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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Has my DP been stealing my electricity?

282 replies

Rugpulledfromunderme8 · 03/11/2018 13:19

This is my first post after much lurking and it might be a bit outing but sod it, frankly. Apologies if this is a bit long.
So, I've been with my (now-ex) DP for nearly four years and he lives in the flat above me (which is how me met).
He's been living with me with a view to selling his place and we were going to buy somewhere together.
We've had a few rows along the way but generally been living together ok for about two and a half years.
So, the past few mornings I've noticed that a double socket in the spare bedroom has been switched on. (With nothing plugged in) I work during the day and he's doing his flat up, so he's at home during the day.
Thought nothing of it, I plug my hairdryer into the neighbouring socket and thought I'd knocked it. Until today, when the alarm clock was flashing and plugged into the 'wrong' socket - indicating that it had been unplugged and plugged back in again. A long extension cable was under the bed. (the kind that wraps around a wheel type device, so really, really long)
I shouted through the bathroom door to ask what he'd been using the socket for. No answer. Then he laughed and said he was listening to the clock radio on the alarm (so obviously not true, who sits in a spare room listening to a clock radio?!)
Basically he refused to tell me what he'd been doing. Said I'd imagined it, it was me, he'd done nothing. I got so angry because it's blatantly obvious he's been using the socket for something and he won't tell me. I can't begin to imagine what he's been doing and why he won't tell me.
So I clearly can't trust him in my flat can I? I've asked him to move out.
He says I'm being unreasonable, clearly don't trust him and 'shouldn't' be living with someone when 'I'm not the sort to trust anyone in my house.'
Wtf? I'm shell shocked. AIBU? What has he been doing?

OP posts:
theodoracrainsgloves · 03/11/2018 15:00

whilst running HER Electricity UP to HIS FLAT... to renovate it...

But tGemini69, I have read what the OP said and she doesn't actually know for sure that he's doing that, that's the whole point! She's ASSUMED that, and kicked him out because he wouldn't deny or confirm it. For all she knows, he might secretly use hair straighteners or used it for a phone charger although the extension lead is iffy.

Yes, he's a CF for sponging off her, but TBF she's allowed him to.

I still find it odd you'd jack in a long term relationship over something as trivial as this.

SaucyJack · 03/11/2018 15:01

“It’s basic gaslighting. ‘Why’s this plug on? Oh I’ve had to have the power turned off upstairs while I do some work so I need to run an extension. Oh ok fair enough’. Wouldn’t have been the hardest conversation to have would it.”

No, but still totally unnecessary.

Happy couples don’t question each other over the use of a plug, or give weird answers if they do happen to be asked.

daisychain01 · 03/11/2018 15:01

As a cf and a gaslighter you've done the best thing to kick him to the curb. Onwards and upwards.

You won't get the money back for the elecky but hey ho, surely that's a bargain compared to him hanging around being a cf for the rest of your life.

Gemini69 · 03/11/2018 15:12

Please don't let him move back in because you feel sorry for him.. 2 years is a long time to be arsing around renovating a flat.. those guys on Homes Under the Hammer do it in months... Grin

ReadMyLipss · 03/11/2018 15:13

What I don't understand is that if he's living with you (regardless of whether or not he has his only flat), then why isn't he paying his fair share of utility bills and contributing towards the mortgage/rent?

The fact that he has his own flat doesn't change the fact that he's living in your flat and should be paying half of everything.

I think you've been a soft touch and he's a cocklodger, and the socket incident was the last straw.

brizzledrizzle · 03/11/2018 15:14

So, let me get this straight, you have your ex-DP living with you while he is doing up the flat upstairs that he has bought?
He's using a extension lead from your flat to his flat so he has power for the tools he's using whilst he is doing it up?
and he's not contributing to the bills?

Why are you putting up with this?

If I'm wrong and he's your current DP then what is the issue?

buzzlightyearandwoody · 03/11/2018 15:14

Did you not think that he would power his tools in your flat because of the state of his own flat at the moment. Does he even have electricity running if everything is stripped back. Did you not ask him to put some money forward for bills if you didn't have it. I would have asked and communicated my needs. You use this and I need this simples. Is it the fact he hasn't finished his flat and now you're impatient. You lived with him does he have the money to complete the flat right away.

Maybe its better that you two are not together you need to work on your communication. To accuse him of stealing electricity is childish.

Gemini69 · 03/11/2018 15:14

you have your ex-DP living with you

he became the Ex.. this morning... lol

NoseTitZilla · 03/11/2018 15:20

I wouldnt question my DH over plug sockets but I would be curious about an extra long extension lead suddenly appearing under my bed, as I said, that I'd mention to him and query because you know what you do and don't own. I mean what's he hiding, extra special sex toy or something?

I know it sounds far fetched but I wouldn't underestimate the cannabis thing being a possibility. I saw it a lot when I was an agent, two cases stick out in my mind, one where it was being grown in the loft and one where they had a tent in the living room that they could take down within half an hour where they were reported for using the communal plug sockets - it made sense in hindsight. The one in the loft had been going on years with no smell at all and the tent didn't have a smell I assume because the plants had not yet grown fully.

Police will know from thermal imaging in helicopters which properties may be growing in lofts or houses where curtains are permanently drawn (I only say this from a program I watched on it, no background on that), especially if they can connect high energy usage to that property too.

I bet it's nothing but I don't see why he wouldn't just say. I have a family member that owes £20k+ and his partner knows nothing of it, openness is important. You've asked him something trivial and he can't even tell you, it's not a good basis to go on. Out of curiosity, how did he react when you broke up with him? What was his response to when you told him the reason?

Howhot · 03/11/2018 15:22

I'm baffled. Do you send him to his flat when he wants to charge his phone or make a cup of tea too?

buzzlightyearandwoody · 03/11/2018 15:26

I would like to point out that he is also childish for denying having used her electricity to charge his tools. I think the only way op will know if he is using it is to look at her bill. Ring eon/edf etc and ask them to take a look. Then tell him he has to pay towards the electric bill if he is going to use it.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 03/11/2018 15:28

Is the socket closest to the entrance. Surely if he is running an extension lead up to his flat he would use the nearest socket not trail a lead through the flat. And he did give a reason but OP chose not to believe it.

InsomniacAnonymous · 03/11/2018 15:30

They've been together for 4 years though. Surely you see yourselves as a couple by then and don't query why something's plugged in.

Storm4star · 03/11/2018 15:31

He should have answered you about the socket but your reaction is way over the top. He’s doing up the flat for your shared future (or he was!). Rather than asking if he’s a CF in other ways, I’m curious to know if you are an over reactor on silly things! Your post suggests you are and maybe that’s why he didn’t want to say what he was using the socket for. Maybe he knew it would start a row and wanted to avoid it. Regardless yes you are better off apart.

Doyoumind · 03/11/2018 15:33

I'm baffled as to how he can have been doing up his flat for 2.5 years but is still only at the stage where it's bare walls and no bathroom. That's pretty good going.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 03/11/2018 15:34

@InsomniacAnonymous I dont think I havd ever asked why somethung has been plugged in somewhere. The most I have ever done is ask something like are you using whatever appliance is plugged in or can I unplug it to use whatever I wish to use.

Booie09 · 03/11/2018 15:35

chardonnaysprettysister my husband is still doing out kitchen up 2 years later...

RangeRider · 03/11/2018 15:40

he LIVES (well, did at the time) there. Why shouldn’t he use the socket? When you live with someone it’s utterly fucking barking to have to justify using a plug socket.
This ^^. I don't get why you'd even question what he was doing. Surely you'd know if he was using more electricity than usual and could then say 'oy, give me some money'. To dump someone just because they don't feel the need to justify what they were using a power socket for is nuts.

diddl · 03/11/2018 15:41

" He'll probably end up back in my flat as I'll feel so bad about where he's living"

Well then more fool you!

I can't see a problem with him not telling you what he had used the socket for, it's the trying to make out that he hadn't that would piss me off.

brizzledrizzle · 03/11/2018 15:43

So you dumped him because he was using your shared electricity.
Jesus, I'd hate to see your reaction if he did something really objectionable. Biscuit

CanuckBC · 03/11/2018 15:44

Is he working at all? How is he affording to spend all day “working” on his flat?

Either way, the gaslighting he has done would put me off as well. You know you haven’t touched it and husband explanation makes no sense. Has there been other issues where he has done this? Are you just done with financing him?

MixedMaritalArts · 03/11/2018 15:44

@sweenytoddsrazor : carry industrial quality extension cable upstairs . Open window drop plug end to closest downstairs window. Go back downstairs open window below the upstairs window pull in exterior grade extension plugged end, place in socket : use electricity you don’t contribute towards - all day long. Loss of cable for free movement about your work area 12 feet approx.

Alfie190 · 03/11/2018 15:51

They have a flat each and are maintaining a flat each, hoping to do one up so they can sell and get somewhere better. But OP is monitoring electricity usage of somebody that lives there. I do not expect to explain to my husband every day why a particular socket might be switched on or off, even though he currently pays the bills. OP is a complete psycho nutter.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 03/11/2018 15:52

I’m not impressed by the joint future argument. They’re not married so who knows how a joint Home would be split. OP has been subsidising him and his deposit for the last 2.5 years. OP shouldn’t have needed to ask him to contribute to shared living expenses, that’s what any decent person would have offered when they moved in.

Why the flowers OP? Is he sorry for anything?

Havaina · 03/11/2018 15:52

So since you've chucked him out that's what he's having to live in? How will he manage without even a bathroom?

Who cares?

OP, you definitely shouldn't care. Don't let the cheeky fucker live in yours. He's had 2.5 years to get his shit together. Let him move to a friend or relative. He's ripped you off long enough.

Were you paying for food for this fucker?