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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Has my DP been stealing my electricity?

282 replies

Rugpulledfromunderme8 · 03/11/2018 13:19

This is my first post after much lurking and it might be a bit outing but sod it, frankly. Apologies if this is a bit long.
So, I've been with my (now-ex) DP for nearly four years and he lives in the flat above me (which is how me met).
He's been living with me with a view to selling his place and we were going to buy somewhere together.
We've had a few rows along the way but generally been living together ok for about two and a half years.
So, the past few mornings I've noticed that a double socket in the spare bedroom has been switched on. (With nothing plugged in) I work during the day and he's doing his flat up, so he's at home during the day.
Thought nothing of it, I plug my hairdryer into the neighbouring socket and thought I'd knocked it. Until today, when the alarm clock was flashing and plugged into the 'wrong' socket - indicating that it had been unplugged and plugged back in again. A long extension cable was under the bed. (the kind that wraps around a wheel type device, so really, really long)
I shouted through the bathroom door to ask what he'd been using the socket for. No answer. Then he laughed and said he was listening to the clock radio on the alarm (so obviously not true, who sits in a spare room listening to a clock radio?!)
Basically he refused to tell me what he'd been doing. Said I'd imagined it, it was me, he'd done nothing. I got so angry because it's blatantly obvious he's been using the socket for something and he won't tell me. I can't begin to imagine what he's been doing and why he won't tell me.
So I clearly can't trust him in my flat can I? I've asked him to move out.
He says I'm being unreasonable, clearly don't trust him and 'shouldn't' be living with someone when 'I'm not the sort to trust anyone in my house.'
Wtf? I'm shell shocked. AIBU? What has he been doing?

OP posts:
TheTroublesomestTribble · 04/11/2018 07:14

Does he read any Irvine Welsh?

This is a storyline from one of his short stories - it's called A Soft Touch If anyone's interested...

SpecialLittlePrince · 04/11/2018 07:40

People really need to learn what gaslighting actually is.

And get a fucking grip. Including the OP.

HavelockVetinari · 04/11/2018 08:08

Erm, we do know what it means thanks @SpecialLittlePrince Hmm - deliberately making a person falsely doubt their own memory, sanity or perception. Which OP's ex P WAS doing by claiming she put the extender cable in the spare room herself, and making her out to be crazy and irrational for asking a simple question.

If you have any further questions regarding the definition of common words or phrases may I suggest you purchase a subscription to the Oxford English Dictionary?

Bluntness100 · 04/11/2018 08:52

I also find this unfathomable. This isn't some work man using her electricity, he lives there. That's his home.

I simply can't imagine my husband questioning me over my electricity usage like this. We are both free to plug in anything we wish. Irrelvent of who pays the bill.

I can't even understand why you'd ask the question.

Cuttingthegrass · 04/11/2018 09:07

Is it more that he wouldn’t explain why the extension reel was under the bed? Together with the clock having been moved. So potentially charging something and using extension reel for something.

But, why doesn’t he just say

C0untDucku1a · 04/11/2018 09:09

What was the outcome last night?

Rugpulledfromunderme8 · 04/11/2018 09:59

@C0untDucku1a He was not here. He does this - disappears and spends the night in his car. He has moved out though.

OP posts:
NoseTitZilla · 04/11/2018 10:07

He has a habit of disappearing and his explanation is that he's spent the night in his car?! Hmm Did he ever tell you why or was it only during an argument?

Hope you're OK, it sounds like whatever he was up to you made a good decision Flowers

MRex · 04/11/2018 10:13

Policing electricity usage is very strange in a relationship. If you plan to stay together, then you need to consider at what point you start sharing. That could be more money from him for bills (if he has a lot more income that isn't going into the pot), or accepting he can use electricity in your flat if not.

Regularly going off to "sleep in a car" though, that's very weird. Are you really sure he's sleeping in a car and not elsewhere? Why wouldn't he sleep in his empty flat instead, which is surely much more comfortable? Or just make friends again before you go to sleep? I think I've missed some pages here...

Rugpulledfromunderme8 · 04/11/2018 10:14

That’s not his explanation this time but that is what he does when we argue. He runs away. I know it’s f*ed up. He’s not back yet. I know I’ve done the right thing but after 4 years it’s very difficult. And sad.

OP posts:
MRex · 04/11/2018 10:39

Did you see @Grimble's hypothesis though? That he actually did move the clock radio to listen to it (while in the bathroom?), then put it back. The extension cable meanwhile was just dumped under the bed to get it out of the way (or used with the clock radio, to get it into the bathroom)? That could all be true, which makes you dumping him quite strange

Running away from an argument happens, some people are bolters, it's the explanation "sleeping in a car" when he has a flat upstairs that doesn't sound true to me.

slashlover · 04/11/2018 10:55

I still think he used the radio while working upstairs on the flat.

I shouted through the bathroom door to ask what he'd been using the socket for. No answer.

Starting the conversation by shouting through the bathroom door was never going to end well. You decided he had been stealing your electricity before you even spoke to him.

C0untDucku1a · 04/11/2018 10:56

You're making the right decision. When i read threads when something small causes a giant reaction, i tend to assume there is a much bigher back story. You can’t trust him. He disappears. Yet not to His flat?

Does he work?

Rugpulledfromunderme8 · 04/11/2018 11:42

@C0untDucku1a No he doesn’t work. He made a lot of money on a previous property refurb and bought his flat outright and is living off the excess profit. There probably is a back story here in terms of him living with me and not paying for anything.

OP posts:
MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 04/11/2018 14:00

My ex was like this. If you find broken pieces of glass on the floor isn't it normal to ask what broke? My ex turned it into a huge argument about 'how' I'd asked and not just tell me what it was and maybe apologise for not cleaning it up properly.

There was a huge drama about the tone of my voice and how no one spoke to him like that. I really have no idea what the issue was and I'm sure I didn't speak to him in a rude or aggressive manner.

I suspected he'd broken something precious and didn't want to admit it. It turned out once it was his ashtray - why would that be a problem?

It's not the electricity that's the problem - it's the dishonesty and overreaction to a simple question.

Rugpulledfromunderme8 · 04/11/2018 14:27

He’s been working on his bathroom - directly above my spare bedroom. The plug is next to the window. Neighbour spotted the extension lead. Still no sign of him.

OP posts:
InsomniacAnonymous · 04/11/2018 14:40

He has lost his home and his relationship. That seems harsh to me. His flat isn't habitable. He must be devastated, but I realise I'm in the minority on this thread in thinking his "crime" wasn't bad enough to merit this degree of punishment. The OP was planning to buy a home with him until yesterday, so I would have thought she had some love for him.
I wouldn't treat a flatmate so harshly, let alone someone with whom I was in a 4 year relationship and was planning a future with. Confused

Grimbles · 04/11/2018 14:54

Neighbour spotted the extension lead

You only just remembered this insignificant part of the story have you? Hmm

AviatorShades · 04/11/2018 14:58

rug we had two of those extension leads...one 8m, the other 16m. which we linked when we built something outside - dropped one of the leads down an upstairs window, and away we went (upstairs flat at the time + a long garden), so I guess that's what your tightwad has been doing?Oh, FUKKIM!
So you've had confirmation that that's how he'd been accessing your leccy,now. I'm SO sorry. What an absolute arse. What a bloody stupid thing to do when it would have been straightforward to agree a price? Agree the dishonesty. Angry Idiot..
..

Bluntness100 · 04/11/2018 15:00

The OP was planning to buy a home with him until yesterday, so I would have thought she had some love for him

Yes, four years together, and living together, going to buy a house together and he's being questioned on his electricity usage and accused of stealing it then dumped.

The mind boggles.

MixedMaritalArts · 04/11/2018 15:03

I am curious was he your boyfriend who bought the flat upstairs, or the upstairs owner who became your boyfriend?

FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 04/11/2018 15:08

Stay strong and don’t let the CF back OP

Llongyfarchiadau · 04/11/2018 15:25

I am curious was he your boyfriend who bought the flat upstairs, or the upstairs owner who became your boyfriend?

Good point, Mixed. It would have been very convenient for him if he was the latter.

Rugpulledfromunderme8 · 04/11/2018 16:02

He bought his flat two months after I bought mine. We got together after a couple of months. To the person who said I treated him harshly, i’m devastated someone I thought loved me couldn’t tell me what he was doing. He lied. That’s the killer. The neighbour I spoke to was this afternoon.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 04/11/2018 16:06

Hes's been living in her home and PAYING NOTHING for 4 years ?! WTAF .. Hmm

He's a Con Man.... glad you got shot of the Free Loader.... Flowers