Just given birth and hate everyone.

[DifferentD35]

I'm 12 days PP.

My emotions are all over the place.

DP driving me insane. I just want to leave with the baby for a bit. He keeps telling me when the baby cries and roots that he isn't hungry he just wants comfort (how can he possibly know that. 99% of the time he is rooting because he wants food). He then won't give him to me to feed him and just sits there watching him root around and whine. He told me I shouldn't always respond when he cries because he's doing it for attention, so I don't want to leave him on his own with DP because I know he won't sooth him when he's crying because he doesn't want to 'spoil him'. He's 12 days old ffs. He's generally doing my head in and I wish he was back at work already.

I have a 7 year old step daughter who is coming to stay next week. I'm feeling fragile and she is very full on when it comes to babies. She's met her brother twice and both times just wanted to hold him all the time. Absolutely fine and I love seeing them together. Same issue again. When baby cries, DP says she needs her time to hold him and he will be fine. I then have to sit there at 12 days post Partum listening to my baby cry for food because DP thinks that his DD holding him is more important. We should be teaching her that when he's hungry; she has to give him back and she can have cuddles after he's fed. She then looks at me after her dad had disagreed with me as if to say 'ha ha you're wrong' - she's 7 for goodness sake of course she's going to be happy her dad agreed with her but I feel so small.

I just can't stand anyone around me at the moment and want to hide in a corner with my baby and cry/feed him/get to know him.

AIBU? Am I being ridiculous? I'm so overwhelmed by everything and wish DP would just sod off back to work. I'm horrid, I know. I'm just a bit of a mess...

I really feel for you OP. I don’t think you need to LTB straightaway but assert yourself and then see how things go. If your DP doesn’t change his behaviour then please go and stay with your parents or whoever you are close to so you can parent your precious newborn how you choose to without having to worry about this man child!

Sounds like he thinks he knows best because he's had a child before and this is your first - would that be an accurate statement?

Total BS in any case. All babies are different and you need to get to know each one.

I'm sure once he goes back to work and you'll be with the baby all day you can get some authority back.

I still hate everyone and my baby is now 3 months. I too had my husband and his mum butt in all the time saying "don't pick him up all the time, he's doing it for attention. You're making a rod for your own back". I told them both to shut up and he's a baby for crying out loud not an evil genius. Soon after my husband gave in and has plenty of cuddles. You need to stand your ground, and your step daughter needs to respect you more.

Instead of trying to get the midwife or hv to try and be subtle and have a word with him...how about you openly ask them in front of him. So for example you say "can I just clarify a few things, would a 12 day baby be crying and rooting when not hungry? Should I leave them cry it out?" Don't attach any blame/shame to your partner in front of them, just ask and watch them recoil in horror when they clearly tell you you must feed this tiny vulnerable little bundle on demand.

You can then have a quiet word separately to you midwife/hv to say what's really going on. He sounds a bit controlling and you are also vulnerable after giving birth. Be strong as you must stand up for you and your baby. They need you! Good luck, you can do this. X

I feel bad for newborn babies. They're hanging out, nice and warm and cozy, then all of a sudden they're someplace cold and loud and bright. It must be very upsetting. So what if they want a little comfort? Wouldn't we all in those circumstances?

I found this thread so distressing that I couldn't get to sleep for ages last night. He's a hungry little baby that needs his mother.

I did a runner with my baby for far less reason than OP has 😰

I'm equally distressed @Juells as I'm sure the OP is. I woke up worrying about it all. I want you OP to be alone with this baby, however that needs to happen.

If your baby is crying for food physically take him from whoever is holding him and feed him. Your husband is wrong and he needs to understand that he's torturing you by preventing you from soothing your baby's cry. Congratulations and we'll done on your new baby x

Sorry that this thread has distressed some people. I'm just counting down the days (hours) until he goes back to work...

Awful isn't it but it'll be such a relief...

OP your partner does sound like he is controlling. If you feel like you are unable to speak up that's not right. Trust your instincts with regards to your baby and try to be assertive. Please speak to friends/family/HV. They may be supportive and offer you perspective. I hope it gets better for you. The first few weeks of having a baby are pretty hellish without having an unsupportive partner.

Your baby needs to be close to you. Sleeping together (close enough that the baby can hear your breathing) reduces the risk of sids as the baby follows your breathing rhythm. 12 day old babies don't do things 'for attention' they just don't understand where their body ends and yours starts, they've been inside you for 9 months.

I second the suggestion to call Women's Aid.

While it's awful that people are distressed, for you to read that other mothers are upset by what you are experiencing shows that you are not in the wrong.

Very sorry your partner has let you (and your DC) down like this. Suggest not depending on him financially in case this continues and you decide to end the relationship in the short to medium term.

I don't depend on him financially. I'm the higher earner (by a fair whack) and am going back to work after a year. I'm paying in to a nursery fund which will have enough in for 1.5 years of nursery by the time my mat leave finishes. In case things go tits up...

Never heard of babies 'rooting' before. I presume it means moving around, nose and mouth, looking for food.

You don't need your stepdaughter coming to stay or anyone else for a while, but your stepdaughter should visit and see your baby.

Your husband is a prat.

What about housing? Do you rent, mortgage?

OP he IS controlling you and being a bully. I know it's hard when you love someone but I agree with others: take your baby and leave for a week. Not RTFT but can you go to family? Just somewhere you will be allowed to bond with and respond to your baby. You shouldn't have to tolerate this. Just because he is going back to work doesn't make it ok. How's it going to be in the evening and at night? It is unacceptable how he is controlling you, OP. Leave for a bit as soon as you can, tell him by message exactly what you need to change and that you won't be back without his commitment to those changes.

@Rebecca36 if you can spot when your baby is rooting early on (before they cry) it makes it much, much easier to feed him! My little one puts his fingers in his mouth and pouts as if he's about to give you a kiss. He's adorable and if I try to feed him when he's doing this he latches on every time. If DP gets his way and lets him cry it out (even for 5 minutes) he gets upset and is really difficult to feed, which stresses us both out (and surprise surprise DP doesn't have to deal with!)

Not wishing to be rude, DifferentD35, but if you've explained what you've just written about your little boy latching easily when you've spotted him rooting, to your DP, is he hard of understanding that he still insists on letting the little one cry it out?

So what if they want a little comfort? Wouldn't we all in those circumstances?

Very well said.
I don’t understand the reasoning behind ‘spoiling’ a baby with affection. In my opinion, you can’t spoil a baby - or a child for that matter - with affection. You can only spoil with maybe an excess of material things or giving in too often to tantrums (when they’re much, much older of course) but not with hugs and kisses. Would anyone purposely hold back affection from their partners or spouses for worry of ‘spoiling’ them? Of course not.

Different, it sounds like you may need to have a hissy fit and get a little hysterical and put your foot down. One, so DP can see you are really serious about this and Two, so you can let some of the stress out. Sometimes as parents we have to put our foot down and insist on something stronger than we would otherwise be. You are going to have almost twenty years of being the #1 advocate for this child.

I'm sorry DP is making this postpartum period so difficult and is making you so unhappy. I think the advice of getting HV on your side is good advice.

OP tell him - he isnt in charge

I have to say though you sound like the relationship is already over

Never heard of babies 'rooting' before. I presume it means moving around, nose and mouth, looking for food.

You've never held a new baby and had it rub its face around on your boob? I thought they all did it.

OP, I'm sorry for your situation. I'd be looking to exit if I were you.

@BolleauxtoBankers he thinks he knows best...

I'm bowing out of this, I'm too angry on your and your baby's behalf to be of any help here, DifferentD35, I'm sorry. But do you have an option to get out at all?