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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Has my DP been stealing my electricity?

282 replies

Rugpulledfromunderme8 · 03/11/2018 13:19

This is my first post after much lurking and it might be a bit outing but sod it, frankly. Apologies if this is a bit long.
So, I've been with my (now-ex) DP for nearly four years and he lives in the flat above me (which is how me met).
He's been living with me with a view to selling his place and we were going to buy somewhere together.
We've had a few rows along the way but generally been living together ok for about two and a half years.
So, the past few mornings I've noticed that a double socket in the spare bedroom has been switched on. (With nothing plugged in) I work during the day and he's doing his flat up, so he's at home during the day.
Thought nothing of it, I plug my hairdryer into the neighbouring socket and thought I'd knocked it. Until today, when the alarm clock was flashing and plugged into the 'wrong' socket - indicating that it had been unplugged and plugged back in again. A long extension cable was under the bed. (the kind that wraps around a wheel type device, so really, really long)
I shouted through the bathroom door to ask what he'd been using the socket for. No answer. Then he laughed and said he was listening to the clock radio on the alarm (so obviously not true, who sits in a spare room listening to a clock radio?!)
Basically he refused to tell me what he'd been doing. Said I'd imagined it, it was me, he'd done nothing. I got so angry because it's blatantly obvious he's been using the socket for something and he won't tell me. I can't begin to imagine what he's been doing and why he won't tell me.
So I clearly can't trust him in my flat can I? I've asked him to move out.
He says I'm being unreasonable, clearly don't trust him and 'shouldn't' be living with someone when 'I'm not the sort to trust anyone in my house.'
Wtf? I'm shell shocked. AIBU? What has he been doing?

OP posts:
Rugpulledfromunderme8 · 04/11/2018 18:48

Thank you to the last two posters. You understand which I appreciate. I’ve had a pretty shit day today and still no answers from exp who has vanished.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 04/11/2018 19:03

Op your NOT wrong.. your not married.. engaged or even sharing finances .....he's played you a blinder... this guy used you for a free ride to renovate his own place...

don't feel bad.. you've done the right thing getting shot... Flowers

Rugpulledfromunderme8 · 04/11/2018 19:09

Thanks @Gemini69 I’ve had a crap day feeling like i’ve wasted four years. Never again.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 04/11/2018 19:11

just make sure your own property is secure .. locks may need changed etc... think about yourself now lovely Flowers

Rugpulledfromunderme8 · 04/11/2018 19:23

Never thought about the locks but yeah he could have copied the keys. Thanks for the heads up and support @Gemini69

OP posts:
user1981287 · 05/11/2018 07:58

That’s why i’m upset. I feel used. According to some people on here though i’m In the wrong which I genuinely do not get. Why should he be entitled to use my electricity to power his flat without contributing anything to the bill?

You were living together. You were working to do up his flat to sell so that you could buy a house together. I'm assuming you saw marriage etc in the future and envisaged being together forever. A relationship is a partnership and you share things and don't resent the person you love and ask them to move out for something this trivial.

OP how would you have reacted if he had been in your flat ironing for an ironing business? It would have been using 'your' electricity (and irons use a fair amount). Or what if he had been really cold and had been running an expensive electric fan heater all day without you knowing. Would you have dumped him then?

I suspect when you started grilling him, he realised you were being completely unreasonable and that's why he clammed up. As others have said, if my DH started asking me why I had switched on a socket I'd completely ignore him since to be grilled about something so petty is quite astonishing in the context of a loving relationship and is incredibly controlling.

If this thread doesn't make the DM I'd be astonished. Don't worry though, you'll be able to make up the cost of the electricity by posing for a DM sad face picture holding an extension lead.

Have you actually checked your electricity bill to see whether you've ended your relationship over £15?

Gemini69 · 05/11/2018 11:25

A relationship is a partnership and you share things and don't resent the person you love and ask them to move out for something this trivial.

This GUY shared not a penny.. NOTHING.. he paid for his own food occasionally ... you're idea on sharing is accurate but the OP did not experience this.. in 2 years... nothing close to sharing.. She paid for everything... now that's hardly a loving caring sharing relationship now is it ? Hmm

Gemini69 · 05/11/2018 11:26

Sorry.... it's 4 years.... for FOUR years.. he paid NOTHING... ?!

GabriellaMontez · 05/11/2018 11:30

Totally get it. He lied because he knew he'd beeen caught out being a cheap skate. Well rid.

Sounds like the sharing was only going on in one direction.

user1981287 · 05/11/2018 11:40

She did not pay for everything. They split things but she paid the bills on her flat and he paid the bills on the flat he wasn't living in and which he was doing up to sell so they could buy a house together. The OP knew this and was happy with that arrangement.

Anyway he's gone and she's now going to save that extra few quid she might have put towards the electricity he might have been using to run some tools so if that's more valuable to her then she should be very happy. I'm sure he is.

SpottingTheZebras · 05/11/2018 12:24

She did not pay for everything. They split things but she paid the bills on her flat and he paid the bills on the flat he wasn't living in and which he was doing up to sell so they could buy a house together.

Although presumably he was paying a mortgage (although from what the OP has written, he may have bought the properly outright) and there will be buildings insurance. An empty property means no council tax and it sounds as if the utilities were cut off or else he wasn’t using them to save money. Meanwhile the OP has mortgage, insurance, council tax, gas, electricity, water, broadband, tv, phone, tv licence etc. To me, that is not splitting things.

user1981287 · 05/11/2018 12:43

But the OP was fine with that in the context of the relationship and the fact that they would both benefit from the sale of the properties to buy the new house and so its irrelevant really. That means the only thing that has destroyed this relationship is an extension cable..

user1981287 · 05/11/2018 12:44

Bt anyway it really is better that they are not together. Relationships involve give and take and if this one failed over an extension cable it certainly wouldn't have lasted the course.

slashlover · 05/11/2018 14:19

If someone shouted at me through the bathroom door about a socket instead of just having a conversation then called me a liar when I gave an explanation and kicked me out, I'd be glad to be away.

OP had 2 and half years to have a conversation about the bills if she wasn't happy.

Alfie190 · 05/11/2018 14:29

She did not break up with him because of the bills. If she had asked him to contribute and he refused then I could see the issue. However she didn't, she finished with him because he would not tell her why he used a particular plug socket and considered the person living with her to be "stealing" electricity.

I would maintain that I too, would refuse to tell my DH what I used a plug socket for if he were ever so weird as to ask (and he is paying all the bills at the moment).

Alfie190 · 05/11/2018 14:30

An empty property means no council tax

What planet are you on? An empty property often means 150% council tax.

Willow2017 · 05/11/2018 14:32

Alfie

Empty properties also often mean 50% discount or 6 months free round where I live.
It would be classed as a 2nd home if he isnt living in it.

Powerless · 05/11/2018 14:33

Very very well said @user1981287 !! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

OP listen to these very real words!

Alfie190 · 05/11/2018 14:40

@Willow

Yes for short term, but I think he has been there for two and half years. I don't think there will be many councils that would grant reduced rates for that long, an increased rate is far more likely. There is a housing shortage in the UK and councils are strongly incentivised to discourage empty properties lying around, they do this by increasing council tax.

Janus · 05/11/2018 14:43

I don’t understand! If he was doing up his flat so it would sell for (say) £50k more than yours because it’s all completely modern and then putting that in to your new flat wouldn’t that cover the bills he didn’t pay? I think you said he contributed towards food and going out etc? So you were already paying the same amount in bills before he moved in except for maybe a few more showers (your words earlier)?
Also, if he’s completely stripped his flat and taken plasterboards off so it’s bare walls where the hell would he plug anything in to??!!

slashlover · 05/11/2018 14:44

I also wonder if OP paid anything towards renovating the flat - building work/decorating etc? She was to gain when it was sold too.

Gemini69 · 05/11/2018 14:50

Bt anyway it really is better that they are not together. Relationships involve give and take and if this one failed over an extension cable it certainly wouldn't have lasted the course

it's not about the extension cable.... really

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/11/2018 15:28

" He'll probably end up back in my flat as I'll feel so bad about where he's living."
Do NOT feel bad! He has a flat to move to. If it's not the most comfortable place to live in, that's down to him dragging his heels doing it up.

He's been living with you for two and a half years, so presumably that's how long he's been working on it? You mentioned "He's been living with me with a view to selling his place and we were going to buy somewhere together." The cynic in me thinks he had no intention of buying somewhere with you. He is a cocklodger of the first order SadAngry.

"He made a lot of money on a previous property refurb and bought his flat outright and is living off the excess profit. There probably is a back story here in terms of him living with me and not paying for anything."
Oh yes. I expect there is a huge back story. At best, he did do a profitable refurb so it REALLY shouldn't be taking him so long to do another one, he's dragging his heels. At worst; god only knows where the money to buy the flat came from, and he's living off you, not any excess profit - that would have had to be one hell of a previous refurb, to finance buying his flat outright and four years of living expenses.

Actually, speaking of living expenses - apart from his contributions to your joint food bill/household stuff, I wonder if he has any? Could he have informed the council his flat was unoccupied and maybe not be liable for council tax? He'd be a fool not to have buildings insurance, but he doesn't exactly need contents insurance, does he? No TV licence, no Sky, no landline - if all he's paying for is food and buildings insurance, that's pretty minimal costs.

Do NOT feel bad, do NOT let him back, and as others have mentioned, DO change the locks.

Hospitaldramafamily · 05/11/2018 15:34

@Gemini69 puts it all perfectly so I won't try to repeat!

OP, just coming on to say I get it and I, too, would be shocked to find my electricity was being used to power a whole renovation and refurb. He knew it was wrong, hence his reaction

MrsStrowman · 05/11/2018 15:50

No one knows he used her power to renovate his flat, he could've just run the cable up for the radio while he worked, given the OP had not complained about the financial arrangement and was going to benefit financially from the renovation I can see why he thought this wouldn't be an issue, even if it was a drill not the radio he was powering. She then took it up with him by shouting accusations through a bathroom door, having already made up her mind it was theft. I can tell you OP from a legal perspective it isn't, he's been living there and using the electricity without payment for two and a half years with your full agreement, that sets precedent. If my DH started questioning what I was plugging in and why, I'd tell him to sod off and I'm about to go on mat leave so he will be paying all of the bills. I think he's best off out of it tbh.

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