To feel judged by these comments

[Cathcarter]

My DD wanted to go trick or treating with a school friend. I don’t know the parent well but our daughters have been friends for over a year so I texted to ask if DD could join. I reveived this (edited) response. DD2 is my Year 6 child. I don’t wear make up myself and neither do either of my daighters generally, although DD2 is occasionally allowed gloss.

‘Yes, DD can go around with XX.... Face paints for the costume are fine but please no use of makeup (saw DD2 is using makeup already - we would appreciate no pressure from DD on that during primary school).’

boobsy whats wrong with boys applying make up for fun? Unicorns and mermen etc...

Is it that they are too busy being trained to do the serious work in the world...to lead, to rule, to bread win?

I'll be happy with make up when men and women, boys and girls are all equally likely to use it.

Give me a fucking break! What a sanctimonious cow! 'Right then, never mind. We'll make other arrangements. Bye x'

M3lon do you wear make up yourself?

I let my pre teen play with make up outside school.

I’ve worn make up myself once in the last 3 years - on my wedding day.

I think I send a stronger message to her allowing make up but not wearing it myself, than my friend who is quite verbal about not allowing it - yet her girls watch her never leave the house without it.

I only have boys so don’t have the makeup issue (although ds3 likes to paint his nails) but it’s like every other thing as they grow up, phones, rated games and films, different technology, allowing them to go further afield, each parent has to consider their own child and decide what is in their best interests, making their decision based on that. If the other mother can’t discuss with her child what they are prepared to allow and what they won’t and come to a satisfactory agreement then she’ll have her work cut out over the next 10 years.

I am extremely po-faced and against DD who is 9 wearing any makeup despite some of her friends wearing lip gloss, nail varnish and, more recently, flicky eyeliner to parties. Luckily DD doesn’t want to at the moment either.

But, would I ever voice my opinions to or make judgements about her friends mothers? Hell, no! Cheeky cow. Who does she think she is?

Dd2 had a great friend all through primary. As they got to year 6, 7 and 8 they wanted to go shopping quite a bit, and this I think caused some judgement from friends parents (possibly cultural). I wasn’t about to change my parenting or ‘look down’ on dds clothing choices (New Look stuff) or interests. (Also curious that their dd had a public instagram with a large number of followers which she posted posing selfies on, and it was MY older dd who spotted it and educated her about private settings and internet safety). Anyway, they now seem to have discouraged what was a great friendship, and they cancel arrangements 90% of the time. DD2 has changed quite a bit and at 13 her interests are doing well at school, photography, Harry Potter, Maths, libraries, STEM, Guides and her fashion choice is baggy jumpers and furry boots. She told me yesterday she rarely wears make up now.

I don’t allow my DD to wear make up but that is my choice. My parenting decision.

Her best friend occasionally wears make up. I privately think she looks ridiculous and wonder what her parents are thinking of but it is none of my business.

Protecting my D.C. from peer pressure isn’t about locking them in a bubble, it's about making sure they understand the reasoning behind our rules and giving them strategies for coping with friends who have different rules.

I think the other mother was incredibly rude and I wouldn’t be allowing my DD to visit her home. Goodness knows what she’d say to her.

I think I’d be replying politely but shortly with something along the lines that my parenting decisions are not hers to question and that avoiding peer pressure is about building character and resilience rather than removing them from contrary influences.

To clarify: I have an 8 year d and 10 year old. The 8 year old went trick or treating. The 10 year old occassionally wears lipgloss. The film night was very recently (a fortnight ago). The 10 year old has friends who experiment with make up. I don’t police what happens when she is at friends houses so unsure if she was seen there. My 8 year old, however def doesn’t wear make-up. Regardless, I’m offended by the tone and the implication that she can tell me what to do based on what my older child has supposedly been doing. I think if the tone was different I would have a different viewpount.

I’m offended by the tone and the implication that she can tell me what to do based on what my older child has supposedly been doing

Quite rightly so.

I haven't been able to read all comments so this may have been said. I think the other mother was wrong and I think YANBU but I wonder if the other child (your DD's friend) has been clamouring for makeup to her mum and has justified it with "XX wears it so it must be ok"? Perhaps your DD1 is a role model otherwise that her daughter has emulated and now that's being turned around to the mother on other aspects she doesn't know how to deal with?

I still think she is wrong in how she has approached it but it may be coming from a slightly different position than she has appeared to put across.

I think I'd reply "I really wasn't expecting such a rude reply. Perhaps it's better if we leave things here."

And then stay away from the rude, judgemental cow.

I would reply 'Your children follow YOUR rules, my children follow MY rules'. Add Stompy's reply on to the end to make it clear.

'I cannot imagine why you would need to "have a word" with me about something that is absolutely none of your business. Did you mean to be so rude?'

How strange and rude. I don’t understand why she would need to discuss what your 10 year old does in regards to what yours and her 8 year olds get up to. I’d text back as pp have said “not sure why we need to discuss 10 year old as she has nothing to do with our 8 year olds being friends.

Cheeky mare, like a pp it could ruin a lovely friendship or my concern is when they are older will your DD be blamed as a bad influence for anything they do as a pair.

I like Stompythedinosaurs response.

Thank you everyone for your opinions. It’s given me a good perspective on it (although still super nervous about meeting). My view is regardless of what my older child is doing, there’s a right and a wrong way to handle different parenting decisions. My 10 year old would like pierced ears for eg but I’ve said not until 16 amd explained to her why. What I haven’t done is ask parents to remove their own child’s earrings when they come round or told them they might pressure my child. My children know different families have different rules, so if their friend does/has something they aren’t automatically entitled to it too. I take on board the comment that her child might have seen my eldest and then asked for make-up as a result, though.

All the people on here that a fine with primary aged kids wearing make up...I assume you've encouraged your boys to wear it just as much right? Because if you haven't you're all just piling on the sexist stereotyping when society is already creaking with it.

If he'd wanted to ...

I wonder if the other child (your DD's friend) has been clamouring for makeup to her mum and has justified it with "XX wears it so it must be ok"?

But surely it can’t be the first time the mother has had to tell her DD that “different families have different rules”?

This woman is very precious. You cannot keep your child away from other children wearing make up by asking this of parents and your older DD isn’t even the child’s friend! The ear piercing is a good analogy.

As an aside I have 2 DD’s neither wore make up in primary as not allowed. Now both in secondary. Older one wears it but a very ‘natural’ look and younger couldn’t give a toss and only owns Vaseline lip balm. I have not banned it as it just makes them want to more

I would be a bit taken back by that comment

‘Yes, DD can go around with XX.... Face paints for the costume are fine but please no use of makeup (saw DD2 is using makeup already - we would appreciate no pressure from DD on that during primary school).’

Wouldn’t bother me if somebody wrote that, it’s perfectly reasonable. Certainly wouldn’t feel ‘judged’.

She sounds like a nightmare. Seeing your child wearing makeup will not cause her own DD to suddenly start going around with full contour and highlight. If it does then she needs to re-evaluate her parenting skills.

See now I read that not in CF voice but as

Yeah that's fine... oh but please don't let her use make up

Then an explanation of why she's saying it (I saw your older daughter does)

And then a (I don't want MY daughter to pressure me into letting her whilst she's at primary)

Which seems ok... 🤷‍♀️

Ah but the film night comment

She's either very clunky with words and talking in an entirely different tone like lighthearted and jokey

Or yeah she's a judgemental moo cow 🐮