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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel judged by these comments

130 replies

Cathcarter · 02/11/2018 12:56

My DD wanted to go trick or treating with a school friend. I don’t know the parent well but our daughters have been friends for over a year so I texted to ask if DD could join. I reveived this (edited) response. DD2 is my Year 6 child. I don’t wear make up myself and neither do either of my daighters generally, although DD2 is occasionally allowed gloss.

‘Yes, DD can go around with XX.... Face paints for the costume are fine but please no use of makeup (saw DD2 is using makeup already - we would appreciate no pressure from DD on that during primary school).’

OP posts:
BlueBug45 · 02/11/2018 12:59

Is your DD2 using someone else's make up? Worth asking her. If not simply reply "You must have confused [daughter's name] with someone else as she only has coloured lip gloss."

dontlikebeards · 02/11/2018 13:01

Maybe they consider lip gloss as make up?

Flypaperforarseholes · 02/11/2018 13:01

I would text back "Glad they could trick or treat together. Just wanted to let you know that DD2 doesn't wear makeup generally so don't worry, there won't be any pressure on their daughters name."
I think it's bloody cheeky - even if your DD2 did wear makeup, it's none of their bloody business and not something they can reasonably expect to control!

ButchyRestingFace · 02/11/2018 13:03

It’s a weird time to raise the issue of make up at a Halloween costumed event! Confused

Aquamarine1029 · 02/11/2018 13:04

Fuck that lady. What her daughter does is HER responsibility, not yours. This is one of the cheekiest things I've ever heard. She's a judgemental cow.

Huntlybyelection · 02/11/2018 13:06

Seems a bit sanctimonious from them. I'd either ignore completely and respond with time or place to meet up, or if you do want to respond on the makeup say that you won't put makeup on their daughter, and that seeing as your DD2 doesn't wear it then there's no pressure from that quarter.

Escolar · 02/11/2018 13:07

I would have texted back "Do you mean lip gloss? DD doesn't wear any other make up, but personally I consider lip gloss to be acceptable at this age. Sorry if you disagree but I'm not planning to ban her from wearing lip gloss."

I assume the trick or treating has already happened? What did you reply at the time?

Original poster
Cathcarter · 02/11/2018 13:12

I said DD would go elsewhere to trick or treat. My issue is that what my older daughter does is none of her business (and the comments are rude, regardless) Also, it’s Halloween so it’s just odd all round to raise it then. My eldest might wear make up whilst at friend’s houses if that’s what’s allowed. It sounded as if she expected my 8 year old to rock up with a full face of make-up.

OP posts:
kaytee87 · 02/11/2018 13:14

What age is Year 6?

EwItsAHooman · 02/11/2018 13:16

Year 6 is age 10-11

Original poster
Cathcarter · 02/11/2018 13:29

It feels to me a giant leap to make from seeing DD2 wear a bit of make (once at a school film night, apparently - def not full make-up because I was there) to having to warn me not to brng DD in make-up and also that DD would put pressure on another child. It has really offended me.

OP posts:
FFSFFSFFS · 02/11/2018 13:32

Its offensive because it assumes (i) your DD would pressure their daughter and (ii) they have the right to dictate whether your daughter wears make up.

Its incredibly rude.

MarilynsDressOnAVent · 02/11/2018 13:33

DD's friend rocked up at my house with a full face of make up and bright red, thick, qpouty lips. Admittedly I did grimace a little but what the hell had it to do with me? It had even less to do with that girl's siblings!

My own DD started to look at make up with her friends at that age but I had told her that in no uncertain terms was she to go anywhere with it on. Playing dress up with her mates on a sleepover was okay but no red lippy and she was to wash everything off straight after.

This woman sounds bloody rude and judgemental. It's fine to think one way but to actually voice it? Like that? I would be more concerned about my own child picking up bad manners and a worse attitude from being around that woman.

Daffodil2018 · 02/11/2018 13:34

How rude! I would have called it off too. YADNBU.

artemisdubois · 02/11/2018 13:40

YANBU. She's a cow and I think most people would feel pretty heavily judged on receiving that message.

Slightly sidestepping the issue of children weaking makeup, does this woman actually think that older children should only ever be allowed to things their youngest sibling is also allowed to do?

Original poster
Cathcarter · 02/11/2018 13:43

Thank you. I feel A bit more reassired. Our daughters are friends so I don’t want to create a scene, but I also want to explain why this comment is offensive and to not be fobbed off by being told I’m being ‘over sensitive’. I suggested we meet to discuss and she texted she ‘wanted to set expectations based on what I observed at film night, unfortunately I didn’t have time to speak to you last week’. This did not make me feel any better, it just made me more angry...

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 02/11/2018 13:47

That would make me rage too....

ButchyRestingFace · 02/11/2018 13:52

I suggested we meet to discuss and she texted she ‘wanted to set expectations based on what I observed at film night, unfortunately I didn’t have time to speak to you last week

Lol! 😂 She has been intending to “speak to” you about your daughter’s use of make up at a school organised event??

Just for that, I’d send my kid out to the next event sporting half the Superdrug counter on her face...

Whitecurrants · 02/11/2018 13:54

Tell her DD only wears make-up so that she can get served in bars?

Original poster
Cathcarter · 02/11/2018 14:02

Yes, the ‘speak to’ bothered me too. Plus at that point our children weren’t going to be together for Halloween, so it would have just been a weird thing to say. I’m usually relaxed about managing different rules/opinions amongst different households. I’m really respectful of differing views we encounter as parents. But this just felt very off, snd now I’m in a bind trying to deal with it!

OP posts:
artemisdubois · 02/11/2018 14:05

After your latest post, it doesn't sound like she's the type of person who's going to understand your point of view on this.

I'm staggered that she thinks it's ok to speak to you this way, let alone to think it's her place to comment on you allowing your older daughter to wear lipgloss in the first place.

toomuchtooold · 02/11/2018 14:10

Tell her DD only wears make-up so that she can get served in bars?

Grin
ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 02/11/2018 14:12

She sounds a nightmare! I would back away from her and her dd, she sounds like one of those totally over-invested parents who will make your life a nightmare!

My dd1 had a friend with a mother like that. She disapproved of some of the things I allowed dd1 to do, and it got to the point she started texting dd1 pretending to be her own daughter!

mad loon. dd and her dd are no longer friends as she interfered once too often and the girls fell out. Thank God

TheViceOfReason · 02/11/2018 14:12

I'd be responding with "i'm not quite sure what you think you have to discuss with me about my older daughter wearing some lip gloss occasionally. It's really nothing to do with you, and has zero impact on your child. I'm also rather shocked and disappointed that you think my children would be "pressuring" your preciousprincess in any way."

Alfie190 · 02/11/2018 14:14

She sounds very patronising, although I would count lip gloss as make up and think 10 is a bit young for makeup. I wouldn’t lecture others about it though, I mind my own business.