To feel judged by these comments

[Cathcarter]

My DD wanted to go trick or treating with a school friend. I don’t know the parent well but our daughters have been friends for over a year so I texted to ask if DD could join. I reveived this (edited) response. DD2 is my Year 6 child. I don’t wear make up myself and neither do either of my daighters generally, although DD2 is occasionally allowed gloss.

‘Yes, DD can go around with XX.... Face paints for the costume are fine but please no use of makeup (saw DD2 is using makeup already - we would appreciate no pressure from DD on that during primary school).’

I think I'd reply "I really wasn't expecting such a rude reply. Perhaps it's better if we leave things here."

That's a good response. Short, calm, dignified, cuts off further discussion.

I might snaffle it for my email auto response.

I think it would be good to just keep to the girls socialising in school.
Otherwise she’ll be wanting to chat to you about your dd’s bedtime, how much pocket money she gets etc because her dd wants the same and she’s unable to say no. And if both girls misbehave clearly hers will have been copying yours who is the bad influence.
Distancing yourself from this kind of parent will save a whole lot of drama op!

what an arsy silly woman ignore OP.

The woman is being very rude and she clearly lacks manners. Tone is all and I suggest she completes a worksheet on its usage.

I would have said, "DD2 does not wear make-up. However, if she did, she would be allowed to wear it as normal. It would then be your decision whether to prevent your DD from being around mine. DD2 isn't going to make those sorts of changes for other people, sorry.

the sneering at teenagers wearing make up has always interested me, i wore full make up from 11 as some of my friends, not all of them, did the same. and we sometimes looked insane and sometimes looked good, isnt that the fun though? i miss having the freedom to experiment as i did as a teen, as it looks daft on adult. And to no surprise as Adults we are pretty bloody good at putting it on, lots of practice.I cant be dealing with women who sneer at 'plastered on'make up whilst simultaneously looking like they been gangbanged into the no.7 counter, its quite grim how parents (largely mothers) shame girls who wear make up as if it must mean theyre little tarts rather than people who enjoy make up more than others. Yes there is a gender element but then surely isnt it even more important not to shame young girls? ask them, take them shopping for gentler alternatives lay boundaries, compromise, theyre growing up!!. AND that woman is unspeakably rude!!!

I didn’t read it as the mother saying what OP’s DD ought to do, so much as saying what she didn’t want her own DD doing.

whilst simultaneously looking like they been gangbanged into the no.7 counter

Charming turn of phrase

I didn’t read it as the mother saying what OP’s DD ought to do, so much as saying what she didn’t want her own DD doing.

In which case why text the OP about it? The other girl’s behaviour isn’t the OP’s responsibility.

As I said earlier, my DD isn’t allowed to wear make up - what other people allow their children to do is irrelevant to me.

selfidentifyinggiraffe doesn't matter what tone of voice she used, this woman does not get to dictate how someone else parents. It's not ok. And in this case the child involved doesn't even wear make up - her older sister does. If she doesn't want her child to wear make up and she fears association with children with older siblings who do may adversely influence her child, then the onus is on her to tell her child NO or keep her child locked away from other children altogether.

I remember being told by my DC on countless occasions 'Everybody Else's Mum lets them play on the motorway/paint their room black/stay up till 3am on a school night..." I explained that, sadly, I wasn't Everbody Else's Mum I was their Mum and my rules were different to their rules so the answer was still NO.

Because the mother’s DD is going into a place where she knows make-up is a thing and she’s just asking for her DD not to be ‘included’ in it.

Set expectations? Who on earth does she think she is?

Stompy's reply is perfect.

then the onus is on her to tell her child NO or keep her child locked away from other children altogether.

No, we don’t set up that false one-thing-or-the-other; we respect other parents preferences, without making a drama out of it because we are insecure and easily feel ‘judged’

So, my DD’s friend isn’t allowed fizzy drinks. My DC are allowed occasional fizzy drinks. She’s out with us, so we just don’t have fizzy drinks. It’s no skin off my nose to accomodate and since I’m a grown-up and secure in my parenting decisions, I don’t have an emotional reaction.

She is being ridiculous and very rude. Kids wear make up from toddler age round here. It’s no big deal. Can’t believe the angst at a 10 year old wearing it! School discos at infant school are full of lip balm, eyeshadow and glitter, let alone older kids.

It was the op asking for her dd to tag along. Why on earth would whatever the op chose to let her dd put on her face mean another child had to do the same or was ‘included’.
Can’t stand parents who want to dictate no make up, no sugar or whatever for their kids but are too weak to stick to it if their child resists in any way so tries to create a false environment where no child is allowed what they have banned.
Sorry, I’m not making my parenting choices based on what makes parenting easier for others. If you think kids wearing make up on Halloween is so bad then have the courage of your convictions and just tell your child no. Don’t expect everyone else to pretend that your way is the only way

Wow, what a rude and sanctimonious woman! I would have to say something even though it is very awkward, how dare she speak to you like that. I would maybe say ‘That was a very judgemental text message. My eldest does not wear make up. Not that it’s any of your business if she did and neither does it have anything whatsoever to do with my youngest going trick or treating with your daughter. Please do not assume that you have the right to tell me how to parent my child in future.’

She needs to be told how rude she has been. But she is probably so up her own arse that she will have no idea what you are referring to and will think you’re rude. Can’t please people like this.

Kids wear make up from toddler age round here. It’s no big deal. Can’t believe the angst at a 10 year old wearing it! School discos at infant school are full of lip balm, eyeshadow and glitter, let alone older kids

Where is this place? I’ve never seen this anywhere...

SomethingOnce

As parents we have to navigate different parenting styles and viewpoints which I appreciate. It was the tone that made me feel judged. I am generally secure about my parenting (have three children and am one of five myself). Being secure about your own parenting doesn’t mean you are immune from being offended by another persons comments if those comments are in fact rude and judgemental IYSWIM.

Surely the best thing is to look beyond perceived tone (who knows what was intended? One person’s honest and straightforward is another person’s rude. Just ask my overbearing, touchy, thin-skinned SIL ) and deal with the content.

Then, as you say, there’s not really a problem.

This business of the very subjective sense of ‘feeling judged’ being the final decider on everything puts a lot of power in the hands of some extremely disagreeable people, IMO. (Not meaning you, OP, just a general observation.)

Unwilling to out myself. A market town in England. Lip gloss etc is a common birthday present. Nail polish in party bags etc. Nobody bats an eyelid.

SomethingOnce

Thanks for your persoective on this. I agree that ‘perceived tone’ should be set aside. I totally had not thought of it like that so that’s really helpful. It’s def true that had it been phrased differently I would have had much less of an issue. Still feels off that my elder daughter was brought into it, but again that’s partly to do with my perception of the tone overall. Good policy to adopt with texts in general, I think!

I’ll avoid all English market towns for fear of witnessing toddlers wearing cosmetics. Daren’t risk clutch-related damage to these fine pearls

Something .

That’s nice, OP. I thought I’d get jumped on for being goady, but I’m glad you found it helpful.

Honestly, I do try to be helpful