans sometimes because younger ones leave toys out but that's all now the girls shareing are 19 10 and 4
but it carnt be helped in my house i dont have a dining room just small front room and kitchen no one in my tiny house gets personal space it's normal life for us

Hours after starting the thread the OP still hasn't explained why offering the eldest the smaller room isn't an option. Op you seem so fixated on the bespoke bunk beds, 5 family holidays, £120 coats and whist these are nice they are not what your daughter will remember in the future.

What she will remember is trying to cram her studying into a few hours after school.

Having nowhere to sit in peace and moan to friends down the phone about that boy from school.

Being unable to use her room after 7pm as her sister is asleep.

Finding her stuff has been moved, destroyed, school work coloured in by her sister.

Just give her the smaller room, sell the bunk beds if you can't sleep in them, and share the larger room with you youngest.

madeyemoody - I gave up responding to the OP last night and looks like she is done with the thread because we didn't all agree with her.

the issue isn't sleeping arrangements -its private space to study in. God only knows how the OP is going to cope over the next 3 to 4 years with a teenager if this is how she reacts at the first sign of any "its not fair" stuff.

The OP chose to have a second child. the OP chose to live in a house she knew would be too small and she chose the compromise of naice area over space. she chooses to go on holiday and she chooses to spend money on sky and other crap. Its all about her - all about what the OP wants and if the kids don't want to live with her choices then she goes off on one.

I suggested numerous times she get a shed, put a heater in it and a desk and her daughter could have it as a den. but no reply. just picking up on the fact that I had talked about a "downstairs".

there are lots of answers to this problem and loads of compromises. but unfortunately the OP is acting the teenager here and doing the "but I don't want to do that, I don't want to compromise"

what’s the point in popping out babies if you can’t afford to raise them? If sharing a bedroom with a 3 year old is no big deal as you insinuate, why isn’t she in your bedroom?

"Popping out babies" Hanx - OP has TWO - 10 years apart.

And if you read the opening post, you'll see that at the moment you toddler sleeps with her - it's just the her stuff is in the shared room.

"Popping out babies" Good Grief!

I've given up commenting after people swearing at me and saying I shouldn't have had a 2nd child.
I already said I was living in a 3 bed previous.
Tragedy meant I had to move. It was desperate circumstances.

The lounge is too small to partition off but the swapping bedrooms thing would work.
I've suggested to DD this morning but she doesn't want to be in the single room so I will share with toddler another year or so then see if my sciatica will allow me a sofa bed in the lounge.

I've suggested to DD this morning but she doesn't want to be in the single room

Dis she explain why not? Honestly i'm surprised by that response. Have you explained that if she stays in the bigger room she will have to share with her sister?

@Pompom42 don't listen to all these croakers, honestly I wonder if I'm on another planet sometimes when reading mumsnet.

Totally normal for kids that age gap to share a room. The teenager doesn't sound like she's said anything too bad, and that's only because "it's not faaaair". I remember saying much worse to my mum which I cringe about now.

How ridiculous that people are suggesting you put yourself in the front room and that she needs an entire room for study! Honestly.

She said it's too small and it's at the very front of the house. She doesn't want to be at the front bottom floor by herself.
She's currently at the back of the house

Crazymadmumof6 I presume you didn't live in an expensive area and take 5 holidays per year and buy yyour growing children coats costing £120.

I think the difference is your DC could see the money wasn't there. In the ops case the money is there. It is just that op prefers to buy a home that is too small in an expensive area rather than buying a little further out and getting a place they can all live in comfortably and spend any money that could be used to extend the loft on holidays and clothes etc.

I wonder if the OP lived in a bigger house she would need quite so many holidays

Bless you OP.

I think many of these posts are an “only on MN” thing.

In the real world, two children sharing a room is perfectly normal, and working adults do not sleep on sofas so that school-aged children don’t have to share with same-sex children.

Your house isn’t two small, and you sound as though you are trying your best to give your daughters a good life. Please ignore some of these people.

pompom42 - I didn't swear at you. I didn't say you shouldn't have 2 children.

perhaps the "desperate circumstances" are also playing a part in your daughters current reaction? I don't know what these are and have no interest in knowing but perhaps they have affected her as well?

Your daughter has two choices. single room at the front of the house on her own or sharing the big room with her sister. that is not an unreasonable compromise.

and just out of interest why do you say "front bottom floor" when its a bungalow and you pulled me up on this last night?

would you not even think about or explore the idea of a shed/den?
give her a couple of days to think it over. don't ask her to make a snap decision.

it's at the very front of the house. She doesn't want to be at the front bottom floor by herself.
She's currently at the back of the house

That's understandable, but if she chooses to stay in the bigger room then she has to share. Perhaps in a few months time she will change her mind, and the smaller room will seem more appealing. At the minute she has the larger room and no reason to want to swap, a few months of sharing with a 3 year old will make her realise swapping is the more sensible option.

Oliversmumsarmy

How presumptuous where have I said I bought it?
So no one else buys coats or has holidays.
I don't buy anything for myself not that I need to explain myself to you.

It carnt be helped in my house i dont have a dining room just small front room and kitchen no one in my tiny house gets personal space it's normal life for us

It can't be helped for most/many families Crazymad. As you rightly say - it's just life!

All of these people accusing OP of having too many children when she can't give them what they need etc, and all this "Why don't you sleep on the roof on a specially constructed mattress and the girls can have a room each and put a glitter ball in the living room so your teenage DDs friends can hold special parties and also a gazebo for them to relax in outside etc " - absolute rubbish. (I am aware that these exact words have not been used - I am exaggerating to show how ridiculous some suggestions are)

OP's DD is a teenager - she is at "that age". I agree that her hormones will be driving her crazy. Whatever OP does, it will not be enough - there will be something fr her to moan about because that's what kids of that age do. The world is against them; everybody else's mother* is more generous than theirs; their friends can all stay out till all hours and their parents trust them not to get abducted; they all have better clothes/holidays/personal possessions. THIS IS THE WORLD OF THE TEENAGER!!!

Puberty is HELL - for EVERYBODY.

OP is doing nothing wrong - she just needs reassurance and support that her daughter isn't a witch in child's clothing, and that she herself is not being unreasonable - OP - she's not and you're not. OP is doing the best she can in a not-ideal(by many people's standards) situation.

We don't know why she recklessly decided to have a second child when she couldn't look after them both properly (as some people have accused her - what rubbish) - we do know that she is providing a safe and loving home in a good area where both her girls have a chance of good schools etc.

There are people here who seem to think that a girl's life should be all ponies, ski-ing, designer clothes and sleepovers, and wouldn't it be wonderful if it was - but it's not! Most of us do the best we can for our children, and that doesn't mean giving in to their every demand - all that does is make them selfish and entitled.

And not providing each child with their own space doesn't mean we don't love the very ground they walk on either, because we do.

*There was a time, when if I had ever got the chance to meet this mythical "everybody else's mother", I would have beaten her to death with her own halo.

Nope 😏we have one 4 day camping holiday a year and £125 has just brought 5 new winter coats hats and gloves 🤷‍♀️ if I had the money id be living in a much larger house

Some of you really need to pull your heads out of your backsides and get some perspective. This 13 year old is living a very comfortable existence with all her needs and plenty of her wants met. So she'd like a bigger house with her own bedroom, so what? If she had it she'd still see that someone else has their own bathroom. Or a swimming pool. Or goes on 3 foreign holidays a year. She's a teenager she'll always have something to complain about ffs, it's their sole reason for existing! Doesn't mean the Op needs to jump every time she has a moan.

As to the people criticizing Ops discretionary spending I'm . God forbid anyone should do more than a weeks camping in the UK, stretch every meal with lentils and buy every item they own from a charity shop! It's the Mumsnet way...

Yeah sure, they should eliminate every luxury so the 13 year old can have four walls to call her own. I wonder will she enjoy staring at those walls when she doesn't have Netflix, has no spare cash for cinema and shopping trips with her friends and the £110 coat was the last nice thing she got because now mums paying a higher mortgage or loan? Will she be happy to go to a new school or have an extra hours travel time because they've moved miles away to get a bigger house? I suspect not .

There are some pathetic mummy martyrs on this site who's entire existence seems to be dedicated to meeting every desire of their little darlings, no matter the cost. I truly wonder how some of your children are going to cope when they're providing for themselves as adults as it's clear some parents don't intend to raise theirs with any resilience or understanding of how the world works. If the worst difficulty any of them experience through their teen years is sharing a bedroom they'll be doing pretty well.

mummymeister
I said front bottom floor so anyone joking the thread knows exactly in their minds how it is. Bungalow with kitchen and single room at front and lounge and large bedroom at back.
Bathroom in the middle.

Whether you bought or are renting you are obviously in a more expensive area.

And FWIW I have never owned a coat in my life and I probably go on a holiday every 4 years not 4 times per year.

The fact you are making out you rent is worse because you could actually afford a bigger house.

It is I suppose all about priorities and yours are skewed

Oliversmumsarmy

Sorry didn't realise a coat was a luxury
So you never had one?
I salute you