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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Has my DP been stealing my electricity?

282 replies

Rugpulledfromunderme8 · 03/11/2018 13:19

This is my first post after much lurking and it might be a bit outing but sod it, frankly. Apologies if this is a bit long.
So, I've been with my (now-ex) DP for nearly four years and he lives in the flat above me (which is how me met).
He's been living with me with a view to selling his place and we were going to buy somewhere together.
We've had a few rows along the way but generally been living together ok for about two and a half years.
So, the past few mornings I've noticed that a double socket in the spare bedroom has been switched on. (With nothing plugged in) I work during the day and he's doing his flat up, so he's at home during the day.
Thought nothing of it, I plug my hairdryer into the neighbouring socket and thought I'd knocked it. Until today, when the alarm clock was flashing and plugged into the 'wrong' socket - indicating that it had been unplugged and plugged back in again. A long extension cable was under the bed. (the kind that wraps around a wheel type device, so really, really long)
I shouted through the bathroom door to ask what he'd been using the socket for. No answer. Then he laughed and said he was listening to the clock radio on the alarm (so obviously not true, who sits in a spare room listening to a clock radio?!)
Basically he refused to tell me what he'd been doing. Said I'd imagined it, it was me, he'd done nothing. I got so angry because it's blatantly obvious he's been using the socket for something and he won't tell me. I can't begin to imagine what he's been doing and why he won't tell me.
So I clearly can't trust him in my flat can I? I've asked him to move out.
He says I'm being unreasonable, clearly don't trust him and 'shouldn't' be living with someone when 'I'm not the sort to trust anyone in my house.'
Wtf? I'm shell shocked. AIBU? What has he been doing?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 04/11/2018 16:07

i’m devastated someone I thought loved me couldn’t tell me what he was doing

But why does it matter? At the moment you asked that might have been what he was doing. Why. Is he not allowed to use your electricity? He lives there. It's his home. In most couples you don't ask permission to use the electricity in your own home. You don't need to explain what you used it for.

Gemini69 · 04/11/2018 16:09

Is he not allowed to use your electricity? He lives there. It's his home. In most couples you don't ask permission to use the electricity in your own home. You don't need to explain what you used it for

he Pays NOTHING toward this shared home though ?? and he's using Her electricity to refurb HIS place ?????? he's on the ROB....

Bluntness100 · 04/11/2018 16:11

He pays his bills, she pays her, he contributes food etc, it's their arrangement, then they were both going to buy together, if she doesn't like it, she should end it or agree something else

But accusing your partner of stealing electricity in their own home is odd.

Gemini69 · 04/11/2018 16:14

thank christ OP got shot of him...

Rugpulledfromunderme8 · 04/11/2018 16:26

He lived here rent and bill free because I loved him and thought we would sell his flat and mine to buy together once he finished doing his flat up. Why am I BU to feel betrayed that he used an extension lead to power something in his flat without having the courtesy to tell me - the bill payer - and then lying about it? He refused to answer what I thought was a simple question and told me I was making things up. Clearly i’m not as the neighbour confirmed today. He’s still not back and i’m devastated by what’s happened. Can someone tell me how I get a thread taken down as I feel this could be outing and has clearly gone on long enough? Thank you

OP posts:
Sashkin · 04/11/2018 16:29

But he isn’t paying his bills is he? He’s using the OP’s electricity on an extension lead out the window instead to save money. I couldn’t stay with somebody cheap enough to do that to me, quite aside from the lying and gaslighting.

It would be like finding out your partner was stealing your loose change from out of your pockets when they did the washing. Petty and cheap. You don’t take every opportunity going to get one over your partner like that if you are supposed to be in a committed relationship.

CS12345 · 04/11/2018 16:45

You knew it was outing when you posted it. You can't just change your mind.

Grimbles · 04/11/2018 16:58

So your handy neighbour has now confirmed that they have seen him running an extension lead from your place to his.

Still curious as to why he needed to unplug the clock radio though. After all, it was the clock radio being plugged into the wrong side of a double socket that alerted you to all this.

MumW · 04/11/2018 17:06

Said I'd imagined it, it was me, he'd done nothing
Surely, this is gaslighting - in which case, major red flag.

MumW · 04/11/2018 17:15

Can someone tell me how I get a thread taken down as I feel this could be outing and has clearly gone on long enough

You said these were your first posts so I don't think you need to worry about it being outing.

If you want to continue using MN, you need to change your username and just stop using Rugpulledfromunderme8.

Bluntness100 · 04/11/2018 17:18

It would be like finding out your partner was stealing your loose change from out of your pockets when they did the washing. Petty and cheap

You see, I feel thr opposite. That your long term live in partner wasnt allowed to use your loose change or your electricity because you pay the bill, as what's petty and cheap.

My husband and I both help ourselves to each other's loose change when we need it, in fact we keep it in jars. We also use the electricity without permission.

Some folks live lives that just seem sad. That you'd see using some of your loose change as theft. That using electricity when you live there is theft. It's just sad and odd.

category12 · 04/11/2018 17:25

Bluntness, I think what you're saying would be fair enough if their resources were fully pooled and he was contributing equally to the household they shared, but he wasn't. He was letting OP pay for them both.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 04/11/2018 17:27

Seriously if my partner cant be arsed to empty his pockets before I put his stuff in the wash then those contents are mine, unless it happens to be his entire wallet. Sadly its usually only used tissues.

Bluntness100 · 04/11/2018 17:29

Agree, but she should have then told him his electricity usage was limited without her permission. I really do t think many people in a long term relationship woild assume this in their own home.

And if this was a man posting about how he lived with his partner and she used the electricity without his permission in this context he'd be called all manner of controlling fuckers.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 04/11/2018 17:30

But she hasnt been paying for them both. This is a new thing that has just happened. She was more than happy to pay her electric and he pay his. The cable has only just appeared so if he has been using it, then it is very new.

category12 · 04/11/2018 17:33

He's been living with her in her flat for 2 years. He pays the bills for his empty flat and she pays the bills for the shared flat - so she's paying much more than he is.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 04/11/2018 17:36

Yes but she was happy with that arrangement.

Rugpulledfromunderme8 · 04/11/2018 17:37

Thanks MumW

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 04/11/2018 17:37

And she also sais it wasn't a lot more as he was mostly there when she was so the light, ovem tv etc would already be in use anyway.

category12 · 04/11/2018 17:38

Evidently not that happy.

cabingirl · 04/11/2018 17:48

I don't get why some people on this thread don't think it's a bit off that he's been using electricity from the flat paid for by the OP to work on the flat upstairs.

They had a specific agreement - he didn't have to pay any of the rent/mortgage or utility bills for the flat they were both living in because he was paying for the mortgage and utility bill for the upstairs flat.

If he has indeed been running the cord up to the flat upstairs and using the electricity paid for by the OP to save himself the costs of paying for it for the upstairs flat PLUS not explaining he is doing so, PLUS lying about it when asked - then he is definitely in the wrong.

If he'd told her he was going to have the electricity turned off upstairs and was going to use the downstairs flat electricity to work on his flat then they could have had a conversation to update their agreement about who was paying for what.

Failingat40 · 04/11/2018 17:50

I think he's probably targeted you @Rugpulledfromunderme8

He's living practically on-site in perfect comfort with regular sex without the hassle of living in a do-upper.

He has been stealing from you whether he admits it or not, you know he has been running power from your socket upstairs to his. The fact he hasn't been honest about what he was doing tells you that he knows full well it is theft.

That's not a respectful relationship by anyone's standards.
He sounds like a dodgy con-man out for a free ride through life tbh.

Rugpulledfromunderme8 · 04/11/2018 18:16

@Fallingat40 That’s why i’m upset. I feel used. According to some people on here though i’m In the wrong which I genuinely do not get. Why should he be entitled to use my electricity to power his flat without contributing anything to the bill?

OP posts:
Llongyfarchiadau · 04/11/2018 18:30

Rugpulledfromunderme8 I completely understood why you were upset from your very first post.

Also, you believed that, at some point in the future, you would pool finances to buy a property together. However, there is a possibility that this may never have been his plan.

Please don't feel sorry for him.

mcmooberry · 04/11/2018 18:43

OP I am another who totally gets what your problem is here. I think at the start of the relationship you probably never dreamt he would be living rent and bill-free 2 and a half years later but as he never offered to contribute it can be an awkward conversation to have so you didn't have it and this stealing of your electricity was the final straw. He definitely is a CF and he knows it which is why he lied to you. So what if it's outing, he deserves it! I suspect his rent free status is what is allowing him to take an absurd amount of time doing up his flat too. Well done on getting rid of him, pity it hadn't been sooner.

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