To feel judged by these comments

[Cathcarter]

My DD wanted to go trick or treating with a school friend. I don’t know the parent well but our daughters have been friends for over a year so I texted to ask if DD could join. I reveived this (edited) response. DD2 is my Year 6 child. I don’t wear make up myself and neither do either of my daighters generally, although DD2 is occasionally allowed gloss.

‘Yes, DD can go around with XX.... Face paints for the costume are fine but please no use of makeup (saw DD2 is using makeup already - we would appreciate no pressure from DD on that during primary school).’

Rainbow, I was being lighthearted but I do find the idea of toddlers in cosmetics fucked up, tbh.

I don’t actually own any pearls.

I genuinely posted her to get other people’s viewpoints, so all perspectives gratefully received and duly taken on board! No goadiness observed!

I don’t think there is any tone that makes it ok to tell someone you don’t allow something for your child so they can’t allow it for theirs.

Bum, the mother asked for her DD not to wear make-up, not for the OP to stop OP’s daughter wearing it.

My children know different families have different rules, so if their friend does/has something they aren’t automatically entitled to it too. I take on board the comment that her child might have seen my eldest and then asked for make-up as a result, though.

This ^, OP. You are spot on. It's HER job to explain to her child why she's not allowed to wear a bit of lipgloss, not your job to stop your daughter wearing it so hers doesn't get upset!

I would be really annoyed by this too. She is being so patronising in her approach, telling you "she'll speak to you", like you're a minion she'll grant an audience to.

That’s not what the op says. She says she contacted the other parent to ask if her dd could join them for trick or treating and received a message warning her against sending her dd in make up.
Read the ops posts on the first page.

Are you not reading too much into speak to? Isn’t it just a shorthand for ‘speak in person’?

She says ‘no make up please’ so presumably the op was dropping her dd off ready in her costume and she’s was telling her not to put make up on her. Totally out of order. If she doesn’t want her own child to wear it fair enough but you can’t go around telling people what they can and can’t put on their own child.

What a strange reply from them..very odd. And what on earth is wrong with wearing makeup when trick or treating anyway. Yes, they seem judgey, and for no reason.

The point made by a PP about how much make up she wears is very relevant. Please tell us you never see her without a full face of make up

You sound lovely and very balanced. She sounds like a nut!

The earring analogy is a good one.

However, like someone else pointed out, she doesn't sound like someone who will listen to you so, if you meet, be prepared for that.

Personally, I'd step back and keep away.

My 8 year old has her own makeup set which grampa kindly gave her at Christmas. She loves it! It's just fun dress up to her, she wears it whenever she wants apart from school. Halloween we have great fun! When she was 6 I did her full face of make up to look like a vampiress. That lady is so rude, who does she think she is?? I'd just leave it and don't interact with her from now on. And then at pick up time put on a full face of make up and give her the finger.

Soooo....we met to discuss. Other mother didn’t see what was wrong with her make-up texts but after I explained (and got a bit tearful ) she did say she was sorry it had caused offence, which I appreciated. Behind it though, was her view that it wasn’t appropraite for me to ask if my child could join trick or treating as she wasn’t invited. Also thinks our children are school friends only so doesn’t want socialising outside school. Lots of other things going on in the background that I was unaware of, too. I’m going to have to put this down to ‘other families that work/communicate completely differently to mine’ and move on. Really appreciate everyones insights and input on this though.

wanted to set expectations based on what I observed at film night, unfortunately I didn’t have time to speak to you last week

Did someone die and make her head teacher? Best steer clear. She sounds hideous.

Super rude. My mother is still pissed off about the phone call she received from my friends mother asking if the cocktails we were making at my 12th birthday were alcoholic! She had known this mother for years as well. My parents both teachers and pillar of community types. I am 44 now and mum still eye rolls when this woman is ever mentioned!

Well done to you for tackling the texts so it can be put to bed.
I work in a small Primary school in a very quiet small town and at one school disco, we had a 10 year old turn up in heels, strapless dress and full make up. It was one of those jaw dropping moments but noone said anything to the mother because it wasn't their place to. There was a lot of eye rolling and I felt sorry for the child who spent the time slipping in her shoes and trying to pull the dress up over her non existent chest whilst her friends were mainly in ordinary party dresses type clothes.
However, said child had probably been desperate to dress up and Mum felt it was fine and safe for her to do so, the parenting style may have been different to others but that's life.
OP, you are absolutely doing the right thing in teaching your children that everyone has different expectations and that that is ok.

OP she sounds really rude in that conversation! Breathe deeply and ignore!

She sounds awful - as if she is determined to disapprove of your DD even though she can find no valid grounds on which to do so.

I would be gently discouraging DD from building on this friendship, and encouraging other friendships instead.

Behind it though, was her view that it wasn’t appropraite for me to ask if my child could join trick or treating as she wasn’t invited.

Oh for goodness sake! She sounds incredibly hard work and very rude.

Not socialing outside school sounds like a very wise plan.

I think she sounds like a horrible cow.

The comment about her not being invited is bizarre, presumably you had asked if her dd wanted to go around some public streets with your dd, not if your dd could come to her house or something. Trick or treating isn't really a by invite only situation. The miserable cow could always have said no.

I see you met up with her so my post is too late but...

I was just thinking it's obvious she doesn't like you or your daughter. Also a bit obvious that she thought your request for your DD to join in was a bit cheeky.

Don't take her comments to heart. She's a twat and her 'judgement' should mean nothing to you.

Don't contact her again.

Gosh she’s full of herself isn’t she! Thinking that she should ‘have a word’ with someone about their dds make up and share her wisdom when she only considers you an acquaintance!
I would be hugely relieved that she has no interest in mixing outside of school.

Behind it though, was her view that it wasn’t appropraite for me to ask if my child could join trick or treating as she wasn’t invited. Also thinks our children are school friends only so doesn’t want socialising outside school.

Och, OP. . She doesn't sound terribly nice. If she didn't want your child joining hers for T&T there would have been a gentler way to phrase it.

I agree that the no socialising outside of school sounds wise though. She sounds like a headache.

Op this woman sounds really hardwork and like she relishes drama, I just couldn't be arsed with that.

On the makeup thing, my 4&6 year old dds love wearing a bit of eye-shadow for parties, I've never thought anything of it, its a little eye-shadow for a party. They like having their nails painted too. I don't mind at all, its just part of getting ready for a party for them and they like it.

Aw OP, you sound lovely. Don't let this other mother upset you, she sounds like a bit of a judgy mean girl. God, I'd much rather my kids wore a bit of make up but were kind, polite and inclusive.