Just given birth and hate everyone.

[DifferentD35]

I'm 12 days PP.

My emotions are all over the place.

DP driving me insane. I just want to leave with the baby for a bit. He keeps telling me when the baby cries and roots that he isn't hungry he just wants comfort (how can he possibly know that. 99% of the time he is rooting because he wants food). He then won't give him to me to feed him and just sits there watching him root around and whine. He told me I shouldn't always respond when he cries because he's doing it for attention, so I don't want to leave him on his own with DP because I know he won't sooth him when he's crying because he doesn't want to 'spoil him'. He's 12 days old ffs. He's generally doing my head in and I wish he was back at work already.

I have a 7 year old step daughter who is coming to stay next week. I'm feeling fragile and she is very full on when it comes to babies. She's met her brother twice and both times just wanted to hold him all the time. Absolutely fine and I love seeing them together. Same issue again. When baby cries, DP says she needs her time to hold him and he will be fine. I then have to sit there at 12 days post Partum listening to my baby cry for food because DP thinks that his DD holding him is more important. We should be teaching her that when he's hungry; she has to give him back and she can have cuddles after he's fed. She then looks at me after her dad had disagreed with me as if to say 'ha ha you're wrong' - she's 7 for goodness sake of course she's going to be happy her dad agreed with her but I feel so small.

I just can't stand anyone around me at the moment and want to hide in a corner with my baby and cry/feed him/get to know him.

AIBU? Am I being ridiculous? I'm so overwhelmed by everything and wish DP would just sod off back to work. I'm horrid, I know. I'm just a bit of a mess...

Why did his relationship with his daughter’s mother break down? Any chance that similar controlling behaviour was a factor?

Oh darling, the stubbornness sounds just like my H. Can relate to many of the issues you are experiencing with your newborn with him. My H had never read a thing but just thought his opinions were gospel. He actually ruined my newborn phase with DD1. I remember wondering if I should go to a hotel or to my parents, then worrying that was too extreme.
My love, 10 years on I can see that I was in the right, and I should have left. It affects our relationship to this day, he hasn’t changed, and now I have two kids and a sunk costs fallacy to deal with. Christ I wish I had got out at the start. Don’t be me. Get some space and some sleep and see how things look when you are a bit calmer and clearer. And listen to the ladies on here.

This is very worrying to read OP.
Please seek advice this week from your health visitor. They really are fantastic support. She will help you see your instincts towards your baby are right and normal.
And if you feel safe to, tell do, when the baby crys near you it helps your milk surge to meet your baby's need so he need to sleep beside you.

I think you are going to have to be stubborn yourself and say no to him - for your baby's sake, if not for your own. You instinctively know you are right and he is wrong. Now, words fail me, as like others here, I am furious with the man for putting you in such a terrible position.

I’m so upset for you, I hope you can reach out to someone who will give you the right support.

What he’s doing isn’t right

He had huge anger issues. Never towards me but if he say bumps his head on a cupboard door he will punch it and go completely nuts. Obviously he's never done anything to me, but it's hard to approach someone like this.

That’s still emotionally abusive though because he’s controlling you through a fear of his reaction (which isn’t normal btw!)

I grew up with a family like that, DM, DF and Dsis all have horrible tempers although they express them differently. My Dsis was the worst for seemingly unpredictable over the top reactions. Her temper would come seemingly from the left field and although she never laid a finger on me just the force of her verbal reaction used to intimidate me enough to walk on eggshells around her

If he can’t support you now, when you are at your most vulnerable, you are seeing him as he truly is. Trust me on this, it is a huge huge red flag and one I bitterly regret ignoring. My h is fine in the good times but when shit goes down-and a lot of shit has gone down the past 10 years- he reverts to type. I cannot rely on him in a crisis. Have you been through tough times with your dp before, and how did he act?

I’m a Midwife. Your DP is completely wrong, your tiny baby has a massive amount of growing & developing to do, and needs feeding on demand to achieve that. Your son is incapable of rational thought, all he knows is his basic human needs for food, warmth, comfort (all of which are achieved through BFing) and honestly it is cruel & unnecessary to deprive him of those on the ridiculous notion of not ‘spoiling’ a twelve-day old baby (don’t get me started on the whole concept of spoiling)

@Pickupthephone I have no idea as I didn't know him back then...

You're letting your newborn baby go hungry, because you're scared? I wouldn't be happy with any of your dp's behaviour either. You need to stand up to him, for ds's sake. Tell him unless he can back up the crap he's spouting with some proof, you don't want to hear it. And that his 7 year old is not and never will be an authority over you! She sounds quite spoilt by her dad already, yet this is what he hopes to avoid by neglecting ds's needs, until he can bothered with him again..? He has his cuddle when the notion takes him, then expects baby to cry in the other room? Also the taking him into the bedroom and shutting the door, I find really odd tbh.

If he damages any of your property, or hurts you in any way, you can ring the police to have him removed from the home, or to get you away safely if you think he'll follow you, but they can take ages to respond. There was a time my ex hadn't touched me yet too, but things spiralled out of control. You could consider standing up to him a test of sorts? If he responds badly now, you'll know that's how life will be unless you leave him. He may huff or pout but take it on the chin, which might ease your anxiety/resolve some issues? Either way nothing will change unless something changes..

You're letting your newborn baby go hungry, because you're scared

That makes me sound awful  I'm really trying

I used to sleep in bed, or on the sofa but my dd was next to me in a Moses basket wherever I went, I used to even have her in the bathroom with me when I had a shower/bath

You need to learn to put your foot down. About tomorrow just say no, ‘no I’m tired and want to cuddle up with ds for the day, feel free to go without us’ if he gets stubborn, stroppy or angry just ignore him and carry on, even it it means you sitting there. In front of the telly doing nothing except having your ds on your chest cuddling, ceding or sleeping. If he says it’s bad for the baby, tell him that’s not up to him.

Why on earth he’d want to go to a kids play area with a new baby is beyond me, Christ you’ll be sick to death of those places in the next few years!

Sorry I see he wants to take his 7ye old to the play area, well nothing stopping him .. wave him off.

I know, you aren't starving ds, and waiting for a feed won't do much harm (unless it becomes a regular thing or longer and longer, the longer he's left waiting the more he'll fuss, don't let dp tell you he's acting up or whatever). You need to stamp out this idea that ds is crying for attention, or rooting for attention. You're right, we know you're right, you know you're right! But only you can tell your dp he's wrong on this. He's being thoughtless and a fool, but you're neither

You are walking on eggshells, and thats the definition of an abusive relationship.
Please, talk to Womens Aid.

OP, do you have any family support? Your mum maybe? Or a friend who can come round for a bit - someone you really trust who will be an extra person there, who you know will pass you the baby. You need help with this, lovely. His reactions aren’t normal. It’s really scary because you’re still all over the place postpartum but you need help, from someone irl. Your HV is a great first step.

This is awful but deal with your baby first and deal with the fact that he sounds deeply bloody unpleasant after. Your baby needs to be fed on demand, 12 day old babies can’t be spoilt, and unless you’re going back to work 12 hr shifts starting from tomorrow, there’s absolutely no need to get him used to being away from you right now. For what it’s worth I did everything for my children on demand as babies, now at primary age they eat what they’re given at dinner time, don’t whine or demand or control the household. They aren’t spoilt. At all. It’s ohyaivally impossible to spoil a newborn and your ‘D’H behaviour would be tipping me over the edge into losing it territory. In short, I’d be going apeshit if someone, yes even the dad, refused to hand over my newborn to feed. Ever.

Well yes I wouldn’t take a newborn to a play area anyway because if all the germs!! Way too young with no immune system

Or rather he is crying for attention, but for valid reasons, he has no other way to communicate that he wants or needs something, and babies need comfort and contact.

Think I'm going to put this thread down until tomorrow as it's upsetting me. Don't want to delete it and will reassess tomorrow. But for now it's all a bit much...

Your midwife can help, please tell her the situation. Whatever you do, don't ignore this. Help is available.

OP oh god, he sounds horrendous.

I know it's easier said than done but you need to channel your inner lioness and stand up to this bully for the sake of your little cub not to mention yourself.

Please please assert yourself x

I agree please don’t ignore this. Your baby needs you to advocate for his needs and there is help and support available

Absolutely echo pp points about how it's developmentally vital to respond to young babies' needs.

Obviously we are all imperfect and that's not to say they will never have to wait to be comforted or fed, from time to time. But that's completely different from making a decision not to be as responsive as you can, in particular when they are very young.

Trust your instinct, and stand firm.

.

Thanks everyone. I'm exhausted.